Inclusivity

Church today was pretty interesting. The Gospel reading was John's account of the "bread and fish" incident where Jesus multiplied the amount of food that he started with to feed a bunch of people that had come to hear him teach. The priest pointed out that John's account was unique in that it mentions that the initial food came from a little boy - one who just offered what he had, without worrying that it wasn't good enough, or simply was physically not enough. The priest went on to point out that the actions of the little boy seem to be a pretty good represntation of faith, and Jesus' "miracle" is a pretty good representation of the fruits of faith.

The beauty here is tht one doesn't have to take the story literally in order to benefit from the real message, and that the idea of having that sort of faith applies to more than just religion. So much of our time on Earth seems to be occupied with worry and insecurity, and so many relationships get ruined (or never even start) because of someone's worries that they aren't good enough - when the other person doesn't even want or expect perfection, they just want the other's love and affection. It seems like if one can get over their fears enough to make that first unabashed offering, the rewards are a hundredfold. Relationships (friendships, family, couples) seem to just blossom when one is willing to give what they have, and the other cherishes and returns that.

Also...it doesn't say anywhere that God expects people to be perfect. He doesn't expect that and I really don't think that there is the exclusive attitude that some people tend to associate with the church, or with religion. The priest today said that it was more like God (or if it makes you more comfortable, just think about other people in your life) really just wants that faith, that acknowledgement, that unabashed "Here I am, and this is what I have to offer you." And if that is all that God wants, then certaintly others could not want much more...

So, it's really hard to actually take that attitude and live it, but I think that life could be happier if more people did really take that to heart and live it. In general: people (God) just want affirmation and affection, and that things generally go better if one just gives and does what one can, instead of investing so much time and energy worrying about the imperfections (especially ones that can't be helped in any case...)

Anyhow, that's enough sermonizing for now. :-)

Fifteen Again

This is what happens when I want to blather on about myself but have nothing really interesting to say....

Music Shuffle Survey
Put your music player, whatever it is, on random or shuffled play.
Answer these questions with the song you get when you hit the skip button!
Note: some songs will make sense, others won't. Don't Cheat!
Which song describes the mood you are in right now?:	Jackson Browne - Running on Empty (True; I am exhausted)
Which song describes the mood you are usually in?:	Unholy - Kiss (Hmmmmm...)
Which song describes one of your favorites things to do?:	First Episode at Hienton - Elton John
Which song describes something else you like to do?:	Dire Straits - Sultans of Swing
Which song explains the way you think about love?:	Daniel - Elton John
What would you sing to your soulmate right now?:	My Touriquet - Evanescence
Which song best represents you?:	Send me an Angel - English
Which song describes your sexual preference?:	Mrs. Robinson - Lemonheads (Uh oh)
Which song describes what would occur between you and a prostitute/manwhore:	Gimmie Three Steps - Lynard Skynard (Damn right that I'd run away...)
Your lover on the side?:	I'm Burning for You - Blue Oyster Cult
How about your wife or husband?:	Only the Good Die Young - Billy Joel
Which song would be played at your wedding?:	Waiting for Tonight - Jennifer Lopez (Uhh, how did THAT get on my playlist????!? And it better NOT be played at my wedding)
Which song would be played at your wedding reception?:	Follow You Down - Gin Blossoms
Which song describes yourself in the future?:	New York State of Mind - Billy Joel
Which song describes yourself in the past?:	Some Saved my Life Tonight - Elton John
Which song would be appropriate for a one night stand?:	Lawyers in Love - Jackson Browne
Which song would best describe your first time kissing?:	Long Train Running - Doobie Brothers (I would have to disagree; it was actually disgusting).
Which song would best describe your first time having sex?:	n/a
Which song would best describe your fashion sense?:	The Sound of Silence - Simon and Garfunkle
Which song would describe your taste in the opposite sex?:	The Rose - Bette Middler (Uhh. Brian? Something we need to talk about? Only kidding...!)
Which song best describes your parents?:	1.80 Down - Bombshell Rocks (Haha, they get the only punk rock song that snuck onto my "Classics" playlist. What are the chances?)
Which song best describes your family in general?:	The Sound of Silence - Simon and Garfunkle
Which song best describes your friends?:	Open Your Eyes - Guano Apes
Which song best describes your school?:	Detroit Rock City - KISS (Wrong. Dead Wrong.)
Which song best describes your public personality?:	Road House Blues - Doors
Which song best describes your private personality?:	Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult

