Ok. I will admit that Obama seems to be taking a remarkably levelheaded and moderate approach to implementing his cabinet and setting general policy directions. I think it was particularly smart to leave Robert Gates in as Secretary of Defense. I'm also impressed by his economic team. Hopefully they can deliver some smart solutions come January.
I can't believe that Advent is already half over! My church going habits lately have lapsed quite a bit, but I've been keeping up with Advent by reading a daily reflections site as well as listening to a weekly podcast about the season. I've been finding that not being in college anymore means that I have quite a bit more time and attention to give to things like spiritual seasons. In some ways it feels a bit like being in elementary school again: Christmas is coming, and every day I have a prayer or a reading to reflect on.
Again, even for the non-religious person, I think that there's a lot of value in taking a couple weeks to reflect on what it means to have "God incarnate", especially with "God" arriving in such a humble form as is portrayed in accounts about Jesus. I think it partially means that no matter how we begin, we can end up somewhere great - if only we start. It's one thing to think about a cute story about a baby being born in a barn, and it's quite another to think about just how uncomfortable that would be. Instead of trying to reconcile ourselves to the amount of unpleasantness involved with an experience like that, maybe it's worthwhile to think about it as a testament to the greatness of the human spirit - that no matter our situation, or our past, or our lineage, or anything else, we possess a sense of being and of self that can carry us unimaginable distances making a difference to others, even to the point of sacrificing that very sense of being.
There are a lot of things to worry about, perhaps now more than ever. We're in a deep economic recession (okay, I admit it), and reports say that in all likelihood we'll have another large-scale terror attack on the country sometime within the next five years. Doesn't that make it a good time to start cultivating some hope - both about our own inner strength and abilities, as well as about the potential for others to be as loving and compassionate as we hope to be ourselves?
The gospel reading from today was about John the Baptist telling the Pharisees who he was, after they started questioning him. I have heard quite a few priests say this about who we all are: not only are we made in the image of God, but we also are merely dust and dirt. I have spent some time meditating recently, and it's helped me to understand who I am a bit better. Paradoxically, it's also helped me stop caring so much about "who" or "what" I am. I think that in some ways Advent too can be seen as a season for cultivating mindfulness, and Christmas as a day for celebrating the fullness of being and experiencing each moment as it is.
John also says today, "Make straight the way of the Lord." I think that this is a good statement about the value of being decisive. "Make straight" is saying to forge a path ahead, and to forge a path that is unequivocally true to our sense of "God" and how to reach "God" for ourselves. It means taking responsibility for our desires and hopes, and for putting our actions under the reign of our conscious thoughts - our free will - and getting started on our way. No matter what, we inherit the responsibility for our actions, but I think that we should actively seek ownership of that responsibility as another step towards that same self-cultivation I've been talking about.
14 December 2008
25 November 2008
Image
Can I just point out that the financial "crisis" that Reagan inherited from Carter was - much - worse than the one we're in now?
I'm not saying that nobody's hurting, but everyone is making SUCH a big deal about all of this "economic turmoil" and how Obama has such a huge job ahead of him, etc.
I'm not even criticizing Obama. I'm just saying that it really frustrates me how much the media does have the ability to shape people's perceptions. Right now I see a mostly left-leaning media making a big deal out of a financial situation that, in the grand scheme of even this country's short history, is not as bad as others we've weathered - but since it's a Democrat going into office with the chance to fix things it's made out to be the most spectacular mess that anyone could imagine, that we're all going to be saved from when he rides in on his wings of glory.
Also, I heard some numbers that I want to check myself. But apparently during Bush's term, 9 million jobs were created. The stock market went higher than ever, and when it initially "crashed" - and the media made a big deal about the number of points lost - it wasn't a significant percentage loss, at all. I think it's entirely possible that the media could have contributed to the current situation - or at least people's perceptions, which is all that economy really is - by making that initial drop seem much worse than it was.
I hate drama queens, and I think that that's all the media is doing right now...making a lot of hype and fuss. It's annoying.
I'm not saying that nobody's hurting, but everyone is making SUCH a big deal about all of this "economic turmoil" and how Obama has such a huge job ahead of him, etc.
I'm not even criticizing Obama. I'm just saying that it really frustrates me how much the media does have the ability to shape people's perceptions. Right now I see a mostly left-leaning media making a big deal out of a financial situation that, in the grand scheme of even this country's short history, is not as bad as others we've weathered - but since it's a Democrat going into office with the chance to fix things it's made out to be the most spectacular mess that anyone could imagine, that we're all going to be saved from when he rides in on his wings of glory.
Also, I heard some numbers that I want to check myself. But apparently during Bush's term, 9 million jobs were created. The stock market went higher than ever, and when it initially "crashed" - and the media made a big deal about the number of points lost - it wasn't a significant percentage loss, at all. I think it's entirely possible that the media could have contributed to the current situation - or at least people's perceptions, which is all that economy really is - by making that initial drop seem much worse than it was.
I hate drama queens, and I think that that's all the media is doing right now...making a lot of hype and fuss. It's annoying.
05 November 2008
Election Day
I was really upset by something I heard on the radio yesterday. There was a group of DJs talking about a particular presidential candidate, how wonderful he was, etc. One of the DJ's moved from talking about him to talking about how she (the DJ) had voted in years past. One of the other DJ's started talking about how "all of that stuff is online, you know, who you vote for is public record and anyone can look it up." The first one responded with a, "what, really? who anyone voted for, you can find that?" and the other DJ insisted - not meanly, just matter of factly. Not only did she insist, but (this is what really bothered me), she was like, "here, I'll show you right now, on the computer."
It seemed like it was a really flimsy ploy to get people to support the candidate in question, as in "people will know if you don't vote for the candidate we support, so you should go support him." Nobody called in to correct what they said - or if they did, they weren't allowed on the air. Nobody really challenged the statement, aside from the first DJ saying, "Really?"
Either people are really ignorant, or really manipulative. Either way, it didn't give me the warm and fuzzies about the democratic process.
It seemed like it was a really flimsy ploy to get people to support the candidate in question, as in "people will know if you don't vote for the candidate we support, so you should go support him." Nobody called in to correct what they said - or if they did, they weren't allowed on the air. Nobody really challenged the statement, aside from the first DJ saying, "Really?"
Either people are really ignorant, or really manipulative. Either way, it didn't give me the warm and fuzzies about the democratic process.
01 November 2008
Three
Reasons why I can't bring myself to vote for Barack Obama:
1. Lying about his intent to use public financing in the general election. To me, this is huge. It makes me feel like, before he even gets into office, I can't really trust promises he makes. Could John McCain have gotten away with something like that, without raising all sorts of questions about his character and trustworthiness? More to the point, I feel like it sets a really dangerous precedent. From now on, I think that we probably won't see candidates accept public financing for a general presidential election. Even if Barack really is the squeaky-clean god-man we all hope he is, that's not to say that the next guy will be. Now that it is no longer taboo to privately finance a campaign, I think we've opened the door for a LOT of ugliness and corruption. Oh yeah and visiting Obama's website and being forced to figure out how to navigate past the "Donate Money!" greeting page was a real turn-off, too. I feel like that probably takes advantage of folks.
2. Social Security. I think that Social Security will ultimately become no longer viable (probably sooner rather than later). There will be too few people making contributions that are too small in order to benefit too many retirees. To me, vowing to keep Social Security in place, at any cost, as he has done is little more than a pledge to keep us all more or less throwing away money. People who contribute to Social Security now will likely never see returns on those contributions, or at least not returns that are proportional to the contributions. I agree that it is necessary for the government to ensure that its citizens have some kind of "safety net" and so I can see how Obama's rhetoric about preserving the system is comforting. However, I don't think that Social Security is the answer.
Better, to me, that the Federal Government privatize Social Security so that I can provide for myself in my old age - instead of relying on others, or on a system that no longer works. Meanwhile, I'd be contributing at the state level to programs that would support my fellow residents and whose effects I could observe on a daily basis.
3. Health Care. Obama's health care plan might lower everyone's cost of health care, but what is it going to do for the quality of care? Socializing the health system at the federal level seems like a bad idea just because it would, again, decrease competition among health providers and insurance companies and lower the quality of care for everyone involved. How long does it take to get a medical appointment or treatment for a serious condition in France? In Canada? Why would we be any different?
I think that there is a lot that can be done at the state level to establish low-cost clinics for low-income families - some kind of "no insurance required / small fee-for-service" place to obtain medicine and treatment. For longer term illnesses, I could see states establishing some kind of fund for those same families. I think that doing so would be more cost-effective than creating explicit health-care insurance programs for every person - AND it would take away a lot of control from insurance companies, which is something we all want. Moreover, having the states take more responsibility for providing health services for residents would again raise the bar of competition among states. States would be more compelled to grow stronger economies and implement more initiatives to attract growth and development.
I think that if we take measures to make our states more responsible, stronger, and more competitive, we will have a much stronger country, on the whole. I feel like Barack Obama wants a lot of good things for everyone - which is good - but I feel like having the Federal Government take on the sorts of responsibilities that he wants it to will untimately, unfortunately, inhibit many of the good things that we all want to see happen in the country. Not only that, they might inhibit any future potential for those opportunities on the state level - how would we come back from that, and roll back the Fedearal Government's power to give the states a fighting chance?
He's dashing, articulate, and inspiring. But, I just can't do it.
1. Lying about his intent to use public financing in the general election. To me, this is huge. It makes me feel like, before he even gets into office, I can't really trust promises he makes. Could John McCain have gotten away with something like that, without raising all sorts of questions about his character and trustworthiness? More to the point, I feel like it sets a really dangerous precedent. From now on, I think that we probably won't see candidates accept public financing for a general presidential election. Even if Barack really is the squeaky-clean god-man we all hope he is, that's not to say that the next guy will be. Now that it is no longer taboo to privately finance a campaign, I think we've opened the door for a LOT of ugliness and corruption. Oh yeah and visiting Obama's website and being forced to figure out how to navigate past the "Donate Money!" greeting page was a real turn-off, too. I feel like that probably takes advantage of folks.
2. Social Security. I think that Social Security will ultimately become no longer viable (probably sooner rather than later). There will be too few people making contributions that are too small in order to benefit too many retirees. To me, vowing to keep Social Security in place, at any cost, as he has done is little more than a pledge to keep us all more or less throwing away money. People who contribute to Social Security now will likely never see returns on those contributions, or at least not returns that are proportional to the contributions. I agree that it is necessary for the government to ensure that its citizens have some kind of "safety net" and so I can see how Obama's rhetoric about preserving the system is comforting. However, I don't think that Social Security is the answer.
Better, to me, that the Federal Government privatize Social Security so that I can provide for myself in my old age - instead of relying on others, or on a system that no longer works. Meanwhile, I'd be contributing at the state level to programs that would support my fellow residents and whose effects I could observe on a daily basis.
3. Health Care. Obama's health care plan might lower everyone's cost of health care, but what is it going to do for the quality of care? Socializing the health system at the federal level seems like a bad idea just because it would, again, decrease competition among health providers and insurance companies and lower the quality of care for everyone involved. How long does it take to get a medical appointment or treatment for a serious condition in France? In Canada? Why would we be any different?
I think that there is a lot that can be done at the state level to establish low-cost clinics for low-income families - some kind of "no insurance required / small fee-for-service" place to obtain medicine and treatment. For longer term illnesses, I could see states establishing some kind of fund for those same families. I think that doing so would be more cost-effective than creating explicit health-care insurance programs for every person - AND it would take away a lot of control from insurance companies, which is something we all want. Moreover, having the states take more responsibility for providing health services for residents would again raise the bar of competition among states. States would be more compelled to grow stronger economies and implement more initiatives to attract growth and development.
I think that if we take measures to make our states more responsible, stronger, and more competitive, we will have a much stronger country, on the whole. I feel like Barack Obama wants a lot of good things for everyone - which is good - but I feel like having the Federal Government take on the sorts of responsibilities that he wants it to will untimately, unfortunately, inhibit many of the good things that we all want to see happen in the country. Not only that, they might inhibit any future potential for those opportunities on the state level - how would we come back from that, and roll back the Fedearal Government's power to give the states a fighting chance?
He's dashing, articulate, and inspiring. But, I just can't do it.
26 October 2008
Going Home
This weekend I visited Pittsburgh for homecoming.
I thought that it would be a really painful weekend. I expected to be reminded of a lot of the things that I experienced here that were less than pleasant, and I expected to remember a lot of the stress and anxiety that went along with living and going to school here. More than anything, I expected to feel alienated by the fact that I'm *not* a student anymore, and that there's a lot about the college lifestyle that is lacking in my current situation.
Instead, it just felt like coming home. Sitting at the football game felt the same as sitting at the game as a student. Walking down Craig St. towards St. Paul's and Webster felt the same as it had the thousands of times I'd done it before. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by life now, I was comforted to realize that although University is supposed to be this time of great freedom, learning, and self-discovery, in some ways it's not so different from ordinary life. There's nothing stopping me from taking classes or lessons, and there's nothing stopping me from putting everything I am into following my dreams and walking away from the weird 9-5ish life.
It was good to realize that I missed being here, and good to realize that it could feel like home. It made me think again about how so much of life depends on perspective, and I know that if I were a full-time student here again there are things that I would definitely miss about my life now.
I wish I had been a bit more open to life at CMU while I was a student - especially my first couple years. I wish I had been more outgoing and I wish I'd taken more risks by pushing myself to join new groups or take on challenges that I wasn't sure I could overcome. I came here with a completely different perspective and set of expectations than most people who come here, I think, and it does hurt a bit to think of what I missed because I wasn't really looking around for opportunities as much as I could or should have.
At the same time, the fact that I can come here and feel like I belong - and know that it will always be a big part of who I am - means more than anything. CMU helped me learn those lessons, and even if just for that, it will always be my home.
Not only that, but realizing that situations which seem so stressful and distasteful are actually full of chances to explore and have fun, and make great memories, gives me a lot of hope for my current situation. If I can really take that to heart and act on it, then in some way it'll mean that CMU is still there, teaching, coaching, and letting me have a place.
I thought that it would be a really painful weekend. I expected to be reminded of a lot of the things that I experienced here that were less than pleasant, and I expected to remember a lot of the stress and anxiety that went along with living and going to school here. More than anything, I expected to feel alienated by the fact that I'm *not* a student anymore, and that there's a lot about the college lifestyle that is lacking in my current situation.
Instead, it just felt like coming home. Sitting at the football game felt the same as sitting at the game as a student. Walking down Craig St. towards St. Paul's and Webster felt the same as it had the thousands of times I'd done it before. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by life now, I was comforted to realize that although University is supposed to be this time of great freedom, learning, and self-discovery, in some ways it's not so different from ordinary life. There's nothing stopping me from taking classes or lessons, and there's nothing stopping me from putting everything I am into following my dreams and walking away from the weird 9-5ish life.
