I saw something really odd on my way back to Pittsburgh today.
I was on 15N, getting close to 70. What I thought I saw was a truck coming out of a driveway across both lines of traffic, swerving in a large semicircle, and then heading forward (right in front of me). The truck driver had left him/herself plenty of room to turn around, so it wasn't in any danger of causing an accident.
When I got close to where I thought the driveway/side street had been, I saw that there wasn't any such thing - just thick foliage, like there was everywhere else. This means that the truck was actually coming the otherway, and just did an arbitrary U-turn, right in the middle of traffic. I don't recall seeing that happen, but then, I was paying a bunch of attention to the road right in front of me, and I'm guessing my mind just filled in the most logial explanation.
I've done that with a lot of situations recently - I apologize. I'm still learning that sometimes I need to just distance myself from people and events, instead of jumping into the middle of things I don't necessarily understand, especially when I'm already as upset as I've been.
As soon as I've got proxy lab done, I'll be finished with my last project for the semester! (Well, okay, and a presentation for China class...hopefully that won't be a big deal, though.)
Um, proxy lab isn't nearly done...I guess I'll get on that. Tomorrow and the rest of the week are going to be BUSY.
29 April 2007
25 April 2007
24 And An Oil Change
So, I rag on Pittsburgh a LOT. Most everyone who's read this has heard me complain about either the weather, the crazy streets, the even crazier drivers, or the intensely annoying sports fans.
I will say this, though. Pittsburgh has the friendliest waiting rooms I've ever run into. Every single time I've been at a Dr's office or getting work done on my car or anything like that, I've noticed people just generally treating each other like humans.
In NOVA, there's a waiting room protocol. Basically, it says "Sit there quietly with your head down, preferably in a newspaper or magazine, and don't make eye contact. If there's a T.V., it's okay to watch as long as you aren't too obvious about it." Making eye contact usually gets translated to "I'm creepy; wanna mace me?"
In Pittsburgh, people talk. In a Dr's office waiting room recently, I watched two old ladies start comparing crochet strategies. Today I was getting some maintenance done on my car, and this middle aged man started talking with some lady about his car and insurance company. There was an Indian dude sitting near me who struck up a conversation with me about CMU (I was wearing a CMU sweatshirt and had my wrecking ball I mean backpack with me.) The funniest part happened at 2:00. The middle aged man checked his watch, and then said something like "Does anyone mind if I change the channel on the T.V.? Every afternoon at 2, Jack Bauer saves the world on A&E, and I'm addicted."
Most of us sitting there told him to go ahead and change it. The lady he'd been talking to immediately started complaining about "those violent shows" and how she prefers to watch things that make her laugh, or that have a happy ending. She was quietly overruled, and we all sat there watching 24 anyhow, with her making the occasional snide comment about how she wasn't paying ANY attention to it at all.
It was great. It was like some scene out of a dysfunctional family comedy. I've never, ever, seen complete strangers interact with each other on such a comfortable, casual level before. I think a lot of religions talk somewhat about that - about finding the "me" in every "you" and learning to recognize it, address it, interact with it, without even trying. I also think that a lot of people take that philosophy to inappropriate extremes, whether it be with loose sexual behaviors, or even worse - with that "I'm nice to everyone, because I'm a [xyz denomination] and that's what we do! Look at me being nice!!!LOL!!!ONE11" attitude. I contend that the highest respect you can pay someone is to just simply address them as a fellow human being without affectation or pretense.
I guess I should clarify that a bit, before I start coming across like some Marxist hippie weirdo (I kid, I kid). This isn't an argument for a classless society or for us to start addressing each other as "comrade" or anything else. Things like that seem just as forced and affected as a lot of other religious nuts' behavior. If anything, this is an argument to start trying LESS to "diversity" and "appreciate differences" (which really just leads to a lot of affectation) and to just - be, and let others be too.
I will say this, though. Pittsburgh has the friendliest waiting rooms I've ever run into. Every single time I've been at a Dr's office or getting work done on my car or anything like that, I've noticed people just generally treating each other like humans.
In NOVA, there's a waiting room protocol. Basically, it says "Sit there quietly with your head down, preferably in a newspaper or magazine, and don't make eye contact. If there's a T.V., it's okay to watch as long as you aren't too obvious about it." Making eye contact usually gets translated to "I'm creepy; wanna mace me?"
In Pittsburgh, people talk. In a Dr's office waiting room recently, I watched two old ladies start comparing crochet strategies. Today I was getting some maintenance done on my car, and this middle aged man started talking with some lady about his car and insurance company. There was an Indian dude sitting near me who struck up a conversation with me about CMU (I was wearing a CMU sweatshirt and had my wrecking ball I mean backpack with me.) The funniest part happened at 2:00. The middle aged man checked his watch, and then said something like "Does anyone mind if I change the channel on the T.V.? Every afternoon at 2, Jack Bauer saves the world on A&E, and I'm addicted."
Most of us sitting there told him to go ahead and change it. The lady he'd been talking to immediately started complaining about "those violent shows" and how she prefers to watch things that make her laugh, or that have a happy ending. She was quietly overruled, and we all sat there watching 24 anyhow, with her making the occasional snide comment about how she wasn't paying ANY attention to it at all.
It was great. It was like some scene out of a dysfunctional family comedy. I've never, ever, seen complete strangers interact with each other on such a comfortable, casual level before. I think a lot of religions talk somewhat about that - about finding the "me" in every "you" and learning to recognize it, address it, interact with it, without even trying. I also think that a lot of people take that philosophy to inappropriate extremes, whether it be with loose sexual behaviors, or even worse - with that "I'm nice to everyone, because I'm a [xyz denomination] and that's what we do! Look at me being nice!!!LOL!!!ONE11" attitude. I contend that the highest respect you can pay someone is to just simply address them as a fellow human being without affectation or pretense.
