M.B.T.I don't know.

ISTP - Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving.

"ISTPs use their Thinking primarily internally to see the essential structure underlying the facts. Their minds seem to work almost like computers, organizing data, reasoning impersonally and objectively...ISTPs are expedient and believe in economy of effort - doing only what is needed with the least possible discussion and fuss...ISTPs are egalitarian and generally tolerant of a wide range of behavior - until their ruling logical principles are attacked. At that point, they can surprise others by expressing their firm and clear judgments. ISTPs listen and seem to agree because they are not disagreeing; later, others may find the ISTP was analyzing and making internal judgments...They tend to be quiet and reserved, though they can be quite talkative in areas in which they have a lot of knowledge." - MBTI Career Report, CPP Inc.

I was sitting at dinner last night with some people. The food was pretty good; the company was great. I noticed something though, and I think I noticed it only because it's been on my mind the past few days.

Well, I noticed two things but one of them wasn't new.

The first is just that I didn't talk much. It's not that I don't like these people (far from it), and it's not that I'm shy or even really socially anxious. I just didn't have anything to say - nothing came to mind that was relevant to the conversation. At the same time, I wasn't even thinking of anything to say - I was happy just watching and listening and thinking. That's the one that's not so new.

The "new" thing I noticed was the attempt made by a few people to draw me into conversation. I responded, of course (and hopefully graciously) - like I said, it's not that I'm antisocial. At the same time, it really made me pause a bit. I felt like I was maybe being a bit burdensome because maybe these people felt like they had to prod me into talking because I was incapable of just breaking into the conversation myself, or something. It made me wonder if maybe that's what it feels like to be missing a limb or something - you probably don't notice it's gone as much as the people around you do, and while you've adapted and are more or less happy with your place in life, other people assume that you're lacking and go out of their way to help you.

I think it's reasonable that if I'm in a social setting, I should socialize - for some reason, it just hadn't really occurred to me last night, and I realized that it's not as though I have some big sign on my forehead saying "hey, I'm doing great, I think you're awesome, don't mind the silence, it's not you or me, really!" and so who knows how it really was coming across to the people around me. I realized that not talking probably does come across as being shy, or socially incapable, or whatever, and I don't like that. Least of all do I like for others to feel as though they have to extend themselves to me - hard to articulate exactly why. I guess it's because I don't feel like there's anything wrong with me, and I don't want others to feel like I need "special treatment" or something.

I was only thinking about it because of the results from the MBTI that I got back the other day. They shook me up in some ways, because there were a couple of things that I saw as weaknesses in myself, mostly related to how I think and how I act towards others, and the results seemed to be saying that those two things were actually innately me, that it's just how I think, how I am. (So it made them go from small challenges to something bigger, something less changeable.)

The first challenge relates to the way I see conversations, and situations in general. I just take information in. It's hard for me to draw conclusions...not to say that I don't understand things well. I'm extremely perceptive about people, and can tell (easily) when someone's lying, or covering something up, or lying to their self, etc. I notice and remember the most inane details about whatever situations I end up in. But it's hard for me to understand implications about the future, or implications from the past that made something so. I almost refuse to draw conclusions unless I have a TON of data.

Not to say I don't try. I think over the years the way I've handled the "not being able to predict what's coming" thing is to just assume the worst, because at least then I'll have a plan for if something terrible happens.

The second challenge relates to how I interact with people. I can be extremely dry and impersonal, and have cut open most (if not all) of the people closest to me with those cutting one-line remarks that go right to the gut and sit there for awhile like a brick of ice. I usually let logic overrule whatever personal or emotional considerations I may have, and I know that really hurts people at times.

The MBTI results took these and basically said..."Yeah, well...yeah, that's who you are." It wasn't a surprise, but it really upset me.

I know that a lot of what I'm struggling with now just has to do with me accepting myself, and I don't know why that's so hard. People seem to like me for the most part, I get pretty good grades, I don't think I've ever had a supervisor that thought I was incompetent, I think most people would call me a "good person."

I think I can divide the sources of my feelings up into two categories: first, what I want for myself and what I want myself to be (and why); second, what I think "the world" values.

Taking the first. I've given myself a very limited view of what it means to care for someone, and of what it means to be meaningful to someone. I worry that being so analytical and having the ability to say some really heartless things will prevent me from being as maternal and caring as I want to be when I have a family. I worry that I won't understand my children or my spouse. I've always wanted to just be a girl, and I think every guy I've dated has heard me whine about not feeling like a girl without understanding what I was saying or getting at, but this is what I've meant. It's like I'm too logical sometimes to just let go and care. It's always bugged me that I can't understand where a situation is going; I'd like to be able to make those connections. Besides, it's really hurtful to be around someone who's always assuming the worst - and I've been trying to train myself out of that mindset for years now, with little success.

Broaching the second train of thought - I'm smart. I can write a really solid essay or pull an A in a difficult class. That's not the issue. I just feel like my combination of traits can basically be distilled into "You're boring." I don't think all the time - probably at least half of the time I'm literally just watching and storing things. When I do think, I don't think boring things, but the problem is that I usually don't feel like I should just pelt people with my thoughts (How would I know that they want to hear them, etc...) Perhaps what worries me more is the "black and white" way I tend to see the world. Society really values (and perhaps rightfully so) people who can look into a situation and be empathetic to someone who messed up because they were "just human" - and I can do that to a certain extent, but in the end I always tend toward the side of justice and having to take responsibility for the consequences of one's actions, regardless of extenuating circumstances. People see that as heartless a lot of the time.

So, I guess I just feel like my mind doesn't do interesting things like other people's does, and I feel like my heart doesn't always speak as loudly as I'd like it to. I'm not even sure why it matters. I'm loved, I'm successful, I haven't gotten into any major trouble, I have the world wide open in front of me. I realize all of this, and it's like I'm still not happy with myself and how my mind works.

That's also not entirely true, though. I'm loving 213 (Introduction to Computer Systems.) Lately we've done a few labs where we've had to go through assembly code and either figure out what it's doing, or figure out the memory addressing to write some kiddie versions of buffer overflow attacks. I won't say that doing the work has been blissful, because that would just sound stupid, but I've *really* *really* *really* enjoyed it. It's exactly the sort of thinking I've been wanting to do for the past few years, and finally getting it is nice. It's the sort of thinking that doesn't make my head hurt, that actually makes me feel relaxed and invigorated after I'm done.

So, I suppose I'm just confused. I feel a lot better now after just writing about it than I have in the past few days just worrying it over in my head. Not sure where all of the self-judgments came from...well, I mean, I do. I stuck a few really broad, common, notions in my mind and told myself that I had to meet them, and exactly them. And deep down I wouldn't change who I am; I wouldn't change how it feels to work on 213 (or the amount of loathing I felt for working on 212 by the end of last semester), or any of that. I think it's just a matter of me findng the right place in life - finding ways to give my dominant traits healthy outlets and letting myself see that I don't actually have to be everything that everyone else is just to be happy. Perhaps it means being a bit more self-aware, especially in social settings, just so I don't feel like I make things awkward.

In conclusion...it also occurs to me that in the grand scheme of things to be upset about, these are good problems to have. "Oh Goodness! I've got a roof over my head and food to eat at a top University, I'm loved, I'm healthy, my family and friends are incredible, and and and I just have to figure out what to do with my life and how to live in order for me to gain the maximum satisfaction from life and my relationships."

Fuck, I'm such a spoiled brat. With lots of homework to do. (2 hours after I sat down to write for 15 minutes to clear my head...)