ISTP - Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving.
"ISTPs use their Thinking primarily internally to see the essential structure underlying the facts. Their minds seem to work almost like computers, organizing data, reasoning impersonally and objectively...ISTPs are expedient and believe in economy of effort - doing only what is needed with the least possible discussion and fuss...ISTPs are egalitarian and generally tolerant of a wide range of behavior - until their ruling logical principles are attacked. At that point, they can surprise others by expressing their firm and clear judgments. ISTPs listen and seem to agree because they are not disagreeing; later, others may find the ISTP was analyzing and making internal judgments...They tend to be quiet and reserved, though they can be quite talkative in areas in which they have a lot of knowledge." - MBTI Career Report, CPP Inc.
I was sitting at dinner last night with some people. The food was pretty good; the company was great. I noticed something though, and I think I noticed it only because it's been on my mind the past few days.
Well, I noticed two things but one of them wasn't new.
The first is just that I didn't talk much. It's not that I don't like these people (far from it), and it's not that I'm shy or even really socially anxious. I just didn't have anything to say - nothing came to mind that was relevant to the conversation. At the same time, I wasn't even thinking of anything to say - I was happy just watching and listening and thinking. That's the one that's not so new.
The "new" thing I noticed was the attempt made by a few people to draw me into conversation. I responded, of course (and hopefully graciously) - like I said, it's not that I'm antisocial. At the same time, it really made me pause a bit. I felt like I was maybe being a bit burdensome because maybe these people felt like they had to prod me into talking because I was incapable of just breaking into the conversation myself, or something. It made me wonder if maybe that's what it feels like to be missing a limb or something - you probably don't notice it's gone as much as the people around you do, and while you've adapted and are more or less happy with your place in life, other people assume that you're lacking and go out of their way to help you.
I think it's reasonable that if I'm in a social setting, I should socialize - for some reason, it just hadn't really occurred to me last night, and I realized that it's not as though I have some big sign on my forehead saying "hey, I'm doing great, I think you're awesome, don't mind the silence, it's not you or me, really!" and so who knows how it really was coming across to the people around me. I realized that not talking probably does come across as being shy, or socially incapable, or whatever, and I don't like that. Least of all do I like for others to feel as though they have to extend themselves to me - hard to articulate exactly why. I guess it's because I don't feel like there's anything wrong with me, and I don't want others to feel like I need "special treatment" or something.
I was only thinking about it because of the results from the MBTI that I got back the other day. They shook me up in some ways, because there were a couple of things that I saw as weaknesses in myself, mostly related to how I think and how I act towards others, and the results seemed to be saying that those two things were actually innately me, that it's just how I think, how I am. (So it made them go from small challenges to something bigger, something less changeable.)
The first challenge relates to the way I see conversations, and situations in general. I just take information in. It's hard for me to draw conclusions...not to say that I don't understand things well. I'm extremely perceptive about people, and can tell (easily) when someone's lying, or covering something up, or lying to their self, etc. I notice and remember the most inane details about whatever situations I end up in. But it's hard for me to understand implications about the future, or implications from the past that made something so. I almost refuse to draw conclusions unless I have a TON of data.
Not to say I don't try. I think over the years the way I've handled the "not being able to predict what's coming" thing is to just assume the worst, because at least then I'll have a plan for if something terrible happens.
The second challenge relates to how I interact with people. I can be extremely dry and impersonal, and have cut open most (if not all) of the people closest to me with those cutting one-line remarks that go right to the gut and sit there for awhile like a brick of ice. I usually let logic overrule whatever personal or emotional considerations I may have, and I know that really hurts people at times.
The MBTI results took these and basically said..."Yeah, well...yeah, that's who you are." It wasn't a surprise, but it really upset me.
I know that a lot of what I'm struggling with now just has to do with me accepting myself, and I don't know why that's so hard. People seem to like me for the most part, I get pretty good grades, I don't think I've ever had a supervisor that thought I was incompetent, I think most people would call me a "good person."
I think I can divide the sources of my feelings up into two categories: first, what I want for myself and what I want myself to be (and why); second, what I think "the world" values.
Taking the first. I've given myself a very limited view of what it means to care for someone, and of what it means to be meaningful to someone. I worry that being so analytical and having the ability to say some really heartless things will prevent me from being as maternal and caring as I want to be when I have a family. I worry that I won't understand my children or my spouse. I've always wanted to just be a girl, and I think every guy I've dated has heard me whine about not feeling like a girl without understanding what I was saying or getting at, but this is what I've meant. It's like I'm too logical sometimes to just let go and care. It's always bugged me that I can't understand where a situation is going; I'd like to be able to make those connections. Besides, it's really hurtful to be around someone who's always assuming the worst - and I've been trying to train myself out of that mindset for years now, with little success.
