Someone told me once that depression isn't much more than anger directed inward, and that makes sense to me. I think that a lot of times it's easier to shove it inside rather than trying to confront (not confront in a violent manner, but simply face) its source. Carrying around that much emotion, and trying to avoid acknowledging it, is exhausting - and it's exhausting for everyone else, too, as they deal with the irrationality and overreactions of someone who is deeply depressed.
I made a couple promises to myself after commencement.
1: Not to respond to (people, ideas, things) that bring up negative emotions (chiefly insecurity or resentment) in me by seeking to demean or limit them. I've seen too many examples of the damage caused by feeding such insecurities. One of the biggest lessons I learned in college - from both sides of resentment - is that when there's nothing to actually resent, life is a lot much pleasanter without feeding that resentment - and when there is something truly awful going on, the situation usually destroys itself without anyone's help. There were people and situations that I could have really helped, if they'd stopped being threatened by me and let me help - and there were people that could have helped me, too. Fostering insecurities is always "easier", but it never makes anyone happier - I see this every day at home, and it makes me really sad.
1 (Corollary): Never deny my feelings to myself. Acknowledgment is the first step towards confrontation and understanding. Even though (actually, because) there will always be things that are deeply distasteful, admitting that those feelings are there enables a much more thoughtful, controlled, and rational response. If nothing else, that's something to be proud of, and a positive to seek in challenging situations.
2: To live a balanced life. CMU forced me to learn that not only is success not guaranteed simply by spending a lot of time on an endeavor, but that success isn't even a function of that time! I'm not saying that success doesn't take an enormous amount of time and energy, but I am saying that to put all of one's time and energy into a given task (a job, for example) is almost certainly counterproductive. Consider that if you're spending all of your waking hours at a job, you're not giving yourself time to do things that might spark a creative solution to a challenging problem, or the mental distance to remove yourself from an emotionally charged situation enough to make the right decision, rather than the decision that immediately satisfies your knee-jerk reaction. Stepping away from work feels like an impossible task at times, but having the ability to do so is extremely valuable as well as necessary for mental health.
3: To always truly be there for others. I'm really grateful for many of the close friendships I made at CMU, and many of them showed me what true friendship really means. It's so easy to say "call me if you need anything" - it's much harder to say "I'm coming over right now, let me help you" to someone who clearly needs something (and I'm not talking about just situations where there is a lot of upheaval or turmoil - I'm talking about anything).
That's it. All of them are pretty straightforward (and possibly trite) but over the past few years I learned what it actually means to practice them - how challenging it can be, but most importantly, how rewarding.
22 May 2008
21 May 2008
Beginning
Commencement was a pretty strange event. I realized how much emotion - stress, frustration, etc. I'd been bottling up over the past couple of years, and after the ceremony (which was really nice), I just felt raw. Don't get me wrong - being done was and is an amazing feeling - but I realized how much pure emotion I'd been sitting on. Sunday night when I was trying to fall asleep I felt as though I were going through a breakup - it just felt like there were things unresolved, things happening too quickly, things I wanted to revisit, and things I couldn't wait to leave behind. Monday was a bit better, and by yesterday I was feeling pretty normal again.
Quite a few times over the past few years I've talked about not feeling engaged, about just feeling like I'm drifting along. Driving a lot of this was a really deep feeling of distraction - like I couldn't focus on anything because at some level, something fundamental was begging for my attention, and I wasn't comfortable doing something else until whatever that was got its attention. I'm pretty sure that that "thing" was only fear.
On a related note, my favorite part of Commencement was the very end - the charge given to graduates. We were honored to have Randy Pausch speak to us briefly about the utter importance of living life with passion. He commented about how - 9 months ago - he was told that he had 3-6 months to live, and someone made a comment to him about how he was really "beating the reaper." His response was that really, the only way anyone "beats the reaper" is by living well - living with passion, and focus. His words really hit home with me, as I think they did for all of us.
Living passionately can be scary in some ways, given the amount of openness and risk-taking, and brute honesty it involves. I would argue though that the fright associated with that is a positive thing - it lends credence to our effort, it reassures us that we have identified what really matters to us. That kind of fear seems different than the fear that distracts us, but I would argue that it's really probably not, though maybe it's directed differently. Letting go of that distraction is really important, and I realized that there's absolutely a way to avoid causing it in the first place - nothing more than staying true to one's self. That spirit of staying true is a lot more than surrounding one's self with things that make one happy or pursuing what seem like worthy causes - it's about values and ideals.