A Full Blown Music Survey
Favorite blues singer?:	Jake & Elwood Blues.
favorite song from an 80's movie?:	Old Time Rock & Roll (Bob Seger)
Ice-T or Ice Cube?:	Ice-T
Favorite country singer whose name starts with a T?:	I have no idea...
Favorite punk band?:	Misfits or Millencolin
First concert you ever saw?:	The first one I remember is John Denver, or the Colorado Symphony Orchestra. Those were great times...
Favorite techno song?:	Fallen Angel by Dark Projekt
Come back to Texas or Ohio is for lovers?:	Ohio Is For Lovers (and actually, not it is NOT, damnit. But Hawthorne Heights sounds like Underoath, which is an awesome band)
Favorite song before 1970?:	Penny Lane
Favorite song that came out the year you were born?:	Manic Monday (The Bangles), or Breakout (Swing Out Sister), or Stuck With You (Huey Lewis and the News)
ACDC or Black Sabbath?:	Sabbath. Without a doubt.
Favorite concert you ever saw?:	Elton John!
What instrument can you play?:	Guitar, Piano.
Jungle trance or teen pop?:	Trance.
First song you ever sang?:	I think it was something by John Denver.
Favorite British band from 1990-present?:	The Spice Girls. Hahahahahahaha.
Best song youve heard at the opening of a movie?:	Whatever 10 Things I Hate About You opens with...
Favorite female R&B singer?:	Toni Braxton. And that's a stretch to say I "like" her.
Classical or Bluegrass?:	Classical
Favorite rap group/singer that starts with an M?:	?
Favorite Christian band?:	MxPx
Michael Jackson's music when he was white or black?:	Black. (I feel like a racist)
Favorite Beatles song?:	Penny Lane
Song you sing most often in the shower (recently)?:	I don't sing in the shower.
Marvin Gaye or Isaac Hayes?:	Isaac Hayes.
Best song playing during the credits of a movie?:	That Ben Folds whatever after Over The Hedge
Better than Ezra or Dishwalla?:	Better than Ezra
Favorite song to clean the house to?:	Shouldn't that be an album? Anyway, it's been Jackson Browne recently...
TV show with besting opening music?:	Friends.
The band you like the most that no one else probably knows about?:	Amorphis
What song is currently on your MySpace?:	I don't have a ^##&^%$ MySpace, and I hope you don't, either.
Favoite rock group?:	Unfair question.
Accordion of bagpipes?:	Bagpipes. Duh.
Song you hate to hear at weddings?:	I have been to exactly one wedding in my life, and I do not remember the music.
Favorite song to slow dance to?:	My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion (No, not really. It's nice and cliche though, right?)
Favorite band that begins with a P?:	Pennywise!
CD, cassette, 8-track last played in your car?:	Moody Blues - Live at Red Rocks
Any songs for your ringtone? Which one?:	No. No. No. Lame.
Favorite band that has an actor in the group?:	Metallica made a movie, does that count?
Theme song youd like to hear as youre walking down the street?:	Jim Croce - I've Got a Name
Beethoven or Bach?:	Beethoven.
Last album you bought?:	Joni Mitchell - Blue
Mandy Moore or Lindsay Lohan?:	Mandy Moore
favorite Jimi Hendrix song?:	The Star Spangled Banner
Song you want played at your funeral?:	Fleetwod Mac - Don't Stop
Favorite college fight song?:	Air Force...hahaha
Favorite drinking song?:	Whiskey in the Jar
Favorite 70's disco song?:	Dancing Queen - ABBA
Favorite Latino singer/band?:	Ricky Martin.
Youre on an island with a CD player and a disk with one song. What is it?:	Santa Monica - Everclear. Mostly for the ironic value.
Acoustic or Live albums?:	Live *and* acoustic, or it doesn't work...
First CD you ever bought?:	Soundtrack to Grease, and Andrew Lloyd Weber's greatest hits
Favorite obscure band?:	Amorphis, or In Flames.
Favorite Madonna song?:	I abstain from listening to crap. Sorry.
New Kids on the Block or Boys II Men?:	Boys II Men
More bass or trebble?:	Treble. I guess.
First album you bought that hd explicit lyrics?:	Jay - Z
Favorite local band?:	I don't know any.
First cassette you remember buying?:	Men At Work.
Favorite band of 2005?:	Keane

