Yesterday was absolutely fantastic.
I went into the lab early, and figured out what was wrong with one of our setups that "mysteriously" quit working the other day. I'd planned on spending much of the day troubleshooting, so then I had a lot of free time. I got lunch with a good friend, then headed home.
Laura and I spent the whole afternoon hanging out...not "doing homework together" hanging out, but actual "I have time to kill" hanging out. It was great. I cut through a bunch more of Cryptonomicon. That book is absolutely hilarious (it's not a funny story, but Stephenson has an amazing ability to phrase things in nerd-speak) and so Laura kept making me read her the passages that made me laugh out loud (LOL).
Anyway, then she headed out to the Pirates game and I got ready to go to the Symphony for class. The PSO performed really well, and the class had good seats on the main floor. During intermission our professor rushed us out to the lobby so we could get our programs signed by the pianist (one of the pieces performed was Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1) and the guy actually looked up from the stream of people to look me in the eye and smile. (I was reminded later that it was just 'cause I'm a girl, but hey, I'll take it.)
After that, I ended up at Gullifty's with the fellow who'd given me a ride to the concert. We walked in and there was a jazz trio playing, so we got to enjoy more live music for awhile (which was convenient since the waitress more or less forgot about us).
Today looks like another good day. There isn't a cloud in the sky, and it's starting to feel like autumn.
29 September 2007
27 September 2007
Gorman & West
Most kids probably don't care what their parents have on their walls.
I stole those photos from my brother's photostream because I saw them today and they made me happy. And a bit homesick.
I realized today, yet again, how much life really just depends on perceptions and nothing else. I'm actually busier than I was last semester, and doing about the same amount of homework, but I told myself it was going to be an easy semester, so it has been.
This week has been quite a bit more stressful than I anticipated, though, and I'm ready for a break.
26 September 2007
Phase Shift
This whole week has been really off balance.
Most of my classes were canceled on Monday, but I was supposed to have a meeting, and that got canceled. And then another meeting for an hour later came up, and got canceled a few hours later. So I ended up just hanging out on campus waiting for meetings that never happened until about 5.
Yesterday I woke up and felt kinda sick, but I went to campus anyway to do some research in the morning, and ended up heading to a tech talk and a meeting in the afternoon, and another meeting in the evening. The evening meeting was actually kind of interesting, so I was glad I stuck around for it.
Today I had more classes, although one of them was still canceled. I got caught up on some research from yesterday and got some reading done. I was planning to go to a makeup session for one of the Monday classes, but then I realized that I'd probably be better off finishing a paper I thought was due tomorrow, so I headed home to do that. As soon as I got home, I found out the paper's now due next week. So now tomorrow I have to stay on campus late to go to the other class makeup session.
I've just felt a couple steps off all week, and it's probably from things constantly ending up at different times and from me not really having a good sense of the actual workload I have for any of my classes since even that stuff keeps getting changed around. I mean yeah, everything that's happened has actually been in my favor, but I just want my routine back. :-P
Most of my classes were canceled on Monday, but I was supposed to have a meeting, and that got canceled. And then another meeting for an hour later came up, and got canceled a few hours later. So I ended up just hanging out on campus waiting for meetings that never happened until about 5.
Yesterday I woke up and felt kinda sick, but I went to campus anyway to do some research in the morning, and ended up heading to a tech talk and a meeting in the afternoon, and another meeting in the evening. The evening meeting was actually kind of interesting, so I was glad I stuck around for it.
Today I had more classes, although one of them was still canceled. I got caught up on some research from yesterday and got some reading done. I was planning to go to a makeup session for one of the Monday classes, but then I realized that I'd probably be better off finishing a paper I thought was due tomorrow, so I headed home to do that. As soon as I got home, I found out the paper's now due next week. So now tomorrow I have to stay on campus late to go to the other class makeup session.
I've just felt a couple steps off all week, and it's probably from things constantly ending up at different times and from me not really having a good sense of the actual workload I have for any of my classes since even that stuff keeps getting changed around. I mean yeah, everything that's happened has actually been in my favor, but I just want my routine back. :-P
21 September 2007
Santa Monica
The spring that I was in eighth grade, my parents bought me an acoustic guitar. It was some kind of Yamaha; not the most expensive thing ever but certainly nice and easy enough to bang out some chords on.
A few months later, my grandfather died. That whole time was one of the strangest events I've lived through. I remember sitting in my room after hearing about it, crying a bit and playing my guitar. I was teaching myself "Santa Monica" by Everclear. It's not a very complicated song (probably all of about 4 or 5 chords, plus whatever solo) but then, I wasn't very good so it still took awhile. I also recall thinking to myself "Yeah, I can be sitting in my room learning this song as an escape from my torrents of grief..." and realizing that if I was actually THINKING that thought, then playing the guitar probably wasn't actually part of whatever grieving I was doing.
(Okay, Jenn, what's the point?)
Two points, kind of.