I'm really excited about the future - and I'm sad to leave the past behind. College enabled me to learn a lot that I never would have dreamed of discovering on my own, and I'll miss that environment quite a bit. At the same time, I'm feeling like I'm ready to take on something new, and see what more I can learn. (Also, I got accepted into a part-time Master's program, so I still have lots more school. Yay!)
Quite a few times over the past few years I've talked about not feeling engaged, about just feeling like I'm drifting along. Driving a lot of this was a really deep feeling of distraction - like I couldn't focus on anything because at some level, something fundamental was begging for my attention, and I wasn't comfortable doing something else until whatever that was got its attention. I'm pretty sure that that "thing" was only fear.
On a related note, my favorite part of Commencement was the very end - the charge given to graduates. We were honored to have Randy Pausch speak to us briefly about the utter importance of living life with passion. He commented about how - 9 months ago - he was told that he had 3-6 months to live, and someone made a comment to him about how he was really "beating the reaper." His response was that really, the only way anyone "beats the reaper" is by living well - living with passion, and focus. His words really hit home with me, as I think they did for all of us.
Living passionately can be scary in some ways, given the amount of openness and risk-taking, and brute honesty it involves. I would argue though that the fright associated with that is a positive thing - it lends credence to our effort, it reassures us that we have identified what really matters to us. That kind of fear seems different than the fear that distracts us, but I would argue that it's really probably not, though maybe it's directed differently. Letting go of that distraction is really important, and I realized that there's absolutely a way to avoid causing it in the first place - nothing more than staying true to one's self. That spirit of staying true is a lot more than surrounding one's self with things that make one happy or pursuing what seem like worthy causes - it's about values and ideals.
I'm really excited about the future - and I'm sad to leave the past behind. College enabled me to learn a lot that I never would have dreamed of discovering on my own, and I'll miss that environment quite a bit. At the same time, I'm feeling like I'm ready to take on something new, and see what more I can learn. (Also, I got accepted into a part-time Master's program, so I still have lots more school. Yay!)
20 May 2008
A Prayer for Owen Meany
I started reading the novel during Thanksgiving break, and I was pretty neutral to it for awhile, but I picked it back up yesterday to finish it and now I'm really appreciating it. Maybe the plot is actually getting more complex and interesting; maybe I'm just taking the time to really pay attention to it now.
Part of the book takes place in the 1950's-1960's, and there's an amazing quote as the characters react to Marilyn Monroe's death:
"SHE WAS JUST LIKE OUR WHOLE COUNTRY...AND THOSE MEN - THOSE FAMOUS, POWERFUL, MEN - DID THEY REALLY LOVE HER? DID THEY TAKE CARE OF HER? IF SHE WAS EVER WITH THE KENNEDYS, THEY COULDN'T HAVE LOVED HER - THEY WERE JUST USING HER, THEY WERE JUST BEING CARELESS AND TREATING THEMSELVES TO A THRILL. THAT'S WHAT POWERFUL MEN DO TO THIS COUNTRY - IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, BREATHLESS COUNTRY, AND MEN USE IT TO TREAT THEMSELVES TO A THRILL! THEY SAY THEY LOVE IT BUT THEY DON'T MEAN IT..."
The closer election season gets, the more depressed I become. Can't anyone show me a candidate that has well-defined and substantive goals for the good of our nation? I'll never get over the irony of the fact that EVERYONE seems to want that, but somehow we never quite attain it.
In other news, graduation happened. I'm still processing it.
Part of the book takes place in the 1950's-1960's, and there's an amazing quote as the characters react to Marilyn Monroe's death:
"SHE WAS JUST LIKE OUR WHOLE COUNTRY...AND THOSE MEN - THOSE FAMOUS, POWERFUL, MEN - DID THEY REALLY LOVE HER? DID THEY TAKE CARE OF HER? IF SHE WAS EVER WITH THE KENNEDYS, THEY COULDN'T HAVE LOVED HER - THEY WERE JUST USING HER, THEY WERE JUST BEING CARELESS AND TREATING THEMSELVES TO A THRILL. THAT'S WHAT POWERFUL MEN DO TO THIS COUNTRY - IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, BREATHLESS COUNTRY, AND MEN USE IT TO TREAT THEMSELVES TO A THRILL! THEY SAY THEY LOVE IT BUT THEY DON'T MEAN IT..."
The closer election season gets, the more depressed I become. Can't anyone show me a candidate that has well-defined and substantive goals for the good of our nation? I'll never get over the irony of the fact that EVERYONE seems to want that, but somehow we never quite attain it.
In other news, graduation happened. I'm still processing it.
