Ruminations

Over the summer, I read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I picked it up more out of an interest to read about her "descent into madness" and less out of a desire to read a feminist manifesto, and it was fairly fascinating.

In some ways, her depiction of the character's feelings - the feeling of being "inside the bell jar" really resonated with a lot of the frustration I've felt...struggling for breath in a place that felt stifling, foreign, and unreal. I really don't believe that I am or have been "depressed" (or am or have descended quite so far into madness as she did), but sometimes there's still that....feeling.

I've been feeling a bit of that lately, but I think it's mostly normal.

Little things have been taking on big meanings recently. Tonight I was in Brian's apartment and his roommate was baking bananna bread, and it smelled just like my mom's. And for a second, I just had this horrible aching need to be back home, with my parents, in high school or middle school, working through a calc assignment or watching football on tv, or something just wonderfully normal and routine. It made me wonder how long it'll be until I'm in a place that feels truly comfortable again...

Over the summer I discovered (or just admitted to myself) that I'm quite right-brained. That's having some interesting consequences this year...it's getting to the point where the more I realize it, the more I indulge it. I've never really really liked routines - in elementary school, I hated starting fifth grade because we had a big schedule posted on the wall and it meant that the same things always came in the same order, and there was never any chance for some variety. It was awful. Seriously. Traumatic.

In the same way, now I'm struggling with things like cooking on a regular schedule, or joining organizations this year because I don't want to be so "tied down" to the same chunks of time every week...in a lot of ways, that's good though, because it's compelling me to find the things that actually interest me, things I'll look forward to doing, and I'm learning how to find the situations and arrangements that really work with my personality. I've started to think about things like appreciating the distinction between needing a commitment or confirmation, and needing a structure. I'm learning what it is to do things that I enjoy and can do well in (and balancing those with my values and work ethic...) instead of worrying so much about what I "should" be doing.

In some ways it's scary, and I think it's causing a bit of the alienation I'm feeling right now. There's this ideal, especially at CMU, where in order to "succeed" you have to get good grades, "network" incessantly with peers and mentors and faculty, "participate in extracurriculars" to be broadened, "develop leadership skills"...and it just seems like a fairly strenuous rubrik to get through - and unless I'm doing things I actually really enjoy, I tend to resent all the hours spent just "building the future". (I know, the answer is to find people/mentors/organizations that I enjoy, and then it won't be a pain. But what about if I enjoy being by myself? Reading books? Exploring places on my own? Going to church? Cooking? Those don't fit on a resume, but they're who I am...)

Obviously, it's also leading to a lot of satisfaction that I haven't felt before. I'm taking two "soft" classes - American Foreign Policy and Russian History (tzars). It's really, really, really, good for me to have a lot of material to read, mull over, research, and analyze. The foreign policy class has some issues that I actually care about, but I think I'd be about as happy in any history class as I am in the Russian one. It's such a joy to hear about people, cultures, interactions, conquests, adaptations and to actually think about them...after doing so much mathy stuff last year (oh yeah, all mathy stuff, all year).

My "hard" classes are really enjoyable too, though. The computer science class I'm taking teaches a functional programming language...so ideas and thoughts are expressed really abstractly, like mathematical functions instead of as procedures that get executed. It's completely fascinating because it allows so many nice ways to express *things* for a person who perhaps lacks the organizational skill to write really robust C or C++. My intro to networks class is just plain interesting (and I'm going to get to brush up those C/C++ skills, evidently. We learn socket programming next week! w00t). I think the only class that I'm lukewarm about is Signals & Systems...I'm not sure that I'm up for a bunch of calculus and MATLAB, after having burned out on that subject matter after 202 last semester, but I'm hoping to still get something out of it.

So...I'm in a strange funk right now, and hopefully I'll snap out of it soon. Things are good, and weird, and scary, and hard, and happy, and sad, and confusing, and changing, and familiar, all at once. Argh!

Impolite

what grimy grubby frustrated failing have we here
what sort of bespotted bedtime bleakness
that everlasting sort of terrifying trembling trouble

that leaves you
slumped
against a wall

begging into the darkness



I would like to inform the world that I have not seen the sun in 5 days and that grey sky is getting really really freaking old.

Be Careful!!!!!

So, I was walking to class, and I watched a kid almost get hit by a bus. He was jogging through the crosswalk and a bus was making a left turn into the lane he was crossing. The bus didn't slow down at all, and the guy didn't see the bus until it was almost too late.

I felt like I was watching individual frames.

(snap) Foot down, foot up
(snap) Opposite foot
(snap) Bus almost obscures kid
(snap) Kid appears about 6 inches to the left side of the bus as it pulls into the lane

I'm glad he didn't actually get hurt, and I wonder if he even realized how close it was. His face was completely blank, like he was completely secluded in his own little world.

Moving

The past week was ridiculously busy. I finished up my job, moved out, repacked, and moved in in the space of a few days. I'm mostly settled in, but I haven't had much actual time to myself yet. It's a shame too, because the apartment is really nice and comfortable...

Classes start tomorrow, and I'm not really sure how I feel. At the start of the spring semester last year, I was really really nervous and unsure of myself - I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to handle the courseload I'd chosen. I had nightmares the whole week before classes started, and wasted a lot of energy worrying about being able to do well enough. Thankfully, I'm not as worried this time around. The hard classes are harder than the ones last semester, but I'm taking a less technical load so at least I'll have some balance.