Bored

Eye color: dark brown
Shoe size: 9
Height: 5'8
What are you wearing right now? pajama pants and a white t-shirt
Righty or lefty: righty
Best place to go for a date: someplace quiet

FAVORITES
Kind of pants: pajama pants
Number: 34
Drink: hot tea.
Sport: ice hockey
Month: July or December.

Have You Ever...
Given anyone a bath: little kids I babysat
Loved someone so much it made you cry: yup
Broken a bone: yep
Played truth or dare: yes
Been in a physical fight: kind of, not really though
Been on a plane: yes. I hate airports.
Came close to dying: Nah.
Broken someone's heart: Only if they broke mine first.
Cried when someone died: Of course.
Fell off your chair: Actually, not that I can remember.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: Unfortunately.
Made out with JUST a friend: Nah.
Used someone: Nope
Been cheated on: Define "cheating".

What is...
Your good luck charm: This one mechanical pencil I found at work last summer..
What is beside you: A pillow
Last thing you ate: Salad

Ever Had...
Chicken pox: Nah.
Sore Throat: Who hasn't?
Stitches: Many times.
Broken nose: I think so - if it wasn't broken, it bled a lot. Stupid gravity + railroad ties.

Do You...
Believe in love at first sight: No. I believe in intense hormonal attraction at first sight - definitely not love. (Spoken like a true Catholic, eh?)
Long distant relationships: If absolutely necessary...
Like school?: For $35,000 a year you'd better hope to hell that I do.

Question:
Who was the last person that called you: My mom
Who was the last person you slow danced with: Brian
Who makes you smile the most: My thoughts. I always laugh at the most inappropriate times.
Who knows you the best: Probably my parents.
Do you like yourself : And for my next trick, I will give a sarcastic answer to a classic and often ridiculed survey question.
Do you get along with your family: Indeed.

Final Questions:
What did you do yesterday: Got up, showered, church with Kathryn, her family, and Brian, talked with Kathryn, ate lunch, more talking, rode to the airport, talked, flew back to here, drove home, slept.
Gotten any awards: yeah.
Have a lava lamp: No! :-(
Are you double jointed: My jaw.
What do you dream about: Scary things, genearally.
When you last showered: 5:48 this morning.

Today did you...

1. Talk to someone you liked: Yep.
2. Bought something: Yes, gas at 3.20 a gallon for regular. Fucking oil nazis.
3. Talked to an ex: Heck no.
4. Miss someone: Yes.

Last person who....
10. Slept in your bed: Tux the stuffed penguin.
11. saw/heard u cry: Brian.
12. Made you cry: Me?
13. Went to the movies: Brian.
15. Said "I Love You": Tux the stuffed penguin. (What? You don't believe me?)
16. Ever been in a fight with your pet: Nah, fish are pretty hard to communicate with.

Random.....
21. Do you have a crush on someone right now: No...
22. What book are you reading now: The Fabric of the Cosmos, that book about programming I borrowed from Brian, The Joy Luck Club, In Her Shoes.
23. Best feeling in the world: Hugs. Lots of hugs.
24. Future KIDS name??: Patrick, Genevieve. (Right, like I know what I'm going to name my kids. Sure. Uh huh. Give me like 7 or 8 years and check back).
25. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: Always. Silly me.
26. What's under your bed: Dust bunnies
27. Favorite sports to watch: Ice hockey. Oh yeah, that's what I meant up there, too. Favorite to play is probably running related....
28. Favorite Locations: Italy, St. Paul's in Pittsburgh, DC.
30. What are you most scared of right now: Not doing well at work. (That doesn't mean I'm stressed about work; that means I have a good life with few worries :))
31. Who do you really hate: It takes too much emotional energy to actually *hate* the two people in my past who are worth hating. So nobody. :)
32. Do you have a job: Yep.
33.Have you ever liked someone you didn't have a chance with?: Sure, story of my life as a youth.
36. Are you lonely right now: nope
37. Has anyone told you they liked you?: yup.
38. Song that's stuck in your head right now: Blue, by Joni Mitchell
39. Have you ever played strip poker: nopes

