Change

I feel like my life has changed a lot in the past 24 hours. Really not too much has happened, but still...

-I found out that the capstone class I wanted to take next year isn't going to be offered. This leaves me with the option of joining the Honors Program and doing an Honors Research Project for a professor, hopefully researching something in my field of interest, OR instead of just taking a different capstone class. I think I'd get less satisfaction out of the class, but the Honors Project is going to be quite a bit more work. This won't be a problem as long as I stick to my original plan of keeping that as my only really hard class next fall.

-I dropped my A.I. class. It was interesting, but the assignments were starting to take up way too much time, and I wasn't learning anything that deeply appealed to me or what I want from a career. Today I've been walking around in this happy glow resulting from the fact that I just Don't Have To Do It Anymore. This is the only class I've ever dropped, the first time I've had enough give in my schedule and enough options to be able to just walk away from something that I really disliked. It also takes a lot off of my workload, and I'm also feeling, for the first time since I arrived at CMU, that I'm finally going to have some of my LIFE to myself. Whew. I literally cried with relief after I hit the "drop" button on the online add/drop page.

Today's also been a bit emotional. I'm finding that I have an extremely "give and take" sort of perspective on life. Hmm. The problem with thinking that way is that it tends to try to quantify things that aren't meant to be quantified...

Dreams and Life

While I was driving back to Pittsburgh yesterday, I had an incredible idea.

I think it's mostly an escapist fantasy, but there's a small chance that I might, just might, be able to make it work. If I can pull it off, I think I'll be happier than I've ever been.

Even just trying is going to be fun. I'm psyched.

Sanctuary

I'm home.

I'm home with some really mixed emotions. Earlier this week, along with the pragmatic reasons, I decided to come home just as an escape. School is really overwhelming, and I'm also really stressed out on a number of other levels - and somehow coming home has always eased that a bit. Today I realized that the feeling of comfort comes as much from being in a familiar environment as it does just being able to do something that allows me to feel like I'm reclaiming myself. It lets me really internalize that while school exists and is a big part of my life - it's not actually what's in *charge* of my life.

This shouldn't be a surprise, I seem to be writing a LOT recently about my "self". A lot of times at school I just feel like I'm being pressed and overwhelmed, like I'm in over my head with my major, and I've realized how much I again, resent, all of the hours put into studying, working, etc. I'm not saying I don't want to work hard, nor that I don't know the value of hard work. I'm perfectly capable of the work I'm currently doing, but I'm just drained. I don't enjoy it, aside from the comforting feeling I get from the methodical nature working with assembly code or writing things in C. And it's getting to the point where I don't even enjoy writing code as much anymore. Maybe that's just from being burned out on everything else, though. I do think that my career is headed away from ECE, though. I'm not sure where yet, but eventually...could be almost anything, I guess.

I think my next big goal for myself is going to be finding a way to get this feeling - of being my own person, and not controlled by externalities - without having to run away. I think I'd handle stress a lot better if I could do that. I got more work done tonight than I have in most Friday nights just because I was able to relax a bit more in this environment, and now I'm sprawled out in my classic position - laying on my bed, head barely propped up by a mess of pillows, listening to my very favorite music on headphones, drifting in and out of sleep. I'm listening to songs that I haven't listened to much since high school, and I'm realizing how long ago that was. In some ways I'm really proud of myself. I've accomplished things intellectually and emotionally that I never thought I'd be capable of. I've grown up in ways I've wanted to.

Being home is strange because I'm so glad to be home, and at the same time I do actually miss being at CMU - everything from missing the boyfriend (even more than I thought I would) to the stuff I'd be doing if I'd stuck around this weekend (like buggy, even though I really don't have the time for it... I think I've only used my callsign like 3 times, ever, which sucks. I was so proud to get my license.)

I had more to write about, but I'm putting it off in favor of my heavy eyelids...in conclusion, being home is good, finding self is better.

Freedom, Part I (or, "I'm Making Your Damn Mocha!")

Well, Europe was fun. I should have pictures up on facebook within the next day or so. I ate lots of good food, drank some good drinks, saw countless beautiful buildings, spent quality time with a panda, rode trains, and wrote code for an AI assignment. For once (the first time in quite awhile) I had the time to think through and plan the assignment and write really good, modular code...it was so nice NOT to have to stress out over it last night that it was hopefully enough of a motivation for me to start more things ahead of time.

Uh, I also discovered that I really have a taste for red wine, which I guess is some kind of ironic payback for all the hell I've given my Dad over the years about it. I didn't actually drink a lot of it, but I got used to having a glass with dinner. I think my favorite was in Prague, some kind of local Czech stuff.

