Fears

For some reason, I've got a whole year to go and yet I'm still completely freaked out about graduating next May and then being out on my own. I'm so afraid of being out in the real world myself - it's mostly irrational; I know that I'll know a lot of people in the area, and that I'll settle in, and it'll be fine. I won't be friendless and abandoned, I won't be struggling through a job I hate, I won't even be far from my family. None of that is going to be a concern, and yet I'm still terrified.

Things seemed to change pretty quickly this summer. Looking at where I was, where I'm going, and where I thought I'd be - I'm realizing now that I wasn't where I thought I was in the first place, I'm going in a totally different direction than I really expected I would, and that I really have less of an idea now than I've ever had about what life is going to be like 10 short months from now.

I've never really run into this before...no matter what, I've been able to ground and comfort myself, and have nothing but a pretty positive, adventurous outlook on my situation. This summer (more in the past week or so) I've started really admitting to myself that I don't actually want to stay aloof from the entire world, and that to do so would be nearly unbearable...so I guess in some ways I'm facing down everything I've been afraid of before in terms of actually making lasting friendships and putting forth a real effort for making my life something I really enjoy living.

Maybe all of that sounds awful, I don't know. I'm not saying that I've been carrying on some sort of nihilistic, misanthropic, masochistic existence - far from it, in fact. But it's also true that for a long time now I've had myself on this sort of autopilot - I've tried to exist a few feet outside myself, maybe like I was playing an elaborate game of The Sims with myself as the only character. It's nothing more than a defense mechanism, of course, and it's really breaking down, which I actually think is going to be a good thing for me in the long run. It's scary, but I know I'll be much happier in the long run if I actually slow down, face this, and really get myself back inside my own head.