Earlier this week, I saw "In the Shadow of the Moon" which is the documentary that just came out about the missions to the Moon starting back in the late 1960's. I loved it (probably drove people nuts with my glee) partially just because the space program is overall awesome, and partially because it reminded me a lot of my grandfather (and of my family in general.) At the risk of sounding melodramatic -- every now and then I get the feeling that Grandpa is really, really, close and that's how I felt for most of the film.
Whenever I get that feeling, it always makes me stop for a second and think, "Would Grandpa be proud of what I'm doing with my life right now?"
It's really easy to want to contrive a life that could fit into a resounding "yes" to that question, which is what I was getting at with the beginning part of this. It's so much easier to live life by putting together the right picture, but I also think that in the long run that makes it harder to get where one actually wants to go.
I guess now I can admit that all the times I got really upset about all the "pressure" at CMU...it wasn't because I honestly felt like other people were expecting things, or I wasn't measuring up, but more just that I wasn't doing as much as I felt I could have, or doing the things I really wanted to (more or less just telling myself I couldn't.) So, I guess the construction can go both ways.
I think all that this entry is saying is that I'm becoming more and more of a Buddhist, which will be highly satisfying for some people to learn (sigh) and is kind of strange for me on a number of levels, in any case. It's hard to imagine giving up going to Mass; at the same time, I'm questioning a lot. I suppose that's good and the idea is that questions lead to truth, no matter what the truth is, but...meh.
A few months later, my grandfather died. That whole time was one of the strangest events I've lived through. I remember sitting in my room after hearing about it, crying a bit and playing my guitar. I was teaching myself "Santa Monica" by Everclear. It's not a very complicated song (probably all of about 4 or 5 chords, plus whatever solo) but then, I wasn't very good so it still took awhile. I also recall thinking to myself "Yeah, I can be sitting in my room learning this song as an escape from my torrents of grief..." and realizing that if I was actually THINKING that thought, then playing the guitar probably wasn't actually part of whatever grieving I was doing.
(Okay, Jenn, what's the point?)
Two points, kind of.
Earlier this week, I saw "In the Shadow of the Moon" which is the documentary that just came out about the missions to the Moon starting back in the late 1960's. I loved it (probably drove people nuts with my glee) partially just because the space program is overall awesome, and partially because it reminded me a lot of my grandfather (and of my family in general.) At the risk of sounding melodramatic -- every now and then I get the feeling that Grandpa is really, really, close and that's how I felt for most of the film.
Whenever I get that feeling, it always makes me stop for a second and think, "Would Grandpa be proud of what I'm doing with my life right now?"
It's really easy to want to contrive a life that could fit into a resounding "yes" to that question, which is what I was getting at with the beginning part of this. It's so much easier to live life by putting together the right picture, but I also think that in the long run that makes it harder to get where one actually wants to go.
I guess now I can admit that all the times I got really upset about all the "pressure" at CMU...it wasn't because I honestly felt like other people were expecting things, or I wasn't measuring up, but more just that I wasn't doing as much as I felt I could have, or doing the things I really wanted to (more or less just telling myself I couldn't.) So, I guess the construction can go both ways.
I think all that this entry is saying is that I'm becoming more and more of a Buddhist, which will be highly satisfying for some people to learn (sigh) and is kind of strange for me on a number of levels, in any case. It's hard to imagine giving up going to Mass; at the same time, I'm questioning a lot. I suppose that's good and the idea is that questions lead to truth, no matter what the truth is, but...meh.
20 September 2007
Nightmare
First nightmare in awhile last night, probably brought on by a couple conversations I had yesterday evening and right before bed.
I was with Brian and another CMU friend in one of the dorms. We were really bored, so Brian suggested we go get some legal-but-ingestible-things that were supposed to have some as of yet undefined effect on people to try. So we went to the desk, and talked to the girl, and she told us that we had to pay five "points" to get one. I dug around in my pocket and pulled out the points; they were these little figures like hearts and squares made out of cement. I paid the girl and she handed over a couple of the "things" which looked like little chunks (maybe the size of the quarter) of plastic explosive with cement pieces stuck on what were roughly the top and bottom.
We'd just eaten, and she told us that we couldn't take them between meals, so we set off to kill some time. Somehow I got separated from the guys, and wandered into this other part of the building where there was a colony of non-CMU people living. At some point it was made clear that I was to care for this newborn child, so I went to see it in the nursery, which was some kind of mostly open room with a couple palm trees (?) and a crib.
I leaned over to look at the child, and I heard someone saying "...the infant's blood and goat's blood." I felt slightly sick, and reached out to caress the child, and all of a sudden there was a knife in my hand and I was making tiny cuts on the child's arm. As soon as I realized what was happening the knife disappeared, and I was again just caressing the child. I picked him (I think it was a he, although I'm not sure) up and started cuddling him, and got really disconcerted because I didn't feel any of the warm fuzzy human feeling that USUALLY comes from holding a baby.
Anyway, it didn't matter because all of a sudden some woman came into the room with a gun. She told me that I had to leave, with the kid and this other guy, right away. I wasn't sure if the gun was intended for me, or for other people - I couldn't tell if she was helping me escape, or forcing me to go do something. I started walked out to the curb (by now the building had nothing at all to do with CMU) and towards a car that had its back doors open. I was about to get in when the fellow I was with suddenly pulled out a gun of his own. He told me to hold the baby, and stand at the curb with the lady. I started thinking that then would be a good time for something really lucky to happen, because it really seemed like I was about to get shot and I just wasn't too ready to accept that possibility. I walked to the curb, though, and before the lady could get there I woke up.