It was good to realize that I missed being here, and good to realize that it could feel like home. It made me think again about how so much of life depends on perspective, and I know that if I were a full-time student here again there are things that I would definitely miss about my life now.
I wish I had been a bit more open to life at CMU while I was a student - especially my first couple years. I wish I had been more outgoing and I wish I'd taken more risks by pushing myself to join new groups or take on challenges that I wasn't sure I could overcome. I came here with a completely different perspective and set of expectations than most people who come here, I think, and it does hurt a bit to think of what I missed because I wasn't really looking around for opportunities as much as I could or should have.
At the same time, the fact that I can come here and feel like I belong - and know that it will always be a big part of who I am - means more than anything. CMU helped me learn those lessons, and even if just for that, it will always be my home.
Not only that, but realizing that situations which seem so stressful and distasteful are actually full of chances to explore and have fun, and make great memories, gives me a lot of hope for my current situation. If I can really take that to heart and act on it, then in some way it'll mean that CMU is still there, teaching, coaching, and letting me have a place.
03 October 2008
Ever Since
It's been a day over a month since I posted anything. Life has been pretty busy, I guess.
A couple days ago I visited the Boston Museum of Science. One of their exhibit halls has an "electricity" demonstration area, complete with the largest air-insulated Van Der Graff generator in the world.
I kind of have a history with that particular exhibit hall. I remember visiting the MOS with my Mom and Brother when I was a kid, and back then I was absolutely petrified of the electricity exhibit. The presentation is (and was) advertised as having "loud noises and bright flashes" and the flier mentions "creating lightning" in the exhibit hall. So, when I was there...14 years ago...I refused to see the electricity demonstration. My brother was pretty annoyed because he really wanted to see it, but I whined and resisted so much that Mom eventually gave in and decided that we wouldn't go.
Well, of course Colin wanted to see the electricity demonstration. I considered briefly and decided that 14 years had done nothing to distill my wariness of lightning at close proximity, so again I resisted. It's a lot harder to say no to him than it was to say it to my family, though, so after a couple seconds I gave in and agreed to see the demonstration.
Needless to say, it was not nearly as intense an experience as I'd feared. The "lightning" was more of a "big big big spark" - I mean, it was impressive as hell, don't get me wrong - but it wasn't quite what my imagination had made it out to be.
I guess the whole thing just made me wonder how many other experiences I'd turned down over the years - and how many habits of perspectives I've created - based on completely wrong, or exaggerated, assumptions? It's really valuable to have people in our lives to push us to question ourselves like that.
A couple days ago I visited the Boston Museum of Science. One of their exhibit halls has an "electricity" demonstration area, complete with the largest air-insulated Van Der Graff generator in the world.
I kind of have a history with that particular exhibit hall. I remember visiting the MOS with my Mom and Brother when I was a kid, and back then I was absolutely petrified of the electricity exhibit. The presentation is (and was) advertised as having "loud noises and bright flashes" and the flier mentions "creating lightning" in the exhibit hall. So, when I was there...14 years ago...I refused to see the electricity demonstration. My brother was pretty annoyed because he really wanted to see it, but I whined and resisted so much that Mom eventually gave in and decided that we wouldn't go.
Well, of course Colin wanted to see the electricity demonstration. I considered briefly and decided that 14 years had done nothing to distill my wariness of lightning at close proximity, so again I resisted. It's a lot harder to say no to him than it was to say it to my family, though, so after a couple seconds I gave in and agreed to see the demonstration.
Needless to say, it was not nearly as intense an experience as I'd feared. The "lightning" was more of a "big big big spark" - I mean, it was impressive as hell, don't get me wrong - but it wasn't quite what my imagination had made it out to be.
I guess the whole thing just made me wonder how many other experiences I'd turned down over the years - and how many habits of perspectives I've created - based on completely wrong, or exaggerated, assumptions? It's really valuable to have people in our lives to push us to question ourselves like that.
02 September 2008
Sex Ed
Hearing a lot of the debates surrounding Sarah Palin recently have caused me - not to form a strong opinion one way or another about the candidate - but to reflect a lot on some of the topics covered in my sex ed and theology classes.
A lot of people mock the conservative abstinence teaching because it tends to come across as a lot of bible thumping, self righteous, moralizing that has little relevance or use in a culture that values the individual and the individual's right to live as one wishes. I think that a lot of conservatives do, unfortunately, use issues like sexuality to stand on a soapbox for the sake of self-righteousness.
However, I also think that the conservatives do an awful job representing what merits there are both to practicing abstinence and to opposing birth control.
When I was in high school, sexual intercourse was discussed as a "perfect union" of souls, as a complete sharing in love. It made sense, even to a teenager preoccupied with being the class agnostic, that jumping into sexual relationships quickly or at a young age might result in a less than ideal sexual experience - harmful to one's own self, much less one's relationship with "God". It seems like "abstinence" is used to make sex a taboo when it should actually be used to emphasize how GREAT sex is supposed to be, and why it's worth it not to just give it away.
At the same time, I will recognize that youth is characterized by a great deal of impatience and a need to experience things first hand. From a practical standpoint, I think that conservative schools could benefit greatly from a sex ed curriculum that includes more practical approaches to birth control. It would be great to see that be accompanied by programs for young people to build their self esteem and confidence, rather than turning to sex as a means for defining one's self and relationships. In other words, I really think that moderation from both sides would be splendid.
Regardless, the view of a sexual ideal that incorporates total sharing and total love also includes an explanation of why birth control is frowned upon by the Church. Most people would agree that a necessary component of an ideal sexual situation is openness. Both partners need to be open to the other, both need to be completely comfortable with their bodies and emotions, and both would like to be experiencing as little anxiety as possible. Anxiety is distracting, right?
Now. This is going to sound like hand waving logic, but I promise it's not. This is the part where a lot of people would say that the whole POINT of birth control is to cut down on the anxiety that the sexual intercourse could result in unwanted pregnancy. It is absolutely true that for people worried about becoming pregnant, using birth control will cut down on anxiety. That isn't what I'm arguing.
What I AM arguing is that even when one does use birth control, there is still some element of anxiety. There is a worry that the birth control will fail, and depending on the type of birth control, there may be mild physical discomfort. Further, I think that it's inarguable that couples engaging in sexual intercourse who are not averse to having children have NONE of that anxiety, and really are free to just enjoy the moment spontaneously, to the fullest extent possible. And THAT is where the arguments for abstinence and against birth control come in. If you are going to do it, you may as well aspire to do it right and have the best time possible - that's what the Church is saying. [In the case of homosexuality, I think you can make similar arguments, perhaps replacing the anti-birth control with an argument in favor of monogamy or committed relationships...]
Ok, the Church also talks about God. Going against the above teachings is usually classified as a "sin" and "sin" is defined as "separation from God's grace." Depending on how you want to define "God's grace", the normal anxieties I described enough are probably synonymous with sin. There's not some old guy keeping tabs on your every move; there's just an acknowledgment that we all have to face the consequences of our choices. (Isn't that enough? What's the point of the record keeping?) I'm not arguing that it's even supposed to feel like a punishment, just that there actually is a framework here that's trying to give people some guidance that may be useful.
So. Here's where the pro-life stuff comes in. Being open to having kids means that a couple is open to the creation of new life. Deciding against having kids means that there is the potential for the creation of something shared (life) that both partners are choosing not to share with each other. There is some element of "No, we don't want that" present. I'm not saying that it makes practical sense for everyone to be gung ho about getting pregnant all the time; but again, I *am* arguing that having the unconditional attitude that the creation of new life is nothing but a good thing not only builds on letting couples share fully with each other, but probably carries over into other aspects of a couple's life. Maybe it allows people an easy way to consider the magnitude of their actions? I'm not even saying that it's the only way for that to happen, just that it seems like it's definitely *a* way.
So. I deeply respect Gov. Palin's decision to keep her Down Syndrome baby. I'm not sure that it says anything (either way) about her qualifications to hold political office, but it means a lot to me to see the valuation of human life in a public figure. I wish that her daughter's decision to carry her baby to term was being portrayed as something other than the punishment / scarlet letter thrust upon her by an overly conservative family. I would really like to see some acknowledgment that life is valuable, and something to be celebrated. Granted, being 17 and pregnant carries a certain stigma - but given that she's already had to take responsibility - nationally - I think it's time to just leave it alone, and let her carry her baby. People act as though pregnancy is a burden, but ... I've heard a lot fewer accounts of women regretting pregnancies that they carried to term than I have of women regretting the trauma of having an abortion. Instinctively, humans are wired for procreation and reproduction. It would be great if we could be collectively a bit more sensible and mature about our sexual activities, but given that we're the imperfect beings we are, it just seems really senseless to me to react to that by putting ourselves through a more traumatic experience to try and "fix" it, hurting ourselves and our respect for life in the process.
As for the Governor herself? I have no idea. I'm tired of hearing the same 4 or 5 arguments on both sides which are either gross generalizations, unsubstantiated, or substantiated on technicalities. I think maybe that's part of the strategy for choosing her - she's such an unknown, and so many people probably WANT to like her, that maybe she'll win over a lot of the "optimism" vote. Who knows.
A lot of people mock the conservative abstinence teaching because it tends to come across as a lot of bible thumping, self righteous, moralizing that has little relevance or use in a culture that values the individual and the individual's right to live as one wishes. I think that a lot of conservatives do, unfortunately, use issues like sexuality to stand on a soapbox for the sake of self-righteousness.
However, I also think that the conservatives do an awful job representing what merits there are both to practicing abstinence and to opposing birth control.
When I was in high school, sexual intercourse was discussed as a "perfect union" of souls, as a complete sharing in love. It made sense, even to a teenager preoccupied with being the class agnostic, that jumping into sexual relationships quickly or at a young age might result in a less than ideal sexual experience - harmful to one's own self, much less one's relationship with "God". It seems like "abstinence" is used to make sex a taboo when it should actually be used to emphasize how GREAT sex is supposed to be, and why it's worth it not to just give it away.
At the same time, I will recognize that youth is characterized by a great deal of impatience and a need to experience things first hand. From a practical standpoint, I think that conservative schools could benefit greatly from a sex ed curriculum that includes more practical approaches to birth control. It would be great to see that be accompanied by programs for young people to build their self esteem and confidence, rather than turning to sex as a means for defining one's self and relationships. In other words, I really think that moderation from both sides would be splendid.
Regardless, the view of a sexual ideal that incorporates total sharing and total love also includes an explanation of why birth control is frowned upon by the Church. Most people would agree that a necessary component of an ideal sexual situation is openness. Both partners need to be open to the other, both need to be completely comfortable with their bodies and emotions, and both would like to be experiencing as little anxiety as possible. Anxiety is distracting, right?
Now. This is going to sound like hand waving logic, but I promise it's not. This is the part where a lot of people would say that the whole POINT of birth control is to cut down on the anxiety that the sexual intercourse could result in unwanted pregnancy. It is absolutely true that for people worried about becoming pregnant, using birth control will cut down on anxiety. That isn't what I'm arguing.
What I AM arguing is that even when one does use birth control, there is still some element of anxiety. There is a worry that the birth control will fail, and depending on the type of birth control, there may be mild physical discomfort. Further, I think that it's inarguable that couples engaging in sexual intercourse who are not averse to having children have NONE of that anxiety, and really are free to just enjoy the moment spontaneously, to the fullest extent possible. And THAT is where the arguments for abstinence and against birth control come in. If you are going to do it, you may as well aspire to do it right and have the best time possible - that's what the Church is saying. [In the case of homosexuality, I think you can make similar arguments, perhaps replacing the anti-birth control with an argument in favor of monogamy or committed relationships...]
Ok, the Church also talks about God. Going against the above teachings is usually classified as a "sin" and "sin" is defined as "separation from God's grace." Depending on how you want to define "God's grace", the normal anxieties I described enough are probably synonymous with sin. There's not some old guy keeping tabs on your every move; there's just an acknowledgment that we all have to face the consequences of our choices. (Isn't that enough? What's the point of the record keeping?) I'm not arguing that it's even supposed to feel like a punishment, just that there actually is a framework here that's trying to give people some guidance that may be useful.
So. Here's where the pro-life stuff comes in. Being open to having kids means that a couple is open to the creation of new life. Deciding against having kids means that there is the potential for the creation of something shared (life) that both partners are choosing not to share with each other. There is some element of "No, we don't want that" present. I'm not saying that it makes practical sense for everyone to be gung ho about getting pregnant all the time; but again, I *am* arguing that having the unconditional attitude that the creation of new life is nothing but a good thing not only builds on letting couples share fully with each other, but probably carries over into other aspects of a couple's life. Maybe it allows people an easy way to consider the magnitude of their actions? I'm not even saying that it's the only way for that to happen, just that it seems like it's definitely *a* way.
So. I deeply respect Gov. Palin's decision to keep her Down Syndrome baby. I'm not sure that it says anything (either way) about her qualifications to hold political office, but it means a lot to me to see the valuation of human life in a public figure. I wish that her daughter's decision to carry her baby to term was being portrayed as something other than the punishment / scarlet letter thrust upon her by an overly conservative family. I would really like to see some acknowledgment that life is valuable, and something to be celebrated. Granted, being 17 and pregnant carries a certain stigma - but given that she's already had to take responsibility - nationally - I think it's time to just leave it alone, and let her carry her baby. People act as though pregnancy is a burden, but ... I've heard a lot fewer accounts of women regretting pregnancies that they carried to term than I have of women regretting the trauma of having an abortion. Instinctively, humans are wired for procreation and reproduction. It would be great if we could be collectively a bit more sensible and mature about our sexual activities, but given that we're the imperfect beings we are, it just seems really senseless to me to react to that by putting ourselves through a more traumatic experience to try and "fix" it, hurting ourselves and our respect for life in the process.
As for the Governor herself? I have no idea. I'm tired of hearing the same 4 or 5 arguments on both sides which are either gross generalizations, unsubstantiated, or substantiated on technicalities. I think maybe that's part of the strategy for choosing her - she's such an unknown, and so many people probably WANT to like her, that maybe she'll win over a lot of the "optimism" vote. Who knows.
23 August 2008
O'boy....
Obama's camp didn't even vet Hillary for the Vice Presidential candidate's spot on the ticket. My guess is that his desire not to have her considered was matched in magnitude only be her desire not to be considered. I don't understand why everyone is so surprised. There's no WAY that Hillary would ever be content to take the back seat, especially not to a demagogue like Obama.