Broaching the second train of thought - I'm smart. I can write a really solid essay or pull an A in a difficult class. That's not the issue. I just feel like my combination of traits can basically be distilled into "You're boring." I don't think all the time - probably at least half of the time I'm literally just watching and storing things. When I do think, I don't think boring things, but the problem is that I usually don't feel like I should just pelt people with my thoughts (How would I know that they want to hear them, etc...) Perhaps what worries me more is the "black and white" way I tend to see the world. Society really values (and perhaps rightfully so) people who can look into a situation and be empathetic to someone who messed up because they were "just human" - and I can do that to a certain extent, but in the end I always tend toward the side of justice and having to take responsibility for the consequences of one's actions, regardless of extenuating circumstances. People see that as heartless a lot of the time.
So, I guess I just feel like my mind doesn't do interesting things like other people's does, and I feel like my heart doesn't always speak as loudly as I'd like it to. I'm not even sure why it matters. I'm loved, I'm successful, I haven't gotten into any major trouble, I have the world wide open in front of me. I realize all of this, and it's like I'm still not happy with myself and how my mind works.
That's also not entirely true, though. I'm loving 213 (Introduction to Computer Systems.) Lately we've done a few labs where we've had to go through assembly code and either figure out what it's doing, or figure out the memory addressing to write some kiddie versions of buffer overflow attacks. I won't say that doing the work has been blissful, because that would just sound stupid, but I've *really* *really* *really* enjoyed it. It's exactly the sort of thinking I've been wanting to do for the past few years, and finally getting it is nice. It's the sort of thinking that doesn't make my head hurt, that actually makes me feel relaxed and invigorated after I'm done.
So, I suppose I'm just confused. I feel a lot better now after just writing about it than I have in the past few days just worrying it over in my head. Not sure where all of the self-judgments came from...well, I mean, I do. I stuck a few really broad, common, notions in my mind and told myself that I had to meet them, and exactly them. And deep down I wouldn't change who I am; I wouldn't change how it feels to work on 213 (or the amount of loathing I felt for working on 212 by the end of last semester), or any of that. I think it's just a matter of me findng the right place in life - finding ways to give my dominant traits healthy outlets and letting myself see that I don't actually have to be everything that everyone else is just to be happy. Perhaps it means being a bit more self-aware, especially in social settings, just so I don't feel like I make things awkward.
In conclusion...it also occurs to me that in the grand scheme of things to be upset about, these are good problems to have. "Oh Goodness! I've got a roof over my head and food to eat at a top University, I'm loved, I'm healthy, my family and friends are incredible, and and and I just have to figure out what to do with my life and how to live in order for me to gain the maximum satisfaction from life and my relationships."
Fuck, I'm such a spoiled brat. With lots of homework to do. (2 hours after I sat down to write for 15 minutes to clear my head...)
25 February 2007
22 February 2007
Tired
My day thus far:
0330: Wake up, get dressed, walk to work with a panda
0430 - 0600: Write 3 page paper for Chinese Culture through Film
0600-0840: Nap
0900-1030: Class
1030-1200: Class
1200-1230: Revise and print paper
1230-1330: Lunch, wandering, talking.
1330-1500: Class
1500-1600: Reading for Chinese Culture through Film
1600-1630: Setup for event I'm supposed to be running
1630-1800: Event (of which only half of the participants show up; partly because I only remembered to send out an e-mail reminder to about half of the participants. Bleh.)
1800-1830: Cleanup, have longest conversation of the past week or two with the roommate
1830 (now) - 2130: Chinese Culture Through Film
In conclusion: It has been a long day, and I am tired. And next time I won't forget to send out reminder e-mails...I hate dropping the ball on things like that.
And apparently my MBTI type is ISTP. It's different than it was when I took it last year. They did a survey of people with that personality type, and apparently most people with this type find satisfaction being farmers and freight handlers.
More thoughts on that when it's not time for class...
0330: Wake up, get dressed, walk to work with a panda
0430 - 0600: Write 3 page paper for Chinese Culture through Film
0600-0840: Nap
0900-1030: Class
1030-1200: Class
1200-1230: Revise and print paper
1230-1330: Lunch, wandering, talking.
