I just had a really crappy day.
It didn't *have* to be crappy, I just spent the whole thing being worried about the OS midterm I had tonight.
It wasn't that bad of a test. I had just convinced myself that I wasn't going to be able to do it, mostly because I've been feeling like I don't have a good idea of where I stand in the class, and I'm just tired, and stressed, and therefore prone to exaggerate things to myself...
Seriously, though. I've "learned" this lesson before. It's not worth getting upset about, and being upset is just going to make it worse. Better to figure out what I know I don't know, learn that, take the test and do as well as I can, and move on with life. It doesn't have to be nearly so emotionally draining.
A large contributor to my stress level is the fact that with the midterm and the previous 3 projects, 40% of the grade for the semester in that class has been assigned - and we haven't gotten numerical grades on anything. That's almost half of a class wherein I could be doing anywhere from (barely passing) to (pretty well) and I really don't have much of a clue about where I stand. I've gotten verbal feedback on two projects, but I haven't seen any sort of rubric, so I don't know how much the things I did wrong count against my overall grade in the class (or even an overall grade on the projects - I haven't seen any numbers, at all).
Honestly, though, that probably shouldn't matter so much. I should have a reasonable "gut" feeling about where I stand, based on their comments and my own self-awareness. I've just got this mild paranoia that there's something fundamental I'm just missing, and that I'm waltzing through the course totally oblivious to any problems I might be having, but that's likely not actually the case.
It's still disconcerting as hell, though. Disconcerting -- but still not worth putting so much energy into.
28 February 2008
25 February 2008
Pleas
There's a little less than a week left in February. In the past slightly-more-than-three-weeks, there have been FOUR school shootings.
How is this okay? In the past more-than-three-weeks I've been buried in stress, homework, classes, research, and more stress, and not enough sleep. I've been barely aware of what's going on in the world, but those have registered. It makes me uncomfortable, though, that my life (and the lives of everyone else) just keeps screaming along while things like this keep happening. I'm not saying that I have any desire for my own life to come to a screeching halt, but I am saying that I feel like this experience of living without engagement in the world, without more than a few passing thoughts to my surroundings, are probably symptomatic of what society as a whole is going through, and of what is contributing to making so many people feel so lost and alienated.
It is not okay.
I feel like there are a lot of rants that I could line up right now - everything from a criticism of the neo-Puritan work ethic that says that quantifiable achievement is the only way to measure one's worth, to a post-modern emo diatribe against the widespread use of antidepressants and other medications that "treat" mental "illnesses" without actually addressing any of the environments, experiences, or mental faculties, that lead to such conditions in the first place, to a moaning cry for a return to the "good old days" of innocence (whenever those actually were) when people "just didn't do" things "like that."
Those all kind of miss the point, though, and my point is just this: It feels like we're not paying attention. I'm not sure that one could successfully argue that we HAVE EVER been paying attention (see slavery, the holocausts, apartheid, etc) but it doesn't change the fact that maybe we should be.
The good news is that I see a lot of ways for society to start moving in more productive directions. I think that education is a key to this: right now we're in a strange situation where a lot of schools and universities have a sort of "meat factory" mentality - go through, get processed, come out with a seal of approval. It certainly sucks that there are a lot of people who aren't getting the personal experiences they deserve, but the trade-off here is that there are a lot of people (more than ever before, right?) who are being equipped with the skills (imperfect as they may be) to make a difference. Hopefully as the number of skilled people increases, the student-teacher (maybe student-mentor is a better phrase) ratio will start to become something more reasonable. Maybe that could help us break out of this me-first, just-get-through-this, mentality and actually start connecting with the world around us.
It doesn't change the fact that people are going to need to be willing to start Paying Attention, though. Nothing ever forces anyone to pay attention to anything besides their own self, but I don't want to see any more tragedies happen as a result of the fact that we're too comfortable and too safe in our own alienation (of ourselves and other people). People respond to tragedies because it's a rallying point, and a concrete event to deal with, but how sad is it that it has to come to that? Given the volume of recent shootings, it seems like the standard for "tragedy" is also being raised, which is perhaps even more disturbing.