I guess I should clarify that a bit, before I start coming across like some Marxist hippie weirdo (I kid, I kid). This isn't an argument for a classless society or for us to start addressing each other as "comrade" or anything else. Things like that seem just as forced and affected as a lot of other religious nuts' behavior. If anything, this is an argument to start trying LESS to "diversity" and "appreciate differences" (which really just leads to a lot of affectation) and to just - be, and let others be too.
"You're A Travel Whore!"
Well, Christina, I prefer the term "Mistress of Travel", but whatever. :-D
I decided that instead of going on a road trip, I'm going to fly to the beach. It's actually going to be cheaper than driving (go figure...) I'm going to stay for three nights (Tues afternoon - Fri morning) and I hope that it'll end up being just what I need. It won't fix everything, no, but it will be a way for me to motivate myself through the end of the semester, and it'll be a chance to unwind and get my head on straight before starting work the next week.
And let's be perfectly clear - I'm not interested in going to get trashed, have random hookups, or anything of THAT sort. I'm not going to an area really focused on the college crowd, which is good...I just want someplace quiet and pretty.
I decided that instead of going on a road trip, I'm going to fly to the beach. It's actually going to be cheaper than driving (go figure...) I'm going to stay for three nights (Tues afternoon - Fri morning) and I hope that it'll end up being just what I need. It won't fix everything, no, but it will be a way for me to motivate myself through the end of the semester, and it'll be a chance to unwind and get my head on straight before starting work the next week.
And let's be perfectly clear - I'm not interested in going to get trashed, have random hookups, or anything of THAT sort. I'm not going to an area really focused on the college crowd, which is good...I just want someplace quiet and pretty.
23 April 2007
I Want Out
I am really depressed. More than that, I'm just numb, dejected, and empty. I want the world to just stop. Right now.
There's this kid that I went to middle school with, who goes to VT. I started reading his livejournal years ago as a freshman at CMU after adding him as a friend on facebook. He's in my brother's year (or maybe one above? I don't even remember), and after my brother ended up at VT he mentioned that he'd run into this guy on campus - that was pretty much the only reason I "friended" him. I read his livejournal once and really enjoyed his insight and perspective on life, and I kept reading it, checking once every week or three.
He lost his girlfriend, and a handful of other people, in the shootings. I want to reach out and show some kind of support, but at the same time - I don't even know him. Sure, we went to school together, but I only have about two memories of him from SSSAS; I'm not sure that he would remember me at all.
I cried today reading about his experiences being on campus without her - walking around to the places that reminded him of her, visiting her memorial.
I know a fair number of people at VT, and they've all been affected in varying degrees. It's not nearly as rough on me as it is on them, but I can't help being really, really, upset about it. Life at CMU just rushes on by, with all its end of semester stress and registration flurry, final projects and problem sets, and whatever social dramas come up.
I just want to scream. I want to scream, and yell, and call people's attention to the fact that people DIED, that something is really NOT OKAY with - something - I don't know what. I don't even fully understand or comprehend what happened at VT; part of me still feels really detached, even from those close to me that are there. I want time to think about what happened, to feel it, (to "grok" it, for those of you who've read Heinlein....) More than that, I NEED to do those things, because I've just been carrying it around with me for the past week in the back of my head, pushing it away while I try to deal with everything else that's exploded on me recently.
I almost slept through my 1130 class today, and for some reason showing up for a 0900 class tomorrow seems like an impossible task. I'm not even sure why I'm as upset as I am, or why it feels like someone attached rubber bands to my forehead, back, and chest. Ever since I got to CMU I've been really uncomfortable with the way that life just rushes by, people run around with noses in books, focused on leading, achieving, and "getting ahead." All of that's great, I guess, but it's getting really hard for me to stay with it, even a little bit. It just seems SO empty, and so fake and impersonal, and so - so everything that an emo little 15 year old who just read Catcher in the Rye for the first time could say.
I'm planning on taking a road trip by myself after final exams. I don't know yet where I'm going, but I have to go...I've been really overwhelmed recently by a lot of things, and by a lot of people. I wish I could go now. All I've been doing recently, all I did over the weekend, is procrastination. I don't get work done, but I don't actually give myself the time to decompress or figure things out because that would take a lot more time than I have right now.
Nearly everyone I know here is unhappy and stressed out. It just makes me wonder, "How much is too much?" Maybe I'm an idealist, but it doesn't seem reasonable that everyone feels overstretched, drained, and empty, and dull. What's the motivation for pushing so hard - when did it become wrong to want a manageable stress level, and everything else that goes along with a truly healthy lifestyle? I've said a thousand times before that I'm not opposed to hard work, and I'm not, everything here just seems excessive. The counseling center is booked weeks ahead in appointments, and this is with 90% of the people I know not even CONSIDERING talking to someone about how stressed out and overwhelemed, and hopeless, they are.
I don't know. I just don't know...I just want to hold it together to finish two problem sets and a proxy server, get B's on two final exams, and write two final papers. And then I want to take the summer and figure out how to never again end up in this mindset of "just scraping by..."
There's this kid that I went to middle school with, who goes to VT. I started reading his livejournal years ago as a freshman at CMU after adding him as a friend on facebook. He's in my brother's year (or maybe one above? I don't even remember), and after my brother ended up at VT he mentioned that he'd run into this guy on campus - that was pretty much the only reason I "friended" him. I read his livejournal once and really enjoyed his insight and perspective on life, and I kept reading it, checking once every week or three.
He lost his girlfriend, and a handful of other people, in the shootings. I want to reach out and show some kind of support, but at the same time - I don't even know him. Sure, we went to school together, but I only have about two memories of him from SSSAS; I'm not sure that he would remember me at all.