1330-1500: Class
1500-1600: Reading for Chinese Culture through Film
1600-1630: Setup for event I'm supposed to be running
1630-1800: Event (of which only half of the participants show up; partly because I only remembered to send out an e-mail reminder to about half of the participants. Bleh.)
1800-1830: Cleanup, have longest conversation of the past week or two with the roommate
1830 (now) - 2130: Chinese Culture Through Film
In conclusion: It has been a long day, and I am tired. And next time I won't forget to send out reminder e-mails...I hate dropping the ball on things like that.
And apparently my MBTI type is ISTP. It's different than it was when I took it last year. They did a survey of people with that personality type, and apparently most people with this type find satisfaction being farmers and freight handlers.
More thoughts on that when it's not time for class...
21 February 2007
Sunup
I am the love of a panda's life...
Anyhow.
Lent starts today. The panda and I are giving up soda. I guess it's a fairly typical item to give up; I hope that it's something common enough in my life that it gives me a lot of occasions to pause over the coming weeks.
It's hard to explain Lent to people. I got into an argument with a good friend (one of many Protestants in my life, hehe) about why it's necessary to have a "season" for growth and discipline instead of living life that way all the time. The best I can do is to offer the observation that when you do anything routinely and for a long enough period of time, it becomes exactly that - routine - and I really do think that there's some value in choosing a few weeks to concentrate on doing something a bit different, even if it's just for the sake of learning some self-discipline and experience something other than instant gratification all the time.
Last year was ironic. I got back into Pittsburgh from spending the weekend with the parentals and Tom in DC on a Sunday, and it was the Sunday before Ash Wednesday. I went to evening Mass, and the homily had been about finding something meaningful to give up, and taking Lent as a real season of sacrifice. I can remember sitting there thinking about the hardest thing to give up, and having it actually happen later that night. So, last Lent really was a season to learn about pain, and love, and growth, and figuring out how God fits into everything and what God actually does (and doesn't do) in a person's life.
This year I'm looking for something a bit less heavy-hearted. Kathryn and I were talking when she visited over Christmas about ways to find God in everday life. I think there are a lot of ways to approach it. In any case, I hope Lent at least helps me to take a few steps back and reexamine who I am and what my place in life really is.
I'm sitting here at a desk at 0530 with heavy eyelids, looking back about how much things have changed - how much I've changed - in the past year, and wondering what this coming year is going to bring. Meh. It's impossible to tell - and all that matters right now is that my A.I. homework is finally done, I have a graph theory test in 5 hours, and some 213 to finish (which would also require STARTING) by 23:59 tomorrow...one day at a time.
Anyhow.
Lent starts today. The panda and I are giving up soda. I guess it's a fairly typical item to give up; I hope that it's something common enough in my life that it gives me a lot of occasions to pause over the coming weeks.
It's hard to explain Lent to people. I got into an argument with a good friend (one of many Protestants in my life, hehe) about why it's necessary to have a "season" for growth and discipline instead of living life that way all the time. The best I can do is to offer the observation that when you do anything routinely and for a long enough period of time, it becomes exactly that - routine - and I really do think that there's some value in choosing a few weeks to concentrate on doing something a bit different, even if it's just for the sake of learning some self-discipline and experience something other than instant gratification all the time.
Last year was ironic. I got back into Pittsburgh from spending the weekend with the parentals and Tom in DC on a Sunday, and it was the Sunday before Ash Wednesday. I went to evening Mass, and the homily had been about finding something meaningful to give up, and taking Lent as a real season of sacrifice. I can remember sitting there thinking about the hardest thing to give up, and having it actually happen later that night. So, last Lent really was a season to learn about pain, and love, and growth, and figuring out how God fits into everything and what God actually does (and doesn't do) in a person's life.
This year I'm looking for something a bit less heavy-hearted. Kathryn and I were talking when she visited over Christmas about ways to find God in everday life. I think there are a lot of ways to approach it. In any case, I hope Lent at least helps me to take a few steps back and reexamine who I am and what my place in life really is.
I'm sitting here at a desk at 0530 with heavy eyelids, looking back about how much things have changed - how much I've changed - in the past year, and wondering what this coming year is going to bring. Meh. It's impossible to tell - and all that matters right now is that my A.I. homework is finally done, I have a graph theory test in 5 hours, and some 213 to finish (which would also require STARTING) by 23:59 tomorrow...one day at a time.
19 February 2007
Bricks
My replacement high school class ring was finally shipped and arrived at my parents' house late last week. It's nice to be able finally to close the door on everything from nearly a year ago. When I sat down to type this, I glanced over at the boyfriend's iPod and although muted, it was on "Jane" by Ben Folds...it's been silently working its way through Ben Folds Live - another irony as it was my "Get Over Tom" CD.