I have a slight admission to make, in that right now I'm so stressed and not open to the idea of doing work that it's really, really, easy for me to rail on about how we need to stop being little factory-people and actually live life. (The grass is always greener, etc...) I think it's still a valid point, though. Everyone I knows talks about feeling "disconnected" (which increases proportional to feeling stressed) and it just can't be healthy in the long run, especially when you consider that society as a whole is feeling that way.
What can we do? I don't think shunning technology and progress is the answer...but what is? What will help everyone, or a large chunk of "everyone" start really looking around at the world around them?
How is this okay? In the past more-than-three-weeks I've been buried in stress, homework, classes, research, and more stress, and not enough sleep. I've been barely aware of what's going on in the world, but those have registered. It makes me uncomfortable, though, that my life (and the lives of everyone else) just keeps screaming along while things like this keep happening. I'm not saying that I have any desire for my own life to come to a screeching halt, but I am saying that I feel like this experience of living without engagement in the world, without more than a few passing thoughts to my surroundings, are probably symptomatic of what society as a whole is going through, and of what is contributing to making so many people feel so lost and alienated.
It is not okay.
I feel like there are a lot of rants that I could line up right now - everything from a criticism of the neo-Puritan work ethic that says that quantifiable achievement is the only way to measure one's worth, to a post-modern emo diatribe against the widespread use of antidepressants and other medications that "treat" mental "illnesses" without actually addressing any of the environments, experiences, or mental faculties, that lead to such conditions in the first place, to a moaning cry for a return to the "good old days" of innocence (whenever those actually were) when people "just didn't do" things "like that."
Those all kind of miss the point, though, and my point is just this: It feels like we're not paying attention. I'm not sure that one could successfully argue that we HAVE EVER been paying attention (see slavery, the holocausts, apartheid, etc) but it doesn't change the fact that maybe we should be.
The good news is that I see a lot of ways for society to start moving in more productive directions. I think that education is a key to this: right now we're in a strange situation where a lot of schools and universities have a sort of "meat factory" mentality - go through, get processed, come out with a seal of approval. It certainly sucks that there are a lot of people who aren't getting the personal experiences they deserve, but the trade-off here is that there are a lot of people (more than ever before, right?) who are being equipped with the skills (imperfect as they may be) to make a difference. Hopefully as the number of skilled people increases, the student-teacher (maybe student-mentor is a better phrase) ratio will start to become something more reasonable. Maybe that could help us break out of this me-first, just-get-through-this, mentality and actually start connecting with the world around us.
It doesn't change the fact that people are going to need to be willing to start Paying Attention, though. Nothing ever forces anyone to pay attention to anything besides their own self, but I don't want to see any more tragedies happen as a result of the fact that we're too comfortable and too safe in our own alienation (of ourselves and other people). People respond to tragedies because it's a rallying point, and a concrete event to deal with, but how sad is it that it has to come to that? Given the volume of recent shootings, it seems like the standard for "tragedy" is also being raised, which is perhaps even more disturbing.
I have a slight admission to make, in that right now I'm so stressed and not open to the idea of doing work that it's really, really, easy for me to rail on about how we need to stop being little factory-people and actually live life. (The grass is always greener, etc...) I think it's still a valid point, though. Everyone I knows talks about feeling "disconnected" (which increases proportional to feeling stressed) and it just can't be healthy in the long run, especially when you consider that society as a whole is feeling that way.
What can we do? I don't think shunning technology and progress is the answer...but what is? What will help everyone, or a large chunk of "everyone" start really looking around at the world around them?
16 February 2008
Elton John
Tonight I saw "27 Dresses" with the girls, and it was really good. I've been really tired and kind of stressed this week, so the break did me a lot of good. The movie itself was pretty typical, but there was one scene that made the entire experience for me: (spoiler follows...)
So, a lot of chick flick movies have one scene where girl-being-pursued lets her hair down, and steps off of her high horse long enough to have a wild, carefree moment of self actualization with guy-whose-love-is-still-unrequited. That moment in this movie took place in a bar after the car they were in got stuck and they apparently couldn't find a tow at night. After a few shots, they started opening up to each other, and just when it seemed like things were going to get disgustingly predictable, the song "Bennie and the Jets" came on the jukebox.