I cried today reading about his experiences being on campus without her - walking around to the places that reminded him of her, visiting her memorial.
I know a fair number of people at VT, and they've all been affected in varying degrees. It's not nearly as rough on me as it is on them, but I can't help being really, really, upset about it. Life at CMU just rushes on by, with all its end of semester stress and registration flurry, final projects and problem sets, and whatever social dramas come up.
I just want to scream. I want to scream, and yell, and call people's attention to the fact that people DIED, that something is really NOT OKAY with - something - I don't know what. I don't even fully understand or comprehend what happened at VT; part of me still feels really detached, even from those close to me that are there. I want time to think about what happened, to feel it, (to "grok" it, for those of you who've read Heinlein....) More than that, I NEED to do those things, because I've just been carrying it around with me for the past week in the back of my head, pushing it away while I try to deal with everything else that's exploded on me recently.
I almost slept through my 1130 class today, and for some reason showing up for a 0900 class tomorrow seems like an impossible task. I'm not even sure why I'm as upset as I am, or why it feels like someone attached rubber bands to my forehead, back, and chest. Ever since I got to CMU I've been really uncomfortable with the way that life just rushes by, people run around with noses in books, focused on leading, achieving, and "getting ahead." All of that's great, I guess, but it's getting really hard for me to stay with it, even a little bit. It just seems SO empty, and so fake and impersonal, and so - so everything that an emo little 15 year old who just read Catcher in the Rye for the first time could say.
I'm planning on taking a road trip by myself after final exams. I don't know yet where I'm going, but I have to go...I've been really overwhelmed recently by a lot of things, and by a lot of people. I wish I could go now. All I've been doing recently, all I did over the weekend, is procrastination. I don't get work done, but I don't actually give myself the time to decompress or figure things out because that would take a lot more time than I have right now.
Nearly everyone I know here is unhappy and stressed out. It just makes me wonder, "How much is too much?" Maybe I'm an idealist, but it doesn't seem reasonable that everyone feels overstretched, drained, and empty, and dull. What's the motivation for pushing so hard - when did it become wrong to want a manageable stress level, and everything else that goes along with a truly healthy lifestyle? I've said a thousand times before that I'm not opposed to hard work, and I'm not, everything here just seems excessive. The counseling center is booked weeks ahead in appointments, and this is with 90% of the people I know not even CONSIDERING talking to someone about how stressed out and overwhelemed, and hopeless, they are.
I don't know. I just don't know...I just want to hold it together to finish two problem sets and a proxy server, get B's on two final exams, and write two final papers. And then I want to take the summer and figure out how to never again end up in this mindset of "just scraping by..."
22 April 2007
Stupidity
I bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday. Between yesterday and today, I smoked about half of them, and I'm done. No more. I thought about writing this in terms of "Well, life has sucked so bad recently and I've been so upset that I just had to..." but it's not true. It's not true, and I'm really uncomfortable with making excuses...smoking wouldn't change any of the things that have made me really upset and stressed out recently, and I haven't deluded myeslf into thinking that it would. For some reason, and I've alluded to this before, I've occasionally craved cigarettes, and I've been able to imagine myself smoking really easily. Hard to explain; just seemed like it could fit in with who I was. The only reason I can think of for me thinking/feeling that is just that I've always been really good at putting "images" together, and I can definitely fall into that sardonic, flippant, persona that always seems to have a cig hanging between two fingers - except until yesterday I never actually had the cigarette.
So, anyhow, I had a chunk of free time. It was a beautiful day. I bought a pack, and Tom and I went and sat on the cut, enjoying the sunshine and smoking. I won't lie, it was an enjoyable afternoon. The sun hadn't been out like that - with a cloudless sky that stayed cloudless for the whole day - in literally weeks and weeks, and it was just perfect and lazy and sleepy. Interestingly enough, I also didn't have any of the allergic reactions I normally get from being around cigarettes. I'd heard of that sort of suddent "allergy disappearance" happening before, and was kind of curious as to if it'd happen with me. (At the same time - with that perfect 20/20 retrospect, I'm not sure that I could have been much stupider - what if I HAD had some kind of response to it, like, an asthmatic one? I didn't have my inhalor, and I wasn't anywhere near my dorm...stupid. I didn't even think about it.)
I had a couple more tonight, too close together, and got sick from it...which is probably a good thing, since now I don't want any more. I hadn't been planning on smoking more than the pack I'd gotten, but who ever does? I don't know. It was somewhat euphoric, I guess, but really fleeting. Most people could probably draw that conclusion without ever putting themselves through the actual experience; I'm not sure why I decided to go for it. Most people have such a knee-jerk reaction to things like smoking, and I guess it's partially justified, but...I don't know. Does the fact that I bought a pack and had some change the person I really am? I didn't think so, but I saw the way it affected the few people who noticed what I was up to. I felt bad for disappointing them.
Life is tricky sometimes. I don't have any good reasons for smoking, and I'm certainly not going to become a "smoker", and I can understand why it upset and disappointed those who really care for me...regardless, I was really craving understanding, or at least I was trying to avoid having to feel bad for letting people down. At the same time, how "understanding" and "caring" is it to support someone you care about doing something that's actually nothing besides BAD for them? I thought about it, and do I hate letting people down. But even moreso, I do think that there is a difference between loving someone and "supporting" (maybe encouraging is a better word?) an infinite number of poor choices. I guess it partially comes down to trust - trusting that the people in my life do understand me and actually care for me enough that when I disappoint them, it's probably beacuse I'm doing something that's really not a good idea anyhow. People usually aren't just irrationally judgmental, even if it seems that way. So, I guess that's an argument both in favor of really being open to the concerns of those close to you, as well as trying to find the right ways to reach out to someone you care about.
