This weekend I visited Pittsburgh for homecoming.
I thought that it would be a really painful weekend. I expected to be reminded of a lot of the things that I experienced here that were less than pleasant, and I expected to remember a lot of the stress and anxiety that went along with living and going to school here. More than anything, I expected to feel alienated by the fact that I'm *not* a student anymore, and that there's a lot about the college lifestyle that is lacking in my current situation.
Instead, it just felt like coming home. Sitting at the football game felt the same as sitting at the game as a student. Walking down Craig St. towards St. Paul's and Webster felt the same as it had the thousands of times I'd done it before. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by life now, I was comforted to realize that although University is supposed to be this time of great freedom, learning, and self-discovery, in some ways it's not so different from ordinary life. There's nothing stopping me from taking classes or lessons, and there's nothing stopping me from putting everything I am into following my dreams and walking away from the weird 9-5ish life.
It was good to realize that I missed being here, and good to realize that it could feel like home. It made me think again about how so much of life depends on perspective, and I know that if I were a full-time student here again there are things that I would definitely miss about my life now.
I wish I had been a bit more open to life at CMU while I was a student - especially my first couple years. I wish I had been more outgoing and I wish I'd taken more risks by pushing myself to join new groups or take on challenges that I wasn't sure I could overcome. I came here with a completely different perspective and set of expectations than most people who come here, I think, and it does hurt a bit to think of what I missed because I wasn't really looking around for opportunities as much as I could or should have.
At the same time, the fact that I can come here and feel like I belong - and know that it will always be a big part of who I am - means more than anything. CMU helped me learn those lessons, and even if just for that, it will always be my home.
Not only that, but realizing that situations which seem so stressful and distasteful are actually full of chances to explore and have fun, and make great memories, gives me a lot of hope for my current situation. If I can really take that to heart and act on it, then in some way it'll mean that CMU is still there, teaching, coaching, and letting me have a place.
26 October 2008
03 October 2008
Ever Since
It's been a day over a month since I posted anything. Life has been pretty busy, I guess.
A couple days ago I visited the Boston Museum of Science. One of their exhibit halls has an "electricity" demonstration area, complete with the largest air-insulated Van Der Graff generator in the world.
I kind of have a history with that particular exhibit hall. I remember visiting the MOS with my Mom and Brother when I was a kid, and back then I was absolutely petrified of the electricity exhibit. The presentation is (and was) advertised as having "loud noises and bright flashes" and the flier mentions "creating lightning" in the exhibit hall. So, when I was there...14 years ago...I refused to see the electricity demonstration. My brother was pretty annoyed because he really wanted to see it, but I whined and resisted so much that Mom eventually gave in and decided that we wouldn't go.
Well, of course Colin wanted to see the electricity demonstration. I considered briefly and decided that 14 years had done nothing to distill my wariness of lightning at close proximity, so again I resisted. It's a lot harder to say no to him than it was to say it to my family, though, so after a couple seconds I gave in and agreed to see the demonstration.
Needless to say, it was not nearly as intense an experience as I'd feared. The "lightning" was more of a "big big big spark" - I mean, it was impressive as hell, don't get me wrong - but it wasn't quite what my imagination had made it out to be.
I guess the whole thing just made me wonder how many other experiences I'd turned down over the years - and how many habits of perspectives I've created - based on completely wrong, or exaggerated, assumptions? It's really valuable to have people in our lives to push us to question ourselves like that.
A couple days ago I visited the Boston Museum of Science. One of their exhibit halls has an "electricity" demonstration area, complete with the largest air-insulated Van Der Graff generator in the world.
I kind of have a history with that particular exhibit hall. I remember visiting the MOS with my Mom and Brother when I was a kid, and back then I was absolutely petrified of the electricity exhibit. The presentation is (and was) advertised as having "loud noises and bright flashes" and the flier mentions "creating lightning" in the exhibit hall. So, when I was there...14 years ago...I refused to see the electricity demonstration. My brother was pretty annoyed because he really wanted to see it, but I whined and resisted so much that Mom eventually gave in and decided that we wouldn't go.
Well, of course Colin wanted to see the electricity demonstration. I considered briefly and decided that 14 years had done nothing to distill my wariness of lightning at close proximity, so again I resisted. It's a lot harder to say no to him than it was to say it to my family, though, so after a couple seconds I gave in and agreed to see the demonstration.
Needless to say, it was not nearly as intense an experience as I'd feared. The "lightning" was more of a "big big big spark" - I mean, it was impressive as hell, don't get me wrong - but it wasn't quite what my imagination had made it out to be.
I guess the whole thing just made me wonder how many other experiences I'd turned down over the years - and how many habits of perspectives I've created - based on completely wrong, or exaggerated, assumptions? It's really valuable to have people in our lives to push us to question ourselves like that.
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