Sanctuary

I'm home.

I'm home with some really mixed emotions. Earlier this week, along with the pragmatic reasons, I decided to come home just as an escape. School is really overwhelming, and I'm also really stressed out on a number of other levels - and somehow coming home has always eased that a bit. Today I realized that the feeling of comfort comes as much from being in a familiar environment as it does just being able to do something that allows me to feel like I'm reclaiming myself. It lets me really internalize that while school exists and is a big part of my life - it's not actually what's in *charge* of my life.

This shouldn't be a surprise, I seem to be writing a LOT recently about my "self". A lot of times at school I just feel like I'm being pressed and overwhelmed, like I'm in over my head with my major, and I've realized how much I again, resent, all of the hours put into studying, working, etc. I'm not saying I don't want to work hard, nor that I don't know the value of hard work. I'm perfectly capable of the work I'm currently doing, but I'm just drained. I don't enjoy it, aside from the comforting feeling I get from the methodical nature working with assembly code or writing things in C. And it's getting to the point where I don't even enjoy writing code as much anymore. Maybe that's just from being burned out on everything else, though. I do think that my career is headed away from ECE, though. I'm not sure where yet, but eventually...could be almost anything, I guess.

I think my next big goal for myself is going to be finding a way to get this feeling - of being my own person, and not controlled by externalities - without having to run away. I think I'd handle stress a lot better if I could do that. I got more work done tonight than I have in most Friday nights just because I was able to relax a bit more in this environment, and now I'm sprawled out in my classic position - laying on my bed, head barely propped up by a mess of pillows, listening to my very favorite music on headphones, drifting in and out of sleep. I'm listening to songs that I haven't listened to much since high school, and I'm realizing how long ago that was. In some ways I'm really proud of myself. I've accomplished things intellectually and emotionally that I never thought I'd be capable of. I've grown up in ways I've wanted to.

Being home is strange because I'm so glad to be home, and at the same time I do actually miss being at CMU - everything from missing the boyfriend (even more than I thought I would) to the stuff I'd be doing if I'd stuck around this weekend (like buggy, even though I really don't have the time for it... I think I've only used my callsign like 3 times, ever, which sucks. I was so proud to get my license.)

I had more to write about, but I'm putting it off in favor of my heavy eyelids...in conclusion, being home is good, finding self is better.