11 May 2008
Magdalena
Tomorrow is my last final exam as an undergraduate. It's been pretty hard to stay focused studying - it's a history class, and there are a lot of names, ideas, terms, concepts, I should be going back over and re-memorizing, but I think I can honestly say that I'm just burned out. I'm working on it, though. I really want to get an A in this class, and I'm perfectly capable of getting there if I can just stay with it long enough.
Last week felt pretty strange. As the end of classes approached, I started to feel pretty overwhelmed by everything I was working on and involved in - it seemed like I was stretched so thin that I wasn't doing a fantastic job on anything. I faced some of the consequences of that on Wednesday, when I was giving my honors research presentation at the university symposium. The presentation itself actually went pretty well, and I had a handful of interested people stop by and chat about the project, and they seemed pretty impressed. I found a bunch of small errors on my poster, though. I also wasn't really satisfied with the layout - I put it together when I was tired and not thinking clearly, and I'm pretty sure it showed - it just wasn't as concise or explanatory, or as organized, as I'd have liked.
Thursday was the final exam for OS. I'm pretty sure that I did relatively well. I'm really bugged by the fact that there was one problem that I couldn't quite figure out in time - and then the answer came to me while I was laying in bed the next morning. If I'd only relaxed a bit more during the test, I would have gotten it. The exam overall went a lot better than the midterm, and I didn't freak out about it nearly as much, which was a good thing. I just still had that nagging "I didn't quite give it my all" feeling as I walked out, which was disappointing, since OS was a class that I really wanted to give my all to.
Friday I just decompressed. It was a strange day. I spent most of the day feeling dazed, confused, lost, and upset. I couldn't explain what I was upset about, or why I was feeling so helpless, and honestly it was kind of scary. Granted I also hadn't eaten much in the past 24 hours, which always makes things seem kind of fuzzy. Still, though. I didn't feel like myself at all until the evening, after I'd spent most of the day crying. (!) I feel like it's worth mentioning here just to see if anyone else has gone through the same sort of thing - it (kind of) makes sense that it happened, since I know I was bottling up a lot of stress and anxiety during the semester, and I'm also in the middle of a pretty big transition from student to inhabitant-of-the-real-world...it was scary, though.
One thing that makes me somewhat uncomfortable is that I feel like I'm leaving CMU with a handful of regrets. I've certainly learned a lot and gotten a good experience - but there are a lot of things I wish I would have done differently, and I think I'm having some trouble just accepting that it's impossible to know all of the right answers going into any situation, and that life goes on regardless.
Most of my regrets center around not taking more engineering classes, and around not being more proactive about finding a group of peers to take classes with. I feel like I spent so much energy worrying about how I was doing that I missed a lot of chances to put that energy into actual learning and accomplishment. I also avoided some classes that would have been really valuable because I convinced myself that I just wouldn't be able to handle them. As someone who used not to be so academically intimidated and is (was?) pretty skilled at giving a wholehearted effort, feeling like it was utterly within my reach to take a completely different path, if only my perspective had been a bit different, just doesn't sit well with me. I feel like I let myself down in some big ways, and I'm really only understanding that when it's time to leave.
From the sound of this, it's probably coming across as though I failed classes, acted irresponsibly, etc - none of which is true. I've done well from a "numbers" perspective, and that's what makes this all the more frustrating - there's nothing measurable that I messed up, I just didn't really satisfy myself - and ultimately that's the only judge that matters. I really need to let go of all of this, though, because I'm not going to be able to move on - and make myself proud - unless I can respect myself now.
So, I'm not quite done yet. I'm going to study a bit more, take a final, and then take a few deep breaths and appreciate all that I've experienced in college. It's been an intense four years, and I've changed a lot during them. It's definitely time for something new, even though there's a lot I *will* miss about being here.
Last week felt pretty strange. As the end of classes approached, I started to feel pretty overwhelmed by everything I was working on and involved in - it seemed like I was stretched so thin that I wasn't doing a fantastic job on anything. I faced some of the consequences of that on Wednesday, when I was giving my honors research presentation at the university symposium. The presentation itself actually went pretty well, and I had a handful of interested people stop by and chat about the project, and they seemed pretty impressed. I found a bunch of small errors on my poster, though. I also wasn't really satisfied with the layout - I put it together when I was tired and not thinking clearly, and I'm pretty sure it showed - it just wasn't as concise or explanatory, or as organized, as I'd have liked.
Thursday was the final exam for OS. I'm pretty sure that I did relatively well. I'm really bugged by the fact that there was one problem that I couldn't quite figure out in time - and then the answer came to me while I was laying in bed the next morning. If I'd only relaxed a bit more during the test, I would have gotten it. The exam overall went a lot better than the midterm, and I didn't freak out about it nearly as much, which was a good thing. I just still had that nagging "I didn't quite give it my all" feeling as I walked out, which was disappointing, since OS was a class that I really wanted to give my all to.