Random...
Whats the first things you notice about the opposite sex (visual): if they have acne
Your Favorite Food: steak
Do you drink: I don't stringently "not drink"
Ever get so drunk you dont remember: Nope.
Hair color: Brown
Are you too shy to ask someone out: Not usually, but I'd rather drop hints.
Hugs or Kisses: hugglez
Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn: Mmm Butter
Favorite Flower: Orchids
Have you ever fired a gun: Yep. One of my favorite memories.
You like to travel by plane as opposed to car: Car. Airports are a pain in the ass.
Who are you missing right now? Brian, Laura, Christina, Katie...and everyone in Ohio that I just saw.
think (any of) your ex(s) miss you: I would hope that they've moved on.

Old Times

Dayton was a lot of fun. I flew out Friday and spent Friday and Saturday nights with Kathryn. I didn't actually see too many people from high school, but I saw the people who were probably the closest to me...it threw me off to see that some people have changed more than I expected, and others have changed a lot less than I would have thought. Regardless, I had a good time hanging out with people and catching up on old times. I also forgot to take any pictures besides the ones I took at lunch with Kathryn and Kate...gar. One of these days I will start remembering things.

On Sunday morning after church Kathryn ran into one of the people who judged one of my high school science fair projects and his daughter, who recently graduated. She brought them over to the car where I was waiting to say hi, and it was cool. It reminded me what I like about small towns and schools. There is a definite comfort zone associated with such settings...

Being Bored is Like, Really Bad

I took an MBTI awhile back, and one of the results about my personality type (INTP, I think...) said that I was prone to becoming extremely frustrated, angsty, and defensive if I felt like I wasn't being challenged enough or that my skills weren't being used to their full extent.

I never really thought about how true that could be until I started working this summer, or about how much of an impact it would make on the way I perceived and interacted with my co-workers.

Interesting. Now I know.

In unrelated news, I will be in Dayton this weekend. Yay for that. If you want to hang out, give me a call or IM and I'll see what I can do.

Transformation

When I was in high school, I had a blog which was part of a "body modification" community. In order to get a subscription, one had to either pay or submit a story of a "body modification experience." Thankfully, when I joined the community was still in its fledgling stages and was still accepting articles on such "mundane" topics as getting one's ears pierced, which was the content of my submission. I joined that community as much because of what I was as I did because of what I was not. The "average" user was full of ink, holes, scars, and stories of society's tragic misunderstandings of their personality, identity, and way of life. I joined partly because I was deeply fascinated by the psychology of people who would do such extreme things to themselves, partly because, like any other teenager, I needed a place where I could "belong", and partly out of a jealous desire to monitor what my boyfriend was posting on his blog.

I always look back on high school with a bit of a cringe, and wonder why I ever let things go or turn out the way they did. I can remember sitting in classes, watching the other kids talk and joke amongst themselves. I remember watching the "good Catholics" help plan the masses and decorate for holy days, myself pretending to mock the entire religious establishment but secretly just wishing that I could be a part of them, a part of the "good", a part of the "normal", a part of the "retreat leaders", the "ministers", and just telling myself that I wasn't one of them; I wasn't "made" for it, I wasn't "allowed" to be that, hating myself and them simultaneously for it.

Looking back I can see no concrete reason for why things had to be so. I can only conclude that my outlook was largely the result of a poorly made assumption about myself - somewhere along the line I got the idea that I just wasn't the same, wasn't worthy, and so I had to be something else. At the same time, it felt like some of the interests I was legitimately developing did conflict largely with the worldview and attitudes of those around me.