So, I'm sorry to everyone that I've upset recently (and not just over the smoking thing...) Things HAVE been really upside down for me, and it's going to take some time for me to really get back to being myself. I'm going to need time, and space. I can't express how much I appreciate the support and care of so many of you; I also want to be sure that I'm not rushing around grabbing at things instead of slowing down to really make some wise changes. I feel like I'm in this phase where a lot of people are counting on me to be a certain way while I'm two steps away from doing things that would really really hurt them, all the while just trying to get back to being myself. I'm really afraid of hurting people who are doing their best to just be there for me. I also haven't been taking enough time for myself - I'm an introvert; sometimes I need to just sit around reading and listening to music, or soaking in the tub. I know how easy it is to take it personally when it seems like someone's not up for hanging out or going out when they don't seem to be doing anything else at the time either...but really, it's just the way we introverts are. If I have time to myself, I feel much more calm and confident, and I'm much nicer to be around.
Next year is going to be quite a bit different than the past few years have been. I got accepted to do research for an honors thesis, so I'm going to be doing that instead of a capstone design course. That plus my earlier decision to not hold any leadership positions should let me try a bit of a different lifestyle, and hopefully it'll be a really rewarding, productive year.
So, yeah. Tomorow I'm going to sleep in, and then get caugh up on some work. Here's to the rest of the semester after a really relaxing weekend, and here's to the imminent summer.
So, anyhow, I had a chunk of free time. It was a beautiful day. I bought a pack, and Tom and I went and sat on the cut, enjoying the sunshine and smoking. I won't lie, it was an enjoyable afternoon. The sun hadn't been out like that - with a cloudless sky that stayed cloudless for the whole day - in literally weeks and weeks, and it was just perfect and lazy and sleepy. Interestingly enough, I also didn't have any of the allergic reactions I normally get from being around cigarettes. I'd heard of that sort of suddent "allergy disappearance" happening before, and was kind of curious as to if it'd happen with me. (At the same time - with that perfect 20/20 retrospect, I'm not sure that I could have been much stupider - what if I HAD had some kind of response to it, like, an asthmatic one? I didn't have my inhalor, and I wasn't anywhere near my dorm...stupid. I didn't even think about it.)
I had a couple more tonight, too close together, and got sick from it...which is probably a good thing, since now I don't want any more. I hadn't been planning on smoking more than the pack I'd gotten, but who ever does? I don't know. It was somewhat euphoric, I guess, but really fleeting. Most people could probably draw that conclusion without ever putting themselves through the actual experience; I'm not sure why I decided to go for it. Most people have such a knee-jerk reaction to things like smoking, and I guess it's partially justified, but...I don't know. Does the fact that I bought a pack and had some change the person I really am? I didn't think so, but I saw the way it affected the few people who noticed what I was up to. I felt bad for disappointing them.
Life is tricky sometimes. I don't have any good reasons for smoking, and I'm certainly not going to become a "smoker", and I can understand why it upset and disappointed those who really care for me...regardless, I was really craving understanding, or at least I was trying to avoid having to feel bad for letting people down. At the same time, how "understanding" and "caring" is it to support someone you care about doing something that's actually nothing besides BAD for them? I thought about it, and do I hate letting people down. But even moreso, I do think that there is a difference between loving someone and "supporting" (maybe encouraging is a better word?) an infinite number of poor choices. I guess it partially comes down to trust - trusting that the people in my life do understand me and actually care for me enough that when I disappoint them, it's probably beacuse I'm doing something that's really not a good idea anyhow. People usually aren't just irrationally judgmental, even if it seems that way. So, I guess that's an argument both in favor of really being open to the concerns of those close to you, as well as trying to find the right ways to reach out to someone you care about.
So, I'm sorry to everyone that I've upset recently (and not just over the smoking thing...) Things HAVE been really upside down for me, and it's going to take some time for me to really get back to being myself. I'm going to need time, and space. I can't express how much I appreciate the support and care of so many of you; I also want to be sure that I'm not rushing around grabbing at things instead of slowing down to really make some wise changes. I feel like I'm in this phase where a lot of people are counting on me to be a certain way while I'm two steps away from doing things that would really really hurt them, all the while just trying to get back to being myself. I'm really afraid of hurting people who are doing their best to just be there for me. I also haven't been taking enough time for myself - I'm an introvert; sometimes I need to just sit around reading and listening to music, or soaking in the tub. I know how easy it is to take it personally when it seems like someone's not up for hanging out or going out when they don't seem to be doing anything else at the time either...but really, it's just the way we introverts are. If I have time to myself, I feel much more calm and confident, and I'm much nicer to be around.
Next year is going to be quite a bit different than the past few years have been. I got accepted to do research for an honors thesis, so I'm going to be doing that instead of a capstone design course. That plus my earlier decision to not hold any leadership positions should let me try a bit of a different lifestyle, and hopefully it'll be a really rewarding, productive year.
So, yeah. Tomorow I'm going to sleep in, and then get caugh up on some work. Here's to the rest of the semester after a really relaxing weekend, and here's to the imminent summer.
19 April 2007
Better
Today's been a much better day than I expected. I got up kinda late and headed over to midway, and helped out there until opening. It was really good to be useful, and do things right, and actually feel like I contributed to something tangible. (Even if it was really no more tangible than cleaning up the messes made by silly frat boys). I came back, started some laundry, and cleaned up my bedroom and bathroom. I haven't done any school related stuff today, and it's been nice.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and praying. It's going to take awhile for life to settle out and for things to get on the right track, but I think they're headed in the right direction, hopefully. There's only so much I can do, and then I just have to stad back with fingers crossed...