I was hoping to go home this weekend and get my high school ring, as well as my CMU ring, and a few other things I'd like to keep close, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen. If it does, it'll make Thursday an even longer day and I'll come back to CMU on Saturday.
I realized the other day how often February has been a strained month for my relationships - it was when "that thing" happened with Charles, when I broke up with Matt, when Tom broke up with me. I'm guessing there are a number of other factors that could be correlated to produce a nice profile of how I'm affected by - lots of things - blahblahblahblah...not sure where I was going with that.
Spring break is going to be REALLY nice. I looked at my homework schedule last night, and I'll have from 20 Feb - 20 March to do one CS project, until 29 March for another one, and beyond those I'll just have some graph theory work and some reading to do for the IR classes. Really what that means is that a) I won't have to drag a laptop to Germany and b) I'll be able to do the other stuff on the plane and won't have to actually be working on homework the whole break. And after spending Freshman and Sophomore years that way - it's going to be perfect.
Changing the subject -
I had a conversation the other week with another female engineer who remarked about how much easier it is to be friends with guys, especially at CMU, than it is to be friends with girls. We laughed a bit nervously as we agreed, and then tried to figure out why it's so. I have some thoughts, and they all go along the lines of females being much more competitive and territorial, and that it's easier to see other girls as being little more than competition for EVERYTHING - grades, mates, etc.
I'm not arguing that the girls are MEAN to each other (far from it, in fact), just that I haven't witnessed as many of the deep friendships between girls as I have between girls and guys, or even guys and guys. It brings up an interesting, probably not entirely accurate, hypothesis about innate gender differences. I'm also not saying that a girl's place is to make babies and stay in the kitchen, but I wonder if there have been any studies of the social relationships among and within the genders, particularly in a field like engineering. I've seen many people say that girls seem a lot more driven and determined, but why would that even be so?*
Hm. I had a conversation with another female recently about friendship, and she was talking about how she's not really close to anyone she went to high school with, and doesn't really have - any - super close female friends. I didn't perceive that she felt like she was really "missing out", or felt "friendless" or un-wanted, but sometimes it really does seem like females tend to focus a lot on the pragmatic aspects of life and that, while ideally friendship is tied up in everything, sometimes it seems like the close personal relationships take a bit of a backseat, even unintentionally.
More to say, but not without pondering first.
* I'm leaving it as a rhetorical question for the sake of not alienating ALL of you, heh.
I was hoping to go home this weekend and get my high school ring, as well as my CMU ring, and a few other things I'd like to keep close, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen. If it does, it'll make Thursday an even longer day and I'll come back to CMU on Saturday.
I realized the other day how often February has been a strained month for my relationships - it was when "that thing" happened with Charles, when I broke up with Matt, when Tom broke up with me. I'm guessing there are a number of other factors that could be correlated to produce a nice profile of how I'm affected by - lots of things - blahblahblahblah...not sure where I was going with that.
Spring break is going to be REALLY nice. I looked at my homework schedule last night, and I'll have from 20 Feb - 20 March to do one CS project, until 29 March for another one, and beyond those I'll just have some graph theory work and some reading to do for the IR classes. Really what that means is that a) I won't have to drag a laptop to Germany and b) I'll be able to do the other stuff on the plane and won't have to actually be working on homework the whole break. And after spending Freshman and Sophomore years that way - it's going to be perfect.
Changing the subject -
I had a conversation the other week with another female engineer who remarked about how much easier it is to be friends with guys, especially at CMU, than it is to be friends with girls. We laughed a bit nervously as we agreed, and then tried to figure out why it's so. I have some thoughts, and they all go along the lines of females being much more competitive and territorial, and that it's easier to see other girls as being little more than competition for EVERYTHING - grades, mates, etc.
I'm not arguing that the girls are MEAN to each other (far from it, in fact), just that I haven't witnessed as many of the deep friendships between girls as I have between girls and guys, or even guys and guys. It brings up an interesting, probably not entirely accurate, hypothesis about innate gender differences. I'm also not saying that a girl's place is to make babies and stay in the kitchen, but I wonder if there have been any studies of the social relationships among and within the genders, particularly in a field like engineering. I've seen many people say that girls seem a lot more driven and determined, but why would that even be so?*
Hm. I had a conversation with another female recently about friendship, and she was talking about how she's not really close to anyone she went to high school with, and doesn't really have - any - super close female friends. I didn't perceive that she felt like she was really "missing out", or felt "friendless" or un-wanted, but sometimes it really does seem like females tend to focus a lot on the pragmatic aspects of life and that, while ideally friendship is tied up in everything, sometimes it seems like the close personal relationships take a bit of a backseat, even unintentionally.
