On Monday morning I was walking to class holding a glass bottle of juice. I was pretty tired, so I dropped it (I have a tendency to drop things when I'm sleepy) and it shattered all over the place. I put my stuff down, went to the womens' bathroom, got paper towels, cleaned up, repeated, repeated, repeated, etc. As I was down on my hands and knees, about 20 people walked by me on their way to class (it was about 10 minutes before class started, or there would have been a larger crowd). Not a single one stopped or offered to help. Clearly, I had no right to EXPECT help; dropping the bottle was my own fault, and had nothing to do with them. That's true enough. It just seemed pathetic that I felt guilty for wishing someone would stop and help me, because people always seem to feel SO strongly that asking them to help out with something that doesn't directly involve them is a HUGE imposition, selfish, and unfair - and I don't want to impose on anyone, or be selfish, or unfair - it would just be nice to see some common courtesy.
I feel like I've run into this more here than anywhere else I've lived, and it's just exhausting. Nobody's perfect, and it's overwhelming - especially when I'm the type of person to help out those who need it - to feel like I'm just living in this impersonal void - and to feel this sort of "If you hadn't fucked up, you wouldn't be wanting *our* help" sort of disdain emanating from other people. (Either that, or a "better you than me, sucker!" sort of attitude - which isn't as bad, but still - sucks.)
30 April 2008
25 April 2008
People-Cats
Strange dream last night, clearly brought on by stress and being really, really burned out.
I was in a room in some hotel somewhere, and I wanted to go to sleep. However, I was told that there might be cats and a dog in my room. For some reason, I wanted to make sure the cats were out, so I set out to look for them. I came across a person crouched down in a catlike pose, and when I reached out my hand, the person turned into a cat. I stepped forward to get it and put it out, and it ran away.
I heard the other cat and dog, so I went over to them. The dog wouldn't let me hold it, and the cat kept stepping out of reach also. At one point, I came across both cats completely flattened out into little carpet squares, and they turned back into cats when I reached for them.
The whole dream was nothing but me trying to put out the damn cats so I could get some sleep and not worry about them coming after me with teeth and claws while I rested.
When my alarm went off this morning, I was still exhausted.
I feel like I don't have much energy for anything right now. I feel like I can't keep up with my work and my other commitments, and I feel like I don't have any time for myself anymore. I feel like even though I'm stretched thin and working all day, every day, I'm not staying on top of things the way I should and my work isn't the best it can be, just because I'm so tired and distracted, which makes me more tired and distracted, etc. And this is bad, because I've spent all semester in this mode, and by now I'm so burned out - and these are the two weeks when things really matter - that I feel like I'm about to wreck everything I spent the semester putting energy into, and it's all going to be for nothing.
Which is not a happy thought.
I was in a room in some hotel somewhere, and I wanted to go to sleep. However, I was told that there might be cats and a dog in my room. For some reason, I wanted to make sure the cats were out, so I set out to look for them. I came across a person crouched down in a catlike pose, and when I reached out my hand, the person turned into a cat. I stepped forward to get it and put it out, and it ran away.
I heard the other cat and dog, so I went over to them. The dog wouldn't let me hold it, and the cat kept stepping out of reach also. At one point, I came across both cats completely flattened out into little carpet squares, and they turned back into cats when I reached for them.
The whole dream was nothing but me trying to put out the damn cats so I could get some sleep and not worry about them coming after me with teeth and claws while I rested.
When my alarm went off this morning, I was still exhausted.
I feel like I don't have much energy for anything right now. I feel like I can't keep up with my work and my other commitments, and I feel like I don't have any time for myself anymore. I feel like even though I'm stretched thin and working all day, every day, I'm not staying on top of things the way I should and my work isn't the best it can be, just because I'm so tired and distracted, which makes me more tired and distracted, etc. And this is bad, because I've spent all semester in this mode, and by now I'm so burned out - and these are the two weeks when things really matter - that I feel like I'm about to wreck everything I spent the semester putting energy into, and it's all going to be for nothing.
Which is not a happy thought.
17 April 2008
kernel un-panic
So, we got the kernel finished yesterday. It was odd. Yesterday was also the one year anniversary of the Virginia Tech shootings that happened last spring. In order to be able to turn the kernel in, it had to pass at least one of their "stability" tests, which all were also dubbed "Continuous Hours of Operation" tests. The filenames (and actual names of the tests we ran) were cho, cho2, and cho_variant. The title had a logical origin, of course, but I was glad to be done if for no other reason than I got to stop staring at that name scrolling a bajillion times down the screen.
In other news. Carnival this weekend. I'll be busy with buggy races (on the radio safety net) and helping coordinate people to sell tickets for the rides. After it's all done, I think I deserve a day OFF.