I was with Brian and another CMU friend in one of the dorms. We were really bored, so Brian suggested we go get some legal-but-ingestible-things that were supposed to have some as of yet undefined effect on people to try. So we went to the desk, and talked to the girl, and she told us that we had to pay five "points" to get one. I dug around in my pocket and pulled out the points; they were these little figures like hearts and squares made out of cement. I paid the girl and she handed over a couple of the "things" which looked like little chunks (maybe the size of the quarter) of plastic explosive with cement pieces stuck on what were roughly the top and bottom.
We'd just eaten, and she told us that we couldn't take them between meals, so we set off to kill some time. Somehow I got separated from the guys, and wandered into this other part of the building where there was a colony of non-CMU people living. At some point it was made clear that I was to care for this newborn child, so I went to see it in the nursery, which was some kind of mostly open room with a couple palm trees (?) and a crib.
I leaned over to look at the child, and I heard someone saying "...the infant's blood and goat's blood." I felt slightly sick, and reached out to caress the child, and all of a sudden there was a knife in my hand and I was making tiny cuts on the child's arm. As soon as I realized what was happening the knife disappeared, and I was again just caressing the child. I picked him (I think it was a he, although I'm not sure) up and started cuddling him, and got really disconcerted because I didn't feel any of the warm fuzzy human feeling that USUALLY comes from holding a baby.
Anyway, it didn't matter because all of a sudden some woman came into the room with a gun. She told me that I had to leave, with the kid and this other guy, right away. I wasn't sure if the gun was intended for me, or for other people - I couldn't tell if she was helping me escape, or forcing me to go do something. I started walked out to the curb (by now the building had nothing at all to do with CMU) and towards a car that had its back doors open. I was about to get in when the fellow I was with suddenly pulled out a gun of his own. He told me to hold the baby, and stand at the curb with the lady. I started thinking that then would be a good time for something really lucky to happen, because it really seemed like I was about to get shot and I just wasn't too ready to accept that possibility. I walked to the curb, though, and before the lady could get there I woke up.
16 September 2007
Last Thing
I love when you're dating someone and getting sorta hurt by something they do (or in some cases, something they DON'T do) and then getting the "Well, it's just the way I am, you should be more understanding of that and not take it so personally" runaround...and then watch as they go on not to have any problems doing for other people what they refused to do for you.
Bleh. I don't know why it's possible to be over someone and still be bothered by things like that. I guess in some ways it's because it ends up feeling like there was something wrong with me during the relationship, or something wrong with me in general. It's even worse when it's not even in the setting of a relationship, and you realize that in some ways as a girlfriend you weren't even as close, or thought of the same ways, as "actual" friends.
I've decided that I've pretty much had it with the whole typical relationship paradigm. In so many cases, it seems to be about person A who is very into person B pursuing person B. I stand by, more than ever now, my earlier statements about relationships as partnerships. Recently I've started to really dislike love songs that talk about people "belonging" to each other, because the idea just seems disgusting to me. Why should anyone want to let someone else own them? More importantly, how could you actually "own" someone you love? Doesn't that really imply losing a LOT of respect for them as a person?
I think it does. I think the biggest problem that I've run into within relationships is exactly that - not understanding that another person's desires and values, and opinions, are just as valid as one's own, and not being able to treat that person accordingly. I may even go so far as to argue that the best way of defining love is in the context of having the deepest respect for a person. In that way, a person becomes seen as a contributor to one's own life, not something that dominates or needs to be dominated.
This is kind of a tricky philosophy, because I've also been in situations where I've been expected to "respect" behaviors that made me deeply uncomfortable. I guess that's where I'd contend that actual respect - as opposed to respect used as an excuse or selfish or bullying mechanism- is able to reconcile itself with another person, and that it shouldn't ever, in any circumstance, even begin to resemble the zero-sum situation that it so often does. More than anything, respect can't be demanded.
I came to the startling realization last night that in the past 7 years I've dated 9 different guys (although in this sense I'm counting anyone I've been "together" with for as little as a week, and another person who never "officially" asked me out but was more or less my boyfriend for a little while...) and it made me realize how many actual dimensions there are to building respect and trust. There was one relationship that really stood out to me as having little mutual respect (mostly because it was built on the both of us trying to be people we genuinely weren't because we were trying so hard, for whatever reason, to please the other) and one that I wish I would have given the chance to work (was back in high school) but didn't.
Only two of them came out of a friendship that had existed for a significant time before the relationship, and unsurprisingly they're also two of the best friends I still have. All the others are somewhere in the middle.
So, this semester has been good because I haven't been in a relationship, or really pursuing one with anyone. I've been a lot more focused and productive, and actually a lot happier. I think I'm finally learning to have that patience that hopefully means that whatever relationship I end up sharing in the future will be something really spectacular, and not that strange power game.