More to say, but not without pondering first.
* I'm leaving it as a rhetorical question for the sake of not alienating ALL of you, heh.
15 February 2007
Hearts and Stuff
Valentine's day was really good. The boyfriend gave me the fluffiest most adorable stuffed bear ever (and proceeded to name him "Stuggles") and took me out to a really nice dinner at a small Italian restaurant near campus.
Life has been pretty busy. I didn't do much Monday or Tuesday since I was sick, and yesterday I started playing catch up. I should have done more...but it was Valentine's day! I have a meeting in an hour that I rescheduled from Monday - really wish I would have kept it Monday so I could sleep for a few hours before my 6:30 class. I have an A.I. assignment due Tuesday that I haven't started yet, and I promised myself I'd give myself more time on this one than I did on the last one. And I have a graph theory test Monday and Wednesday. Meh. Whine whine whine whine whine.
In any case. I'm really looking forward to Spring Break. It's only 3 weeks from tomorrow! For some reason spring semester always flies by. I'm going to push myself hard the next few weeks so hopefully I won't have that much work to do in Germany. I'm looking forward to really getting away for a bit - life at CMU always seems to get a bit intense, no matter how hard I try to not bite off too much.
I don't even keep myself nearly as busy as a lot of people I know...crazy.
I got a paper returned in International Organizations today. The professor gave me a really good grade, in spite of a glaring omission on my part, just because I write really well and make good arguments. I keep getting good grades on my Chinese Culture Through Film papers, too. Writing, especially when I'm prompted with something, tends to come pretty easily for me. It makes me wonder if I'd be better off majoring in something else, but at the same time I don't think I wrote nearly as well before getting to college. It's almost as though having all of the analytical classes and learning how to think constructively has somehow translated into writing skills. (Which is still strange, given that most engineers are really cruddy writers.)
---------------
Edit:
Okay, I'm glad the meeting was today. I really like this group - and our advisor ordered us pizza. Somehow she knew we'd all want some comfort food. :-P
Also, I just realized that I tend to talk more, especially about myself, when I'm really tired. Not sure why that happens.
Life has been pretty busy. I didn't do much Monday or Tuesday since I was sick, and yesterday I started playing catch up. I should have done more...but it was Valentine's day! I have a meeting in an hour that I rescheduled from Monday - really wish I would have kept it Monday so I could sleep for a few hours before my 6:30 class. I have an A.I. assignment due Tuesday that I haven't started yet, and I promised myself I'd give myself more time on this one than I did on the last one. And I have a graph theory test Monday and Wednesday. Meh. Whine whine whine whine whine.
In any case. I'm really looking forward to Spring Break. It's only 3 weeks from tomorrow! For some reason spring semester always flies by. I'm going to push myself hard the next few weeks so hopefully I won't have that much work to do in Germany. I'm looking forward to really getting away for a bit - life at CMU always seems to get a bit intense, no matter how hard I try to not bite off too much.
I don't even keep myself nearly as busy as a lot of people I know...crazy.
I got a paper returned in International Organizations today. The professor gave me a really good grade, in spite of a glaring omission on my part, just because I write really well and make good arguments. I keep getting good grades on my Chinese Culture Through Film papers, too. Writing, especially when I'm prompted with something, tends to come pretty easily for me. It makes me wonder if I'd be better off majoring in something else, but at the same time I don't think I wrote nearly as well before getting to college. It's almost as though having all of the analytical classes and learning how to think constructively has somehow translated into writing skills. (Which is still strange, given that most engineers are really cruddy writers.)
---------------
Edit:
Okay, I'm glad the meeting was today. I really like this group - and our advisor ordered us pizza. Somehow she knew we'd all want some comfort food. :-P
Also, I just realized that I tend to talk more, especially about myself, when I'm really tired. Not sure why that happens.
11 February 2007
Milestones
I'm never going to forget this weekend.
On Friday, a panda and I headed out of town to visit an old friend of his near Harrisburg. We got out of Pittsburgh kind of late and took our time driving, and so got there at around 11:15 or so. Yesterday was a really relaxed day. I got a lot of reading done for one class, and started formulating answers for graph theory.