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and praying. It's going to take awhile for life to settle out and for things to get on the right track, but I think they're headed in the right direction, hopefully. There's only so much I can do, and then I just have to stad back with fingers crossed...
Nightmares
More odd dreams lately.
Last night I dreamt I was at a hostel or something with T.j. We were there with a bunch of people for some seminar or something. T.j. and I had a fight, and the next thing I knew he and Kara were sleeping in my bed at the hostel. I asked him about it and he said that she wasn't feeling well and I needed to understand. I told him that I wasn't feeling well that they'd just stolen my bed, and I wasn't feeling well either. He just walked away, and I felt like screaming. I tried to find someone else to tell, but whenever I got near people they either vanished or started eating fried chicken. I wanted to go to bed but I couldn't...I just wandered around until daybreak the next day, on the verge of hysteria. When dawn finally came, they were still in my bed. I pulled him out hysterically and begged him to do something about her, and he just turned his head away from me. By then the next wave of people were arriving for the seminar, so I went with them to go through their arrival routine, sobbing and whimpering. It was all I could do.
Last night I dreamt I was at a hostel or something with T.j. We were there with a bunch of people for some seminar or something. T.j. and I had a fight, and the next thing I knew he and Kara were sleeping in my bed at the hostel. I asked him about it and he said that she wasn't feeling well and I needed to understand. I told him that I wasn't feeling well that they'd just stolen my bed, and I wasn't feeling well either. He just walked away, and I felt like screaming. I tried to find someone else to tell, but whenever I got near people they either vanished or started eating fried chicken. I wanted to go to bed but I couldn't...I just wandered around until daybreak the next day, on the verge of hysteria. When dawn finally came, they were still in my bed. I pulled him out hysterically and begged him to do something about her, and he just turned his head away from me. By then the next wave of people were arriving for the seminar, so I went with them to go through their arrival routine, sobbing and whimpering. It was all I could do.
16 April 2007
Part II
When it rains, it pours, and also sometimes snows.
I spent all of Friday night in the hospital with a close friend who had a really bad accident with a handheld circular saw. I was very glad to be able to be there for him, and to stay by his side until he went into surgery, but it was overall a very nerve wracking experience. I generally don't take to blood and gore all that well (unless it's part of a slasher flick, for some reason) but I held it together while I was with him in the ER (some of his frat brothers were there also, which was really good) and then pre-op just fine. I waited until he was finished in surgery, and called his parents, and took care of everything just fine...then I got home and everything hit me, hard, everything from the past 10 hours in the hospital to all the shitty grades I'd gotten the past week and a lot of just HUGE frustrations with life in general. I called my parents crying and generally freaked out about life, and they actually just dropped everything and drove up to visit me Saturday evening. It was such a kind, caring, gesture...things like that make me remember what family means, and make me realize how truly lucky I am to have such loving people in my life.
Saturday and Sunday I also spent recovering from getting really sick. My allergies have been playing hell with me for a few weeks now, and the night without sleep really did me in. My parents brought me some food before taking off again Sunday early afternoon, and again...it meant a lot that they would just drop everything going on in their own busy lives just to have two meals with me and make sure everything was okay. That's love.
Today was nightmareish in another way, with the shootings at VT. I still have a really sick feeling in my gut about it all. I'm glad that everyone really close to me that goes there is okay and still alive. It's terribly surreal to hear about something on the news and be so connected to people who are right there, in the middle of it. It hit me today that with a student population of 22,000 there are a LOT of people who are going to be affected, a LOT of people who are going to feel just as connected to it as I do...it seems like most college kids are going to be affected in one way or another. There are kids I barely know that lost someone close to them, and it's just enough to make one really stop and pause, and perhaps pray. It's so disgusting, and so disturbing, and seems so close that it's as hard not to think about as it is to keep mentally returning to. Being at the ER this past weekend put a lot of images in my head that I'd rather not have right now (nothing to do with the friend that was actually there, just thoughts about pain and injury and hospitals and bleh)...
I've got a 4 hour shift for Carnival on midway, from midnight to 4am, and then a few hours of sleep, and then three hours of classes, maybe more sleep, a trip to the grocery store, and an ice cream social. Hopefully it's just be a calm, normal day.
And if you could, even if you don't normally go to church or whatever...say some prayers or offer some good thoughts for all those kids at VT.
I spent all of Friday night in the hospital with a close friend who had a really bad accident with a handheld circular saw. I was very glad to be able to be there for him, and to stay by his side until he went into surgery, but it was overall a very nerve wracking experience. I generally don't take to blood and gore all that well (unless it's part of a slasher flick, for some reason) but I held it together while I was with him in the ER (some of his frat brothers were there also, which was really good) and then pre-op just fine. I waited until he was finished in surgery, and called his parents, and took care of everything just fine...then I got home and everything hit me, hard, everything from the past 10 hours in the hospital to all the shitty grades I'd gotten the past week and a lot of just HUGE frustrations with life in general. I called my parents crying and generally freaked out about life, and they actually just dropped everything and drove up to visit me Saturday evening. It was such a kind, caring, gesture...things like that make me remember what family means, and make me realize how truly lucky I am to have such loving people in my life.
Saturday and Sunday I also spent recovering from getting really sick. My allergies have been playing hell with me for a few weeks now, and the night without sleep really did me in. My parents brought me some food before taking off again Sunday early afternoon, and again...it meant a lot that they would just drop everything going on in their own busy lives just to have two meals with me and make sure everything was okay. That's love.
