Going Home

This weekend I visited Pittsburgh for homecoming.

I thought that it would be a really painful weekend. I expected to be reminded of a lot of the things that I experienced here that were less than pleasant, and I expected to remember a lot of the stress and anxiety that went along with living and going to school here. More than anything, I expected to feel alienated by the fact that I'm *not* a student anymore, and that there's a lot about the college lifestyle that is lacking in my current situation.

Instead, it just felt like coming home. Sitting at the football game felt the same as sitting at the game as a student. Walking down Craig St. towards St. Paul's and Webster felt the same as it had the thousands of times I'd done it before. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by life now, I was comforted to realize that although University is supposed to be this time of great freedom, learning, and self-discovery, in some ways it's not so different from ordinary life. There's nothing stopping me from taking classes or lessons, and there's nothing stopping me from putting everything I am into following my dreams and walking away from the weird 9-5ish life.

It was good to realize that I missed being here, and good to realize that it could feel like home. It made me think again about how so much of life depends on perspective, and I know that if I were a full-time student here again there are things that I would definitely miss about my life now.

I wish I had been a bit more open to life at CMU while I was a student - especially my first couple years. I wish I had been more outgoing and I wish I'd taken more risks by pushing myself to join new groups or take on challenges that I wasn't sure I could overcome. I came here with a completely different perspective and set of expectations than most people who come here, I think, and it does hurt a bit to think of what I missed because I wasn't really looking around for opportunities as much as I could or should have.

At the same time, the fact that I can come here and feel like I belong - and know that it will always be a big part of who I am - means more than anything. CMU helped me learn those lessons, and even if just for that, it will always be my home.

Not only that, but realizing that situations which seem so stressful and distasteful are actually full of chances to explore and have fun, and make great memories, gives me a lot of hope for my current situation. If I can really take that to heart and act on it, then in some way it'll mean that CMU is still there, teaching, coaching, and letting me have a place.