Love

It really bothers me sometimes to see parents that seem to have kids entirely for the sake of glorifying themselves - they want to become the center of someone's universe, so they have sex, incubate, and then pop out a tiny little helpless bundle of nerves and energy. The child becomes "theirs" - a way for them to redeem the mistakes of their past, a way for them to "fix" things that went wrong with their own childhood, and a way for them to assure themselves that they have value in this world. It seems to become so much a part of them that they forget that the child is a person, independent and free.

Based on my own family experiences, I wouldn't have seen having kids as an egotistical thing. I saw having kids as a way of establishing a cohesive family unit, and as of, honestly, just perpetuating the species - bringing people into the world and hopefully equipping them to lead the best lives they can, so that they can carry on the world the best they can. I felt like my family experiences growing up were, on the whole, pretty good. Having a family seemed great - we had so many good times together. However, I never felt as though my parents wanted me in the world in order for them to feel good about themselves. Certainly they LOVE me, and care deeply for me, and would be utterly distraught if anything happened to me - that's not what I'm getting at - more just that they seemed pretty comfortable in their own skin, independent of my existence, and that was fine. My point is that I never felt as though they needed me in order to define themselves, and that I wasn't held close just so that they could bask in the glory of being creators, and of being needed. I was given the space to be my own person. They provided for me, guided me, cared for me, raised me the best way that made sense to them, and then let me go. They are still there for me, which is good.

Anyway, the last time I was looking at scripture, I was reminded of the ideal of God - a loving parent, who wants us to love Him, (and who maybe did make us for egotistical reasons) but who won't intercede in our lives on a daily basis for the same reason that some parents step back a bit and let their kids have the reigns a bit more and make their own decisions - or at least not try to protect them from every last thing, or to be so wrapped up in glorifying themselves through their kids that they lose sight of what it actually means to raise an independent person. In the end, it's better for the kids - they learn more, and more importantly they experience more and grow more fully into themselves. The love is always there, though, and THAT is the important part - the comfort, the trust, the ability to reach out a hand whenever needed. I guess that's my answer for why "God lets" bad things happen to good people - he may have made us in His own image, but I think the point is that we're given a *life* with everything that that encompasses, all of the opportunities that come from challenge, and all of the experiences that truly shape us. Even if He *wants* us desperately to love Him, there seems to be a kind of selfless "letting go" (free will).

And for what it's worth, I really *like* the idea of God that I presented here. (I wouldn't argue for it otherwise, I guess).

In other news, I am massively stressed out.

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When I was in college, I'd write on here all the time - it would be my way to kill time between classes, or procrastinate before/while doing homework.

I feel like I have so much more to SAY now, big grown-up thoughts, but I'm too busy living my big grown-up life to write any of it down.

I'm about to head into the "red zone" of craziness over the next few weeks.

Not sure when things will settle down again. Though, class ends in early May (for better or worse, to be completely dramatic about it) so that will help a lot. This course (digital satellite communications) has been completely fascinating, but also eaten most of my time. If I'd done a better job remembering non-linear circuits / transfer functions from undergrad that would have made it moderately easier...but now we're into antenna gain patterns and all kinds of stuff I haven't seen before...apparently I've seen the math before, though.

I went to a technical conference earlier this week, and had a revelation: maybe I *do* want to be an engineer for the rest of my life. Unclear. I'm still taking the summer off from class, to give myself time to think and figure things out...but...I was really inspired, and excited, by a lot of what I saw.