Today was nightmareish in another way, with the shootings at VT. I still have a really sick feeling in my gut about it all. I'm glad that everyone really close to me that goes there is okay and still alive. It's terribly surreal to hear about something on the news and be so connected to people who are right there, in the middle of it. It hit me today that with a student population of 22,000 there are a LOT of people who are going to be affected, a LOT of people who are going to feel just as connected to it as I do...it seems like most college kids are going to be affected in one way or another. There are kids I barely know that lost someone close to them, and it's just enough to make one really stop and pause, and perhaps pray. It's so disgusting, and so disturbing, and seems so close that it's as hard not to think about as it is to keep mentally returning to. Being at the ER this past weekend put a lot of images in my head that I'd rather not have right now (nothing to do with the friend that was actually there, just thoughts about pain and injury and hospitals and bleh)...
I've got a 4 hour shift for Carnival on midway, from midnight to 4am, and then a few hours of sleep, and then three hours of classes, maybe more sleep, a trip to the grocery store, and an ice cream social. Hopefully it's just be a calm, normal day.
And if you could, even if you don't normally go to church or whatever...say some prayers or offer some good thoughts for all those kids at VT.
11 April 2007
The Sound of Washing Machines and Driers
This week has been really...shitty. I only feel great about the way one of my tests went, and it wasn't one of the classes I needed to do well in.
One of my professors from sophomore year saw me standing outside, trying to call someone and looking really upset, and he actually stopped to ask how I was and what was wrong. It was really kind. There are a lot of nice people around here.
I'm not outwardly stressed. Last spring I was outwardly stresed, and I felt a lot more emotionally strung out. Now I just feel...detached. I'm not sure if that's better or worse. It's like I have so much on my mind that I can't focus on anything long enough to really get upset about it. Maybe I'm just better at blocking things out. Who knows.
One of my professors from sophomore year saw me standing outside, trying to call someone and looking really upset, and he actually stopped to ask how I was and what was wrong. It was really kind. There are a lot of nice people around here.
I'm not outwardly stressed. Last spring I was outwardly stresed, and I felt a lot more emotionally strung out. Now I just feel...detached. I'm not sure if that's better or worse. It's like I have so much on my mind that I can't focus on anything long enough to really get upset about it. Maybe I'm just better at blocking things out. Who knows.
09 April 2007
Glass And Things
Alicia was genuinely frightened. The man in the driver's seat looked less and less like a taxi driver as the minutes dragged by. Dark shadows crept in through the window on her side, invited in by the broken headlight on the passenger's side of the car. In the daylight, the car had looked like the best of the line - shiny and clean, and with "A Ride As Easy As Air" painted on the side.
"Chandler Drive? Sure, I know the place! I just replaced my car, and it drives great. This is going to be great!" he'd said.
It was only after the driver got lost, turned around, and got lost again while turning around that Alicia started to worry. As the night approached, the man became more and more terse, driving the car almost as though he had a grudge against the very machinery that was carrying the two through the nearly deserted streets in (relative) safety and comfort. He stopped avoiding potholes and other obstacles, and when she started feeling a bruise forming on her arm from hitting the car door time after time she asked him to try and drive a bit more sensibly. He responded by driving more directly for the potholes, forcing Alicia to brace herself more effectively against the onslaught.
"Please!" she begged. "I only wanted to go home. I can even show you how to get there; it's not even that much farther."
"This is the way home," replied the man, looking ahead with a vacant expression.
Crack! Alicia jumped, hitting her head on the roof as the taxi plowed into some low-hanging branches. "Can't you watch where you're driving?" she pleaded. "Can't you just take it a bit easier?"
"My car. Doesn't concern you. Just getting you home, like I said I would."
Alicia set her teeth and resigned herself to making it home, but just barely. She was already too late for her dinner appointment, and with secret relief she settled in for the ride. When they got home, she'd take a bath and relax.
They stopped at a red light, and Alicia shifted her weight anxiously. She noticed with a growing anxiety that altough the light finally turned green, the taxi wasn't accelerating at all. The driver just sat there, watching in the rearview mirror. Thud! The girl couldn't suppress her scream of terror as a semi plowed into the back of the yellow car. Glass and debris flew everywhere and Alicia found herself pinned against the dashboard. Hardly breathing, she tried to loosen herself from her position.
Looking around for the taxidriver, Alicia noticed him standing outside the car. She motioned frantically with her neck for him to come nearer, but he kept his distance.
"I can't help you," he muttered. "You should have held on better. Not my fault that you rode in my old car with me. I have to call the insurance company. When they hear that I was in an accident that wasn't my fault, they'll give me a new car for real, instead of a lousy paint job. When I get a new car I'll pull you out and drive you home, just like you wanted. I need a new car though, for such a nice girl as you."
Alicia's eyes widened in terror. She tried again, in vain, to free herself, but it was too late. She closed her eyes against the curtain of blood lowering itself over her face, and waited for the darkness. Her bruises and scratches melted together into one, and she yielded herself to the sticky cocoon waiting for her. If she was unconscious, the wait would be more bearable.
When she woke up and he'd obtained his new car, she hoped that he would offer her another ride home.
"Chandler Drive? Sure, I know the place! I just replaced my car, and it drives great. This is going to be great!" he'd said.
It was only after the driver got lost, turned around, and got lost again while turning around that Alicia started to worry. As the night approached, the man became more and more terse, driving the car almost as though he had a grudge against the very machinery that was carrying the two through the nearly deserted streets in (relative) safety and comfort. He stopped avoiding potholes and other obstacles, and when she started feeling a bruise forming on her arm from hitting the car door time after time she asked him to try and drive a bit more sensibly. He responded by driving more directly for the potholes, forcing Alicia to brace herself more effectively against the onslaught.
"Please!" she begged. "I only wanted to go home. I can even show you how to get there; it's not even that much farther."
"This is the way home," replied the man, looking ahead with a vacant expression.
Crack! Alicia jumped, hitting her head on the roof as the taxi plowed into some low-hanging branches. "Can't you watch where you're driving?" she pleaded. "Can't you just take it a bit easier?"
