I learned a few valuable lessons these past few weeks. I also learned about how much I really can trust myself to, when it matters, stand up for the few values that do matter tremendously to me - even if it means losing something or someone I care about as a result.
Values are tricky. They get into an arena of good people and bad people. It's uncomfortable for me to think of them that way, because it would imply that people whose values I don't agree with are "bad people" which I don't necessarily believe to be true. I feel like maybe what we call "values" are really just anchor points for how we define ourselves and our lives. Too big of a conflict in "values" can result in too much of a denial of the validity of our own reference point. (Think of a pole-zero plot for Fourier Analysis.)
I've heard so many stories of divorce that all begin, "I knew we were really different when we got married, but I assumed that we'd both be able to grow from our differences...three years later I realized that I was miserable and felt like my perspective wasn't validated." I didn't want myself to be one of those stories, especially given that I already had some serious reservations regarding conflicts of values. So, I bailed - not in the spirit of hurtfulness, but in the spirit of showing myself that I care about my own reference points and their ability to filter my life as appropriate.
Does it make me a quitter? Sure. Does it make me regret that someone is hurting tremendously because I hit my threshold when they hadn't quite reached theirs; because they felt like we still could learn and grow from each other? You bet.
But - am I convinced that we can each find new relationships that work for us in ways we never dreamed, by being able to align our pole-zero plots more closely with someone else's? Absolutely. And I guess that's my only point - there are so many areas of life in which growth is important, and I do think that it's a bad idea to choose a mate that is EXACTLY like one's own self - but as with anything, moderation is so, so, important. I've identified my own region of stability, and know the bounds that I want to stay within, in the future.
Whenever that may be. With whomever that may be. It's a risk - the unknown is always scary. But, it was profound for me to realize that no matter what, I can always have myself, as long as I prove to myself that I can count on me. Someone else's love can't complete us - only we can do that - and as long as we are complete, someone else's love can help us create something that is larger than both of us already are.
That's all, though. I'll never have less than myself. And I like me quite a bit.
