Out of Body Experience

For some reason, I feel the urge to write about something that happened a good 6 and a half years ago.

When I first started to date Matt freshman year of high school, we'd meet up on Saturday mornings at the gym on base. My parents found out, of course, but it was an okay system for awhile.

The first time I met him wasn't a weekend, it was some weekday afternoon. I'd bought a pack of gum at one of the vending machines and was walking around waiting for him. He finally showed up, on the lower level in the corridor outside of the basketball court. I gave him a hug, feeling excited and nervous and scared and tense and happy all at once. We turned to walk down towards the locker rooms, and

All of a sudden I was looking at my back, and in front of me I saw him with his arm around me. I couldn't believe that someone had their arm around me, wanted to be close to me, wanted me to be his! It was too much to handle, so I just - didn't, and let my body go ahead of me.

A split second later, I snapped out of it because I wanted to see how it felt to have his arm around me, and I couldn't tell what it was like from four steps back.

Fuck, that was six and a half years ago. I remember when I was 10, I'd think about how I couldn't remember things from six and a half years ago. It doesn't feel like six and a half years, and at the same time, it seems like immeasurably longer. I almost want to see Matt again, to hug him and see if he remembers those days, see if it feels that recent and far away to him, too.

I feel old, and not as ready for life as I should be. I'm more mature than I used to be, but in some ways I miss the old, naive, me. It's hard to explain, I guess.

In spite of all that, I'd never want to actually go back. High school was rough enough the first time around, etc. Some lessons I don't want to learn twice.