I'm not going to argue that the moment wasn't still disgustingly predictable, but it made me smile. After the initial "OMG YOU LOVE THIS SONG TOO!?!" moment, the two characters flubbed around with the lyrics (which was hilariously well done, as anyone familiar with the song could identify with) and before long they were dancing on the bar, singing and clowning it up. I can't imagine a better song for a moment like that - it's funky, goofy, and - I would argue - soulful - AND it has the added benefit of NOT being some cheesy love song.
Admittedly, I'm biased. I've always had a huge soft spot for Elton John's music*. Part of it stems from the fact that I grew up with a lot of it, and I have a lot of really good memories with his songs as a soundtrack. At the same time, I think that it's legitimately *really good music.*
I'm pretty picky about which of his music I like - and it's moreso the earlier stuff than the later stuff. I think that "Madman Across the Water" is a brilliant album, especially in terms of creativity. A lot of the songs manage to sound really personal and human, even while the lyrics themselves are a bit out of the ordinary. "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" and his self titled album are my other favorites.
"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" is such a beautiful, heartfelt song. I love the "what have I gotten myself into!?!" tone of the lyrics, and the way that the piano actually sounds like someone's stepping down (off of?) a yellow brick road. (Um, go listen to the song. I can't explain it.) I remember listening to it on the radio with my Dad one summer when we were running an errand getting ready to move from D.C. to Ohio, and it sort of ended up being my theme song for the rest of that summer. His self titled album, aside from "Your Song", definitely one of my favorite ballads, has a couple songs that he's not really well known for but that I absolutely adore.
One of them is "Border Song" and it's more or less about racism. I love how the phrase "Holy Moses" makes the song sound almost like a spiritual, but the piano and his inflection singing keep it from becoming cliche or satirical. The song is really powerful without being confrontational, and I really appreciate how it sounds like someone just taking a deep breath and saying "I'm really uncomfortable with all of this tension; we really shouldn't be doing this; let's just get along" without being too casual or too inflammatory.
The other is "The Greatest Discovery" and it starts out with some strings and an acoustic guitar. The piano kicks up with the lyrics, and it's a really sweet story - it's a narrative of a little boy finding out that he has a newborn brother, told from the boy's perspective. It's so simple, and so loving, and it does a lot to convey how much human life means.
Along those lines, "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters" probably rounds out my top few favorite Elton John songs. It's another from the same general time period as the others, and it's about not taking life for granted, and taking a moment to appreciate the people that really mean a lot to us:
"And now I know
Spanish Harlem are not just pretty words to say
I thought I knew
But now I know that rose trees never grow in New York City
Until you've seen this trash can dream come true
You stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light
This Broadway's got
It's got a lot of songs to sing
If I knew the tunes I might join in
I'll go my way alone
Grow my own, my own seeds shall be sown in New York City
Subway's no way for a good man to go down
Rich man can ride and the hobo he can drown
And I thank the Lord for the people I have found
I thank the Lord for the people I have found"
Hearing that song always makes me think of friends and family, and a bunch of people I'm really glad and lucky to know. Makes me happy.
Ah. That was a bit of a digression from "I really liked the movie I saw tonight" - oh, well.
*I say "Elton John's music" with full acknowledgment given to the fact that Bernie Taupin wrote most of the lyrics.
So, a lot of chick flick movies have one scene where girl-being-pursued lets her hair down, and steps off of her high horse long enough to have a wild, carefree moment of self actualization with guy-whose-love-is-still-unrequited. That moment in this movie took place in a bar after the car they were in got stuck and they apparently couldn't find a tow at night. After a few shots, they started opening up to each other, and just when it seemed like things were going to get disgustingly predictable, the song "Bennie and the Jets" came on the jukebox.
I'm not going to argue that the moment wasn't still disgustingly predictable, but it made me smile. After the initial "OMG YOU LOVE THIS SONG TOO!?!" moment, the two characters flubbed around with the lyrics (which was hilariously well done, as anyone familiar with the song could identify with) and before long they were dancing on the bar, singing and clowning it up. I can't imagine a better song for a moment like that - it's funky, goofy, and - I would argue - soulful - AND it has the added benefit of NOT being some cheesy love song.