In the afternoon, Tom took a long nap and I got to spend a few hours talking to Patrick (the friend), which was wonderful. They say that friends tend to be part of the most significant influences on a person's attutides and personality, and I saw some of that. Then later when the men (boys? ha.) went out to get stuff to make chili, I got to talk with Patrick's wife, Mary Ann, for awhile. It usually talkes me awhile to come out of my shell with people, but she's really easy to talk to. Later when we were making the chili, she played the piano for awhile and it was absolutely incredible.
Tom and I stayed up awhile last night after the other two headed off to sleep. It was nice; sometimes it feels like with us being so busy with school and meetings, etc. we don't always have that much time to just "be" around each other.
So, that was the fun part of the weekend. I learned a lot, relaxed a lot, got to spend time in a real house and help cook real food, and other good things that don't really lend themselves so well to an internet summary of my life. :-P
On the drive back, I got a fairly upsetting call from my Mom, and I'm still turning it over in my head. Sometimes it feels like people, or situations, get so far removed from reality, and seeing what happens when they're forced to snap back isn't always pretty. I almost feel like I'm looking at the people involved through some kind of filter that's taking their weaknesses and magnifying, distorting, them - making it hard to understand them for who they were (or who i thought or hoped they were). I'm not sure how things are going to "turn out", and in time all things do blow over, but right now I'm just kind of shocked and a bit disappointed.
So, on that note. Time to finish off graph theory...?
On Friday, a panda and I headed out of town to visit an old friend of his near Harrisburg. We got out of Pittsburgh kind of late and took our time driving, and so got there at around 11:15 or so. Yesterday was a really relaxed day. I got a lot of reading done for one class, and started formulating answers for graph theory.
In the afternoon, Tom took a long nap and I got to spend a few hours talking to Patrick (the friend), which was wonderful. They say that friends tend to be part of the most significant influences on a person's attutides and personality, and I saw some of that. Then later when the men (boys? ha.) went out to get stuff to make chili, I got to talk with Patrick's wife, Mary Ann, for awhile. It usually talkes me awhile to come out of my shell with people, but she's really easy to talk to. Later when we were making the chili, she played the piano for awhile and it was absolutely incredible.
Tom and I stayed up awhile last night after the other two headed off to sleep. It was nice; sometimes it feels like with us being so busy with school and meetings, etc. we don't always have that much time to just "be" around each other.
So, that was the fun part of the weekend. I learned a lot, relaxed a lot, got to spend time in a real house and help cook real food, and other good things that don't really lend themselves so well to an internet summary of my life. :-P
On the drive back, I got a fairly upsetting call from my Mom, and I'm still turning it over in my head. Sometimes it feels like people, or situations, get so far removed from reality, and seeing what happens when they're forced to snap back isn't always pretty. I almost feel like I'm looking at the people involved through some kind of filter that's taking their weaknesses and magnifying, distorting, them - making it hard to understand them for who they were (or who i thought or hoped they were). I'm not sure how things are going to "turn out", and in time all things do blow over, but right now I'm just kind of shocked and a bit disappointed.
So, on that note. Time to finish off graph theory...?
06 February 2007
Jones Soda
...told me to call my dad yesterday.
Ha.
In other news, it is really freaking cold in Pittsburgh and it sounds like it's pretty cold everywhere else, too. I like warm weather so much better if for no other reason than I tend to resent all the energy I spend just keeping warm, energy that could be spent doing things like homework. Blah. It's more than just not liking the physical sensation of coldness - it's feeling like the cold gets into every single part of me inside, just sucking all the energy and life out. I hate it.
(Edit: Until I, for the second week running, do much more poorly than I expected. Grumble. Intel, I blame you and your little-endian foo. )
Ha.
In other news, it is really freaking cold in Pittsburgh and it sounds like it's pretty cold everywhere else, too. I like warm weather so much better if for no other reason than I tend to resent all the energy I spend just keeping warm, energy that could be spent doing things like homework. Blah. It's more than just not liking the physical sensation of coldness - it's feeling like the cold gets into every single part of me inside, just sucking all the energy and life out. I hate it.
(There's a panda nudging at me and telling me to make comments about...well, never mind. He's been acting funny lately, what with picking up Mormonism and all. I think it's a phase, but according to him we're running away to Utah this weekend...)
Hm. What else.
There's an interesting trend of thought in my International Orgainzations class. It seems to go something like "Everything bad that happens is the fault of the U.S. because the U.S. should be able to step in and stop anything bad from happening. Not only that, but it's their job to do so even in the face of overwhelming public and international disapproval because we, the educated elite, can clearly discern right from wrong. (Looking back at historical events...) At the same time, we're going to be a part of the popular majority opposing current U.S. efforts because we, the educated elite, can still clearly discern right from wrong and this is definitely wrong, particularly because the rest of the world and country think so."
