Almost a year ago I wrote about how it felt to be starting to come out of a feeling of fog and sadness that had lasted for years. I wish I could say that it had been steady linear progress upwards, but it hadn't. I think it's pretty common to happen this way, with little fits and starts upwards and then backwards, sideways, ahead, and then finally noticeably better. I know that I can't count on feeling this good indefinitely; I'm living each day with gratitude and trying to make the best of each day.
I'm back to the point where I feel like I can concentrate fully again - I can concentrate the way I "used" to (back in...high school? middle school? some parts of college?) I feel like myself enough to get immersed in a topic and stay there, unmolested by the previously intrusive anxiety that compelled me to come up for air frequently, to look around, to check my phone for distractions. I feel like myself enough to do chores without a podcast or audiobook jabbering away in my ear; I relish time spent in silence now, I crave time to exist and to process and to think (but not to ruminate, to worry, to catastrophize, to project...)
I don't know exactly what the formula was that got me back to good, but if anyone is reading this from the bottom of one of those pits of despair and is looking for help or support, please contact me. I don't know if I really even have my own answers, much less anyone else's, but I'm willing to offer information on what seems to have worked for me. In general, I've been sleeping better. I've found an eating routine that works for me and means that my body seems to be fairly adept now at avoiding blood sugar spikes and crashes. I've been exercising moderately (and by that I mean VERY moderately but very consistently - my one rule for workouts is that I do work out but I never do a stressful workout.) I've been praying. I've been resting A LOT - lots of days in bed with naps and little else. I found a hobby that I could start to get lost in (baking and cooking) again. I've been listening to podcasts that provide a type of spiritual direction that works very well for my particular mindset and emotional needs.
And all of a sudden, over the past few days, I realized I was ready again. Ready to work, ready to think, ready to talk. After I finish typing this, I'm going to work on renewing a professional certification and I'm actually *looking forward* to listening to the hours of technical content and working through lab exercises. I have an appetite for thinking and learning again, for technical material in addition to the spiritual and philosophical diet that I've been feeding my psyche for the past few months. I am so, so, very grateful. Holy f*ck. So grateful.
I'm back to the point where I feel like I can concentrate fully again - I can concentrate the way I "used" to (back in...high school? middle school? some parts of college?) I feel like myself enough to get immersed in a topic and stay there, unmolested by the previously intrusive anxiety that compelled me to come up for air frequently, to look around, to check my phone for distractions. I feel like myself enough to do chores without a podcast or audiobook jabbering away in my ear; I relish time spent in silence now, I crave time to exist and to process and to think (but not to ruminate, to worry, to catastrophize, to project...)
I don't know exactly what the formula was that got me back to good, but if anyone is reading this from the bottom of one of those pits of despair and is looking for help or support, please contact me. I don't know if I really even have my own answers, much less anyone else's, but I'm willing to offer information on what seems to have worked for me. In general, I've been sleeping better. I've found an eating routine that works for me and means that my body seems to be fairly adept now at avoiding blood sugar spikes and crashes. I've been exercising moderately (and by that I mean VERY moderately but very consistently - my one rule for workouts is that I do work out but I never do a stressful workout.) I've been praying. I've been resting A LOT - lots of days in bed with naps and little else. I found a hobby that I could start to get lost in (baking and cooking) again. I've been listening to podcasts that provide a type of spiritual direction that works very well for my particular mindset and emotional needs.
And all of a sudden, over the past few days, I realized I was ready again. Ready to work, ready to think, ready to talk. After I finish typing this, I'm going to work on renewing a professional certification and I'm actually *looking forward* to listening to the hours of technical content and working through lab exercises. I have an appetite for thinking and learning again, for technical material in addition to the spiritual and philosophical diet that I've been feeding my psyche for the past few months. I am so, so, very grateful. Holy f*ck. So grateful.
No comments:
Post a Comment