What else. The past day and a half have been very strange, but very good (in most ways.) I talked today with the advisor for one of the groups I've been involved in this year, and told her that I'm not going to try for a position next year. Ever since I came to CMU I've been struggling to find a niche - something I'm good at, something I can contribute to in a real sense, some way to find satisfaction externally and internally. Freshman year was me just trying to get over social fears and make a few friends, sophomore year was a LOT of hard academic work and getting into some organizations, and this year has been a lot of hard work as well as some leadership roles. I'm finding that I still haven't quite found my niche, but I'm a LOT more attuned to my strengths and weaknesses, and am starting to get a clearer picture of what I want for myself and my life.

In a much more immediate sense, I realized that next year is really going to be my last year of living a life with as much freedom as one gets in college, and I want to really be sure that I've used it the best I can. For me that may mean being a bit selfish with my time, but damnit, I've got more than enough years ahead of me to live a structured, stressful life, and I'm going to use those 8 months to make sure that I've found and fulfilled myself enough to be ready to really face the real world.

I had two other interesting experiences today.

One of my professors announced near the end of class that she's got an operation scheduled for Friday. I think her exact words were, "I have to have an operation on Friday, and I won't be back." She started to choke up, and got control of herself by changing the subject back to some class material. A minute or so later, she turned her head and said, "It's cancer, that's what it is. It's in my throat and I won't be able to talk for awhile, so I'll still grade your papers but I can't lecture for you guys." And that's how it went. She made a few more statements, telling us how freaked out she was about it, but she wouldn't dwell on it...it was like she was so upset that the only real way to deal with it was to just keep a firm grip on the day's material, and to charge ahead like everything was going to be fine. And it will be fine. It's a scary procedure, but the doctors are sure that she's going to recover and be okay. At the same time - cancer is terrifying. I was struck by the whole thing because it was such a clear example of how people handle tragedy. It almost seems like the bigger, more real, and scarier the problem, the more motivated that the person is to hold onto "real life" and not make a big dramatic deal of things. People get upset and...well, "cause drama" over so many small things that don't really matter in the long run - the small things are the ones we dwell on, the big things seem to be the ones we almost step forward to embrace and get over.

And finally. I was buying coffee at my favorite coffee stand on campus (where I go at least once a day, sometimes more.) Today after I ordered I realized that I'd forgotten my wallet, so I told them to cancel it, but they wouldn't. Instead they told me I could just pay them later, that they knew me and it would be okay. I still protested, but the girl just said ... (see above.) It went back to my whole niche thing. It's just a coffee stand, and I'm just one of a zillion regular customers, but it was such a gratifying, humanizing, comforting experience to be treated as a real, known, person instead of an anonymous consumer. Some day I want all of my life to feel like that, as much as possible.

In other news, I'm going home this weekend. I need to pick up my tax forms, class rings, and a couple textbooks (heh, halfway through the semester...), and I want to give my Mom her late birthday present I got overseas. It's going to be a short trip since I have a meeting on Sunday afternoon, but I think probably a necessary trip at this point.

Bleary Eyed and Blue Skies

So, I just arrived in Frankfurt. I'm sitting here checking e-mail and getting some administriva out of the way while I wait for Tom's flight to get in. Getting here was a bit of an ordeal, but now I'm happy and relatively awake (we'll see how long that lasts!) Anyhow, things I've learned/reasserted in the past 18 hours:

Travel lesson #1: Always leave more time than you think you'll need.

I got to Pittsburgh International at 0945 Friday morning. My flight was
supposed to leave at 1155, so I thought I was just being a good, paranoid
traveler and leaving a LOT of extra time. I was on a United Flight that
codeshared with USAir to Charlotte, then a different one to Newark, then
finally one to Frankfurt. Originally, I'd been on flights from Pittsburgh
to Newark, and then Newark out but I got an e-mail a few weeks ago
adding the Charlotte leg. No big deal, I figured.

I walked up to the United counter, and got scowled at by the lady and told to
go check in at USAir. Feeling a bit idiotic, I wandered over to the self-check
in counter at USAir...and watched while the machine failed to find my
reservation. I managed to catch the attention of one of the checkin agents,
and she spent another few minutes tapping on HER keyboard looking through the
system. She finally told me that something had gotten REALLY messed up
and when United changed my flights a few weeks ago, they'd not actually
given me seats or updated the tickets, even though I was supposed to be on
them. She suggested I call Priceline and meanwhile stand in line at the
USAir ticket counter (separated by my current location by a few feet of
space...)