Bleh. I don't know why it's possible to be over someone and still be bothered by things like that. I guess in some ways it's because it ends up feeling like there was something wrong with me during the relationship, or something wrong with me in general. It's even worse when it's not even in the setting of a relationship, and you realize that in some ways as a girlfriend you weren't even as close, or thought of the same ways, as "actual" friends.
I've decided that I've pretty much had it with the whole typical relationship paradigm. In so many cases, it seems to be about person A who is very into person B pursuing person B. I stand by, more than ever now, my earlier statements about relationships as partnerships. Recently I've started to really dislike love songs that talk about people "belonging" to each other, because the idea just seems disgusting to me. Why should anyone want to let someone else own them? More importantly, how could you actually "own" someone you love? Doesn't that really imply losing a LOT of respect for them as a person?
I think it does. I think the biggest problem that I've run into within relationships is exactly that - not understanding that another person's desires and values, and opinions, are just as valid as one's own, and not being able to treat that person accordingly. I may even go so far as to argue that the best way of defining love is in the context of having the deepest respect for a person. In that way, a person becomes seen as a contributor to one's own life, not something that dominates or needs to be dominated.
This is kind of a tricky philosophy, because I've also been in situations where I've been expected to "respect" behaviors that made me deeply uncomfortable. I guess that's where I'd contend that actual respect - as opposed to respect used as an excuse or selfish or bullying mechanism- is able to reconcile itself with another person, and that it shouldn't ever, in any circumstance, even begin to resemble the zero-sum situation that it so often does. More than anything, respect can't be demanded.
I came to the startling realization last night that in the past 7 years I've dated 9 different guys (although in this sense I'm counting anyone I've been "together" with for as little as a week, and another person who never "officially" asked me out but was more or less my boyfriend for a little while...) and it made me realize how many actual dimensions there are to building respect and trust. There was one relationship that really stood out to me as having little mutual respect (mostly because it was built on the both of us trying to be people we genuinely weren't because we were trying so hard, for whatever reason, to please the other) and one that I wish I would have given the chance to work (was back in high school) but didn't.
Only two of them came out of a friendship that had existed for a significant time before the relationship, and unsurprisingly they're also two of the best friends I still have. All the others are somewhere in the middle.
So, this semester has been good because I haven't been in a relationship, or really pursuing one with anyone. I've been a lot more focused and productive, and actually a lot happier. I think I'm finally learning to have that patience that hopefully means that whatever relationship I end up sharing in the future will be something really spectacular, and not that strange power game.
15 September 2007
Cotton
Last night I ended up playing dress up and going out to dinner with some people. I didn't know many of the people there that well, but it was a fun crowd. I was put to shame in my ECE identity, though, trying to explain how processors work ("Well, there's this thing called a transistor, and you can build logic gates, and...") - it almost, almost made me miss 240 and wish I was a sophomore again. Almost.
Today I got up and tried to do some reading for class. We're reading this book on the Cotton Gin for one of my history classes, and it's really dry (no pun intended). Seriously, though. The author is making a reasonably well grounded argument but she's also trying to make some points that are a bit of a stretch and ignore the real root of some issues...and really, it just makes her book nearly impossible to read. She jumps from talking about 12th century India to 17th century Britain to 16th century China. Meh. At least it means that when we get to write the paper I'll have enough frustration stored up to write something quasi-snarky and intelligent sounding.
Anyway, I was sitting in Starbucks trying to read and ended up chatting for awhile with one of the girls I had class with last semester who was randomly there after her cello lesson. It was cool, and I got to hear about her time abroad in China this past summer...and she's studying in Germany next semester. Some people have all the fun...
Then I headed over to an event on campus where I ended up hearing this old guy who graduated from CMU sometime in the 70's telling a bunch of crazy CMU stories. I also got to hang out with other people I don't see much and catch up on life a bit...a good afternoon, even if I ended up feeling like a bit of a slacker. :-P
Then I came home and wrote two short papers for class, and went to dinner. Then I read some more of that godawful Cotton Gin treatise and got through enough for Monday.
I guess today's actually been remarkably productive, even though it didn't really feel that way, I guess just from being really distracted. I haven't been thinking about anything in particular; it's just been impossible to focus.
Oh and it turns out that using an Ethernet hub with Comcast is a bad idea, because Comcast only allows one IP address per modem...which I guess actually does make a lot of sense, and explains why only one internet connection worked, and is a lot easier to fix and deal with than a shorted socket.
Today I got up and tried to do some reading for class. We're reading this book on the Cotton Gin for one of my history classes, and it's really dry (no pun intended). Seriously, though. The author is making a reasonably well grounded argument but she's also trying to make some points that are a bit of a stretch and ignore the real root of some issues...and really, it just makes her book nearly impossible to read. She jumps from talking about 12th century India to 17th century Britain to 16th century China. Meh. At least it means that when we get to write the paper I'll have enough frustration stored up to write something quasi-snarky and intelligent sounding.
Anyway, I was sitting in Starbucks trying to read and ended up chatting for awhile with one of the girls I had class with last semester who was randomly there after her cello lesson. It was cool, and I got to hear about her time abroad in China this past summer...and she's studying in Germany next semester. Some people have all the fun...
