Two-Vision

I'm definitely the sort of person that tends to soak up the behaviors of people close to me...not blindly, of course, but certainly in the sense of reaching out for things to relate, or ways to cope, or just trying something new that might make sense.

Today was kind of a strange day. Work was pretty good. I came home and sat around for awhile, then went by Blockbuster and rented a few DVD's of TV shows. I made dinner, and got a phone call from my Mom.

Holy hell. I really don't even know how to react. On one hand, it's been brewing for awhile, and on the other hand it's so completely surreal that I feel like I can't do anything besides make a joke about it and just wait and see what happens. This is one of those times where you start to really question reality - where relativism seems to be, at the best, a shallow excuse for not really understanding what ANYTHING really is. A small frame of reference and a limited range of expectations only serve to enhance this feeling of waltzing aimlessly through a football field when you're only used to a four-square court...

Anyway, after that I drove my friend's loveseat down to his parents' house. The drive itself was actually pretty shitty; there was a huge accident and we got stuck in traffic for awhile before we finally decided to change routes. We eventually arrived at the house, though, and unloaded the furniture. I got to meet his parents, and they seemed pretty nice. I think the best part of the whole evening was just having a few hours to bullshit, joke, laugh, and generally not take life too seriously. His Mom, of all people, thanked me for taking the time to drive it down for him...

Once again, I am reminded of the value of friendship.

After we got back and parted ways, I watched more TV. Actually, first I had a very brief debate about human nature. It seems like most people are selfish - selfish and cowardly. It's so depressing - we'd all like to think that we rise above that, but do we really? And for those of us that think we're better - are we really? Or does the fact that we think so discount everything else? Anyhow. The show I was watching made a really good comment about relationships.

The basic idea was that the better you know someone, and the closer you are, the harder it is to open up to them. I think this makes sense for a large majority of people - if not logically, then at least experientially. Once someone knows you well enough to know your weaknesses, opening up to them becomes much more a process of losing face. There's much more at stake, and for some reason - vulnerabilities just magnify. It's easier to turn to someone who is a relative outsider, who hasn't invested as much in you emotionally, to admit your failings - indeed, your very humanity. You would think that this wouldn't be the case - you would think that someone who knows you intimately would be able to understand and to support you better than anyone else - and it's probably true - but at the same time, we shy away from that. It's a matter of trust, as Billy Joel would say.

I'm in a really strange mood right now. It's one of those times where I wish I could just crack myself open and spill out onto the pavement, jump up, go running, and listen to some music. There's a lot to be said for staying in stellar form - but the good experiences, the ones worth remembering, all come from other times.

I wish I could dance. When I was a kid, I wanted to take dance lessons but didn't actually go for it because I didn't want to have to be in a recital. I had all this energy, and I loved music - but I didn't want to be in a position where I might possibly have the slightest chance of embarrassing myself. That kind of attitude is so limiting, though. Maybe if I'd gotten past that back then my life would be totally different now. Looking back regretfully doesn't change anything, but maybe it does go for motivating me to do things differently now. I'm a lot less self-conscious now than I used to be, which is a good thing, I think.