I called Priceline, not knowing how to really explain the situation to them,
but was somewhat relieved to find a well-spoken, polite, somewhat intelligent
voice on the other end that didn't seem too surprised or worried. He told me
that he'd call United and make them fix it somehow. I got put on hold, and
meanwhile the USAir ticket people confirmed that they were essentially
powerless to do anything. (Thanks, United. Way to codeshare effectively and
clean up your messes when you change your schedule randomly.)

Anyhow. the Priceline dude got back to me and said they were thinking of
routing me through Chicago, but he was going to confirm with the airline.
More being put on hold. He finally came back and said that my original
itinerary was confirmed on United, and all I had to do was ask them to issue
me an updated ticket. I went back over to the same friendly folk I'd briefly
encountered earlier, and got grumped at again, this time getting informed
that their system didn't show "any problems" with my reservation and there
was no need for a ticket reissue. The most they would do for me was print me
a receipt. I was a bit startled to look at it, because it had my very first
itinerary - no Charlotte leg. I asked them about it and they refused to
talk to me further.

So I trudged back over to the USAir counter, waiting in line again, and
got a call from Priceline again to make sure that things were okay
(Apparently a panda called and told them that he was somewhat concered
about the situation), and I told the lady about the strange receipt. She
told me to go ahead to USAir and see what they'd do for me, and that in
the meantime she'd make more calls and call me back.

This time the lady at USAir was able to go into the system and grab my
reservation, or something, or just took pity on me, because after about 15
more minutes of me standing there she had boarding passes for all 3 legs
of my trip (Charlotte leg included.) The Priceline lady called back when I
was on my way to the gate, and was REALLY surprised to hear that I was
on the 3-leg trip, (apparently all systems now showed me on the 2-leg) but
said that as long as I had boarding passes with seats for everything, I was
good to go. Time of arrival at my gate: 1145.

Travel lesson #2: Packing something to munch on is a good idea.

I was supposed to have an hour layover in Charlotte, and two hours in Newark.
The flight out of Pittsburgh sat around on the runway forever, and we got
into Charlotte just in time for me to board my next flight...when I'd been
counting on getting something to eat. No big deal; I could always eat
in Newark.

Well, we got into Newark an hour late. Again, not too much of an issue;
I still had another entire HOUR. I got down to my gate for Lufthansa and
checked in - actually, I'd been asking if there was any way for me to get
transferred onto T.j.'s flight and they told me they had to put my Passport
in the system, etc. So, I handed my stuff over, and they start typing, and
typing, and frowning, and asking if I have a ticket or receipt or anything.
I hand them the whole mess of stuff that the lady from USAir gave me, as
well as the Priceline printout and proceed to stand there for...the entire
next hour as they try to obtain an updated ticket for me (for my original fight,
not the boyfriend's.

I am the last passenger to board the plane, and I still haven't eaten. However,
I AM actually ON the flight, which is beginning to seem like a minor miracle
at this point. The experience made me remember another lesson from Dad:
if things are screwed up once, don't assume that they're actually fixed. I'm
not sure what would have happened if I'd tried to board with the boarding
pass that USAir had assured me would work, and I'd like to think I would
have checked at the counter even if I wasn't trying to switch flights,
but honestly - I'm not sure.

Finally...

Travel Lesson #3: Dressing like a business traveler gets you much better
treatment.

This is a trick that I confirmed many times when I was flying a LOT last year,
and held true yesterday. Except for the dolts at United, I was treated
really well by all the people I interacted with, and my guess is that
part of the reason why was that people glanced at me in a suit and mentally
stuck me in a different category than most of the rest of the "spring
break" crowd...perhaps the most striking difference has been on this flight,
though. I'm sitting in the middle of a "spring break" crowd and the
flight attendants have been a lot more deferential to me...I had a glass of
white wine with dinner, and the flight attendant made a show of showing me the
bottle, asking if it was okay, etc. The spring break crowd didn't get
that treatment. Ha. (Okay, it's a small, petty, shallow victory but after the
previous 9 hours, I was willing to take anything and wallow in it a bit.)

So, in conclusion: get there early, pack food, ask lots of questions,
and dress nicely. And then bask in the fact that you're headed to
Europe for Spring Break and about to embark on a Grand Adventure, of sorts.

Oh yeah, and don't fly United. Idiots.

Paralyzed

Last night I had a nightmare; it was the most vivid one I've had since the one last spring where I was dead-alive and embalming myself.

It started out really happily. I was sitting at a desk working on something and my Dad came up behind me and started talking to me. We hadn't really really talked in awhile, so I put down my work and enjoyed the conversation. Then for some reason it really scared me. I got it into my head that the only reason my Dad would be saying, sharing so much was that he was about to die, or was already dead.