Then I headed over to an event on campus where I ended up hearing this old guy who graduated from CMU sometime in the 70's telling a bunch of crazy CMU stories. I also got to hang out with other people I don't see much and catch up on life a bit...a good afternoon, even if I ended up feeling like a bit of a slacker. :-P
Then I came home and wrote two short papers for class, and went to dinner. Then I read some more of that godawful Cotton Gin treatise and got through enough for Monday.
I guess today's actually been remarkably productive, even though it didn't really feel that way, I guess just from being really distracted. I haven't been thinking about anything in particular; it's just been impossible to focus.
Oh and it turns out that using an Ethernet hub with Comcast is a bad idea, because Comcast only allows one IP address per modem...which I guess actually does make a lot of sense, and explains why only one internet connection worked, and is a lot easier to fix and deal with than a shorted socket.
14 September 2007
Money Ain't Grow on Trees
So, I heard back about the car I scratched in the parking deck a month ago. It's going to cost...substantially more...to repair it than I'd thought (convinced myself?) it would.
This is one of those times where I just sit back and ask myself what the heck I was thinking. :-P I didn't mean to do it, sure, but nobody ever does. I can be more careful in the future but that doesn't change the momentary wallet burn...thankfully I have enough to cover it, so I don't have to worry about anything like that, but...sigh.
Anyway. Life is pretty good in spite of that. Last night for class I went to see this "Gardens and Glass" exhibit at the conservatory, and it was AMAZING. We went as the sun was setting, so we got to see some of the sculptures lit up. The whole place felt like some sort of beautiful fantasy world. I ended up leaving earlier than I wanted to because I walked towards the exit without realizing it, and the aisle was one-way so then I HAD to leave...regardless, it made for a great evening. (Oh yeah, beer + Southpark afterward was fun, too. Yesterday was just a good day all around. :-D)
This is one of those times where I just sit back and ask myself what the heck I was thinking. :-P I didn't mean to do it, sure, but nobody ever does. I can be more careful in the future but that doesn't change the momentary wallet burn...thankfully I have enough to cover it, so I don't have to worry about anything like that, but...sigh.
Anyway. Life is pretty good in spite of that. Last night for class I went to see this "Gardens and Glass" exhibit at the conservatory, and it was AMAZING. We went as the sun was setting, so we got to see some of the sculptures lit up. The whole place felt like some sort of beautiful fantasy world. I ended up leaving earlier than I wanted to because I walked towards the exit without realizing it, and the aisle was one-way so then I HAD to leave...regardless, it made for a great evening. (Oh yeah, beer + Southpark afterward was fun, too. Yesterday was just a good day all around. :-D)
11 September 2007
Positive
So, today makes 6 years.
While I was walking into the lab this morning, it occurred to me that from now on, for the rest of my life I'm going to remember at least two particularly bloody anniversaries: 9/11 and 4/16.
Seven years ago, when I started high school, I don't think there was even the most remote possibility in my mind that I'd EVER have even one such day to stick in my memory. That sort of thing just doesn't happen in the United States, right?
I remember reacting to 9/11 with a big-hearted determination to help the world straighten itself out. I still have that, although the intervening 6 years have given me a lot more perspective about the scope of the problems - cultural attitudes, and the human condition. I don't think I'm any less determined, though. Right now I'm excited about the prospect of a life ahead of me - by this time next year, I'll be out in the Real World shaping my own life and future, and hopefully contributing to something Good.
I read some articles today about how some people are using the anniversary of 9/11 as a "Do Good Deeds" day, and I think that's nothing but a good idea. I don't think that there's any value to wallowing in tragedy, but I do think that it's important for everyone to maintain the spirit of giving and of interacting on a truly human level, that seems to come most easily out of tragedy.
I hope there aren't any more days like 9/11 in my future, but no matter what, it's good to know that there are so many good people in my life, and so many good directions that my life is headed right now.
Also, today itself has just been a Good Day. I spent awhile in the lab, and I think I made some progress...not really in terms of getting anything productive done, but I played around with some of the Verilog modules and some of the hardware on the board. Thursday I'm going to start writing software, and it should be fun. I mean that. :-)
Not just that, but after a few days of that quasi-grey state that Pittsburgh is so famous for, this afternoon I stepped outside into a nearly perfect almost-fall day. The sky is this brilliant blue, and there's just barely a chill in the air.
I spent all weekend doing nothing but HOMEWORK, and the past few days doing nothing but CLASS and HOMEWORK and WORK - I'm ready for a break. I've got one paper left to finish tonight after a meeting, and then tomorrow I'm so finding something fun to do after class. I kind of wish clubs weren't so sketchy because I really, really, want to get lost in some loud music and just dance but I felt kind of uncomfortable the last time we went out. Meh. I'll find something. Definitely.
While I was walking into the lab this morning, it occurred to me that from now on, for the rest of my life I'm going to remember at least two particularly bloody anniversaries: 9/11 and 4/16.