Here's what's going to happen: Hillary will cause a huge ruckus at the convention. She's still on the ballot for becoming the Presidential candidate, remember? She doesn't have the votes, but she and her supporters will make a statement.
They will then set out to make sure that Obama loses the election. Four years from now, she'll be perfectly poised to say "Look what happened when you morons didn't support me."
Was anyone reading the NYT during primary season; did anyone noticed how strongly Clintonian the publication is? Has anyone noticed how anti-Obama the paper (that bastion of liberal ideals) has remained? This is going to be a disgusting campaign, because we're going to have so much mud on both sides, and the Hillary camp is going to be running around in the background adding some buckets for the Republicans to throw when nobody's looking. How's that for party loyalty and ideals?
I don't like Obama that much; I don't believe he can inspire the sort of change that he thinks he can. However, I do think that Joe Biden was a good move on his part; I can see myself becoming comfortable with the guy. I'd kind of like to see the Democrats quit self-destructing as a party, though. If they lose this election, though, I feel like it'll be a number of years before the party can take itself seriously again and before it can re-congeal back into a consistent, non-self-hating, party with a platform more defined than "take potshots at the Republicans."
Ah. I love election season. If only real life were this exciting...
Oh, and also. How many rabid Obama supporters of the "anti-government-invasion-of-privacy" persuasion signed up to get the text message about his running mate? Hello? Way to identify yourself with arms wide open to the guy that is trying to become the new Man, who isn't even campaigning on public funds! Ho ho ho, I wonder how much all of that personal data is going to sell for some day?
Seriously, though. What's going to happen to all of those numbers, email addresses, etc? How much other personal data are they collecting from supporters, who are all handing it over in droves just because they have a "good feeling" about this guy? Seriously. Stupid. (The privacy policy on the page says they have the right to disseminate personal information to their "agents" and others that will help them further their political objectives. How 1984 does that sound? I don't think that the campaign has any sort of sinister intent, but it blows my mind that people seem to be really selective about the situations in which they object to that sort of behavior.)
Here's what's going to happen: Hillary will cause a huge ruckus at the convention. She's still on the ballot for becoming the Presidential candidate, remember? She doesn't have the votes, but she and her supporters will make a statement.
They will then set out to make sure that Obama loses the election. Four years from now, she'll be perfectly poised to say "Look what happened when you morons didn't support me."
Was anyone reading the NYT during primary season; did anyone noticed how strongly Clintonian the publication is? Has anyone noticed how anti-Obama the paper (that bastion of liberal ideals) has remained? This is going to be a disgusting campaign, because we're going to have so much mud on both sides, and the Hillary camp is going to be running around in the background adding some buckets for the Republicans to throw when nobody's looking. How's that for party loyalty and ideals?
I don't like Obama that much; I don't believe he can inspire the sort of change that he thinks he can. However, I do think that Joe Biden was a good move on his part; I can see myself becoming comfortable with the guy. I'd kind of like to see the Democrats quit self-destructing as a party, though. If they lose this election, though, I feel like it'll be a number of years before the party can take itself seriously again and before it can re-congeal back into a consistent, non-self-hating, party with a platform more defined than "take potshots at the Republicans."
Ah. I love election season. If only real life were this exciting...
Oh, and also. How many rabid Obama supporters of the "anti-government-invasion-of-privacy" persuasion signed up to get the text message about his running mate? Hello? Way to identify yourself with arms wide open to the guy that is trying to become the new Man, who isn't even campaigning on public funds! Ho ho ho, I wonder how much all of that personal data is going to sell for some day?
Seriously, though. What's going to happen to all of those numbers, email addresses, etc? How much other personal data are they collecting from supporters, who are all handing it over in droves just because they have a "good feeling" about this guy? Seriously. Stupid. (The privacy policy on the page says they have the right to disseminate personal information to their "agents" and others that will help them further their political objectives. How 1984 does that sound? I don't think that the campaign has any sort of sinister intent, but it blows my mind that people seem to be really selective about the situations in which they object to that sort of behavior.)
18 August 2008
Royalty
I just finished reading "Lisey's Story" by Stephen King. I really loved the book; I think I liked it more than I liked the Dark Tower series. Apparently he thought that it may have been his best writing, and I'm tempted to agree.
I discovered that I have a copy of "The Dark Half" on my bookshelf and so I started reading that today. Coincidentally, it's another book about an author. Apparently there is at least one other novel that King has written about writing? I want to read them all; I'm fascinated with his perspective on what writing really is.
And it makes me want to write. :)
I discovered that I have a copy of "The Dark Half" on my bookshelf and so I started reading that today. Coincidentally, it's another book about an author. Apparently there is at least one other novel that King has written about writing? I want to read them all; I'm fascinated with his perspective on what writing really is.
And it makes me want to write. :)
25 July 2008
RIP Randy Pausch
When someone that we don't know personally dies, what exactly motivates us to mourn? Are we sad because we're reminded that life - particularly ours - will inevitably end, and there is nothing we can do about it? Are we upset because we know that the world will never experience another of their words, songs, or lines of code? Are we empathizing with their family members, who are facing a harsh and irreversible new reality? Some combination of the above?
Hearing Randy Pausch speak at our commencement truly moved me. I was touched to see someone so - whimsical, and so vibrant (in spite of the fact that he was very physically haggard.)
As I attempted to read his book, "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams" I was struck by a very different note, though. In his book - and I acknowledge that sometimes I am an unfairly harsh judge of character - he came across to me as someone who was deeply, unapologetically, self-centered. I can imagine that a large part of that is simply survival instinct - in order to live as long as Mr. Pausch did in his circumstances, I would think that one does need to be absolutely convinced of the importance of his existence.
That didn't stop me from feeling punched in the gut when I read his admission that giving his "Last Lecture" involved him spending his wife's birthday - the last one she'd EVER get with him - in Pittsburgh, away from her*. Additionally, his preparing to give the Lecture prevented him from helping her with the family's move to Virgina, giving her more work to do as she struggled herself with the fact of his terminal illness. He talked about how upset it made her, and about how, in spite of that, he couldn't bring himself to give up his one last chance in the limelight. Perhaps in the long run it will be better that he gave the talk - certainly it created a legacy that will ensure that he will be remembered quite vividly for a long time. Hopefully his wife is comforted knowing that she gave him one last gift of fulfillment.
Don't mistake what I'm saying: Randy Pausch was, by all accounts, an incredible professor and a wonderful father. His loss will fittingly be mourned by countless people.
I can't get rid of this nagging feeling, though. It's not about Randy per se, although his situation is what made me think of it. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm not bothered by his actions (or his wife's) as much as I am about the conflict and tension caused between them as a result. It just makes me feel like it's so easy to take love, and each other, for granted - and for what? It makes me wonder how much people really feel like they "need" others in their lives...sometimes it seems like many of us are so self sufficient and self-driven that the idea of being in love or loving, stop making sense...and that really scares me. (Being loved, of course, always makes sense to us, though...)
I feel like I was brought up in such a different culture than the one I'm living in. We were taught to be "selfless" - and I'm not saying I am, even a little bit - but it seems like we at least had a perspective that involved being somewhat humble, and accepting that sometimes we end up taking on burdens for the sake of others. In college I was exposed to a much more individualistic and independent lifestyle, in which many people seemed so self-reliant (and self centered) to the point that they were completely uninvested in any sort of altruistic behavior. I'm not saying that it was a bad thing, necessarily - many of them have been (or will be) extremely successful and live solid, balanced, lives according to a reasonable system of values. It just made me feel like I didn't quite belong, kind of like I was obsolete. Reading about Randy Pausch's lifestyle made me feel quite the same way - even though, like I said, it has nothing to do with the man himself, may he rest in peace.
*She did manage to fly out for the lecture itself, given that day, though.
Hearing Randy Pausch speak at our commencement truly moved me. I was touched to see someone so - whimsical, and so vibrant (in spite of the fact that he was very physically haggard.)
As I attempted to read his book, "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams" I was struck by a very different note, though. In his book - and I acknowledge that sometimes I am an unfairly harsh judge of character - he came across to me as someone who was deeply, unapologetically, self-centered. I can imagine that a large part of that is simply survival instinct - in order to live as long as Mr. Pausch did in his circumstances, I would think that one does need to be absolutely convinced of the importance of his existence.
That didn't stop me from feeling punched in the gut when I read his admission that giving his "Last Lecture" involved him spending his wife's birthday - the last one she'd EVER get with him - in Pittsburgh, away from her*. Additionally, his preparing to give the Lecture prevented him from helping her with the family's move to Virgina, giving her more work to do as she struggled herself with the fact of his terminal illness. He talked about how upset it made her, and about how, in spite of that, he couldn't bring himself to give up his one last chance in the limelight. Perhaps in the long run it will be better that he gave the talk - certainly it created a legacy that will ensure that he will be remembered quite vividly for a long time. Hopefully his wife is comforted knowing that she gave him one last gift of fulfillment.
Don't mistake what I'm saying: Randy Pausch was, by all accounts, an incredible professor and a wonderful father. His loss will fittingly be mourned by countless people.
I can't get rid of this nagging feeling, though. It's not about Randy per se, although his situation is what made me think of it. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm not bothered by his actions (or his wife's) as much as I am about the conflict and tension caused between them as a result. It just makes me feel like it's so easy to take love, and each other, for granted - and for what? It makes me wonder how much people really feel like they "need" others in their lives...sometimes it seems like many of us are so self sufficient and self-driven that the idea of being in love or loving, stop making sense...and that really scares me. (Being loved, of course, always makes sense to us, though...)
I feel like I was brought up in such a different culture than the one I'm living in. We were taught to be "selfless" - and I'm not saying I am, even a little bit - but it seems like we at least had a perspective that involved being somewhat humble, and accepting that sometimes we end up taking on burdens for the sake of others. In college I was exposed to a much more individualistic and independent lifestyle, in which many people seemed so self-reliant (and self centered) to the point that they were completely uninvested in any sort of altruistic behavior. I'm not saying that it was a bad thing, necessarily - many of them have been (or will be) extremely successful and live solid, balanced, lives according to a reasonable system of values. It just made me feel like I didn't quite belong, kind of like I was obsolete. Reading about Randy Pausch's lifestyle made me feel quite the same way - even though, like I said, it has nothing to do with the man himself, may he rest in peace.
*She did manage to fly out for the lecture itself, given that day, though.
02 July 2008
Octave
Yesterday marked 8 years since Grandpa died. Every year I find myself reflecting on him around this time...I'm not sure if anyone has actually read this for years continuously, but if you have, you know what to expect from this post.
For some reason, thinking about Grandpa motivates me more than anything else to ask myself how I'm doing with life - am I being the best person I can? Am I doing justice to his legacy of kindness? Am I pushing myself as hard as I can intellectually to keep learning as much as I can, am I being the best employee, daughter, and significant other that I can?
I think the best advice he ever gave me was just to "lighten up." Life goes so much more easily with a smile, even (especially) when it seems like a smile is pretty hard to work up. Reaching out to people goes a long way, and that's probably been my biggest challenge recently.
Speaking of reaching out, I had a really strange (yet familiar) experience today. I was watching a movie on TV - one of the "Comcast FREE on Demand" whatevers. It was supposed to be a chick flick, so I settled in, totally unprepared for what was coming. The movie was about a guy and a girl; coincidentally I have some physical characteristics in common with the girl. I was (mildly) surprised, and pretty disoriented, to hear the guy start using lines on the girl that TJ had used on me. They were pretty distinctive, not things that could have been paraphrased by accident - things about "E.T. Fingers, Tree-Frog hands" and "horse face" (all with respect to her). Also a few references to, "laying around like walruses." At the time I didn't feel like TJ knew me well enough to be justifiably comfortable saying things like that, and it really threw me off that he wanted to move so quickly into that "sort" of a relationship - the joking, poking-fun-at kind that most people have after a few months of being together.
Now it looks like he was just trying to mimic the main character of the movie, who made great inroads with his girl by being firm, jokingly insulting, and mostly impervious to her crazy episodes (until he finally snapped and broke up with her, only to realize he still loved her). I'm compelled to write about this one incident only because it's not, by a long shot, the first time it's happened (wrt TJ and movie lines), and every time it does happen I become just a little more shocked at how unoriginal some people truly are. Not only that, it makes me more uncomfortable when I think about the sort of relationship we actually probably had. Once more, it seems like he was doing the only thing he could think of to create some kind of perfect - whatever - just like the movie. Life isn't a fucking movie, though, and that's partially what makes me mad. If you want life to be like the movies, or at least as happy as them, it seems like the best way to do that is to actually be genuine, instead of just trying to contrive things (and moreover, to manipulate people.)
The more I think about it, the more I realize that a lot of my reactions are coming from the fact that it seems like, more than anything, that TJ probably didn't really actually know me that well. He knew how to manipulate me - he knew how to push buttons, and he was a hell of a learner (in addition to more or less majoring in movie-watching). But the fact that he just applied what he saw whenever seemed appropriate just makes me feel dirty - it makes me feel really cold and alienated, as though he never realized that relationships are actually comprised of reciprocal exchanges of genuine, heartfelt, emotion and was just doing his best to evoke the sorts of reactions and emotions that he wanted to see me experience, setting up the sorts of situations he wanted to be in. (Note that I'm stopping short of actually using the "s" word, but I'm definitely implying it on purpose). It scares me that there are people in this world who see relationships as verbal exchanges and nothing more; who for whatever reason are just totally incapable of making legitimate social connections.
[Disclaimer: I do realize that it sounds like I've drawn a lot of conclusions from one single experience that I'm describing; unfortunately there's a lot of context that I'm just not interested in discussing in gory detail online. Suffice it to say that tonight just pushed my eyes open a bit more widely.]
I guess tonight is a night for thinking back. It's hard to believe that it's been an entire year since the last time I sat here, thinking some of these thoughts. A lot of things have changed for the better. If I had to put one label on the past year, I would call it "therapeutic." Not everything that happened was pleasant or beneficial, of course, but a lot of it was. I'm back to trusting people in general. I'm back to believing in myself, and I'm getting back to being in the mode of pushing myself to be the best I can. I'm still not as open as I'd like to be, and it's probably going to be awhile before I'm totally rid of the defensiveness and guardedness, but it's good to be feeling so much more like myself.
It's kind of ironic, because I remember last year struggling to be open and genuine with people that honestly meant a lot to me, but really not being able to because I was so shaken and overwhelmed by everything that had happened in the past semester in my personal life, and everything that was taking place with my family at the time. I do remember that I had probably the best, most interesting, most open, lighthearted, conversation that I'd had in a long time with one person in particular while I was remembering Grandpa. It was as though being in those memories for a little while let me relax and let my guard down for awhile, and it was really nice. Maybe this year I can keep a bit more of that with me.