I stood up, and realized I was dreaming. I lost control of my dream body and was all of a sudden hurling down a flight of stairs. I could hear voices of friends around me telling me that they didn't want me to hear or see, but I was headed down anyhow. Somehow at the bottom I was going to encounter either Dad's body or an explanation or foreshadow of some really gruesome, untimely death. I knew I was dreaming and it became absolutely crucial for me to wake up to avoid whatever it was at the bottom.

I couldn't wake up. I struggled and struggled, and it took all the energy I had. When I "woke up", I wasn't really awake, I was in the bedroom of the house I'd been in during the dream. I knew I wasn't in the right place but I couldn't remember what the place I was supposed to be in looked like. I finally snapped out of it and into real life. My (real) bedroom seemed out of place.

The content of the dream wasn't more frightening than usual, but the disorientation and difficulty waking up really shook me up.

Blogging Philosophy

More and more, I'm thinking about what blogs are actually good for; what their purpose serves that can't be met with e-mails, personal communication, etc.

Communication itself is another art (with corresponding philosophy entirely), which is important as one struggles to express herself (or himself) and perhaps more crucial than people realize as they struggle to express the thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes of others.

Not sure what it really matters in the long run; someday all of this information will just disappear with the hardware that houses it.

That's right - it matters because even with all of the abstractions, layers of sepearation from actual people, and impersonal "billboard" nature of the online domain, in the end it all still relates to people's lives and can have quite an impact on them. Information disappears, but consequences and impacts thereof tend to reach farther than the author probably intends to begin with.

I guess that's why I'm arguing that the purpose of a (widely public) blog isn't really to expose the personal workings of one's life, but more as a forum for other, perhaps more general or maybe just less sensitive issues that others might find interesting. When you're writing completely about your own life, it's a moot point, but few people live in a total vacuum and sooner or later it's almost certain that someone will feel uncomfortable with your represntation of them or their ideas.

I'm not arguing for better privacy laws, or anything like that, though, or even for a change in prevailing norms with respect to online behavior. I still contend that the less constrained the market is, the more informed and better satisfied the consumers will be.

Initials

Thursday, another long day.

Today in my Chinese Culture through Film class we're covering the Japanese invasion of China in 1937, particularly the "Rape of Nanking." It's pretty gut-wrenching footage. Right now they're showing a U.S. propaganda film from WWII - I know that its entire intention is to make people feel the way I'm feeling, but it's still hard to watch. We had to read a couple memoirs written by Japanese soldiers, and I was really struck by the matter of fact attitude towards killing, pillaging, etc.

One commander talked about how the final exercise in his training was to behead a Chinese prisoner, and how after he'd done it he felt different, fearsome, somehow strong and detached inside. It seems like we get the same amount of detachment with so many different situations in life - killing is an extreme example.

Meh, that's not really a new or particularly insightful observation. The human psyche has an amazing capacity for adaptation. I guess that supports my contention that people really have a lot more control over themselves and more ability to control their impulses than they're willing to admit. I'm not sure to what extent that's desirable, though. There seems to be this ideal that as one person gains more discipline and loses the ability to "let go", they somehow start to miss out on the ability to really experience some of the more fundamental, wonderful, aspects of being human. (Others would argue that not to be disciplined just leads to a lot of embarassment.)

Moderation in everything, right? That's always the answer. I wish it wasn't always so; life would be more exciting. Maybe excitement isn't really what we want, though.

Speaking of moderation, I talked to Adam last night. I'm looking forward to the summer with the same mixed feelings that I look forward to most things, but in all seriousness, it should be pretty fun. (I did that on purpose - read it again.) Christina said she'd try to come down from Boston for my birthday...should be a fun one. It's kind of strange; last year when I turned 20 I didn't really feel like I was any older or any different than I'd been the past few years, but this year I've really noticed how things are a lot different. I think when I turn 21 it's going to feel just right, and I'm going to actually feel my age.

What else.

I sat in on an interesting meeting today. It was a town hall disucssion and the issue of cheating within the department came up. It was fascinating to watch how strongly some people felt about some of the situations, and to watch people trying to explain and justify themselves. I thought a lot of people made good points, but you could tell that some people really hit on some sore points.

It's only 8 more days until the panda and I leave for Germany. This weekend and next week are going to be getting things in order for that and doing a metric fuckton of homework. I haven't been nearly as disciplined about getting work done and staying on top of things as I've needed to be, and it's starting to show in my grades. I'm going to just push hard next week and then start over after spring break - the grades aren't bad enough to be really worried about, they just aren't as good as they can be. Yeah. Germany is going to be fun. The second half of the semester is going to be insanely busy. Life flies by, I suppose. One day at a time.