It's not just the actual politics involved in the specific situations, it's the fact that there's such an inconsistency of ideals regarding what the U.S. is supposed to do - I feel like instead of actually applying a systemetic thought process regardling policy and action/inaction, the idea is to just follow the trend of popular opinion with respect to individual situations. It's true that there may be some value in that, at least in terms of acknowledging the role of popular support in world politics, but at the same time it just *feels* strange sometimes to be sitting in a classroom listening to people continually contradict themselves without even realizing it, or stopping to defend the contradictions. (In other words - I could care less about what people's actual political ideals ARE, as long as they can keep them consistent and therefore more or less reasoned...)
I know that it would make more sense for me to say something about it during class, instead of being a wuss and just blogging about it like some whiny 12 year old...yeah. I have no defense. I guess there's a bit of a wuss in all of us, especially those of us decidedly not making a career of poli sci or anything of the sort.
On that note, time for a quiz on assembly code. Processors are so sexy.
(Edit: Until I, for the second week running, do much more poorly than I expected. Grumble. Intel, I blame you and your little-endian foo. )
02 February 2007
Waking Life
I finally got around to watching it tonight, and I'm...really really surprised, and even a bit delighted with it.
Matt and I have such orthogonal perspectives on life most of the time. I'm so much of a realist; he could be described as a constructivist; I'm so rational, and he's more artsy (in some sense) and careless.
The movie was just incredible, though. (I'm going to talk about it now, if you couldn't tell from the context. So quit reading if you don't like hearing about movies you haven't seen.)
I'm not sure I would even really classify it as a movie or a film - it was more like an hour and a half of some really interesting philosophical perspectives kind of stitched together by one character. The graphics (it's an animated film) were very well done, too. There were some sequences where the figures were drawn the way they might be in a dream, or the way they might be in the memory of a dream. The audio throughout was incredibly realistic, though - it was like having that same sort of inner commentary that makes a dream, however strange, seem cohesive and somewhat related to the real world.
I think that the main purpose of the work was to try and jolt people out of a somewhat complacent existence into a frame of mind more engaged with all those lofty ideals of humanity: freedom, individuality, meaning. I liked it because it did so by being mostly POSITIVE, though. The segments just presented a bunch of interesting thoughts to consider, using some really effective visual and auditory techniques, but it wasn't the sort of assault that one usually experiences from those "get off yo' ass" sorts of works. (There was one clip with a guy driving around in a car ranting about the "control" of the media, government, etc. which bordered a bit on liberal hysteria, but even that wasn't so bad because the character didn't go into specific politics, and so the part gets to stand as a reminder that so much of what we do see and experience has been filtered and constructed that it does take a fair amount of discernment to truly stay engaged with reality, etc.)
There were some parts I really didn't agree with, of course, but those were for mostly scientific and logical reasons. I'd have to do more research to decide where I really stand - but one conversation was about some supposed "collective consciousness" shared by humanity. Not sure about that.
The one purely terrifying (to me) moment in the whole thing - apparently after one's body physically quits (dies), the brain keeps going for 6-12 minutes...and who knows how long those minutes might seem, given how slowly "real" time can go by in comparison to "dream" time? I think the idea of those few mid-death minutes is going to haunt me for awhile - hopefully I'll have the sort of life to make those minutes overflow with wonderful, wonderful memories.
I was mildly bemused (okay, and inspired...) by the bits of Catholic philosophy I kept noticing. There was one clip about the necessity of work to give order and meaning to humanity which could have been taken word for word from some of my theology classes in high school. There was another one about the "new evolution" of mankind and how it's hopefully headed from a paradigm of predation (among humanity) toward one of "individuality, truth, loyalty, justice, and freedom" - which I think is a really succinct statement about the true nature of Christianity, even without the literal Christ figure.
One segment presented an argument regarding free will - namely, the importance of at least considering the question and the concept, and how it's such a fallacy to try to write off the idea as irrelevant to modern time, or unimportant because of its opacity and seeming unanswerability. I appreciated how the film encourages people to really start thinking without seeming to push them in one direction or the other.
Also, the last clip talks about time and how some people would say that time is just an illusion to distract us from the fact that there's only ever been one "time" (moment) and that is now, and now is eternity. More than just distracting us from the fact that we're in the same moment that there's ever been, time serves to lull us into a false sense of security about really living life and how the trick is to start moving from the "no", the "will to nothingness" into this gigantic "yes" where we accept that we are whole individuals with actual intellect, freedom, and even (especially) responsibility. With that initial yes comes a whole "chain of affirmation" that leads us along...
