Stupidity

I bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday. Between yesterday and today, I smoked about half of them, and I'm done. No more. I thought about writing this in terms of "Well, life has sucked so bad recently and I've been so upset that I just had to..." but it's not true. It's not true, and I'm really uncomfortable with making excuses...smoking wouldn't change any of the things that have made me really upset and stressed out recently, and I haven't deluded myeslf into thinking that it would. For some reason, and I've alluded to this before, I've occasionally craved cigarettes, and I've been able to imagine myself smoking really easily. Hard to explain; just seemed like it could fit in with who I was. The only reason I can think of for me thinking/feeling that is just that I've always been really good at putting "images" together, and I can definitely fall into that sardonic, flippant, persona that always seems to have a cig hanging between two fingers - except until yesterday I never actually had the cigarette.

So, anyhow, I had a chunk of free time. It was a beautiful day. I bought a pack, and Tom and I went and sat on the cut, enjoying the sunshine and smoking. I won't lie, it was an enjoyable afternoon. The sun hadn't been out like that - with a cloudless sky that stayed cloudless for the whole day - in literally weeks and weeks, and it was just perfect and lazy and sleepy. Interestingly enough, I also didn't have any of the allergic reactions I normally get from being around cigarettes. I'd heard of that sort of suddent "allergy disappearance" happening before, and was kind of curious as to if it'd happen with me. (At the same time - with that perfect 20/20 retrospect, I'm not sure that I could have been much stupider - what if I HAD had some kind of response to it, like, an asthmatic one? I didn't have my inhalor, and I wasn't anywhere near my dorm...stupid. I didn't even think about it.)

I had a couple more tonight, too close together, and got sick from it...which is probably a good thing, since now I don't want any more. I hadn't been planning on smoking more than the pack I'd gotten, but who ever does? I don't know. It was somewhat euphoric, I guess, but really fleeting. Most people could probably draw that conclusion without ever putting themselves through the actual experience; I'm not sure why I decided to go for it. Most people have such a knee-jerk reaction to things like smoking, and I guess it's partially justified, but...I don't know. Does the fact that I bought a pack and had some change the person I really am? I didn't think so, but I saw the way it affected the few people who noticed what I was up to. I felt bad for disappointing them.

Life is tricky sometimes. I don't have any good reasons for smoking, and I'm certainly not going to become a "smoker", and I can understand why it upset and disappointed those who really care for me...regardless, I was really craving understanding, or at least I was trying to avoid having to feel bad for letting people down. At the same time, how "understanding" and "caring" is it to support someone you care about doing something that's actually nothing besides BAD for them? I thought about it, and do I hate letting people down. But even moreso, I do think that there is a difference between loving someone and "supporting" (maybe encouraging is a better word?) an infinite number of poor choices. I guess it partially comes down to trust - trusting that the people in my life do understand me and actually care for me enough that when I disappoint them, it's probably beacuse I'm doing something that's really not a good idea anyhow. People usually aren't just irrationally judgmental, even if it seems that way. So, I guess that's an argument both in favor of really being open to the concerns of those close to you, as well as trying to find the right ways to reach out to someone you care about.

So, I'm sorry to everyone that I've upset recently (and not just over the smoking thing...) Things HAVE been really upside down for me, and it's going to take some time for me to really get back to being myself. I'm going to need time, and space. I can't express how much I appreciate the support and care of so many of you; I also want to be sure that I'm not rushing around grabbing at things instead of slowing down to really make some wise changes. I feel like I'm in this phase where a lot of people are counting on me to be a certain way while I'm two steps away from doing things that would really really hurt them, all the while just trying to get back to being myself. I'm really afraid of hurting people who are doing their best to just be there for me. I also haven't been taking enough time for myself - I'm an introvert; sometimes I need to just sit around reading and listening to music, or soaking in the tub. I know how easy it is to take it personally when it seems like someone's not up for hanging out or going out when they don't seem to be doing anything else at the time either...but really, it's just the way we introverts are. If I have time to myself, I feel much more calm and confident, and I'm much nicer to be around.

Next year is going to be quite a bit different than the past few years have been. I got accepted to do research for an honors thesis, so I'm going to be doing that instead of a capstone design course. That plus my earlier decision to not hold any leadership positions should let me try a bit of a different lifestyle, and hopefully it'll be a really rewarding, productive year.

So, yeah. Tomorow I'm going to sleep in, and then get caugh up on some work. Here's to the rest of the semester after a really relaxing weekend, and here's to the imminent summer.