Saccharin

I had another pretty frustrating day today. It really shocks me sometimes - it seems like there can be so many hidden and double standards in the places that should be the most straightforward. I think back to being in, say, second or third grade. I remember what it felt like to just be concerned with doing my best - not worrying about how to make myself look better compared to others, or dealing with the uncomfortable situation of being told nice words that weren't backed by any substantive actions. It hurt to have a teacher say, "You didn't follow my directions, so you're being punished" or to hear from a friend that, "You hurt me, so I'm upset at you," and it was even worse on those occasions when there wasn't any second chance - but you know, that was infinitely preferable to, and infinitely more respectful of me than, not truly letting me know where I stand.

Sometimes I think about the concept of "original sin" - and instead of thinking of it as some arbitrary "punishment" or "designation" handed down by an angry God as the result of a more or less arbitrary transgression (eating some fruit?) I think of it as an allegory for simple self awareness, and the development of human ego. As soon as we realize who we are and what potential we possess (gaining the "fruit" of the "tree of knowledge") and as soon as we taste the fruit of success or even love, we face so much more temptation to be disingenuous, untruthful, lazy, spiteful, etc just for the sake of preserving that initial good feeling. Humanity and sentience seems to carry with it this enormous burden of awareness of "self" that really just gets in the way of doing the best we can, in whatever setting, regardless of the peripheral factors.

Seeking a more straightforward life, a few years ago I thought very seriously about joining a convent, but after some discernment and a very vivid dream I realized that that path isn't for me.

Anyway, new topic on the blog soon, I promise. I know this one is getting worn out.