For some reason, thinking about Grandpa motivates me more than anything else to ask myself how I'm doing with life - am I being the best person I can? Am I doing justice to his legacy of kindness? Am I pushing myself as hard as I can intellectually to keep learning as much as I can, am I being the best employee, daughter, and significant other that I can?
I think the best advice he ever gave me was just to "lighten up." Life goes so much more easily with a smile, even (especially) when it seems like a smile is pretty hard to work up. Reaching out to people goes a long way, and that's probably been my biggest challenge recently.
Speaking of reaching out, I had a really strange (yet familiar) experience today. I was watching a movie on TV - one of the "Comcast FREE on Demand" whatevers. It was supposed to be a chick flick, so I settled in, totally unprepared for what was coming. The movie was about a guy and a girl; coincidentally I have some physical characteristics in common with the girl. I was (mildly) surprised, and pretty disoriented, to hear the guy start using lines on the girl that TJ had used on me. They were pretty distinctive, not things that could have been paraphrased by accident - things about "E.T. Fingers, Tree-Frog hands" and "horse face" (all with respect to her). Also a few references to, "laying around like walruses." At the time I didn't feel like TJ knew me well enough to be justifiably comfortable saying things like that, and it really threw me off that he wanted to move so quickly into that "sort" of a relationship - the joking, poking-fun-at kind that most people have after a few months of being together.
Now it looks like he was just trying to mimic the main character of the movie, who made great inroads with his girl by being firm, jokingly insulting, and mostly impervious to her crazy episodes (until he finally snapped and broke up with her, only to realize he still loved her). I'm compelled to write about this one incident only because it's not, by a long shot, the first time it's happened (wrt TJ and movie lines), and every time it does happen I become just a little more shocked at how unoriginal some people truly are. Not only that, it makes me more uncomfortable when I think about the sort of relationship we actually probably had. Once more, it seems like he was doing the only thing he could think of to create some kind of perfect - whatever - just like the movie. Life isn't a fucking movie, though, and that's partially what makes me mad. If you want life to be like the movies, or at least as happy as them, it seems like the best way to do that is to actually be genuine, instead of just trying to contrive things (and moreover, to manipulate people.)
The more I think about it, the more I realize that a lot of my reactions are coming from the fact that it seems like, more than anything, that TJ probably didn't really actually know me that well. He knew how to manipulate me - he knew how to push buttons, and he was a hell of a learner (in addition to more or less majoring in movie-watching). But the fact that he just applied what he saw whenever seemed appropriate just makes me feel dirty - it makes me feel really cold and alienated, as though he never realized that relationships are actually comprised of reciprocal exchanges of genuine, heartfelt, emotion and was just doing his best to evoke the sorts of reactions and emotions that he wanted to see me experience, setting up the sorts of situations he wanted to be in. (Note that I'm stopping short of actually using the "s" word, but I'm definitely implying it on purpose). It scares me that there are people in this world who see relationships as verbal exchanges and nothing more; who for whatever reason are just totally incapable of making legitimate social connections.
[Disclaimer: I do realize that it sounds like I've drawn a lot of conclusions from one single experience that I'm describing; unfortunately there's a lot of context that I'm just not interested in discussing in gory detail online. Suffice it to say that tonight just pushed my eyes open a bit more widely.]
I guess tonight is a night for thinking back. It's hard to believe that it's been an entire year since the last time I sat here, thinking some of these thoughts. A lot of things have changed for the better. If I had to put one label on the past year, I would call it "therapeutic." Not everything that happened was pleasant or beneficial, of course, but a lot of it was. I'm back to trusting people in general. I'm back to believing in myself, and I'm getting back to being in the mode of pushing myself to be the best I can. I'm still not as open as I'd like to be, and it's probably going to be awhile before I'm totally rid of the defensiveness and guardedness, but it's good to be feeling so much more like myself.
It's kind of ironic, because I remember last year struggling to be open and genuine with people that honestly meant a lot to me, but really not being able to because I was so shaken and overwhelmed by everything that had happened in the past semester in my personal life, and everything that was taking place with my family at the time. I do remember that I had probably the best, most interesting, most open, lighthearted, conversation that I'd had in a long time with one person in particular while I was remembering Grandpa. It was as though being in those memories for a little while let me relax and let my guard down for awhile, and it was really nice. Maybe this year I can keep a bit more of that with me.
19 June 2008
The Dark Tower
I'm still plugging my way through the seventh book. June 19th features heavily in the narrative, and so today felt kind of like Halloween or something.
No, but seriously. Reading the series has really done a lot to make me become aware of a lot of my perceptions and assumptions about life, and people. One of my favorite characters just died - well, two of them, actually. At first their deaths seemed grossly unfair, but as I thought about it I found ways to trace their demise back to their own choices and attitudes. I don't mean to say that I felt that the characters "deserved" to die, just that they undertook a certain path with the full knowledge that they might not make it to the end, and that was nobody's choice save their own. Nor was there very much dramatic heroism - heroism, certainly, but nothing showy.
At this point (without having reached the climax, or the end yet) I feel like I could sum up the theme of the series just by saying: things happen. What makes these characters so lovable is not that they are perfect, but that they are genuine. The fact that they have a goal that they're so wholeheartedly devoted to doesn't compensate for their flaws, but it gives their struggles real meaning and context. I think many of us would be happier having that sort of purpose - it's okay to fall down if you're going to the one place you want to go more than anything. Maybe it's even okay to die before making it there (again, incomplete book knowledge here) because maybe the point isn't so much that one purpose is more worthy than another, but just having a purpose makes all of the difference.
Why is it so hard, then? I absolutely love that King brings his own struggles as a writer into the story, because it's such a powerful reminder that all the inspiring philosophy in the world isn't much to stand up against laziness or fear.
No, but seriously. Reading the series has really done a lot to make me become aware of a lot of my perceptions and assumptions about life, and people. One of my favorite characters just died - well, two of them, actually. At first their deaths seemed grossly unfair, but as I thought about it I found ways to trace their demise back to their own choices and attitudes. I don't mean to say that I felt that the characters "deserved" to die, just that they undertook a certain path with the full knowledge that they might not make it to the end, and that was nobody's choice save their own. Nor was there very much dramatic heroism - heroism, certainly, but nothing showy.
At this point (without having reached the climax, or the end yet) I feel like I could sum up the theme of the series just by saying: things happen. What makes these characters so lovable is not that they are perfect, but that they are genuine. The fact that they have a goal that they're so wholeheartedly devoted to doesn't compensate for their flaws, but it gives their struggles real meaning and context. I think many of us would be happier having that sort of purpose - it's okay to fall down if you're going to the one place you want to go more than anything. Maybe it's even okay to die before making it there (again, incomplete book knowledge here) because maybe the point isn't so much that one purpose is more worthy than another, but just having a purpose makes all of the difference.
Why is it so hard, then? I absolutely love that King brings his own struggles as a writer into the story, because it's such a powerful reminder that all the inspiring philosophy in the world isn't much to stand up against laziness or fear.
02 June 2008
Hypochondriac
I think when we're in the middle of a really good book, or movie, or tv show, or whatever - one that's really compelling - it's really easy to want to try and pull a bit of that universe into our own.
I've been reading my way through the Dark Tower series, and am almost done with the fifth book so I went out to get the sixth and seventh today. I looked all over Borders and couldn't find Stephen King books in any of the usual places, so I asked someone. It was good I did, because (aside from finding out where the King repository is) he showed me their "bargain hardcover" rack where they were selling books six and seven (only those) dirt cheap, for less money than I had in my wallet. I wouldn't have ever checked there on my own. It was pretty cool.
Also, I'm going to be pretty useless until I finish the series. I'm getting really attached to some of the characters, and have sinking feeling about where things are going, and what the books are going to end up saying about human nature.
I've been reading my way through the Dark Tower series, and am almost done with the fifth book so I went out to get the sixth and seventh today. I looked all over Borders and couldn't find Stephen King books in any of the usual places, so I asked someone. It was good I did, because (aside from finding out where the King repository is) he showed me their "bargain hardcover" rack where they were selling books six and seven (only those) dirt cheap, for less money than I had in my wallet. I wouldn't have ever checked there on my own. It was pretty cool.
Also, I'm going to be pretty useless until I finish the series. I'm getting really attached to some of the characters, and have sinking feeling about where things are going, and what the books are going to end up saying about human nature.
Last Lecture
I started reading Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" book this morning, and didn't make it very far in. I got through the introduction and the first chapter, and then I just put it down.
It upset me for reasons that probably aren't obvious - unfortunately, they aren't too closely related to the fact that he is very sick and dying. Don't get me wrong - that inherently is deeply upsetting, and cause for quite a bit of somberness. However, there were a couple other things that really stood out to me in his opening, and I'd like to grok them better.
Has anyone else read it, or started to read it? I would very much like to discuss, preferably with both CMU as well as non-CMU folk, because I think there are a lot of unique CMU attitudes in the book, but I'm curious about how much they stand out to others.
It upset me for reasons that probably aren't obvious - unfortunately, they aren't too closely related to the fact that he is very sick and dying. Don't get me wrong - that inherently is deeply upsetting, and cause for quite a bit of somberness. However, there were a couple other things that really stood out to me in his opening, and I'd like to grok them better.
Has anyone else read it, or started to read it? I would very much like to discuss, preferably with both CMU as well as non-CMU folk, because I think there are a lot of unique CMU attitudes in the book, but I'm curious about how much they stand out to others.
22 May 2008
On Bitterness
Someone told me once that depression isn't much more than anger directed inward, and that makes sense to me. I think that a lot of times it's easier to shove it inside rather than trying to confront (not confront in a violent manner, but simply face) its source. Carrying around that much emotion, and trying to avoid acknowledging it, is exhausting - and it's exhausting for everyone else, too, as they deal with the irrationality and overreactions of someone who is deeply depressed.
I made a couple promises to myself after commencement.
1: Not to respond to (people, ideas, things) that bring up negative emotions (chiefly insecurity or resentment) in me by seeking to demean or limit them. I've seen too many examples of the damage caused by feeding such insecurities. One of the biggest lessons I learned in college - from both sides of resentment - is that when there's nothing to actually resent, life is a lot much pleasanter without feeding that resentment - and when there is something truly awful going on, the situation usually destroys itself without anyone's help. There were people and situations that I could have really helped, if they'd stopped being threatened by me and let me help - and there were people that could have helped me, too. Fostering insecurities is always "easier", but it never makes anyone happier - I see this every day at home, and it makes me really sad.
1 (Corollary): Never deny my feelings to myself. Acknowledgment is the first step towards confrontation and understanding. Even though (actually, because) there will always be things that are deeply distasteful, admitting that those feelings are there enables a much more thoughtful, controlled, and rational response. If nothing else, that's something to be proud of, and a positive to seek in challenging situations.
2: To live a balanced life. CMU forced me to learn that not only is success not guaranteed simply by spending a lot of time on an endeavor, but that success isn't even a function of that time! I'm not saying that success doesn't take an enormous amount of time and energy, but I am saying that to put all of one's time and energy into a given task (a job, for example) is almost certainly counterproductive. Consider that if you're spending all of your waking hours at a job, you're not giving yourself time to do things that might spark a creative solution to a challenging problem, or the mental distance to remove yourself from an emotionally charged situation enough to make the right decision, rather than the decision that immediately satisfies your knee-jerk reaction. Stepping away from work feels like an impossible task at times, but having the ability to do so is extremely valuable as well as necessary for mental health.
3: To always truly be there for others. I'm really grateful for many of the close friendships I made at CMU, and many of them showed me what true friendship really means. It's so easy to say "call me if you need anything" - it's much harder to say "I'm coming over right now, let me help you" to someone who clearly needs something (and I'm not talking about just situations where there is a lot of upheaval or turmoil - I'm talking about anything).
That's it. All of them are pretty straightforward (and possibly trite) but over the past few years I learned what it actually means to practice them - how challenging it can be, but most importantly, how rewarding.
I made a couple promises to myself after commencement.
1: Not to respond to (people, ideas, things) that bring up negative emotions (chiefly insecurity or resentment) in me by seeking to demean or limit them. I've seen too many examples of the damage caused by feeding such insecurities. One of the biggest lessons I learned in college - from both sides of resentment - is that when there's nothing to actually resent, life is a lot much pleasanter without feeding that resentment - and when there is something truly awful going on, the situation usually destroys itself without anyone's help. There were people and situations that I could have really helped, if they'd stopped being threatened by me and let me help - and there were people that could have helped me, too. Fostering insecurities is always "easier", but it never makes anyone happier - I see this every day at home, and it makes me really sad.
1 (Corollary): Never deny my feelings to myself. Acknowledgment is the first step towards confrontation and understanding. Even though (actually, because) there will always be things that are deeply distasteful, admitting that those feelings are there enables a much more thoughtful, controlled, and rational response. If nothing else, that's something to be proud of, and a positive to seek in challenging situations.
2: To live a balanced life. CMU forced me to learn that not only is success not guaranteed simply by spending a lot of time on an endeavor, but that success isn't even a function of that time! I'm not saying that success doesn't take an enormous amount of time and energy, but I am saying that to put all of one's time and energy into a given task (a job, for example) is almost certainly counterproductive. Consider that if you're spending all of your waking hours at a job, you're not giving yourself time to do things that might spark a creative solution to a challenging problem, or the mental distance to remove yourself from an emotionally charged situation enough to make the right decision, rather than the decision that immediately satisfies your knee-jerk reaction. Stepping away from work feels like an impossible task at times, but having the ability to do so is extremely valuable as well as necessary for mental health.
3: To always truly be there for others. I'm really grateful for many of the close friendships I made at CMU, and many of them showed me what true friendship really means. It's so easy to say "call me if you need anything" - it's much harder to say "I'm coming over right now, let me help you" to someone who clearly needs something (and I'm not talking about just situations where there is a lot of upheaval or turmoil - I'm talking about anything).
That's it. All of them are pretty straightforward (and possibly trite) but over the past few years I learned what it actually means to practice them - how challenging it can be, but most importantly, how rewarding.
21 May 2008
Beginning
Commencement was a pretty strange event. I realized how much emotion - stress, frustration, etc. I'd been bottling up over the past couple of years, and after the ceremony (which was really nice), I just felt raw. Don't get me wrong - being done was and is an amazing feeling - but I realized how much pure emotion I'd been sitting on. Sunday night when I was trying to fall asleep I felt as though I were going through a breakup - it just felt like there were things unresolved, things happening too quickly, things I wanted to revisit, and things I couldn't wait to leave behind. Monday was a bit better, and by yesterday I was feeling pretty normal again.