"My car. Doesn't concern you. Just getting you home, like I said I would."
Alicia set her teeth and resigned herself to making it home, but just barely. She was already too late for her dinner appointment, and with secret relief she settled in for the ride. When they got home, she'd take a bath and relax.
They stopped at a red light, and Alicia shifted her weight anxiously. She noticed with a growing anxiety that altough the light finally turned green, the taxi wasn't accelerating at all. The driver just sat there, watching in the rearview mirror. Thud! The girl couldn't suppress her scream of terror as a semi plowed into the back of the yellow car. Glass and debris flew everywhere and Alicia found herself pinned against the dashboard. Hardly breathing, she tried to loosen herself from her position.
Looking around for the taxidriver, Alicia noticed him standing outside the car. She motioned frantically with her neck for him to come nearer, but he kept his distance.
"I can't help you," he muttered. "You should have held on better. Not my fault that you rode in my old car with me. I have to call the insurance company. When they hear that I was in an accident that wasn't my fault, they'll give me a new car for real, instead of a lousy paint job. When I get a new car I'll pull you out and drive you home, just like you wanted. I need a new car though, for such a nice girl as you."
Alicia's eyes widened in terror. She tried again, in vain, to free herself, but it was too late. She closed her eyes against the curtain of blood lowering itself over her face, and waited for the darkness. Her bruises and scratches melted together into one, and she yielded herself to the sticky cocoon waiting for her. If she was unconscious, the wait would be more bearable.
When she woke up and he'd obtained his new car, she hoped that he would offer her another ride home.
08 April 2007
Everyone Has An Opinion
I'm afraid I'm about to stir up more shit than this is really worth, but I'm curious...
I've been talking to a lot of people recently about religion, and God, and various religious views. I've reached a few startling, and a bit unsettling, conclusions. I'd like to see if my conclusions are justified at all.
So, if you like, take a stab at the following question:
What is the ultimate reason for doing good works?
Possible answers could include:
Simply to make life better for others; in order to please God and thus get into heaven; in order to show love to God and others; because God said so; etc.
If you could, please also mention what relgion or spiritual beliefs you subscribe to, if any.
I've been talking to a lot of people recently about religion, and God, and various religious views. I've reached a few startling, and a bit unsettling, conclusions. I'd like to see if my conclusions are justified at all.
So, if you like, take a stab at the following question:
What is the ultimate reason for doing good works?
Possible answers could include:
Simply to make life better for others; in order to please God and thus get into heaven; in order to show love to God and others; because God said so; etc.
If you could, please also mention what relgion or spiritual beliefs you subscribe to, if any.
05 April 2007
Tests, Anyone?
Next few weeks are going to be a bit ...busy...
Monday: Graph Theory Midterm II, part I; meeting
Tuesday: Computer Systems Miderm, International Organizations Midterm; meeting
Wednesday: Graph Theory Midterm II, part II
Friday: Move-on for Carnival
Saturday: Coordinator shift for carnival
Tuesday: Running a Social Event
Wednesday: Meeting(s)
Thursday: Carnival
Friday: Carnival
Saturday: Carnival, coordinator shift
Sunday: Tear Down
Monday: Homework Due
Tuesday: Malloc lab due (by malloc lab I mean...implementing malloc in a non-stupid fashion)
None of that's too bad, I just need to find a few days to sit down and get malloc done. It's probably going to be right in the middle of Carnival, which kind of sucks, but at least I'll have a few solid days sans classes. And this weekend I need to study a LOT; I did a lot worse than I should have on the previous computer systems and graph theory midterms, so the pressure is on... I also need to write a resume (which I've been completely neglegent in doing) and get a transcript into my faculty mentor soon so I can hopefully do research for him next year.
On another topic, I've been learning a lot recently about people and what motivates them, and what they do to derive a sense of personal significance from life. There are so many different ways to approach life; truly understanding someone involves understanding the way they choose to do so. I think loving someone involves being comfortable with and supporting the way they do so, and perhaps supplanting it. It's so easy to lose sight of the fact that emotional currency for one person comes across as something completely different to another; I do also think that there are some invalid (or at least unhealthy) forms of emotional currency. Perhaps it's not fair to make values judgments like that, but it's who I am.
Monday: Graph Theory Midterm II, part I; meeting
Tuesday: Computer Systems Miderm, International Organizations Midterm; meeting
Wednesday: Graph Theory Midterm II, part II
Friday: Move-on for Carnival
Saturday: Coordinator shift for carnival
Tuesday: Running a Social Event
Wednesday: Meeting(s)
Thursday: Carnival
Friday: Carnival
Saturday: Carnival, coordinator shift
Sunday: Tear Down
Monday: Homework Due
Tuesday: Malloc lab due (by malloc lab I mean...implementing malloc in a non-stupid fashion)
None of that's too bad, I just need to find a few days to sit down and get malloc done. It's probably going to be right in the middle of Carnival, which kind of sucks, but at least I'll have a few solid days sans classes. And this weekend I need to study a LOT; I did a lot worse than I should have on the previous computer systems and graph theory midterms, so the pressure is on... I also need to write a resume (which I've been completely neglegent in doing) and get a transcript into my faculty mentor soon so I can hopefully do research for him next year.
On another topic, I've been learning a lot recently about people and what motivates them, and what they do to derive a sense of personal significance from life. There are so many different ways to approach life; truly understanding someone involves understanding the way they choose to do so. I think loving someone involves being comfortable with and supporting the way they do so, and perhaps supplanting it. It's so easy to lose sight of the fact that emotional currency for one person comes across as something completely different to another; I do also think that there are some invalid (or at least unhealthy) forms of emotional currency. Perhaps it's not fair to make values judgments like that, but it's who I am.