Friday I just decompressed. It was a strange day. I spent most of the day feeling dazed, confused, lost, and upset. I couldn't explain what I was upset about, or why I was feeling so helpless, and honestly it was kind of scary. Granted I also hadn't eaten much in the past 24 hours, which always makes things seem kind of fuzzy. Still, though. I didn't feel like myself at all until the evening, after I'd spent most of the day crying. (!) I feel like it's worth mentioning here just to see if anyone else has gone through the same sort of thing - it (kind of) makes sense that it happened, since I know I was bottling up a lot of stress and anxiety during the semester, and I'm also in the middle of a pretty big transition from student to inhabitant-of-the-real-world...it was scary, though.
One thing that makes me somewhat uncomfortable is that I feel like I'm leaving CMU with a handful of regrets. I've certainly learned a lot and gotten a good experience - but there are a lot of things I wish I would have done differently, and I think I'm having some trouble just accepting that it's impossible to know all of the right answers going into any situation, and that life goes on regardless.
Most of my regrets center around not taking more engineering classes, and around not being more proactive about finding a group of peers to take classes with. I feel like I spent so much energy worrying about how I was doing that I missed a lot of chances to put that energy into actual learning and accomplishment. I also avoided some classes that would have been really valuable because I convinced myself that I just wouldn't be able to handle them. As someone who used not to be so academically intimidated and is (was?) pretty skilled at giving a wholehearted effort, feeling like it was utterly within my reach to take a completely different path, if only my perspective had been a bit different, just doesn't sit well with me. I feel like I let myself down in some big ways, and I'm really only understanding that when it's time to leave.
From the sound of this, it's probably coming across as though I failed classes, acted irresponsibly, etc - none of which is true. I've done well from a "numbers" perspective, and that's what makes this all the more frustrating - there's nothing measurable that I messed up, I just didn't really satisfy myself - and ultimately that's the only judge that matters. I really need to let go of all of this, though, because I'm not going to be able to move on - and make myself proud - unless I can respect myself now.
So, I'm not quite done yet. I'm going to study a bit more, take a final, and then take a few deep breaths and appreciate all that I've experienced in college. It's been an intense four years, and I've changed a lot during them. It's definitely time for something new, even though there's a lot I *will* miss about being here.
01 May 2008
T-36 Hours (Whine)
I still don't really feel like this is the last week of classes. This whole week has been one big blur of work, stress, meetings, and work. Taking OS was such an abysmal idea in some ways - the spending time with friends and having time to do my other work well ways - and in some ways it was a really useful experience. Regardless of the fact that I kept up with my other classes all semester and met the deadlines, they all also had a substantial amount of work due this week, including OS, and I'm still not through it all. I still have two OS assignments left to do, in addition to the project we turned in last night that ate up most of my time this week. Thankfully the other pieces are just a book report and a written homework assignment. One of my professors lost one of my papers I turned in earlier in the semester (we had to have done 7 of them, and he only has records of my doing 6), so I have to write another one here shortly. I have a term paper due, and a collection of other papers for another class. I haven't been keeping up with my research as much as I absolutely should have, but I still managed to get a fair amount done, and finished making the poster for my presentation next week. I've been so busy that this week feels like just another week of my undergraduate career - I feel like it's going to end so abruptly that I'm going to be really thrown off. Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know - maybe it's not productive to have a bunch of time to dwell on the fact that things are about to change, in a big way.
Going into this semester, I didn't really see the use of taking an "easy semester" - I wanted to be able to say that I made the most of every semester I had here. I'm not willing to say that I regret taking OS, but I do have a much better perspective about how taking a lighter course load can be a really good idea in one's last semester.
I feel like I've been having nightmares a lot recently, and it's getting kind of old. The one last night was disturbing enough that I don't really feel comfortable writing it down. The good news about having bad dreams is that at least I'm getting sleep, even if it doesn't feel like nearly enough.
Going into this semester, I didn't really see the use of taking an "easy semester" - I wanted to be able to say that I made the most of every semester I had here. I'm not willing to say that I regret taking OS, but I do have a much better perspective about how taking a lighter course load can be a really good idea in one's last semester.
I feel like I've been having nightmares a lot recently, and it's getting kind of old. The one last night was disturbing enough that I don't really feel comfortable writing it down. The good news about having bad dreams is that at least I'm getting sleep, even if it doesn't feel like nearly enough.
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