I can remember a lot of the entries I wrote (which have since been deleted, thank goodness) and cringe again at the overly emotive and naive ways in which I looked at the world and expressed myself. I'm talking partly about normal teenage angst, and partly about what was a semi-conscious "exposure" of my poor, bleeding, misunderstood soul to the world. It was like I was using the right sorts of highly charged phrases and ideologies because they were what fit me into the culture around me, a culture which was on the surface more accepting than the one I had really wanted to be a part of. It was also like I was manufacturing a lot of that emotion and drama - in other words, I didn't really have that bad of a life, I really wasn't that upset, but if I tried hard enough I could create a convincing drama with which to occupy the hours in between homework and sleep.

The hard part since then has been "rolling" back from that mindset - reconnecting with a healthy sense of optimism and trust in people and letting go of the cynicism and the "what can drama do for me today?" sort of mindset. I can remember what it was like to consciously train myself to think and emote relative to that community (sorry, Mom and Dad. That had to suck for ya'll...) and now I am trying just as consciously to reground myself in a sensible sort of reality. (As an aside, some of the cynicism is entirely valid and came from a number of experiences which, while extremely hurtful, did lend an interesting perspective to human nature and the male psyche. But that's a dissertation for another day.)

I'm slowly (very slowly) getting to a point here. Around the time I deleted my blog, a transsexual named Cora started posting a series of articles. Cora had begun life as a male named James and had decided around the age of 30-something that she had had enough of pretending to be a "he" and that it was time to really do something outward about the fact that she had always been a guy and wanted to fully become a girl. The articles were supposed to update the reader on Cora's progress from physical male to physical-and-mental female.

One of the articles I'd read was posted about two years ago, and she was talking about how the whole transgender situation was, for her, almost certainly "genetic". Her evidence for this was simply that her monther had told her that her father (who incidentally walked out while Cora was a newborn) had also harbored doubts about his gender identity and sexuality. To Cora it seemed statistically unreasonable that a man and his father could both be transsexual without one knowing the other at all *unless* there was some kind of genetic link. She went on to discuss how when she was in kindergarden it confused her greatly to get categorized with the "boys" because until then she had assumed that she was a girl. She apparently went on to spend the great rest of her life resenting that she was not a girl while at the same time acting like an alpha male. (A fake one, of course). At the time of the article, she was on hormone replacement therapy, and was hoping to have an operation in a year or a year and a half.

As I went on with my life, I gradually forgot about the community and about following her updates.

Over the weekend I was talking with Brian, and for some reason I mentioned Cora and her articles. Tonight I had some time to kill and so I surfed back to the place* so I could find out what happened to her. I figured that by now she had successfully undergone surgery and was more or less as psychologically adapted as one could be after such an experience. (Even though she'd apparently been a "girl" all of her life).

What happened next was, at the risk of sounding hypocrtically dramatic, nothing short of momentous.

It turns out that Cora decided that she was not a girl, would never be a girl, and was actually the same man named James that she'd been for her entire life. He never had the surgery, quit the hormone replacement therapy, and within a few days was wholly unable to write anything about the experience that was nearly as emotional or "open" as the articles he'd written while taking the estrogen. Instead he listed a few different apparently "medical" categorizations of transvestitism, transgenderism, cross dressing, and sexuality and discussed where he fit within all of them. Interestingly, his conclusion seemed to be mostly that there are some things in life which are truly immutable. A male is a male, even if he sometimes wants to pretend to be a female, or even if he wants to be intimate with other males. Such desires are generally harmless; the important thing is that there is actually some concrete, undeniable, essence to gender - and therefore, normalcy has a basis.

As Mr. Hoefler would say, this is HUGE!!!

One thing that has always made me uncomfortable with the body modification community is the notion that "normal" is a fallacy, that there actually is no baseline for identity, values, or behavior, and that to think so was nothing short of judgmental, irrational, and (worst of all) hurtful.