Quite a few times over the past few years I've talked about not feeling engaged, about just feeling like I'm drifting along. Driving a lot of this was a really deep feeling of distraction - like I couldn't focus on anything because at some level, something fundamental was begging for my attention, and I wasn't comfortable doing something else until whatever that was got its attention. I'm pretty sure that that "thing" was only fear.
On a related note, my favorite part of Commencement was the very end - the charge given to graduates. We were honored to have Randy Pausch speak to us briefly about the utter importance of living life with passion. He commented about how - 9 months ago - he was told that he had 3-6 months to live, and someone made a comment to him about how he was really "beating the reaper." His response was that really, the only way anyone "beats the reaper" is by living well - living with passion, and focus. His words really hit home with me, as I think they did for all of us.
Living passionately can be scary in some ways, given the amount of openness and risk-taking, and brute honesty it involves. I would argue though that the fright associated with that is a positive thing - it lends credence to our effort, it reassures us that we have identified what really matters to us. That kind of fear seems different than the fear that distracts us, but I would argue that it's really probably not, though maybe it's directed differently. Letting go of that distraction is really important, and I realized that there's absolutely a way to avoid causing it in the first place - nothing more than staying true to one's self. That spirit of staying true is a lot more than surrounding one's self with things that make one happy or pursuing what seem like worthy causes - it's about values and ideals.
I'm really excited about the future - and I'm sad to leave the past behind. College enabled me to learn a lot that I never would have dreamed of discovering on my own, and I'll miss that environment quite a bit. At the same time, I'm feeling like I'm ready to take on something new, and see what more I can learn. (Also, I got accepted into a part-time Master's program, so I still have lots more school. Yay!)
Quite a few times over the past few years I've talked about not feeling engaged, about just feeling like I'm drifting along. Driving a lot of this was a really deep feeling of distraction - like I couldn't focus on anything because at some level, something fundamental was begging for my attention, and I wasn't comfortable doing something else until whatever that was got its attention. I'm pretty sure that that "thing" was only fear.
On a related note, my favorite part of Commencement was the very end - the charge given to graduates. We were honored to have Randy Pausch speak to us briefly about the utter importance of living life with passion. He commented about how - 9 months ago - he was told that he had 3-6 months to live, and someone made a comment to him about how he was really "beating the reaper." His response was that really, the only way anyone "beats the reaper" is by living well - living with passion, and focus. His words really hit home with me, as I think they did for all of us.
Living passionately can be scary in some ways, given the amount of openness and risk-taking, and brute honesty it involves. I would argue though that the fright associated with that is a positive thing - it lends credence to our effort, it reassures us that we have identified what really matters to us. That kind of fear seems different than the fear that distracts us, but I would argue that it's really probably not, though maybe it's directed differently. Letting go of that distraction is really important, and I realized that there's absolutely a way to avoid causing it in the first place - nothing more than staying true to one's self. That spirit of staying true is a lot more than surrounding one's self with things that make one happy or pursuing what seem like worthy causes - it's about values and ideals.
I'm really excited about the future - and I'm sad to leave the past behind. College enabled me to learn a lot that I never would have dreamed of discovering on my own, and I'll miss that environment quite a bit. At the same time, I'm feeling like I'm ready to take on something new, and see what more I can learn. (Also, I got accepted into a part-time Master's program, so I still have lots more school. Yay!)
20 May 2008
A Prayer for Owen Meany
I started reading the novel during Thanksgiving break, and I was pretty neutral to it for awhile, but I picked it back up yesterday to finish it and now I'm really appreciating it. Maybe the plot is actually getting more complex and interesting; maybe I'm just taking the time to really pay attention to it now.
Part of the book takes place in the 1950's-1960's, and there's an amazing quote as the characters react to Marilyn Monroe's death:
"SHE WAS JUST LIKE OUR WHOLE COUNTRY...AND THOSE MEN - THOSE FAMOUS, POWERFUL, MEN - DID THEY REALLY LOVE HER? DID THEY TAKE CARE OF HER? IF SHE WAS EVER WITH THE KENNEDYS, THEY COULDN'T HAVE LOVED HER - THEY WERE JUST USING HER, THEY WERE JUST BEING CARELESS AND TREATING THEMSELVES TO A THRILL. THAT'S WHAT POWERFUL MEN DO TO THIS COUNTRY - IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, BREATHLESS COUNTRY, AND MEN USE IT TO TREAT THEMSELVES TO A THRILL! THEY SAY THEY LOVE IT BUT THEY DON'T MEAN IT..."
The closer election season gets, the more depressed I become. Can't anyone show me a candidate that has well-defined and substantive goals for the good of our nation? I'll never get over the irony of the fact that EVERYONE seems to want that, but somehow we never quite attain it.
In other news, graduation happened. I'm still processing it.
Part of the book takes place in the 1950's-1960's, and there's an amazing quote as the characters react to Marilyn Monroe's death:
"SHE WAS JUST LIKE OUR WHOLE COUNTRY...AND THOSE MEN - THOSE FAMOUS, POWERFUL, MEN - DID THEY REALLY LOVE HER? DID THEY TAKE CARE OF HER? IF SHE WAS EVER WITH THE KENNEDYS, THEY COULDN'T HAVE LOVED HER - THEY WERE JUST USING HER, THEY WERE JUST BEING CARELESS AND TREATING THEMSELVES TO A THRILL. THAT'S WHAT POWERFUL MEN DO TO THIS COUNTRY - IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, BREATHLESS COUNTRY, AND MEN USE IT TO TREAT THEMSELVES TO A THRILL! THEY SAY THEY LOVE IT BUT THEY DON'T MEAN IT..."
The closer election season gets, the more depressed I become. Can't anyone show me a candidate that has well-defined and substantive goals for the good of our nation? I'll never get over the irony of the fact that EVERYONE seems to want that, but somehow we never quite attain it.
In other news, graduation happened. I'm still processing it.
11 May 2008
Magdalena
Tomorrow is my last final exam as an undergraduate. It's been pretty hard to stay focused studying - it's a history class, and there are a lot of names, ideas, terms, concepts, I should be going back over and re-memorizing, but I think I can honestly say that I'm just burned out. I'm working on it, though. I really want to get an A in this class, and I'm perfectly capable of getting there if I can just stay with it long enough.
Last week felt pretty strange. As the end of classes approached, I started to feel pretty overwhelmed by everything I was working on and involved in - it seemed like I was stretched so thin that I wasn't doing a fantastic job on anything. I faced some of the consequences of that on Wednesday, when I was giving my honors research presentation at the university symposium. The presentation itself actually went pretty well, and I had a handful of interested people stop by and chat about the project, and they seemed pretty impressed. I found a bunch of small errors on my poster, though. I also wasn't really satisfied with the layout - I put it together when I was tired and not thinking clearly, and I'm pretty sure it showed - it just wasn't as concise or explanatory, or as organized, as I'd have liked.
Thursday was the final exam for OS. I'm pretty sure that I did relatively well. I'm really bugged by the fact that there was one problem that I couldn't quite figure out in time - and then the answer came to me while I was laying in bed the next morning. If I'd only relaxed a bit more during the test, I would have gotten it. The exam overall went a lot better than the midterm, and I didn't freak out about it nearly as much, which was a good thing. I just still had that nagging "I didn't quite give it my all" feeling as I walked out, which was disappointing, since OS was a class that I really wanted to give my all to.
Friday I just decompressed. It was a strange day. I spent most of the day feeling dazed, confused, lost, and upset. I couldn't explain what I was upset about, or why I was feeling so helpless, and honestly it was kind of scary. Granted I also hadn't eaten much in the past 24 hours, which always makes things seem kind of fuzzy. Still, though. I didn't feel like myself at all until the evening, after I'd spent most of the day crying. (!) I feel like it's worth mentioning here just to see if anyone else has gone through the same sort of thing - it (kind of) makes sense that it happened, since I know I was bottling up a lot of stress and anxiety during the semester, and I'm also in the middle of a pretty big transition from student to inhabitant-of-the-real-world...it was scary, though.
One thing that makes me somewhat uncomfortable is that I feel like I'm leaving CMU with a handful of regrets. I've certainly learned a lot and gotten a good experience - but there are a lot of things I wish I would have done differently, and I think I'm having some trouble just accepting that it's impossible to know all of the right answers going into any situation, and that life goes on regardless.
Most of my regrets center around not taking more engineering classes, and around not being more proactive about finding a group of peers to take classes with. I feel like I spent so much energy worrying about how I was doing that I missed a lot of chances to put that energy into actual learning and accomplishment. I also avoided some classes that would have been really valuable because I convinced myself that I just wouldn't be able to handle them. As someone who used not to be so academically intimidated and is (was?) pretty skilled at giving a wholehearted effort, feeling like it was utterly within my reach to take a completely different path, if only my perspective had been a bit different, just doesn't sit well with me. I feel like I let myself down in some big ways, and I'm really only understanding that when it's time to leave.
From the sound of this, it's probably coming across as though I failed classes, acted irresponsibly, etc - none of which is true. I've done well from a "numbers" perspective, and that's what makes this all the more frustrating - there's nothing measurable that I messed up, I just didn't really satisfy myself - and ultimately that's the only judge that matters. I really need to let go of all of this, though, because I'm not going to be able to move on - and make myself proud - unless I can respect myself now.
So, I'm not quite done yet. I'm going to study a bit more, take a final, and then take a few deep breaths and appreciate all that I've experienced in college. It's been an intense four years, and I've changed a lot during them. It's definitely time for something new, even though there's a lot I *will* miss about being here.
Last week felt pretty strange. As the end of classes approached, I started to feel pretty overwhelmed by everything I was working on and involved in - it seemed like I was stretched so thin that I wasn't doing a fantastic job on anything. I faced some of the consequences of that on Wednesday, when I was giving my honors research presentation at the university symposium. The presentation itself actually went pretty well, and I had a handful of interested people stop by and chat about the project, and they seemed pretty impressed. I found a bunch of small errors on my poster, though. I also wasn't really satisfied with the layout - I put it together when I was tired and not thinking clearly, and I'm pretty sure it showed - it just wasn't as concise or explanatory, or as organized, as I'd have liked.
Thursday was the final exam for OS. I'm pretty sure that I did relatively well. I'm really bugged by the fact that there was one problem that I couldn't quite figure out in time - and then the answer came to me while I was laying in bed the next morning. If I'd only relaxed a bit more during the test, I would have gotten it. The exam overall went a lot better than the midterm, and I didn't freak out about it nearly as much, which was a good thing. I just still had that nagging "I didn't quite give it my all" feeling as I walked out, which was disappointing, since OS was a class that I really wanted to give my all to.
Friday I just decompressed. It was a strange day. I spent most of the day feeling dazed, confused, lost, and upset. I couldn't explain what I was upset about, or why I was feeling so helpless, and honestly it was kind of scary. Granted I also hadn't eaten much in the past 24 hours, which always makes things seem kind of fuzzy. Still, though. I didn't feel like myself at all until the evening, after I'd spent most of the day crying. (!) I feel like it's worth mentioning here just to see if anyone else has gone through the same sort of thing - it (kind of) makes sense that it happened, since I know I was bottling up a lot of stress and anxiety during the semester, and I'm also in the middle of a pretty big transition from student to inhabitant-of-the-real-world...it was scary, though.
One thing that makes me somewhat uncomfortable is that I feel like I'm leaving CMU with a handful of regrets. I've certainly learned a lot and gotten a good experience - but there are a lot of things I wish I would have done differently, and I think I'm having some trouble just accepting that it's impossible to know all of the right answers going into any situation, and that life goes on regardless.
Most of my regrets center around not taking more engineering classes, and around not being more proactive about finding a group of peers to take classes with. I feel like I spent so much energy worrying about how I was doing that I missed a lot of chances to put that energy into actual learning and accomplishment. I also avoided some classes that would have been really valuable because I convinced myself that I just wouldn't be able to handle them. As someone who used not to be so academically intimidated and is (was?) pretty skilled at giving a wholehearted effort, feeling like it was utterly within my reach to take a completely different path, if only my perspective had been a bit different, just doesn't sit well with me. I feel like I let myself down in some big ways, and I'm really only understanding that when it's time to leave.
From the sound of this, it's probably coming across as though I failed classes, acted irresponsibly, etc - none of which is true. I've done well from a "numbers" perspective, and that's what makes this all the more frustrating - there's nothing measurable that I messed up, I just didn't really satisfy myself - and ultimately that's the only judge that matters. I really need to let go of all of this, though, because I'm not going to be able to move on - and make myself proud - unless I can respect myself now.
So, I'm not quite done yet. I'm going to study a bit more, take a final, and then take a few deep breaths and appreciate all that I've experienced in college. It's been an intense four years, and I've changed a lot during them. It's definitely time for something new, even though there's a lot I *will* miss about being here.
01 May 2008
T-36 Hours (Whine)
I still don't really feel like this is the last week of classes. This whole week has been one big blur of work, stress, meetings, and work. Taking OS was such an abysmal idea in some ways - the spending time with friends and having time to do my other work well ways - and in some ways it was a really useful experience. Regardless of the fact that I kept up with my other classes all semester and met the deadlines, they all also had a substantial amount of work due this week, including OS, and I'm still not through it all. I still have two OS assignments left to do, in addition to the project we turned in last night that ate up most of my time this week. Thankfully the other pieces are just a book report and a written homework assignment. One of my professors lost one of my papers I turned in earlier in the semester (we had to have done 7 of them, and he only has records of my doing 6), so I have to write another one here shortly. I have a term paper due, and a collection of other papers for another class. I haven't been keeping up with my research as much as I absolutely should have, but I still managed to get a fair amount done, and finished making the poster for my presentation next week. I've been so busy that this week feels like just another week of my undergraduate career - I feel like it's going to end so abruptly that I'm going to be really thrown off. Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know - maybe it's not productive to have a bunch of time to dwell on the fact that things are about to change, in a big way.
Going into this semester, I didn't really see the use of taking an "easy semester" - I wanted to be able to say that I made the most of every semester I had here. I'm not willing to say that I regret taking OS, but I do have a much better perspective about how taking a lighter course load can be a really good idea in one's last semester.
I feel like I've been having nightmares a lot recently, and it's getting kind of old. The one last night was disturbing enough that I don't really feel comfortable writing it down. The good news about having bad dreams is that at least I'm getting sleep, even if it doesn't feel like nearly enough.
Going into this semester, I didn't really see the use of taking an "easy semester" - I wanted to be able to say that I made the most of every semester I had here. I'm not willing to say that I regret taking OS, but I do have a much better perspective about how taking a lighter course load can be a really good idea in one's last semester.
