I abhor trying to collaborate on anything, in any facet of life, with a person that is so utterly listless and disengaged that they can't be bothered to give me any sort of complete answer to the questions I have, and then when I take initiative to try and be useful anyway, they can't even be compelled to make use of anything I try to do to assist them. It's even worse being in a position of having to rely on these people (and their arbitrary judgment of whether or not you're "worth" helping, or whether or not they "feel" like getting off their asses to be a part of the team) to get anything done.
Sometimes I'm way too sensitive. I'll take it personally when people brush me off and refuse to engage enough to let me learn enough to help them, even though I should know that it has nothing to do with me and more to do with them and their attitude. But I end up feeling so naive, and so small, as a result of getting treated like it's just not worth anyone's time to have any kind of productive exchange when I try to extend myself. I'm sorry but few people in life are so perfectly capable and competent and on top of their shit as to truly be burdened and held back by someone who just wants to find out enough to help, and I'm sick of getting treated like that.
I know it's supposed to be a part of growing up: getting used to the fact that there's no controlling or programming the way that other people act and feel, and that it's useless and unproductive to waste time and energy feeling upset about it. So, this should be a valuable opportunity for me to get good at being mature and taking the high road, finding ways around unproductive people and situations. I should be excited! I can be such a better person from this!
But mostly I just want to scream.
BAH!!!!!!!
29 July 2009
24 July 2009
Messages
So, I learned my lesson from my last post. Shortly after I put it up, I realized that a handful of my friends (whom I guess read this?) were having somewhat awkward conversations with me. It was like...everyone...was being careful about what they said.
Whoops. That's a danger of the digital age, I guess. I had been referring to one specific situation with one specific person, and everyone wondered if I was talking about them? Awkward. So I took the post down. I guess a better idea would have been to just have personal conversations a) with people I might seek advice from, and b) with the person I was frustrated with.
Also, I've noticed that when I'm bored I tend to get really frustrated, really easily. It's like I'm happier when I have lots of (intellectually, not emotionally) challenging thing on my plate. Isn't it supposed to work the other way around? What gives? You would think that even if being bored isn't optimal, I wouldn't be necessarily *grouchy* or more argumentative as a result, but sometimes I definitely seem to be.
In other news, the US and N Korea appear to have degenerated to finger pointing and name calling.
Whoops. That's a danger of the digital age, I guess. I had been referring to one specific situation with one specific person, and everyone wondered if I was talking about them? Awkward. So I took the post down. I guess a better idea would have been to just have personal conversations a) with people I might seek advice from, and b) with the person I was frustrated with.
Also, I've noticed that when I'm bored I tend to get really frustrated, really easily. It's like I'm happier when I have lots of (intellectually, not emotionally) challenging thing on my plate. Isn't it supposed to work the other way around? What gives? You would think that even if being bored isn't optimal, I wouldn't be necessarily *grouchy* or more argumentative as a result, but sometimes I definitely seem to be.
In other news, the US and N Korea appear to have degenerated to finger pointing and name calling.
10 July 2009
Lists
Things I loved about being overseas:
- Learning to drive on the other side of the road
- Small, functional grocery stores without much bloat
- Amazing food (particularly Indian food...)
- Good beer
- Courtesy as a default, not as an exception
- Some of the most peaceful countryside imaginable
- Castles and buildings much older than the US
- Choral Evensong
- Outstanding public transportation
- Equal access to "city" events as well as relaxing spots in the countryside
- TV that wasn't total rubbish
- TV that was total rubbish, just a different kind of rubbish
Things that make me glad to be back in the US:
- Baseball/SportsCenter on ESPN (vice Cricket on SKY)
- People with accents that are more southern than mine
- Jack Daniels
- Steaks big enough to be worth eating
- Mass (I only saw one Catholic Church in two months; it was on the Welsh coast...)
- Friends & Family
- Feeling more able to understand others and communicate with them
- More variety on the radio/tv
- Manageably sized plugs for electronics
- Friends & family
- The comfort of being home
- Making use of the "Discover America" pamphlet that Colin and I picked up at a rest stop in Yorkshire
I think it's fair to say that I changed a bit over the past couple months. I definitely feel more independent, and in a lot of ways more clear-headed and sure of myself. It was great to have a big break in my routine and to find myself in a series of totally new situations, learning to adapt. Coming back is always a little bittersweet, but I think it's fair to say that I got what I wanted out of the trip. I'm feeling pretty excited about life at home, and like I worked myself out of some of the rut I felt like I was in before I left.
Still no major insight on "what I want to do when I grow up" - right now I have a good job, and I'm taking interesting classes, and I really can't complain at all. I think at some point I'd really like to work for myself.
- Learning to drive on the other side of the road
- Small, functional grocery stores without much bloat
- Amazing food (particularly Indian food...)