In other news. Carnival this weekend. I'll be busy with buggy races (on the radio safety net) and helping coordinate people to sell tickets for the rides. After it's all done, I think I deserve a day OFF.
14 April 2008
More Rhetorical Discomfort
So, I've been watching the Democrats' campaign get increasingly nasty on both sides. I'm kind of dismayed at what's been happening - Hillary can't stop grasping at straws and pulling dirty punches, and Obama, well...honestly, Obama lost a lot of my respect over the past couple days, too.
What got me wasn't his remark about people being "bitter" - I think that's a fair assessment, even if worded unfortunately. What upsets me was his following statement about how those same bitter people "cling to guns and religion..." as a result. I'm really offended by the attitude that religion is something that for the poor, the uneducated, the bitter people to clutch onto. It tells me that he has the attitude that religion doesn't have much inherent value to society, and that it is the mark primarily of the sort of people he was referring to. I'm not looking for a right wing conservative to replace the current administration, and I'm not even looking for someone who makes statements blatantly in support of religion (Christianity or otherwise) - I'm really looking for someone who doesn't make categorical, values-oriented statements either way.
Right now, I'm seeing Obama gather a huge following of a lot of well intentioned, hopeful, optimistic, kind, caring people. Those are all good things. My only concern is that in this sweeping wave of charisma, certain other perspectives are being completely wiped away or suppressed, and nobody is standing up for them because, let's face it, the charisma feels good. Obama has young people thinking that they can make a difference, and that's fantastic. Reaching out to this generation is absolutely the right thing to do.
However, I'm really uncomfortable with the almost irrational wave of support that's going along with it. Nobody questioned the implicit criticism and dismissal of religion's value in society, or the derogatory attitude towards it - and I think that a lot of that is related to the fact that Obama's campaign "seems" so "good" and so "caring" and so "hopeful." It's really easy, and understandable to get swept up in that, but I just think we need to be careful not to lose our liberties, and to create a society that has in the long run just as much intolerance and elitism as the one many people feel that we are living in now. What will be the next idea to be dismissed out of hand, without question? Even if Obama and his campaign themselves have no ill intentions, it is SO easy (and there are SO many historical examples) of societal norms and laws created in one era to have disastrous consequences in the next just because nobody stopped to think about the consequences.
I think my vote for President is going to go to the person that seems to be the most in favor of preserving the role of government and the help that it gives to society, while not trampling individual rights in the process. In the long run, individual rights, and the due respect thereof, are much more important to me, and so that's the way I'm going to lean - because without a true, deep seated and personal respect for others, I don't believe we can make a lot of progress towards the other goals that we all hope for the country.
What got me wasn't his remark about people being "bitter" - I think that's a fair assessment, even if worded unfortunately. What upsets me was his following statement about how those same bitter people "cling to guns and religion..." as a result. I'm really offended by the attitude that religion is something that for the poor, the uneducated, the bitter people to clutch onto. It tells me that he has the attitude that religion doesn't have much inherent value to society, and that it is the mark primarily of the sort of people he was referring to. I'm not looking for a right wing conservative to replace the current administration, and I'm not even looking for someone who makes statements blatantly in support of religion (Christianity or otherwise) - I'm really looking for someone who doesn't make categorical, values-oriented statements either way.
Right now, I'm seeing Obama gather a huge following of a lot of well intentioned, hopeful, optimistic, kind, caring people. Those are all good things. My only concern is that in this sweeping wave of charisma, certain other perspectives are being completely wiped away or suppressed, and nobody is standing up for them because, let's face it, the charisma feels good. Obama has young people thinking that they can make a difference, and that's fantastic. Reaching out to this generation is absolutely the right thing to do.
However, I'm really uncomfortable with the almost irrational wave of support that's going along with it. Nobody questioned the implicit criticism and dismissal of religion's value in society, or the derogatory attitude towards it - and I think that a lot of that is related to the fact that Obama's campaign "seems" so "good" and so "caring" and so "hopeful." It's really easy, and understandable to get swept up in that, but I just think we need to be careful not to lose our liberties, and to create a society that has in the long run just as much intolerance and elitism as the one many people feel that we are living in now. What will be the next idea to be dismissed out of hand, without question? Even if Obama and his campaign themselves have no ill intentions, it is SO easy (and there are SO many historical examples) of societal norms and laws created in one era to have disastrous consequences in the next just because nobody stopped to think about the consequences.
I think my vote for President is going to go to the person that seems to be the most in favor of preserving the role of government and the help that it gives to society, while not trampling individual rights in the process. In the long run, individual rights, and the due respect thereof, are much more important to me, and so that's the way I'm going to lean - because without a true, deep seated and personal respect for others, I don't believe we can make a lot of progress towards the other goals that we all hope for the country.
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