I feel like I've been having nightmares a lot recently, and it's getting kind of old. The one last night was disturbing enough that I don't really feel comfortable writing it down. The good news about having bad dreams is that at least I'm getting sleep, even if it doesn't feel like nearly enough.
30 April 2008
Stuff I Won't Miss
On Monday morning I was walking to class holding a glass bottle of juice. I was pretty tired, so I dropped it (I have a tendency to drop things when I'm sleepy) and it shattered all over the place. I put my stuff down, went to the womens' bathroom, got paper towels, cleaned up, repeated, repeated, repeated, etc. As I was down on my hands and knees, about 20 people walked by me on their way to class (it was about 10 minutes before class started, or there would have been a larger crowd). Not a single one stopped or offered to help. Clearly, I had no right to EXPECT help; dropping the bottle was my own fault, and had nothing to do with them. That's true enough. It just seemed pathetic that I felt guilty for wishing someone would stop and help me, because people always seem to feel SO strongly that asking them to help out with something that doesn't directly involve them is a HUGE imposition, selfish, and unfair - and I don't want to impose on anyone, or be selfish, or unfair - it would just be nice to see some common courtesy.
I feel like I've run into this more here than anywhere else I've lived, and it's just exhausting. Nobody's perfect, and it's overwhelming - especially when I'm the type of person to help out those who need it - to feel like I'm just living in this impersonal void - and to feel this sort of "If you hadn't fucked up, you wouldn't be wanting *our* help" sort of disdain emanating from other people. (Either that, or a "better you than me, sucker!" sort of attitude - which isn't as bad, but still - sucks.)
I feel like I've run into this more here than anywhere else I've lived, and it's just exhausting. Nobody's perfect, and it's overwhelming - especially when I'm the type of person to help out those who need it - to feel like I'm just living in this impersonal void - and to feel this sort of "If you hadn't fucked up, you wouldn't be wanting *our* help" sort of disdain emanating from other people. (Either that, or a "better you than me, sucker!" sort of attitude - which isn't as bad, but still - sucks.)
25 April 2008
People-Cats
Strange dream last night, clearly brought on by stress and being really, really burned out.
I was in a room in some hotel somewhere, and I wanted to go to sleep. However, I was told that there might be cats and a dog in my room. For some reason, I wanted to make sure the cats were out, so I set out to look for them. I came across a person crouched down in a catlike pose, and when I reached out my hand, the person turned into a cat. I stepped forward to get it and put it out, and it ran away.
I heard the other cat and dog, so I went over to them. The dog wouldn't let me hold it, and the cat kept stepping out of reach also. At one point, I came across both cats completely flattened out into little carpet squares, and they turned back into cats when I reached for them.
The whole dream was nothing but me trying to put out the damn cats so I could get some sleep and not worry about them coming after me with teeth and claws while I rested.
When my alarm went off this morning, I was still exhausted.
I feel like I don't have much energy for anything right now. I feel like I can't keep up with my work and my other commitments, and I feel like I don't have any time for myself anymore. I feel like even though I'm stretched thin and working all day, every day, I'm not staying on top of things the way I should and my work isn't the best it can be, just because I'm so tired and distracted, which makes me more tired and distracted, etc. And this is bad, because I've spent all semester in this mode, and by now I'm so burned out - and these are the two weeks when things really matter - that I feel like I'm about to wreck everything I spent the semester putting energy into, and it's all going to be for nothing.
Which is not a happy thought.
I was in a room in some hotel somewhere, and I wanted to go to sleep. However, I was told that there might be cats and a dog in my room. For some reason, I wanted to make sure the cats were out, so I set out to look for them. I came across a person crouched down in a catlike pose, and when I reached out my hand, the person turned into a cat. I stepped forward to get it and put it out, and it ran away.
I heard the other cat and dog, so I went over to them. The dog wouldn't let me hold it, and the cat kept stepping out of reach also. At one point, I came across both cats completely flattened out into little carpet squares, and they turned back into cats when I reached for them.
The whole dream was nothing but me trying to put out the damn cats so I could get some sleep and not worry about them coming after me with teeth and claws while I rested.
When my alarm went off this morning, I was still exhausted.
I feel like I don't have much energy for anything right now. I feel like I can't keep up with my work and my other commitments, and I feel like I don't have any time for myself anymore. I feel like even though I'm stretched thin and working all day, every day, I'm not staying on top of things the way I should and my work isn't the best it can be, just because I'm so tired and distracted, which makes me more tired and distracted, etc. And this is bad, because I've spent all semester in this mode, and by now I'm so burned out - and these are the two weeks when things really matter - that I feel like I'm about to wreck everything I spent the semester putting energy into, and it's all going to be for nothing.
Which is not a happy thought.
17 April 2008
kernel un-panic
So, we got the kernel finished yesterday. It was odd. Yesterday was also the one year anniversary of the Virginia Tech shootings that happened last spring. In order to be able to turn the kernel in, it had to pass at least one of their "stability" tests, which all were also dubbed "Continuous Hours of Operation" tests. The filenames (and actual names of the tests we ran) were cho, cho2, and cho_variant. The title had a logical origin, of course, but I was glad to be done if for no other reason than I got to stop staring at that name scrolling a bajillion times down the screen.
In other news. Carnival this weekend. I'll be busy with buggy races (on the radio safety net) and helping coordinate people to sell tickets for the rides. After it's all done, I think I deserve a day OFF.
In other news. Carnival this weekend. I'll be busy with buggy races (on the radio safety net) and helping coordinate people to sell tickets for the rides. After it's all done, I think I deserve a day OFF.
14 April 2008
More Rhetorical Discomfort
So, I've been watching the Democrats' campaign get increasingly nasty on both sides. I'm kind of dismayed at what's been happening - Hillary can't stop grasping at straws and pulling dirty punches, and Obama, well...honestly, Obama lost a lot of my respect over the past couple days, too.
What got me wasn't his remark about people being "bitter" - I think that's a fair assessment, even if worded unfortunately. What upsets me was his following statement about how those same bitter people "cling to guns and religion..." as a result. I'm really offended by the attitude that religion is something that for the poor, the uneducated, the bitter people to clutch onto. It tells me that he has the attitude that religion doesn't have much inherent value to society, and that it is the mark primarily of the sort of people he was referring to. I'm not looking for a right wing conservative to replace the current administration, and I'm not even looking for someone who makes statements blatantly in support of religion (Christianity or otherwise) - I'm really looking for someone who doesn't make categorical, values-oriented statements either way.
Right now, I'm seeing Obama gather a huge following of a lot of well intentioned, hopeful, optimistic, kind, caring people. Those are all good things. My only concern is that in this sweeping wave of charisma, certain other perspectives are being completely wiped away or suppressed, and nobody is standing up for them because, let's face it, the charisma feels good. Obama has young people thinking that they can make a difference, and that's fantastic. Reaching out to this generation is absolutely the right thing to do.
However, I'm really uncomfortable with the almost irrational wave of support that's going along with it. Nobody questioned the implicit criticism and dismissal of religion's value in society, or the derogatory attitude towards it - and I think that a lot of that is related to the fact that Obama's campaign "seems" so "good" and so "caring" and so "hopeful." It's really easy, and understandable to get swept up in that, but I just think we need to be careful not to lose our liberties, and to create a society that has in the long run just as much intolerance and elitism as the one many people feel that we are living in now. What will be the next idea to be dismissed out of hand, without question? Even if Obama and his campaign themselves have no ill intentions, it is SO easy (and there are SO many historical examples) of societal norms and laws created in one era to have disastrous consequences in the next just because nobody stopped to think about the consequences.
I think my vote for President is going to go to the person that seems to be the most in favor of preserving the role of government and the help that it gives to society, while not trampling individual rights in the process. In the long run, individual rights, and the due respect thereof, are much more important to me, and so that's the way I'm going to lean - because without a true, deep seated and personal respect for others, I don't believe we can make a lot of progress towards the other goals that we all hope for the country.
What got me wasn't his remark about people being "bitter" - I think that's a fair assessment, even if worded unfortunately. What upsets me was his following statement about how those same bitter people "cling to guns and religion..." as a result. I'm really offended by the attitude that religion is something that for the poor, the uneducated, the bitter people to clutch onto. It tells me that he has the attitude that religion doesn't have much inherent value to society, and that it is the mark primarily of the sort of people he was referring to. I'm not looking for a right wing conservative to replace the current administration, and I'm not even looking for someone who makes statements blatantly in support of religion (Christianity or otherwise) - I'm really looking for someone who doesn't make categorical, values-oriented statements either way.
Right now, I'm seeing Obama gather a huge following of a lot of well intentioned, hopeful, optimistic, kind, caring people. Those are all good things. My only concern is that in this sweeping wave of charisma, certain other perspectives are being completely wiped away or suppressed, and nobody is standing up for them because, let's face it, the charisma feels good. Obama has young people thinking that they can make a difference, and that's fantastic. Reaching out to this generation is absolutely the right thing to do.
However, I'm really uncomfortable with the almost irrational wave of support that's going along with it. Nobody questioned the implicit criticism and dismissal of religion's value in society, or the derogatory attitude towards it - and I think that a lot of that is related to the fact that Obama's campaign "seems" so "good" and so "caring" and so "hopeful." It's really easy, and understandable to get swept up in that, but I just think we need to be careful not to lose our liberties, and to create a society that has in the long run just as much intolerance and elitism as the one many people feel that we are living in now. What will be the next idea to be dismissed out of hand, without question? Even if Obama and his campaign themselves have no ill intentions, it is SO easy (and there are SO many historical examples) of societal norms and laws created in one era to have disastrous consequences in the next just because nobody stopped to think about the consequences.
I think my vote for President is going to go to the person that seems to be the most in favor of preserving the role of government and the help that it gives to society, while not trampling individual rights in the process. In the long run, individual rights, and the due respect thereof, are much more important to me, and so that's the way I'm going to lean - because without a true, deep seated and personal respect for others, I don't believe we can make a lot of progress towards the other goals that we all hope for the country.
31 March 2008
Aida
I saw Aida the other night as part of my "Society and Arts" class. It wasn't the more recent musical; it was actually a production of the original opera by Verdi.
There was a lot that I really liked about it. The sets were dazzling - the show was set in ancient Egypt, and a couple of the acts took place inside a temple. The set was realistic enough that while I was watching the religious scenes, I actually felt somewhat like I was witnessing some kind of sacred ritual, and not just a dramatic performance.
The music was outstanding. I haven't heard too much of Verdi's music, but I thoroughly enjoyed his compositions for the opera. Most of the time opera tends to grate on me - too much soprano, or even mezzo soprano just makes me grumpy. While there certainly was a fair amount of that in the opera, there were also a number of segments where Verdi daringly chose to make the score more interesting or more present than the vocals.
I thought the story was pretty much total crap, though. I felt like it portrayed Aida as too much of a passive innocent, and the female antagonist, Amneris, didn't seem like an inherently evil character. Sometimes I felt like Amneris, as the daughter of the pharaoh, basically got the raw end of the deal - she was genuinely in love with Radames (the leader of the Egyptian army who was in turn in love with Aida, who was an Ethiopian girl ((secretly the daughter of the Ethiopian king)) being held by the Egyptians). I was unable to find anything in Amneris' character that seemed outside of the bounds of normal human behavior, and no reason for Radames to refuse her love.
It's true that there were a couple of occasions where she acted out of jealousy, which isn't the most admirable characteristic. However, I still felt like she wasn't any worse than Aida herself. Aida was held captive by her emotions just as strongly as Amneris was; the only difference was that while Amneris fell prey to fits of jealousy, Aida attempted to persuade Ramades to betray his obligation to his country and slink away with her in the night. Neither of the women can be commended for engaging in upright, admirable behavior. There was nothing inspiring, or even truly romantic to me, about the scene with Aida and Ramades dying together in his tomb where they were buried alive. I feel like if they had truly loved each other, they would have found an honorable way to handle the situation instead of simply wallowing in the agony of their positions and throwing away two perfectly good lives while Amneris wept above. To me, that last act was the perfect example of what love is not: being in love with someone shouldn't mean being buried alive with them.
I think it's ironic that we claim to value life so much, and yet find so much significance in death. If life, and love, are so important, shouldn't we do what we can to keep both of them? It's Easter season right now, and this is kind of the point to me: death shouldn't be used to give life its meaning, even though death is the clear opposite of life. This is definitely one of those situations where relativistic definitions just don't work: life is so much more than the absence of death, and it's worth it to consider that we, as humans, are designed to be active agents. To me, resurrection means that it's not much more than a lame excuse to use dying and death (or other less, uh, permanent, forms of passivity and victimization) to give significance to our waking actions - and that we are perfectly capable, as participants in that allegory, of rising (pun intended) above whatever pettiness might motivate us to do so.
In conclusion, a three and a half hour spectacle that ended in nothing more than a glorification of death made me mildly uncomfortable. Honestly, though, the music was pretty amazing. I'd see it again, just for that. And the sets.
There was a lot that I really liked about it. The sets were dazzling - the show was set in ancient Egypt, and a couple of the acts took place inside a temple. The set was realistic enough that while I was watching the religious scenes, I actually felt somewhat like I was witnessing some kind of sacred ritual, and not just a dramatic performance.
The music was outstanding. I haven't heard too much of Verdi's music, but I thoroughly enjoyed his compositions for the opera. Most of the time opera tends to grate on me - too much soprano, or even mezzo soprano just makes me grumpy. While there certainly was a fair amount of that in the opera, there were also a number of segments where Verdi daringly chose to make the score more interesting or more present than the vocals.
I thought the story was pretty much total crap, though. I felt like it portrayed Aida as too much of a passive innocent, and the female antagonist, Amneris, didn't seem like an inherently evil character. Sometimes I felt like Amneris, as the daughter of the pharaoh, basically got the raw end of the deal - she was genuinely in love with Radames (the leader of the Egyptian army who was in turn in love with Aida, who was an Ethiopian girl ((secretly the daughter of the Ethiopian king)) being held by the Egyptians). I was unable to find anything in Amneris' character that seemed outside of the bounds of normal human behavior, and no reason for Radames to refuse her love.