- Good beer
- Courtesy as a default, not as an exception
- Some of the most peaceful countryside imaginable
- Castles and buildings much older than the US
- Choral Evensong
- Outstanding public transportation
- Equal access to "city" events as well as relaxing spots in the countryside
- TV that wasn't total rubbish
- TV that was total rubbish, just a different kind of rubbish
Things that make me glad to be back in the US:
- Baseball/SportsCenter on ESPN (vice Cricket on SKY)
- People with accents that are more southern than mine
- Jack Daniels
- Steaks big enough to be worth eating
- Mass (I only saw one Catholic Church in two months; it was on the Welsh coast...)
- Friends & Family
- Feeling more able to understand others and communicate with them
- More variety on the radio/tv
- Manageably sized plugs for electronics
- Friends & family
- The comfort of being home
- Making use of the "Discover America" pamphlet that Colin and I picked up at a rest stop in Yorkshire
I think it's fair to say that I changed a bit over the past couple months. I definitely feel more independent, and in a lot of ways more clear-headed and sure of myself. It was great to have a big break in my routine and to find myself in a series of totally new situations, learning to adapt. Coming back is always a little bittersweet, but I think it's fair to say that I got what I wanted out of the trip. I'm feeling pretty excited about life at home, and like I worked myself out of some of the rut I felt like I was in before I left.
Still no major insight on "what I want to do when I grow up" - right now I have a good job, and I'm taking interesting classes, and I really can't complain at all. I think at some point I'd really like to work for myself.
03 July 2009
02 July 2009
Follow-Up
Last night I was so tired that I literally passed out in the middle of writing.
What I didn't say is that, until recently, I always thought it was kind of frivolous for a woman to hold onto her maiden name - it seemed as though taking her husband's name did a lot to create a new family unit - instead of "you + me" it becomes "us." I understand that, and still agree with the idea that a new family should reflect that it is a new family, and not appendages of other families, bound together. I'm still not sure that I have a definite opinion on last names, either way.
There are a lot of times in life when a little acceptance seems necessary - if everyone fulfilled every impulse they had, and every desire they wanted - especially in the name of fulfilling ideological beliefs*, I think in the long run things would fall apart a little bit - cohesiveness and relationships would certainly suffer.
As with most (all?) things, I suppose the answer is moderation - knowing where to find the line of reasonableness, and respecting that.
*I really do think that any strict ideology in the end does become self-limiting.
What I didn't say is that, until recently, I always thought it was kind of frivolous for a woman to hold onto her maiden name - it seemed as though taking her husband's name did a lot to create a new family unit - instead of "you + me" it becomes "us." I understand that, and still agree with the idea that a new family should reflect that it is a new family, and not appendages of other families, bound together. I'm still not sure that I have a definite opinion on last names, either way.
There are a lot of times in life when a little acceptance seems necessary - if everyone fulfilled every impulse they had, and every desire they wanted - especially in the name of fulfilling ideological beliefs*, I think in the long run things would fall apart a little bit - cohesiveness and relationships would certainly suffer.
As with most (all?) things, I suppose the answer is moderation - knowing where to find the line of reasonableness, and respecting that.
*I really do think that any strict ideology in the end does become self-limiting.
01 July 2009
Grandpa
It's July 1, which means that it's the day for me to think of my Grandpa. It's been 9 years since he died - it struck me today that while on one hand, he never knew most of the person I am today, on the other hand he still knew and appreciated who I was as a person.
This date always seems like a good time for me to look back, and re-evaluate how things are going. What's different this year than last? How have I changed?
Last year at this time I was struggling to fit into an uncomfortable office environment, adjusting to having graduated from college, and trying to figure out a direction for my life.
This year, the office discomfort is gone, I'm pretty passed the graduated life adjustment, but I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life. I guess it's not really that big of a deal, given that most people never quite figure out what they want, but I've still given it some thought.
Today I was thinking a lot about last names, middle names, etc. I know some women take their original surname as a middle name, and that some women get married but just keep their original last name. I'm wondering how much more common that sort of thing will do. It just made me a little sad to think today about my family tree and realize that that the name, or at least the clear paternally based linkages, might become spread even more thin. I'm not sure how I feel about all of that. I know that a name is only a name and doesn't mean a whole lot in terms of preserving someone's memory, but it's going to feel weird to not have at least that link to him if I ever do get married and take the husband's last name.
This date always seems like a good time for me to look back, and re-evaluate how things are going. What's different this year than last? How have I changed?
Last year at this time I was struggling to fit into an uncomfortable office environment, adjusting to having graduated from college, and trying to figure out a direction for my life.
This year, the office discomfort is gone, I'm pretty passed the graduated life adjustment, but I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life. I guess it's not really that big of a deal, given that most people never quite figure out what they want, but I've still given it some thought.
Today I was thinking a lot about last names, middle names, etc. I know some women take their original surname as a middle name, and that some women get married but just keep their original last name. I'm wondering how much more common that sort of thing will do. It just made me a little sad to think today about my family tree and realize that that the name, or at least the clear paternally based linkages, might become spread even more thin. I'm not sure how I feel about all of that. I know that a name is only a name and doesn't mean a whole lot in terms of preserving someone's memory, but it's going to feel weird to not have at least that link to him if I ever do get married and take the husband's last name.
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