I Want Out

I am really depressed. More than that, I'm just numb, dejected, and empty. I want the world to just stop. Right now.

There's this kid that I went to middle school with, who goes to VT. I started reading his livejournal years ago as a freshman at CMU after adding him as a friend on facebook. He's in my brother's year (or maybe one above? I don't even remember), and after my brother ended up at VT he mentioned that he'd run into this guy on campus - that was pretty much the only reason I "friended" him. I read his livejournal once and really enjoyed his insight and perspective on life, and I kept reading it, checking once every week or three.

He lost his girlfriend, and a handful of other people, in the shootings. I want to reach out and show some kind of support, but at the same time - I don't even know him. Sure, we went to school together, but I only have about two memories of him from SSSAS; I'm not sure that he would remember me at all.

I cried today reading about his experiences being on campus without her - walking around to the places that reminded him of her, visiting her memorial.

I know a fair number of people at VT, and they've all been affected in varying degrees. It's not nearly as rough on me as it is on them, but I can't help being really, really, upset about it. Life at CMU just rushes on by, with all its end of semester stress and registration flurry, final projects and problem sets, and whatever social dramas come up.

I just want to scream. I want to scream, and yell, and call people's attention to the fact that people DIED, that something is really NOT OKAY with - something - I don't know what. I don't even fully understand or comprehend what happened at VT; part of me still feels really detached, even from those close to me that are there. I want time to think about what happened, to feel it, (to "grok" it, for those of you who've read Heinlein....) More than that, I NEED to do those things, because I've just been carrying it around with me for the past week in the back of my head, pushing it away while I try to deal with everything else that's exploded on me recently.

I almost slept through my 1130 class today, and for some reason showing up for a 0900 class tomorrow seems like an impossible task. I'm not even sure why I'm as upset as I am, or why it feels like someone attached rubber bands to my forehead, back, and chest. Ever since I got to CMU I've been really uncomfortable with the way that life just rushes by, people run around with noses in books, focused on leading, achieving, and "getting ahead." All of that's great, I guess, but it's getting really hard for me to stay with it, even a little bit. It just seems SO empty, and so fake and impersonal, and so - so everything that an emo little 15 year old who just read Catcher in the Rye for the first time could say.

I'm planning on taking a road trip by myself after final exams. I don't know yet where I'm going, but I have to go...I've been really overwhelmed recently by a lot of things, and by a lot of people. I wish I could go now. All I've been doing recently, all I did over the weekend, is procrastination. I don't get work done, but I don't actually give myself the time to decompress or figure things out because that would take a lot more time than I have right now.

Nearly everyone I know here is unhappy and stressed out. It just makes me wonder, "How much is too much?" Maybe I'm an idealist, but it doesn't seem reasonable that everyone feels overstretched, drained, and empty, and dull. What's the motivation for pushing so hard - when did it become wrong to want a manageable stress level, and everything else that goes along with a truly healthy lifestyle? I've said a thousand times before that I'm not opposed to hard work, and I'm not, everything here just seems excessive. The counseling center is booked weeks ahead in appointments, and this is with 90% of the people I know not even CONSIDERING talking to someone about how stressed out and overwhelemed, and hopeless, they are.

I don't know. I just don't know...I just want to hold it together to finish two problem sets and a proxy server, get B's on two final exams, and write two final papers. And then I want to take the summer and figure out how to never again end up in this mindset of "just scraping by..."