At the risk of sounding cliche...balance is going to be the goal for this semester. I want to put a lot into classes, and I want to find a couple other things to get involved in, but I don't want to be overloaded. I know there's a healthy medium, and I don't want to overcommit myself...at the same time, I don't want to reach that nasty resentful state of mind that I get into when I'm holding myself back. I want to take more time for my friends, to be there when people need me, to be more connected to the place I'm in and the events around me instead of just sharing space with other people.

It's a new start, and I'm excited.

Onward

Today is my last day of work, and as always, I'm not quite ready to go back to schoool.

The summer has been wonderful. I've learned a lot about myself, and grown into myself a lot more. I wouldn't trade my office for another, anywhere - the people are so easygoing and funny.

There are a few things I wish I'd done differently, but I don't think I'd go as far as saying that I have "regrets" so much as just that I've learned.

Friday I move back to Pittsburgh. Over the summer, Pittsburgh started feeling almost like a home to me, and it definitely became a part of my "comfort zone" (perhaps for the first time since moving in as a Freshman.) The coming year is going to be great: I'm finally taking classes I want to take, I'm going to do FMR, I'm not living in a cramped little room, I'm starting in on a second major, and I'm living with two wonderful friends - not to mention, Brian is going to be two floors up! :)

Fall is definitely my favorite season, so right now there's a lot to look forward to and be excited about.

With that, I'm off....

Turning Point

Dad retired from 29 years in the Air Force on Friday. The ceremony was somewhat emotional, of course. One of his close friends from the Academy retired him and told some pretty funny stories along the way. Dad showed a "career video" which was actually a powerpoint slideshow of non-work-related pictures...I got to see some from before I was born, and a LOT from the family growing up. There was everything from Disney world when we were REALLY young, to the annual Christmas Tree tradition, to my and my brother's science fairs, to family trips (Europe!). Looking back made me really appreciate how lucky I've been...I know I've said that before, but it's true. I've gotten to grow up with some truly incredible role models; I've gotten to watch lives and careers develop as I've grown up. At the very end of the ceremony, Dad told the audience that he was going to pass on something he'd heard at the retirement of someone that he really looked up to, and he said "It is now your job to stand on the shoulders of those who came before you, so you can go forward and achieve excellence."

Even though I can't tell people "Yeah, my Dad is in the Air Force" anymore, the Air Force will always be a part of me; most importantly, the values and ideals that I developed from growing up in an Air Force family will always be with me. (Oh, and the memories. Always the memories. :-) )

Why Hello There...

Maybe I should be a bit more careful about my creative writing.

I had a nightmare last night...

I was having trouble falling asleep, and thought I was still awake in the dream. And then the ever mythical and much speculated about "dark ghostly figure" was standing over me and he was going to cut into me and kill me. And take my soul with him. So then I tried to scream, and couldn't. And woke myself up.

If I'm going to dream creepy things, can't they at least be non-cliche?

Act 2, Scene 1

(Continued from my old blog. Your own problem if you don't have the link. Sorry.)

It is late in the morning a month or so after death has visited the girl. The curtain rises on her bedroom; it has been rearranged slightly and there are no pictures to be seen. The audience is made aware that she is not sleeping, but merely curled up, thinking and waiting. Life enters SL.


Life: Little one, you are stalling again. You cannot tell me that you are already tired of the new world I've been trying to show you!

Girl: (stretching lazily) I never thought that things could be like this.

Life: Is that not what you always wanted?

Girl: There's so much...more here. There's more and there's less.

Life: Less?! Certainly you are mistaken. You have only started to see, to experience - you have only started to heal from your wounds, though it has been years since you have shuddered against that blade which held you.

Girl: (slowly, with the naivete of a young child) That...that's just it! There used to be a crutch for me...there used to be the silent terrors that could overwhelm the demons. The most terrifying things could bring me back from the forbidden place, could always bring me back to safety and comfort. And now...now they do nothing against the real demons I face.

Life steps swiftly over to the bed, and forcibly lifts the girl out. She struggles against him as he prevails, setting her on her feet in front of her mirror.

Life: Look! Look, damn you! You have got to understand - this is you! This is me! There never were demons, never was anything beyond your own headstrong fears and imagination, you silly, simple thing!

Girl: (crying) I am so lost now! Nothing is within my grasp; you cannot understand. I feel helpless, confused, homeless - yes, that's the word I've been searching for - HOMELESS. I'm not at home within myself; nor am I in this new place you've shown me.

Life: (gently, rubbing her shoulder) Homeless. No...no, you are never without your home. I can take you...

Girl: (sobbing harder) You could never help me go home! You don't even know where my home is!

Life: (quietly) If you want to be at home, you must be at home first within yourself. Who are you, and who is the girl before us in that mirror?

Girl: (touching the mirror) I...I don't know who she is. She barely looks like anyone I know, much like anyone that I could be living inside.

Life: Come with me, then. You will not rest again until I have taken you far inside and outside of her...then you will know. Then you will be settled; you will be home - and maybe we'll vanquish your demons once and for all.