Seven years ago, when I started high school, I don't think there was even the most remote possibility in my mind that I'd EVER have even one such day to stick in my memory. That sort of thing just doesn't happen in the United States, right?
I remember reacting to 9/11 with a big-hearted determination to help the world straighten itself out. I still have that, although the intervening 6 years have given me a lot more perspective about the scope of the problems - cultural attitudes, and the human condition. I don't think I'm any less determined, though. Right now I'm excited about the prospect of a life ahead of me - by this time next year, I'll be out in the Real World shaping my own life and future, and hopefully contributing to something Good.
I read some articles today about how some people are using the anniversary of 9/11 as a "Do Good Deeds" day, and I think that's nothing but a good idea. I don't think that there's any value to wallowing in tragedy, but I do think that it's important for everyone to maintain the spirit of giving and of interacting on a truly human level, that seems to come most easily out of tragedy.
I hope there aren't any more days like 9/11 in my future, but no matter what, it's good to know that there are so many good people in my life, and so many good directions that my life is headed right now.
Also, today itself has just been a Good Day. I spent awhile in the lab, and I think I made some progress...not really in terms of getting anything productive done, but I played around with some of the Verilog modules and some of the hardware on the board. Thursday I'm going to start writing software, and it should be fun. I mean that. :-)
Not just that, but after a few days of that quasi-grey state that Pittsburgh is so famous for, this afternoon I stepped outside into a nearly perfect almost-fall day. The sky is this brilliant blue, and there's just barely a chill in the air.
I spent all weekend doing nothing but HOMEWORK, and the past few days doing nothing but CLASS and HOMEWORK and WORK - I'm ready for a break. I've got one paper left to finish tonight after a meeting, and then tomorrow I'm so finding something fun to do after class. I kind of wish clubs weren't so sketchy because I really, really, want to get lost in some loud music and just dance but I felt kind of uncomfortable the last time we went out. Meh. I'll find something. Definitely.
08 September 2007
Uncomfortable
So, let's just throw this scenario out there. Lets say you do something to make a girl pretty uncomfortable, and that possibly it involves things like spending the better part of a semester following her around, staring at her while she tries to do homework, trying to grab/hug/squeeze her when she's clearly saying "no" and moving you off of her, and for some godforsaken reason even grabbing her chest after she's been trying to move your arms OFF of her and your hand "slips" by mistake.
Let's say she finally gets fed up with it and tells you not to talk to her anymore?
That also includes not sneaking up on her in public and trying to make physical contact again. That's just creepy. Moreover, it shows that you don't actually have a whole lot of self awareness, or awareness of other people. (Most people also tend to understand that "Hey, staring is really annoying and makes people feel really self conscious", for example.)
Just because you seem to have some internal hangup that says that whatever YOU want and are feeling is automatically what SHE wants and is feeling, and you can't possibly imagine a world in which you actually do make her uncomfortable, if she finally does TELL you that it's the case, you should seriously believe it and leave her alone. Trust me. If someone says "get out of my life" the ball is then in THEIR court to make contact again. It's hard to accept, sure, and most people have a hard time doing that but trust me when I say it makes it much worse to keep persisting.
I wish I could just undo all of last semester. I mean that. I wish I wouldn't have been so naive and let myself get vulnerable enough to keep putting up with behavior that would have ordinarily made any girl put her foot down, hard (possibly on some testicles), and never look back. Be that as it may, it didn't take too long for me to get around to putting my own foot down, and by now it's been there for months. And, guess what - I'm not looking back. Towards either of you. I'm sorry that my IMs, texts, and emails weren't enough for you to really internalize what I'm saying, but I'm serious. Enough is enough.
Let's say she finally gets fed up with it and tells you not to talk to her anymore?
That also includes not sneaking up on her in public and trying to make physical contact again. That's just creepy. Moreover, it shows that you don't actually have a whole lot of self awareness, or awareness of other people. (Most people also tend to understand that "Hey, staring is really annoying and makes people feel really self conscious", for example.)
Just because you seem to have some internal hangup that says that whatever YOU want and are feeling is automatically what SHE wants and is feeling, and you can't possibly imagine a world in which you actually do make her uncomfortable, if she finally does TELL you that it's the case, you should seriously believe it and leave her alone. Trust me. If someone says "get out of my life" the ball is then in THEIR court to make contact again. It's hard to accept, sure, and most people have a hard time doing that but trust me when I say it makes it much worse to keep persisting.
I wish I could just undo all of last semester. I mean that. I wish I wouldn't have been so naive and let myself get vulnerable enough to keep putting up with behavior that would have ordinarily made any girl put her foot down, hard (possibly on some testicles), and never look back. Be that as it may, it didn't take too long for me to get around to putting my own foot down, and by now it's been there for months. And, guess what - I'm not looking back. Towards either of you. I'm sorry that my IMs, texts, and emails weren't enough for you to really internalize what I'm saying, but I'm serious. Enough is enough.
06 September 2007
Grindstone
So, it's been a pretty good week. I still like my classes, and my international relations one is turning out to be really fascinating.