After I read James' last article, I re-read some of the ones written by Cora. I was able to identify some illogical reasoning of his that I'd completely missed years ago. He mentioned that he was raised without a father figure, and that in kindergarden he was deeply distressed to find that he was not a female. It makes so much sense to me that, far from being a genetic precondition, that he was simply naive as a youth and took for granted that he was the "same" as his mother, whom he spent the bulk of his time around. (It may seem hard for some of you to imagine being so naive, but I can remember being in second grade and still thinking that people were either Catholic or completely religionless....) It is interesting to me that his mistaken assumption about himself as a youth seemed to trigger such deep personal conflicts for a large part of his adult life.

People who know me now always have a hard time imagining that I was ever a "goth", or "into" body modification, and there are times when I have felt like a stranger amidst people who seem much more innocent and "normal" than I. Overall, however, I feel much more comfortable with myself now than myself years ago. I'd rather be the easygoing, Church-going, engineering dork who listens to heavy metal and knows an inordinate amount about paganism and body modifications than the dramatic goth who has decided that she isn't "allowed" to be normal. It makes more sense to allow that "I am essentially _______, but I have these desires and interests" than to decry any sense of the absolute.



*I can give the URL to anyone who IMs me and is willing to peruse the site as a mature adult, but I am not going to post it here as there is a LOT of potentially offensive and disturbing material linked to from the site and I do not want assumptions made about the sorts of things that I do with my spare time, nor do I want its contents to disturb my unsuspecting web audience, especially those of you who have met me long after (or long before, hehe) my days of high school weirdness.

Standing Back

So, I've had an incredible week. I've:

-Spent time at home, talking with my parents
-Spent time at Brian's home with his family
-Ridden my first (two!) rollercoaster(s) ever, survived, and reaffirmed that I do not, in fact, have any fear of heights or high speeds or anything but that I do strongly dislike not being in control.
-Visited the Air & Space Museum, The National Gallery of Art, and the Botanical Gardens in DC
-Gone into DC on the fourth, paddled around in a paddle boat with Brian, heard the Air Force Band play, got stuck in the downpours and ran inside the Jefferson Memorial for shelter, and finally watched the fireworks over the Washington Monument with Brian, some people from work, and some people from CMU
-Gone camping and hiking in the Shenandoahs, gotten stuck in the rain in a not-waterproof-anymore tent, played 20 questions for hours and hours, gone frolicking in streams, and eaten MREs
-Gone to Mass in the church Brian grew up in
-Gone to Mass in the church I grew up in

The time away from work, computers, phones, and people in general did me a world of good. It has been an extremely long time since I've done anything without worrying about what's coming next, without being preoccupied about other things, or without worrying so much about making other people happy that I forget to care for myself.

My birthday was wonderful. I got to celebrate with my family (opening my presents late the night before my brother headed back to school), with Brian (right after midnight on the 5th!), and so many people left me kind voice mails or facebook messages. Laura sent me a sweet Opus card, too. Thank you all - I am so lucky to have such caring people in my life. Brian gave me a shirt with Tux on it, and also huggably sized stuffed Tux (that would be the Linux penguin). It is absolutely perfect, and snuggly, and awesome. My family gave me a giftcard and a lot of books - yay!

I took a lot of pictures, but I wish I'd taken more. I didn't get any of the group on the 4th, or any of the time in Shenandoah (mostly because I was worried about ruining my camera). When I was younger, and even somewhat now, I almost always just took pictures of *things* I saw. It always seemed silly and overly sentimental to take pictures of people, or silly situations, or anything of the sort, but I'm starting to really want to do more to hold onto those memories. I realized that when I do have kids, I want them to see exactly what my life was like and I also want to organize and keep memories of all the good times from here on out. It's like this week made me realize just how much *fun* life is, and now that I've gotten that in my heart I don't want to let it go or just fade into a distant memory.


Ah. I think I'm finished waxing sentimental. But definitely...more pictures in the future. Oh, also - I added the Mercury photo to the entry about my grandfather.