Admittedly, I'm biased. I've always had a huge soft spot for Elton John's music*. Part of it stems from the fact that I grew up with a lot of it, and I have a lot of really good memories with his songs as a soundtrack. At the same time, I think that it's legitimately *really good music.*
I'm pretty picky about which of his music I like - and it's moreso the earlier stuff than the later stuff. I think that "Madman Across the Water" is a brilliant album, especially in terms of creativity. A lot of the songs manage to sound really personal and human, even while the lyrics themselves are a bit out of the ordinary. "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" and his self titled album are my other favorites.
"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" is such a beautiful, heartfelt song. I love the "what have I gotten myself into!?!" tone of the lyrics, and the way that the piano actually sounds like someone's stepping down (off of?) a yellow brick road. (Um, go listen to the song. I can't explain it.) I remember listening to it on the radio with my Dad one summer when we were running an errand getting ready to move from D.C. to Ohio, and it sort of ended up being my theme song for the rest of that summer. His self titled album, aside from "Your Song", definitely one of my favorite ballads, has a couple songs that he's not really well known for but that I absolutely adore.
One of them is "Border Song" and it's more or less about racism. I love how the phrase "Holy Moses" makes the song sound almost like a spiritual, but the piano and his inflection singing keep it from becoming cliche or satirical. The song is really powerful without being confrontational, and I really appreciate how it sounds like someone just taking a deep breath and saying "I'm really uncomfortable with all of this tension; we really shouldn't be doing this; let's just get along" without being too casual or too inflammatory.
The other is "The Greatest Discovery" and it starts out with some strings and an acoustic guitar. The piano kicks up with the lyrics, and it's a really sweet story - it's a narrative of a little boy finding out that he has a newborn brother, told from the boy's perspective. It's so simple, and so loving, and it does a lot to convey how much human life means.
Along those lines, "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters" probably rounds out my top few favorite Elton John songs. It's another from the same general time period as the others, and it's about not taking life for granted, and taking a moment to appreciate the people that really mean a lot to us:
"And now I know
Spanish Harlem are not just pretty words to say
I thought I knew
But now I know that rose trees never grow in New York City
Until you've seen this trash can dream come true
You stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light
This Broadway's got
It's got a lot of songs to sing
If I knew the tunes I might join in
I'll go my way alone
Grow my own, my own seeds shall be sown in New York City
Subway's no way for a good man to go down
Rich man can ride and the hobo he can drown
And I thank the Lord for the people I have found
I thank the Lord for the people I have found"
Hearing that song always makes me think of friends and family, and a bunch of people I'm really glad and lucky to know. Makes me happy.
Ah. That was a bit of a digression from "I really liked the movie I saw tonight" - oh, well.
*I say "Elton John's music" with full acknowledgment given to the fact that Bernie Taupin wrote most of the lyrics.
11 February 2008
Mentions
It's one thing to be proud of something you've accomplished.
It's another thing to be so concerned with asserting your imagined superiority that you ALWAYS mention it within n minutes of talking to someone (where ALWAYS is some significant percentage > 90, and n is some integer less than 4).
If you're so jealous of someone that you can't stand to interact with them for more than a couple minutes without trying to make yourself feel better, then you're probably better off not hanging out with them.
I really hate when it starts to feel like people see interactions as nothing besides competitions. Believe it or not, there's actually such a thing as having friendships for the sake of friendship. There's something seriously wrong if you're not comfortable around people unless you're convinced that you're better than them.
It's another thing to be so concerned with asserting your imagined superiority that you ALWAYS mention it within n minutes of talking to someone (where ALWAYS is some significant percentage > 90, and n is some integer less than 4).
If you're so jealous of someone that you can't stand to interact with them for more than a couple minutes without trying to make yourself feel better, then you're probably better off not hanging out with them.
I really hate when it starts to feel like people see interactions as nothing besides competitions. Believe it or not, there's actually such a thing as having friendships for the sake of friendship. There's something seriously wrong if you're not comfortable around people unless you're convinced that you're better than them.
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