I spent most of the day today in the lab for the research group I'm a part of now. I'm still way out of my depth, and hoping I get up to speed on things soon. We had a meeting today and I felt a bit off talking in front of everyone, but nobody seemed to think that I'd said anything horribly idiotic or anything, so that was good. It looks like I'm going to probably spend most of Tuesdays and Thursdays (and Friday afternoons?) working on the project.
Which means...evenings and weekend for getting stuff done for my other classes. I have two papers due next week and a quiz, which hopefully won't be too awful. I'm going to have to spend most of this weekend reading, though, since I've been lazy (oh and social) up until now and really put off some stuff that I could have cut through over the long weekend. The stress is nowhere near where it was, say, sophomore year though so I'm still pretty happy.
Actually, I'm really happy. I found out a few days ago that I was selected for an award they give out at the department level for being a stellar student and leader. I was really flattered, and kind of taken back...given how often I've talked about wondering if I really belong at CMU it was cool to see that over the past few years I actually have come out of my shell quite a bit, and seemingly made a difference to people around me. Oh, and done relatively well in class. So, yay for me.
Anyway, yeah. I guess this is the part of the semester where I fall back into the "nose to the grindstone" routine. I'm actually looking forward to being back in the "thinking hard, working hard" mode...if it's my last time, it might as well be the best one.
I spent most of the day today in the lab for the research group I'm a part of now. I'm still way out of my depth, and hoping I get up to speed on things soon. We had a meeting today and I felt a bit off talking in front of everyone, but nobody seemed to think that I'd said anything horribly idiotic or anything, so that was good. It looks like I'm going to probably spend most of Tuesdays and Thursdays (and Friday afternoons?) working on the project.
Which means...evenings and weekend for getting stuff done for my other classes. I have two papers due next week and a quiz, which hopefully won't be too awful. I'm going to have to spend most of this weekend reading, though, since I've been lazy (oh and social) up until now and really put off some stuff that I could have cut through over the long weekend. The stress is nowhere near where it was, say, sophomore year though so I'm still pretty happy.
Actually, I'm really happy. I found out a few days ago that I was selected for an award they give out at the department level for being a stellar student and leader. I was really flattered, and kind of taken back...given how often I've talked about wondering if I really belong at CMU it was cool to see that over the past few years I actually have come out of my shell quite a bit, and seemingly made a difference to people around me. Oh, and done relatively well in class. So, yay for me.
Anyway, yeah. I guess this is the part of the semester where I fall back into the "nose to the grindstone" routine. I'm actually looking forward to being back in the "thinking hard, working hard" mode...if it's my last time, it might as well be the best one.
02 September 2007
"Loving Kindness"
Yesterday one of my friends loaned me a book titled "Love Walked In" to read. Not having much else to do (besides reading about the role of Cod in the development of American Culture, or about Tchaikovsky's personality, or about SDR, or finishing Cryptonomicon from the summer), I dove in.
It's a great book; better than I expected (even given Katie's rave reviews.)
My favorite quote so far is the following:
"What she came to was that even if someone wasn't perfect or even especially good, you couldn't dismiss the love they felt. Love was always love; it had a rightness all its own, even if the person feeling the love was full of wrongness. Cornelia had said that her father had ignored a child's cries for help. Even a man who would do this could be in love, with a love that mattered. Sitting upright in her living room, in a hundred-year-old chair, Clare trembled in the face of this truth she'd discovered all on her own, and she felt ancient and part of life."
I like the paragraph because it strikes at something that's really challenged me a lot - basically, validating everyone's humanity in the face of very human imperfections. In a lot of cases, it's easy to reduce situations to a question of what another person* "deserves" even though life isn't really about what we deserve, most of the time. A Protestant friend of mine talks about the idea of "total depravity" in which people are called to recognize that humanity is (get ready) - totally morally depraved, and it's only through the grace of God that we become saved.
Stay with me here. I used to really grate against this philosophy because it seemed to be not much more than an excuse for whatever behavior a person wanted to engage in - if we all have the same degree of "badness" and God saved me, then why do I need to try to be good? I realized that I was missing the point, though (I think...correct me if I'm wrong here) and that the philosophy is more the idea that in the face of this imperfection, there is some basis for universal human respect. Some would argue that this basis derives from God (or specifically the death/resurrection of Christ as a sacrifice for the good of humanity), but that's not entirely the point here...
I've been listening to a lot of Buddhist lectures recently, and they talk about the idea of cultivating "loving kindness" for everyone. Again, this is supposed to be the result of airgapping ego and situation, resulting in this sort of compassion that genuinely wants nothing more than for others to be happy just because they exist with an existence just as valid as our own. I think it's true that, regardless of how many awful things a person does, we only want to see them suffer as a result of our own (self-centered) emotional investment in a situation and not as a result of their inherent bad-ness. I'm not saying that it's unreasonable to have emotions, or that I'm anywhere close to letting go of mine...just that it's a comforting philosophy that seems to put ease and insight - and most importantly, ownership - into a lot of situations that might otherwise seem overwhelming.