I'm sure that the film makers didn't intend for the film to be a discourse on Catholocism. (One part involved the main character flipping through some channels on TV, and there was a show with a priest on it, only the priest was a puppet...heh) That's part of what makes it so good, though. Somehow someone figured out how to express some extremely important and stimulating (and in my opinion, mostly true and logically sound) ideas in a non self-rightous, nonthreatening, non-elitist manner. Beyond that, it doesn't really matter what labels a person chooses to put on it, does it?
Matt and I have such orthogonal perspectives on life most of the time. I'm so much of a realist; he could be described as a constructivist; I'm so rational, and he's more artsy (in some sense) and careless.
The movie was just incredible, though. (I'm going to talk about it now, if you couldn't tell from the context. So quit reading if you don't like hearing about movies you haven't seen.)
I'm not sure I would even really classify it as a movie or a film - it was more like an hour and a half of some really interesting philosophical perspectives kind of stitched together by one character. The graphics (it's an animated film) were very well done, too. There were some sequences where the figures were drawn the way they might be in a dream, or the way they might be in the memory of a dream. The audio throughout was incredibly realistic, though - it was like having that same sort of inner commentary that makes a dream, however strange, seem cohesive and somewhat related to the real world.
I think that the main purpose of the work was to try and jolt people out of a somewhat complacent existence into a frame of mind more engaged with all those lofty ideals of humanity: freedom, individuality, meaning. I liked it because it did so by being mostly POSITIVE, though. The segments just presented a bunch of interesting thoughts to consider, using some really effective visual and auditory techniques, but it wasn't the sort of assault that one usually experiences from those "get off yo' ass" sorts of works. (There was one clip with a guy driving around in a car ranting about the "control" of the media, government, etc. which bordered a bit on liberal hysteria, but even that wasn't so bad because the character didn't go into specific politics, and so the part gets to stand as a reminder that so much of what we do see and experience has been filtered and constructed that it does take a fair amount of discernment to truly stay engaged with reality, etc.)
There were some parts I really didn't agree with, of course, but those were for mostly scientific and logical reasons. I'd have to do more research to decide where I really stand - but one conversation was about some supposed "collective consciousness" shared by humanity. Not sure about that.
The one purely terrifying (to me) moment in the whole thing - apparently after one's body physically quits (dies), the brain keeps going for 6-12 minutes...and who knows how long those minutes might seem, given how slowly "real" time can go by in comparison to "dream" time? I think the idea of those few mid-death minutes is going to haunt me for awhile - hopefully I'll have the sort of life to make those minutes overflow with wonderful, wonderful memories.
I was mildly bemused (okay, and inspired...) by the bits of Catholic philosophy I kept noticing. There was one clip about the necessity of work to give order and meaning to humanity which could have been taken word for word from some of my theology classes in high school. There was another one about the "new evolution" of mankind and how it's hopefully headed from a paradigm of predation (among humanity) toward one of "individuality, truth, loyalty, justice, and freedom" - which I think is a really succinct statement about the true nature of Christianity, even without the literal Christ figure.
One segment presented an argument regarding free will - namely, the importance of at least considering the question and the concept, and how it's such a fallacy to try to write off the idea as irrelevant to modern time, or unimportant because of its opacity and seeming unanswerability. I appreciated how the film encourages people to really start thinking without seeming to push them in one direction or the other.
Also, the last clip talks about time and how some people would say that time is just an illusion to distract us from the fact that there's only ever been one "time" (moment) and that is now, and now is eternity. More than just distracting us from the fact that we're in the same moment that there's ever been, time serves to lull us into a false sense of security about really living life and how the trick is to start moving from the "no", the "will to nothingness" into this gigantic "yes" where we accept that we are whole individuals with actual intellect, freedom, and even (especially) responsibility. With that initial yes comes a whole "chain of affirmation" that leads us along...
I'm sure that the film makers didn't intend for the film to be a discourse on Catholocism. (One part involved the main character flipping through some channels on TV, and there was a show with a priest on it, only the priest was a puppet...heh) That's part of what makes it so good, though. Somehow someone figured out how to express some extremely important and stimulating (and in my opinion, mostly true and logically sound) ideas in a non self-rightous, nonthreatening, non-elitist manner. Beyond that, it doesn't really matter what labels a person chooses to put on it, does it?
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