It's true that there were a couple of occasions where she acted out of jealousy, which isn't the most admirable characteristic. However, I still felt like she wasn't any worse than Aida herself. Aida was held captive by her emotions just as strongly as Amneris was; the only difference was that while Amneris fell prey to fits of jealousy, Aida attempted to persuade Ramades to betray his obligation to his country and slink away with her in the night. Neither of the women can be commended for engaging in upright, admirable behavior. There was nothing inspiring, or even truly romantic to me, about the scene with Aida and Ramades dying together in his tomb where they were buried alive. I feel like if they had truly loved each other, they would have found an honorable way to handle the situation instead of simply wallowing in the agony of their positions and throwing away two perfectly good lives while Amneris wept above. To me, that last act was the perfect example of what love is not: being in love with someone shouldn't mean being buried alive with them.
I think it's ironic that we claim to value life so much, and yet find so much significance in death. If life, and love, are so important, shouldn't we do what we can to keep both of them? It's Easter season right now, and this is kind of the point to me: death shouldn't be used to give life its meaning, even though death is the clear opposite of life. This is definitely one of those situations where relativistic definitions just don't work: life is so much more than the absence of death, and it's worth it to consider that we, as humans, are designed to be active agents. To me, resurrection means that it's not much more than a lame excuse to use dying and death (or other less, uh, permanent, forms of passivity and victimization) to give significance to our waking actions - and that we are perfectly capable, as participants in that allegory, of rising (pun intended) above whatever pettiness might motivate us to do so.
In conclusion, a three and a half hour spectacle that ended in nothing more than a glorification of death made me mildly uncomfortable. Honestly, though, the music was pretty amazing. I'd see it again, just for that. And the sets.
17 March 2008
8 Down
Spring break was pretty cool. Mexico was a lot of fun! I got tonsilitis or strep throat or something when we first arrived, but I was able to get antibiotics so the rest of the trip was still fun. We got to see Chichen Itza and Coba, and do some hiking, kayaking, rappelling, swimming, beach-sitting, and sleeping. It was really relaxing, and now I'm slowly starting to get back into "school mode." Having that many days away from homework and everything related to school really did a lot to help me mentally (and maybe even emotionally) "reset" myself.
The only odd thing was the side effects from the antibiotics. By the end of the week I wasn't sleeping much and was kind of tense and jittery - and when I got back I found out that the antibiotic they gave me really, really, really, slows down the body's ability to metabolize things like .....caffeine. I'd started drinking more coffee over the week as I got more tired, which of course made me more jittery, which made me more tired....yeah. It was good to see that there was a reason for how I'd been feeling, though, and that I wasn't just completely off the deep end.
A lot is going to happen in the next few weeks. I need to find a place to live, we're going to finish writing that kernel, research has to wrap up, I have a fairly large term paper for two classes, carnival, and graduation. Right now it's kind of overwhelming, but I know it's going to go by more quickly even than the first half of the semester did. I'm pretty happy with how all of my classes have gone so far, and so I just need to hang in there and finish strong. Rah!!
The only odd thing was the side effects from the antibiotics. By the end of the week I wasn't sleeping much and was kind of tense and jittery - and when I got back I found out that the antibiotic they gave me really, really, really, slows down the body's ability to metabolize things like .....caffeine. I'd started drinking more coffee over the week as I got more tired, which of course made me more jittery, which made me more tired....yeah. It was good to see that there was a reason for how I'd been feeling, though, and that I wasn't just completely off the deep end.
A lot is going to happen in the next few weeks. I need to find a place to live, we're going to finish writing that kernel, research has to wrap up, I have a fairly large term paper for two classes, carnival, and graduation. Right now it's kind of overwhelming, but I know it's going to go by more quickly even than the first half of the semester did. I'm pretty happy with how all of my classes have gone so far, and so I just need to hang in there and finish strong. Rah!!
05 March 2008
Burrito Metric
So, when I'm really tired, my metabolism goes through the roof (makes sense, I guess, gotta get the energy from somewhere).
I've eaten more today than I eat most days, and I just ate a burrito from Chipotle and I feel like I haven't eaten at all.
Hmmm. This could turn into an interesting (and delicious) way to measure how tired I am.
I've eaten more today than I eat most days, and I just ate a burrito from Chipotle and I feel like I haven't eaten at all.
Hmmm. This could turn into an interesting (and delicious) way to measure how tired I am.
28 February 2008
O.S. and the Test
I just had a really crappy day.
It didn't *have* to be crappy, I just spent the whole thing being worried about the OS midterm I had tonight.
It wasn't that bad of a test. I had just convinced myself that I wasn't going to be able to do it, mostly because I've been feeling like I don't have a good idea of where I stand in the class, and I'm just tired, and stressed, and therefore prone to exaggerate things to myself...
Seriously, though. I've "learned" this lesson before. It's not worth getting upset about, and being upset is just going to make it worse. Better to figure out what I know I don't know, learn that, take the test and do as well as I can, and move on with life. It doesn't have to be nearly so emotionally draining.
A large contributor to my stress level is the fact that with the midterm and the previous 3 projects, 40% of the grade for the semester in that class has been assigned - and we haven't gotten numerical grades on anything. That's almost half of a class wherein I could be doing anywhere from (barely passing) to (pretty well) and I really don't have much of a clue about where I stand. I've gotten verbal feedback on two projects, but I haven't seen any sort of rubric, so I don't know how much the things I did wrong count against my overall grade in the class (or even an overall grade on the projects - I haven't seen any numbers, at all).
Honestly, though, that probably shouldn't matter so much. I should have a reasonable "gut" feeling about where I stand, based on their comments and my own self-awareness. I've just got this mild paranoia that there's something fundamental I'm just missing, and that I'm waltzing through the course totally oblivious to any problems I might be having, but that's likely not actually the case.
It's still disconcerting as hell, though. Disconcerting -- but still not worth putting so much energy into.
It didn't *have* to be crappy, I just spent the whole thing being worried about the OS midterm I had tonight.
It wasn't that bad of a test. I had just convinced myself that I wasn't going to be able to do it, mostly because I've been feeling like I don't have a good idea of where I stand in the class, and I'm just tired, and stressed, and therefore prone to exaggerate things to myself...
Seriously, though. I've "learned" this lesson before. It's not worth getting upset about, and being upset is just going to make it worse. Better to figure out what I know I don't know, learn that, take the test and do as well as I can, and move on with life. It doesn't have to be nearly so emotionally draining.
A large contributor to my stress level is the fact that with the midterm and the previous 3 projects, 40% of the grade for the semester in that class has been assigned - and we haven't gotten numerical grades on anything. That's almost half of a class wherein I could be doing anywhere from (barely passing) to (pretty well) and I really don't have much of a clue about where I stand. I've gotten verbal feedback on two projects, but I haven't seen any sort of rubric, so I don't know how much the things I did wrong count against my overall grade in the class (or even an overall grade on the projects - I haven't seen any numbers, at all).
Honestly, though, that probably shouldn't matter so much. I should have a reasonable "gut" feeling about where I stand, based on their comments and my own self-awareness. I've just got this mild paranoia that there's something fundamental I'm just missing, and that I'm waltzing through the course totally oblivious to any problems I might be having, but that's likely not actually the case.
It's still disconcerting as hell, though. Disconcerting -- but still not worth putting so much energy into.
25 February 2008
Pleas
There's a little less than a week left in February. In the past slightly-more-than-three-weeks, there have been FOUR school shootings.
How is this okay? In the past more-than-three-weeks I've been buried in stress, homework, classes, research, and more stress, and not enough sleep. I've been barely aware of what's going on in the world, but those have registered. It makes me uncomfortable, though, that my life (and the lives of everyone else) just keeps screaming along while things like this keep happening. I'm not saying that I have any desire for my own life to come to a screeching halt, but I am saying that I feel like this experience of living without engagement in the world, without more than a few passing thoughts to my surroundings, are probably symptomatic of what society as a whole is going through, and of what is contributing to making so many people feel so lost and alienated.
It is not okay.
I feel like there are a lot of rants that I could line up right now - everything from a criticism of the neo-Puritan work ethic that says that quantifiable achievement is the only way to measure one's worth, to a post-modern emo diatribe against the widespread use of antidepressants and other medications that "treat" mental "illnesses" without actually addressing any of the environments, experiences, or mental faculties, that lead to such conditions in the first place, to a moaning cry for a return to the "good old days" of innocence (whenever those actually were) when people "just didn't do" things "like that."
Those all kind of miss the point, though, and my point is just this: It feels like we're not paying attention. I'm not sure that one could successfully argue that we HAVE EVER been paying attention (see slavery, the holocausts, apartheid, etc) but it doesn't change the fact that maybe we should be.
The good news is that I see a lot of ways for society to start moving in more productive directions. I think that education is a key to this: right now we're in a strange situation where a lot of schools and universities have a sort of "meat factory" mentality - go through, get processed, come out with a seal of approval. It certainly sucks that there are a lot of people who aren't getting the personal experiences they deserve, but the trade-off here is that there are a lot of people (more than ever before, right?) who are being equipped with the skills (imperfect as they may be) to make a difference. Hopefully as the number of skilled people increases, the student-teacher (maybe student-mentor is a better phrase) ratio will start to become something more reasonable. Maybe that could help us break out of this me-first, just-get-through-this, mentality and actually start connecting with the world around us.
It doesn't change the fact that people are going to need to be willing to start Paying Attention, though. Nothing ever forces anyone to pay attention to anything besides their own self, but I don't want to see any more tragedies happen as a result of the fact that we're too comfortable and too safe in our own alienation (of ourselves and other people). People respond to tragedies because it's a rallying point, and a concrete event to deal with, but how sad is it that it has to come to that? Given the volume of recent shootings, it seems like the standard for "tragedy" is also being raised, which is perhaps even more disturbing.
I have a slight admission to make, in that right now I'm so stressed and not open to the idea of doing work that it's really, really, easy for me to rail on about how we need to stop being little factory-people and actually live life. (The grass is always greener, etc...) I think it's still a valid point, though. Everyone I knows talks about feeling "disconnected" (which increases proportional to feeling stressed) and it just can't be healthy in the long run, especially when you consider that society as a whole is feeling that way.
What can we do? I don't think shunning technology and progress is the answer...but what is? What will help everyone, or a large chunk of "everyone" start really looking around at the world around them?
How is this okay? In the past more-than-three-weeks I've been buried in stress, homework, classes, research, and more stress, and not enough sleep. I've been barely aware of what's going on in the world, but those have registered. It makes me uncomfortable, though, that my life (and the lives of everyone else) just keeps screaming along while things like this keep happening. I'm not saying that I have any desire for my own life to come to a screeching halt, but I am saying that I feel like this experience of living without engagement in the world, without more than a few passing thoughts to my surroundings, are probably symptomatic of what society as a whole is going through, and of what is contributing to making so many people feel so lost and alienated.
It is not okay.
I feel like there are a lot of rants that I could line up right now - everything from a criticism of the neo-Puritan work ethic that says that quantifiable achievement is the only way to measure one's worth, to a post-modern emo diatribe against the widespread use of antidepressants and other medications that "treat" mental "illnesses" without actually addressing any of the environments, experiences, or mental faculties, that lead to such conditions in the first place, to a moaning cry for a return to the "good old days" of innocence (whenever those actually were) when people "just didn't do" things "like that."
Those all kind of miss the point, though, and my point is just this: It feels like we're not paying attention. I'm not sure that one could successfully argue that we HAVE EVER been paying attention (see slavery, the holocausts, apartheid, etc) but it doesn't change the fact that maybe we should be.
The good news is that I see a lot of ways for society to start moving in more productive directions. I think that education is a key to this: right now we're in a strange situation where a lot of schools and universities have a sort of "meat factory" mentality - go through, get processed, come out with a seal of approval. It certainly sucks that there are a lot of people who aren't getting the personal experiences they deserve, but the trade-off here is that there are a lot of people (more than ever before, right?) who are being equipped with the skills (imperfect as they may be) to make a difference. Hopefully as the number of skilled people increases, the student-teacher (maybe student-mentor is a better phrase) ratio will start to become something more reasonable. Maybe that could help us break out of this me-first, just-get-through-this, mentality and actually start connecting with the world around us.
It doesn't change the fact that people are going to need to be willing to start Paying Attention, though. Nothing ever forces anyone to pay attention to anything besides their own self, but I don't want to see any more tragedies happen as a result of the fact that we're too comfortable and too safe in our own alienation (of ourselves and other people). People respond to tragedies because it's a rallying point, and a concrete event to deal with, but how sad is it that it has to come to that? Given the volume of recent shootings, it seems like the standard for "tragedy" is also being raised, which is perhaps even more disturbing.
I have a slight admission to make, in that right now I'm so stressed and not open to the idea of doing work that it's really, really, easy for me to rail on about how we need to stop being little factory-people and actually live life. (The grass is always greener, etc...) I think it's still a valid point, though. Everyone I knows talks about feeling "disconnected" (which increases proportional to feeling stressed) and it just can't be healthy in the long run, especially when you consider that society as a whole is feeling that way.
What can we do? I don't think shunning technology and progress is the answer...but what is? What will help everyone, or a large chunk of "everyone" start really looking around at the world around them?
16 February 2008
Elton John
Tonight I saw "27 Dresses" with the girls, and it was really good. I've been really tired and kind of stressed this week, so the break did me a lot of good. The movie itself was pretty typical, but there was one scene that made the entire experience for me: (spoiler follows...)
So, a lot of chick flick movies have one scene where girl-being-pursued lets her hair down, and steps off of her high horse long enough to have a wild, carefree moment of self actualization with guy-whose-love-is-still-unrequited. That moment in this movie took place in a bar after the car they were in got stuck and they apparently couldn't find a tow at night. After a few shots, they started opening up to each other, and just when it seemed like things were going to get disgustingly predictable, the song "Bennie and the Jets" came on the jukebox.
I'm not going to argue that the moment wasn't still disgustingly predictable, but it made me smile. After the initial "OMG YOU LOVE THIS SONG TOO!?!" moment, the two characters flubbed around with the lyrics (which was hilariously well done, as anyone familiar with the song could identify with) and before long they were dancing on the bar, singing and clowning it up. I can't imagine a better song for a moment like that - it's funky, goofy, and - I would argue - soulful - AND it has the added benefit of NOT being some cheesy love song.
Admittedly, I'm biased. I've always had a huge soft spot for Elton John's music*. Part of it stems from the fact that I grew up with a lot of it, and I have a lot of really good memories with his songs as a soundtrack. At the same time, I think that it's legitimately *really good music.*
I'm pretty picky about which of his music I like - and it's moreso the earlier stuff than the later stuff. I think that "Madman Across the Water" is a brilliant album, especially in terms of creativity. A lot of the songs manage to sound really personal and human, even while the lyrics themselves are a bit out of the ordinary. "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" and his self titled album are my other favorites.