At Mass tonight the homily was about humility. It's the same thing I've been talking about here...the idea is, again, that by putting ego on the back burner, we actually find ourselves in a much more joyful and loving - and free - position than we'd otherwise be. So many times people equate the Christian idea of "humility" with weakness and subservience, and self-loathing, but that's not supposed to be the case at all. I would argue that it actually takes a lot more confidence and self-acceptance to be humble than to be otherwise and that it's only this humility which lets us understand what the character above was referring to. I'm reminded of "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis here; he expressed what I'm trying to say much more eloquently.
Note that I'm also not arguing for continuing to stay in hurtful or abusive situations here. It's definitely a good thing to try and get away from resentment and hard feelings, and not to leave the past as a live mine buried somewhere. Compassion and partnership are two entirely different situations, though...(this distinction definitely breaks down as one becomes asymptotically close to universal mutual compassion but neither I nor humanity in general are anywhere close to that at this point...)
*Some people also tend to turn this sort of judgment inward, into a "I'm not good enough to ever truly be loved" attitude. I think that this is almost worse than attaching that judgment to others, because I do honestly believe that everyone innately "deserves" and "experiences" love but it's impossible to see that if you're denying it even for yourself. Surprisingly enough, usually dampening this inner critic in favor of some self-acceptance is all it takes to send someone well on his/her way to experiencing that "forbidden love" with another...
It's a great book; better than I expected (even given Katie's rave reviews.)
My favorite quote so far is the following:
"What she came to was that even if someone wasn't perfect or even especially good, you couldn't dismiss the love they felt. Love was always love; it had a rightness all its own, even if the person feeling the love was full of wrongness. Cornelia had said that her father had ignored a child's cries for help. Even a man who would do this could be in love, with a love that mattered. Sitting upright in her living room, in a hundred-year-old chair, Clare trembled in the face of this truth she'd discovered all on her own, and she felt ancient and part of life."
I like the paragraph because it strikes at something that's really challenged me a lot - basically, validating everyone's humanity in the face of very human imperfections. In a lot of cases, it's easy to reduce situations to a question of what another person* "deserves" even though life isn't really about what we deserve, most of the time. A Protestant friend of mine talks about the idea of "total depravity" in which people are called to recognize that humanity is (get ready) - totally morally depraved, and it's only through the grace of God that we become saved.
Stay with me here. I used to really grate against this philosophy because it seemed to be not much more than an excuse for whatever behavior a person wanted to engage in - if we all have the same degree of "badness" and God saved me, then why do I need to try to be good? I realized that I was missing the point, though (I think...correct me if I'm wrong here) and that the philosophy is more the idea that in the face of this imperfection, there is some basis for universal human respect. Some would argue that this basis derives from God (or specifically the death/resurrection of Christ as a sacrifice for the good of humanity), but that's not entirely the point here...
I've been listening to a lot of Buddhist lectures recently, and they talk about the idea of cultivating "loving kindness" for everyone. Again, this is supposed to be the result of airgapping ego and situation, resulting in this sort of compassion that genuinely wants nothing more than for others to be happy just because they exist with an existence just as valid as our own. I think it's true that, regardless of how many awful things a person does, we only want to see them suffer as a result of our own (self-centered) emotional investment in a situation and not as a result of their inherent bad-ness. I'm not saying that it's unreasonable to have emotions, or that I'm anywhere close to letting go of mine...just that it's a comforting philosophy that seems to put ease and insight - and most importantly, ownership - into a lot of situations that might otherwise seem overwhelming.
At Mass tonight the homily was about humility. It's the same thing I've been talking about here...the idea is, again, that by putting ego on the back burner, we actually find ourselves in a much more joyful and loving - and free - position than we'd otherwise be. So many times people equate the Christian idea of "humility" with weakness and subservience, and self-loathing, but that's not supposed to be the case at all. I would argue that it actually takes a lot more confidence and self-acceptance to be humble than to be otherwise and that it's only this humility which lets us understand what the character above was referring to. I'm reminded of "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis here; he expressed what I'm trying to say much more eloquently.
Note that I'm also not arguing for continuing to stay in hurtful or abusive situations here. It's definitely a good thing to try and get away from resentment and hard feelings, and not to leave the past as a live mine buried somewhere. Compassion and partnership are two entirely different situations, though...(this distinction definitely breaks down as one becomes asymptotically close to universal mutual compassion but neither I nor humanity in general are anywhere close to that at this point...)
*Some people also tend to turn this sort of judgment inward, into a "I'm not good enough to ever truly be loved" attitude. I think that this is almost worse than attaching that judgment to others, because I do honestly believe that everyone innately "deserves" and "experiences" love but it's impossible to see that if you're denying it even for yourself. Surprisingly enough, usually dampening this inner critic in favor of some self-acceptance is all it takes to send someone well on his/her way to experiencing that "forbidden love" with another...
01 September 2007
Dharma
You think you're over something and then just talking about it makes you really angry.
Hmmm.
I'm getting there, I guess.
I wish I could be a bit less defensive, but the past few months have done wonders for getting me back to good.
Here's to finding the rest of the way, and soon.
Hmmm.
I'm getting there, I guess.
I wish I could be a bit less defensive, but the past few months have done wonders for getting me back to good.
Here's to finding the rest of the way, and soon.
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