03 April 2007
Rita's Ice Is Delicious
Really, all I was trying to get at is the fact that sometimes things turn out completely differently than we expect, and in spite of how observant and introspective we think we are, it can still be difficult (if not impossible) to see why things end up the way they do.
02 April 2007
The Shuttle Run
Gym class always made Alicia vaguely uneasy. She didn't like the sickeningly bright glow of the lights in the new gym, nor did she enjoy the way the smell of floor polish and rubber assaulted her nostrils.
She did like changing, though. Moving from the academic uniform of a plaid navy jumper with a white blouse to the physical educaiton uniform consisting of black shorts and a grey shirt with the school's logo always gave the third grader a comforting sense of putting, and keeping, things in their place. If only they could just change and go outside and be by themselves!
She sat nervously with one ankle tucked beneath her, hugging the other knee to her chest while checking again and again that she was at the correct place in line. Mr. Cummings, the gym teacher, strode in and blew his whistle.
Alicia didn't like Mr. Cummings, either. He was a huge bear of a man, at least six feet tall, barrel chested with a big nose and dark hair. His big black moustache dominated his squareish, average face and perfectly matched his eyebrows.
"Okay!" He said. Mr. Cummings wasn't really a bad man, he just expected a lot, and Alicia wasn't a good athlete like some of the kids in the class. "Today we're practicing the shuttle run. Count off in threes, and then line up with the first person on the white line."
Alicia mentally counted ahead of the students queuing up, and realized to her satisfaction that she was going to be with two boys, Mike and Eric. They were two of the fastest runners in the class, so even if she slowed the team down, they definitely wouldn't come in last. With the last of the groups sidling over to the white line, Mr. Cummings measured off the correct number of yards and put a masking tape line across from the students.
"Okay, just the way we've always done. Run out, tag the line - make sure you TOUCH the tape - run back, and tag the next person. Wait for my whistle! First runners, take your mark!"
Alicia was in line behind both of the boys. She would have preferred to be the middle runner, but the boys seemed to have forgotten that she was there at all. No matter; Mike and Eric were good runners. She shifted her weight anxiously, and flinched a bit as the whistle sounded. Before she knew it, Mike had gone "out and back" and Eric was off running.
Alicia readied herself at the line, and felt her heart surge with anticipation and excitement when she realized that Eric was at least half a length ahead of all the other kids. They could win, even with her average pacing! The kid stumbled across the line, smacking her hand in a breathless fury and Alicia was off. She could hardly breathe as she bent down, slapping the tape in a carefully careless gesture, and turned to sprint back. As she neared the white line, she hazarded a glance to the right - left - her team was going to win!
The other teams finished soon after, and Alicia looked at Mr. Cummings with a practiced indifferent look, expecting to smile with relief when he acknowledged her team's victory. To her surprise, he addressed the second place group. "Good going! Nicely run."
He looked over at Alicia's team. Did he make eye contact with her? "Didn't tag up at the tape. Gotta be better about touching the ground." Alicia opened her mouth to protest, then shut it again. What was he talking about? "Sucks," whined Mike.
After class, Alicia climbed back into her navy-plaid jumper with some relief.
She did like changing, though. Moving from the academic uniform of a plaid navy jumper with a white blouse to the physical educaiton uniform consisting of black shorts and a grey shirt with the school's logo always gave the third grader a comforting sense of putting, and keeping, things in their place. If only they could just change and go outside and be by themselves!
She sat nervously with one ankle tucked beneath her, hugging the other knee to her chest while checking again and again that she was at the correct place in line. Mr. Cummings, the gym teacher, strode in and blew his whistle.
Alicia didn't like Mr. Cummings, either. He was a huge bear of a man, at least six feet tall, barrel chested with a big nose and dark hair. His big black moustache dominated his squareish, average face and perfectly matched his eyebrows.
"Okay!" He said. Mr. Cummings wasn't really a bad man, he just expected a lot, and Alicia wasn't a good athlete like some of the kids in the class. "Today we're practicing the shuttle run. Count off in threes, and then line up with the first person on the white line."
Alicia mentally counted ahead of the students queuing up, and realized to her satisfaction that she was going to be with two boys, Mike and Eric. They were two of the fastest runners in the class, so even if she slowed the team down, they definitely wouldn't come in last. With the last of the groups sidling over to the white line, Mr. Cummings measured off the correct number of yards and put a masking tape line across from the students.
"Okay, just the way we've always done. Run out, tag the line - make sure you TOUCH the tape - run back, and tag the next person. Wait for my whistle! First runners, take your mark!"
Alicia was in line behind both of the boys. She would have preferred to be the middle runner, but the boys seemed to have forgotten that she was there at all. No matter; Mike and Eric were good runners. She shifted her weight anxiously, and flinched a bit as the whistle sounded. Before she knew it, Mike had gone "out and back" and Eric was off running.
Alicia readied herself at the line, and felt her heart surge with anticipation and excitement when she realized that Eric was at least half a length ahead of all the other kids. They could win, even with her average pacing! The kid stumbled across the line, smacking her hand in a breathless fury and Alicia was off. She could hardly breathe as she bent down, slapping the tape in a carefully careless gesture, and turned to sprint back. As she neared the white line, she hazarded a glance to the right - left - her team was going to win!
The other teams finished soon after, and Alicia looked at Mr. Cummings with a practiced indifferent look, expecting to smile with relief when he acknowledged her team's victory. To her surprise, he addressed the second place group. "Good going! Nicely run."
He looked over at Alicia's team. Did he make eye contact with her? "Didn't tag up at the tape. Gotta be better about touching the ground." Alicia opened her mouth to protest, then shut it again. What was he talking about? "Sucks," whined Mike.
After class, Alicia climbed back into her navy-plaid jumper with some relief.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)