Things changed today. I put the kids in the car for a day of wandering, and realized that the way I used to wander won't work for me (for us) anymore. I spent the past few years not caring where wandering took us; I could literally spend the whole day just driving (with stops for food and playgrounds, duh, I'm not a monster) but today I cared. Today I wanted to find things, to explore, to give the kids experiences that they could learn from, that would enrich them. Today I realized that after years of feeling fine just staying in the shadows, literally just surviving the days with maybe a few moments to think - today I finally wanted to engage with the world.
Today I feel alive.
We didn't stay out long before I brought them back home. It feels alive to be here, to be making a meal, to be playing with their toys, to be packing lunches in between bouts of painting and snacking and balloon parties.
I had to face pain to feel alive again. I'm still facing it. I'm still dealing with it. I'm still reclaiming my life from it. But gosh, does it feel good to be back. Ignoring pain, I learned, meant that I was ignoring my *self* - literally my entire sense of who I am. Fuck that. I'd rather be alive. I'd rather be me instead of escaping from myself.
Today I feel alive.
We didn't stay out long before I brought them back home. It feels alive to be here, to be making a meal, to be playing with their toys, to be packing lunches in between bouts of painting and snacking and balloon parties.
I had to face pain to feel alive again. I'm still facing it. I'm still dealing with it. I'm still reclaiming my life from it. But gosh, does it feel good to be back. Ignoring pain, I learned, meant that I was ignoring my *self* - literally my entire sense of who I am. Fuck that. I'd rather be alive. I'd rather be me instead of escaping from myself.