Post-Teenage Stress Syndrome

Haha, only kidding. Well, mostly. Being nominally a non-teenager doesn't feel drastically different from the way being nominally a teenager felt, of course. I am in a rather out-of-sorts mood, though. I think it mostly has to do with getting myself mentally back together to go back into work and be serious about it and try to extend myself to the people in my office, etc. after basically taking a week off and not thinking about anything work related. The time off did me a lot of good; I could feel myself switching over to a completely different mindset.

I finally discovered what it feels like to truly live *in* a moment. I'm not sure why it took me so long to reach that point, but I am glad that I finally nailed it.

There are a lot more thoughts but I am tired and the screen is blurry... (Which is good; I started writing because I couldn't sleep...)

The Greatest

My mind works in funny ways. I remember things by their associations and relationships. This year my birthday is going to fall on a Wednesday. Today I realized that the last time my birthday was on a Wednesday was the summer my grandfather passed away.

The Friday before my birthday, I had a couple friends over to celebrate. We ordered a bunch of pizza and watched some movies; I can't even remember if they spent the night. I am pretty sure they did though, because when we got the news about Grandpa later on Saturday, I remember sitting there feeling completely disconnected and not understanding how in the span of one day it was possible for me to go from celebrating to mourning.

My Grandfather was exactly the type of person that I think of when I hear a reference to "The Greatest Generation." He put so much heart into everything he did, and he did A Lot. While he was alive, I was his little "Princess." He always seemed to have a smile and a story, and one of my favorite memories is of him catching me by myself one summer night on the patio in New Mexico and telling me to just "Take it easy and smile a bit. Life is too short to be rushed and worried all the time..." His words were probably slightly ironic, given how hard he had to push himself to build up his business and carry out a successful career, but he was so cheerful and whimsical whenever I saw him that it was hard to not see that he had put a lot of joy (amid the hard work) into his life.

My Dad sometimes talks about how Grandpa was "A good man." I spent a lot of time today thinking about a lot of the stories he tells, and about how I really want to be able to carry that into my life. At the risk of sounding awfully pretentious, I feel like I am so lucky to come from a family with a tradition of service and hard work (on my Mom and Dad's sides). Occasionally I will think of Grandpa and what I knew of him, and I ask myself if I'm doing the right thing with my life - if I'm doing something worthwhile that's going to carry on the traditions of those who came before. I can imagine him out there somewhere, looking down on me, and I ask myself if I'd make him proud if he was here to see what I'm doing now. Maybe it's all just a mind game, I don't know, but it is still really good motivation for me.

Grandpa worked on a component of the Mercury space capsule. I was at the Air & Space museum today and took a picture - it was comforting to be able to reach out and touch something that he contributed to, and to think about how much of a difference one person's life really can make.

Lessons Of A Traffic Jam

So, last night I drove up to Pittsburgh to get Brian. I have never, ever been in traffic as slow and backed up as the traffic on 70. It was almost as bad as earlier this week with all the rain and flooding. I've also come to a few conclusions:
1. Whomever decided to make 70 have sections that widen to 3 lanes and then go back to 2 a few miles later should be severely punished. Whatever the reasoning for doing that, it actually makes traffic slower when everyone in the 3rd lane has to merge back over.
2. Busy people make me angry. By that I mean: people who have to switch lanes every few minutes to try and get ahead really really get under my skin. Not only does it slow the rest of us down, but in the long run it slows them down, too.
3. Few things are more relaxing than miles and miles of open road.

After I got past all the traffic, I started to listening to a lot of my "road trip" music from when I was younger - stuff that I'd listen to on my old "skip protection hasn't been invented yet" discman or stuff that Mom & Dad would play while we were driving cross country on one of many adventures. It was a good feeling. I rolled the windows down and just went with it. I think one of the hardest things about getting "older" has been losing that carefree, magical feeling of summer. I really don't want to let it go. It was always so incredible, so exciting, to look forward every year to heading out to someplace new and different - and the best part was that no matter where we went, it was always *us* - the family, the adventurers.

This week is going to be a lot of fun. I love DC and I'm really looking forward to spending time in the city. Brian and I are also going camping for a couple days, which should be exciting. I think that next year I want to head out somewhere new, though. I miss exploring and the freedom of going somewhere and just experiencing something new for awhile.