"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" is such a beautiful, heartfelt song. I love the "what have I gotten myself into!?!" tone of the lyrics, and the way that the piano actually sounds like someone's stepping down (off of?) a yellow brick road. (Um, go listen to the song. I can't explain it.) I remember listening to it on the radio with my Dad one summer when we were running an errand getting ready to move from D.C. to Ohio, and it sort of ended up being my theme song for the rest of that summer. His self titled album, aside from "Your Song", definitely one of my favorite ballads, has a couple songs that he's not really well known for but that I absolutely adore.
One of them is "Border Song" and it's more or less about racism. I love how the phrase "Holy Moses" makes the song sound almost like a spiritual, but the piano and his inflection singing keep it from becoming cliche or satirical. The song is really powerful without being confrontational, and I really appreciate how it sounds like someone just taking a deep breath and saying "I'm really uncomfortable with all of this tension; we really shouldn't be doing this; let's just get along" without being too casual or too inflammatory.
The other is "The Greatest Discovery" and it starts out with some strings and an acoustic guitar. The piano kicks up with the lyrics, and it's a really sweet story - it's a narrative of a little boy finding out that he has a newborn brother, told from the boy's perspective. It's so simple, and so loving, and it does a lot to convey how much human life means.
Along those lines, "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters" probably rounds out my top few favorite Elton John songs. It's another from the same general time period as the others, and it's about not taking life for granted, and taking a moment to appreciate the people that really mean a lot to us:
"And now I know
Spanish Harlem are not just pretty words to say
I thought I knew
But now I know that rose trees never grow in New York City
Until you've seen this trash can dream come true
You stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light
This Broadway's got
It's got a lot of songs to sing
If I knew the tunes I might join in
I'll go my way alone
Grow my own, my own seeds shall be sown in New York City
Subway's no way for a good man to go down
Rich man can ride and the hobo he can drown
And I thank the Lord for the people I have found
I thank the Lord for the people I have found"
Hearing that song always makes me think of friends and family, and a bunch of people I'm really glad and lucky to know. Makes me happy.
Ah. That was a bit of a digression from "I really liked the movie I saw tonight" - oh, well.
*I say "Elton John's music" with full acknowledgment given to the fact that Bernie Taupin wrote most of the lyrics.
So, a lot of chick flick movies have one scene where girl-being-pursued lets her hair down, and steps off of her high horse long enough to have a wild, carefree moment of self actualization with guy-whose-love-is-still-unrequited. That moment in this movie took place in a bar after the car they were in got stuck and they apparently couldn't find a tow at night. After a few shots, they started opening up to each other, and just when it seemed like things were going to get disgustingly predictable, the song "Bennie and the Jets" came on the jukebox.
I'm not going to argue that the moment wasn't still disgustingly predictable, but it made me smile. After the initial "OMG YOU LOVE THIS SONG TOO!?!" moment, the two characters flubbed around with the lyrics (which was hilariously well done, as anyone familiar with the song could identify with) and before long they were dancing on the bar, singing and clowning it up. I can't imagine a better song for a moment like that - it's funky, goofy, and - I would argue - soulful - AND it has the added benefit of NOT being some cheesy love song.
Admittedly, I'm biased. I've always had a huge soft spot for Elton John's music*. Part of it stems from the fact that I grew up with a lot of it, and I have a lot of really good memories with his songs as a soundtrack. At the same time, I think that it's legitimately *really good music.*
I'm pretty picky about which of his music I like - and it's moreso the earlier stuff than the later stuff. I think that "Madman Across the Water" is a brilliant album, especially in terms of creativity. A lot of the songs manage to sound really personal and human, even while the lyrics themselves are a bit out of the ordinary. "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" and his self titled album are my other favorites.
"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" is such a beautiful, heartfelt song. I love the "what have I gotten myself into!?!" tone of the lyrics, and the way that the piano actually sounds like someone's stepping down (off of?) a yellow brick road. (Um, go listen to the song. I can't explain it.) I remember listening to it on the radio with my Dad one summer when we were running an errand getting ready to move from D.C. to Ohio, and it sort of ended up being my theme song for the rest of that summer. His self titled album, aside from "Your Song", definitely one of my favorite ballads, has a couple songs that he's not really well known for but that I absolutely adore.
One of them is "Border Song" and it's more or less about racism. I love how the phrase "Holy Moses" makes the song sound almost like a spiritual, but the piano and his inflection singing keep it from becoming cliche or satirical. The song is really powerful without being confrontational, and I really appreciate how it sounds like someone just taking a deep breath and saying "I'm really uncomfortable with all of this tension; we really shouldn't be doing this; let's just get along" without being too casual or too inflammatory.
The other is "The Greatest Discovery" and it starts out with some strings and an acoustic guitar. The piano kicks up with the lyrics, and it's a really sweet story - it's a narrative of a little boy finding out that he has a newborn brother, told from the boy's perspective. It's so simple, and so loving, and it does a lot to convey how much human life means.
Along those lines, "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters" probably rounds out my top few favorite Elton John songs. It's another from the same general time period as the others, and it's about not taking life for granted, and taking a moment to appreciate the people that really mean a lot to us:
"And now I know
Spanish Harlem are not just pretty words to say
I thought I knew
But now I know that rose trees never grow in New York City
Until you've seen this trash can dream come true
You stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light
This Broadway's got
It's got a lot of songs to sing
If I knew the tunes I might join in
I'll go my way alone
Grow my own, my own seeds shall be sown in New York City
Subway's no way for a good man to go down
Rich man can ride and the hobo he can drown
And I thank the Lord for the people I have found
I thank the Lord for the people I have found"
Hearing that song always makes me think of friends and family, and a bunch of people I'm really glad and lucky to know. Makes me happy.
Ah. That was a bit of a digression from "I really liked the movie I saw tonight" - oh, well.
*I say "Elton John's music" with full acknowledgment given to the fact that Bernie Taupin wrote most of the lyrics.
11 February 2008
Mentions
It's one thing to be proud of something you've accomplished.
It's another thing to be so concerned with asserting your imagined superiority that you ALWAYS mention it within n minutes of talking to someone (where ALWAYS is some significant percentage > 90, and n is some integer less than 4).
If you're so jealous of someone that you can't stand to interact with them for more than a couple minutes without trying to make yourself feel better, then you're probably better off not hanging out with them.
I really hate when it starts to feel like people see interactions as nothing besides competitions. Believe it or not, there's actually such a thing as having friendships for the sake of friendship. There's something seriously wrong if you're not comfortable around people unless you're convinced that you're better than them.
It's another thing to be so concerned with asserting your imagined superiority that you ALWAYS mention it within n minutes of talking to someone (where ALWAYS is some significant percentage > 90, and n is some integer less than 4).
If you're so jealous of someone that you can't stand to interact with them for more than a couple minutes without trying to make yourself feel better, then you're probably better off not hanging out with them.
I really hate when it starts to feel like people see interactions as nothing besides competitions. Believe it or not, there's actually such a thing as having friendships for the sake of friendship. There's something seriously wrong if you're not comfortable around people unless you're convinced that you're better than them.
27 January 2008
I Am
Well, the first three weeks of the semester went pretty well. I ended up dropping an international relations class so I could do more research and spend more time on OS...it was really liberating to be able to say "this just doesn't sound interesting; I'd rather be doing engineer stuff..." and then be able to change things around to my liking. OS should be a good class, even if I do end up putting quite a few hours into it.
I spent a long time in the lab earlier this week trying to make some headway, and didn't get very far. I talked to my adviser about it yesterday and we figured out a way for me to start making progress on some other things, hopefully without losing too much of the work I've already done. CMU has so many amazing faculty members...I'm really going to miss it after I graduate.
OS has been getting pretty intense also. We got feedback for our first (ok, zeroth) project today, and I made a couple really silly mistakes, though I don't know how my actual grade came out. They have a policy of releasing the comments and feedback before we see our grade, and I think that's a good philosophy since it forces us to actually look at what they said and learn from it.
I got somewhat behind on the current project from spending so much time in the lab earlier this week, and so I may not sleep much between now and Monday. The good news is that I'm enjoying it. I don't think I'd be able to handle the workload and the stress if I wasn't really interested in spending the hours working on it. I'm relatively sure that I'll become less and less chipper about it as the semester goes on, but for now things still seem pretty good.
In other news, I have a new pet peeve. It makes me uncomfortable when I'm talking to someone, and they turn everything that gets said back around into a segue for them to talk about themselves. (This is distinct from sitting around swapping anecdotes, which is itself a really satisfying form of conversation). It's just frustrating because when people talk to me I generally take the time to actually listen and respond to their situation, so I tend to assume that people are going to be willing to do the same for me. I know it's only human nature to be more concerned with one's own life and situation, (and you could probably argue that it's a bit self centered of me to expect that a conversation be about me) but sometimes it starts to feel really dehumanizing.
I spent a long time in the lab earlier this week trying to make some headway, and didn't get very far. I talked to my adviser about it yesterday and we figured out a way for me to start making progress on some other things, hopefully without losing too much of the work I've already done. CMU has so many amazing faculty members...I'm really going to miss it after I graduate.
OS has been getting pretty intense also. We got feedback for our first (ok, zeroth) project today, and I made a couple really silly mistakes, though I don't know how my actual grade came out. They have a policy of releasing the comments and feedback before we see our grade, and I think that's a good philosophy since it forces us to actually look at what they said and learn from it.
I got somewhat behind on the current project from spending so much time in the lab earlier this week, and so I may not sleep much between now and Monday. The good news is that I'm enjoying it. I don't think I'd be able to handle the workload and the stress if I wasn't really interested in spending the hours working on it. I'm relatively sure that I'll become less and less chipper about it as the semester goes on, but for now things still seem pretty good.
In other news, I have a new pet peeve. It makes me uncomfortable when I'm talking to someone, and they turn everything that gets said back around into a segue for them to talk about themselves. (This is distinct from sitting around swapping anecdotes, which is itself a really satisfying form of conversation). It's just frustrating because when people talk to me I generally take the time to actually listen and respond to their situation, so I tend to assume that people are going to be willing to do the same for me. I know it's only human nature to be more concerned with one's own life and situation, (and you could probably argue that it's a bit self centered of me to expect that a conversation be about me) but sometimes it starts to feel really dehumanizing.
13 January 2008
Last One
Dear Spring 2008 Semester,
Bring it.
All My Love,
Jennifer
---
In other news: Colin visited me in DC for the last few days of Winter Break. We went to the Air & Space museum and annex. At the annex we rode the flight simulator, even though I was really freaked out about it*. After we were inside the thing and I could see and feel that it really was just a metal box with a screen inside, I felt silly for worrying. Why is it that it's so easy for the mind to create so much unreality? Anyway, we also went up into the observation deck and watched planes landing at Dulles, and that was really awesome and peaceful - we had a clear day and could see out to the mountains in the distance.
Being back in Pittsburgh is pretty cool. I'm ready to dive into the semester, and the girls and I started making spring break plans tonight. Good times.
*Yes, even though I wanted to be a fighter pilot. Being a fighter pilot involves training, though, and the ability to control the situation myself.
Bring it.
All My Love,
Jennifer
---
In other news: Colin visited me in DC for the last few days of Winter Break. We went to the Air & Space museum and annex. At the annex we rode the flight simulator, even though I was really freaked out about it*. After we were inside the thing and I could see and feel that it really was just a metal box with a screen inside, I felt silly for worrying. Why is it that it's so easy for the mind to create so much unreality? Anyway, we also went up into the observation deck and watched planes landing at Dulles, and that was really awesome and peaceful - we had a clear day and could see out to the mountains in the distance.
Being back in Pittsburgh is pretty cool. I'm ready to dive into the semester, and the girls and I started making spring break plans tonight. Good times.
*Yes, even though I wanted to be a fighter pilot. Being a fighter pilot involves training, though, and the ability to control the situation myself.
04 January 2008
Io-what?
I think Barack Obama is a terrific guy. I really do. I think it's been a long time since we've seen someone who can so eloquently present a message of hope to a nation. He's been compared to Kennedy, and it's easy to see why.
At the same time. I think that, particularly when a country is in a situation where it needs to see serious change, bringing in what amounts to an almost completely inexperienced outsider is the wrong choice. My problem isn't that he wants change, no, I think he has some (not all) really valuable perspectives - it's that I don't perceive that he has the political tools (no pun intended) to actually get the job done. If elected, I see four years of stagnation and frustration. If a Democrat is elected, I'd like to see it be Hillary. I think she has enough valuable-for-the-country items on her agenda that with her political wherewithal she could do a lot of concrete good for the nation in four years.
Huckabee makes me vaguely uncomfortable. His tax platform (a national sales tax) is one of those "sounds good for about ten milliseconds" schemes, and isn't actually feasible, nor would it solve any of the problems he suggests that it would. His environmental agenda looks pretty good, but I wonder how he's going to implement any of it. I'm not sure which Republican I'd like to see elected, but I'm pretty sure it's not him. The "I'm going to create this malicious ad about Governor Romney, release it, and then yank it from the airwaves all the meanwhile stirring up enough interest to garner free publicity for the ad while putting myself "above" my own dirty politics" trick was - slimy - putting it mildly, and to me it undermines a lot of his own statements about his political integrity, etc. (Let's not be naive here; I would bet any amount of money that it was his intention from the get-go to create an ad that he could take credit for yanking.)
A lot of people say they're looking for resources to compare candidates. This is a good one that I found:
At the same time. I think that, particularly when a country is in a situation where it needs to see serious change, bringing in what amounts to an almost completely inexperienced outsider is the wrong choice. My problem isn't that he wants change, no, I think he has some (not all) really valuable perspectives - it's that I don't perceive that he has the political tools (no pun intended) to actually get the job done. If elected, I see four years of stagnation and frustration. If a Democrat is elected, I'd like to see it be Hillary. I think she has enough valuable-for-the-country items on her agenda that with her political wherewithal she could do a lot of concrete good for the nation in four years.
Huckabee makes me vaguely uncomfortable. His tax platform (a national sales tax) is one of those "sounds good for about ten milliseconds" schemes, and isn't actually feasible, nor would it solve any of the problems he suggests that it would. His environmental agenda looks pretty good, but I wonder how he's going to implement any of it. I'm not sure which Republican I'd like to see elected, but I'm pretty sure it's not him. The "I'm going to create this malicious ad about Governor Romney, release it, and then yank it from the airwaves all the meanwhile stirring up enough interest to garner free publicity for the ad while putting myself "above" my own dirty politics" trick was - slimy - putting it mildly, and to me it undermines a lot of his own statements about his political integrity, etc. (Let's not be naive here; I would bet any amount of money that it was his intention from the get-go to create an ad that he could take credit for yanking.)
A lot of people say they're looking for resources to compare candidates. This is a good one that I found:
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