So things have been a bit crazy recently. I got back from Phoenix on Sunday and was met at the airport by a very nice guy. So nice in fact that I'm dating him now...yeah. I think I know him better than I've known anyone else at the start of a relationship. Neither he nor I seem to have much spare time right now what with classes and homework and other stuff - but at least we're both busy and therefore understanding.
So that was the happy, exciting event of the week. Other than that, things have been pretty mundane. Lots of not sleeping, and doing work, and a circuits test which was Not Fun At All.
There's only a week of classes left and I couldn't be happier. I just have to actually get through the last big push of work...although with any luck I'll be able to skip one of my assignments altogether.
Tomorrow is the first "ECE Day" here. It's going to be so cute (and nerdy!) We're doing a dunk tank with a bunch of the professors (and a grad student or two?) and a bunch of other ECE related stuff. I helped put together a slide show talking about the history of the department. There were a lot of hilarious pictures from professors back when they were in their 20's and 3o's, although I didn't work on any of the pics...I just pulled out the text for the slides and chose the music. Also they're giving out an award for the best TA in the department from this year. One of the nominees was my 240 TA. It was kind of funny because the professor from the class e-mailed me since I always showed up at recitation, etc. asking me to write a recommendation letter in support of the TA for the award's selection board. So I did, because the TA was really good (better than some of the ones I have for 220 this semester...) and I hope he wins.
28 April 2006
23 April 2006
Seclusion's End
I'm about ready to head back from my awesome wonderful relaxing trip! I did a fair bit of writing and thinking while I was gone, and pulled out some of those thoughts to post here. Don't feel obligated to read any of it...it's kinda long and verbose. I don't tend to use very good English when I'm freewriting, and that's my perogative. :-)
Wednesday, 19 April 2006
One of my traditions when I'm heading out on a trip is that I always get to the airport early enough to have a meal at Friday's. I like to relax and have a good meal, and bask in the fact that I'm about to head out on another adventure. Right now I'm sitting at a table in the back (yes! I love the back!) facing the windows. The windows look out onto the runway, and I've hardly
seen a more beautiful day in Pittsburgh. The sky is completely clear and in the distance I can see a few cars on the highway.
It's funny; I've been sitting in this little back room before headig out in so many different directions over the past two years. It's really comforting to have a vantage point that remains constant even when my life is changing more rapidly than I ever imagined it could. Those little constants are what make it so enjoyable for me to run ahead into whatever comes. I guess
some would call that a crutch, but I call it balance.
(Later)
As the plane nosed down on the runway, I looked out the window at the mountains and the palm trees and tried to remember the last time I'd actually been in the Southwest. (Geographically, not the airline...:-P). Growing up, I always considered New Mexico and Colorado to be "home bases" just because I'd been born there (NM) and my grandparents lived there (both). A lot of our roadtrips growing up centered around driving from wherever we were living at the time to visit the grandparents out west. However, I realized tonight that I haven't been in the southwest for about five years, and even now I'm going to Arizona and not NM. The last time I was out here at all was the summer my grandfather died, which was after 8th grade. It really scared me to realize that I've spent nearly a quarter of my life being away from a region that I very much consider to be a part of me. At the same time, it's comforting to know that once something is a part of you, nothing can ever take it away or change it...
I spent another few minutes thinking and couldn't even put an exact number on the amount of trips we made; I just have a lot of snapshot memories.
Some of what I remember:
-Driving up to the house in Albuquerque in a hailstorm and Grandma running outside exclaiming "Oh, you poor people!"
-Sleeping in the office when my aunt was visiting at the same time we were, looking up at all her awards from riding that adorned the top border
-Flying out for Christmas and getting my first ever fifty dollar bill
-Being out on the patio one night in the summer with my grandfather and maybe my parents around, and getting admonished by Grandpa to quit taking life so fast and seriously (I think I was like 8 or 9 at the time, mind you....)
-Running up and down the spiral staircase that looked like something out of Beauty and the Beast
-Playing "Wee Sing" on the casette player and dancing around with my brother and having Grandma ask us to turn it down "just a touch"
-Eating at Gardunos and making a mess putting honey in the sopapias
-Long baths in the big tub in the master bedroom
-Looking through old photographs with Grandpa, and hearing stories from when he was dating my Grandma, as well as from my dad's childhood
-Walking through the street market in Santa Fe and hearing stories from the Native Americans
-Getting dragged into RC Gormon galleries in Santa Fe (admittedly, the art was much better than my young taste appreciated or had the patience for)
-Elton John, Sting, Steely Dan, The Beach Boys, and the Eagles on the stereo
-Going to a natural history museum and getting one of those perpetual motion planet satellite rotation things
-Getting this neat beaded bracelet and necklace set from Grandma and Grandpa and then breaking them both, sending beads flying all over
the tile in the living room...twice
-Being my Grandpa's "little princess" whenever we visited (or they visited us)
I'm really glad I came out here. On the plane I was thinking to myself about how silly I was being - dragging myself all the way across three time zones just for the sake of having some "space" and "relaxing." It's more than that, though. I feel like I'm retreating to something more fundamental in myself...and it strikes me just how lucky I am. The fact that I don't want to settle down into a sedentary life somewhere after college is more apparent than ever right now - it's so good to feel like I'm on the move again, even if it's only for a couple days. I never want to lose the expansive feeling that comes from experiencing so many different places...and it's not something I'm going to compromise again, for anyone. I'm promising myself right now that I won't settle down in one place until I'm good and ready...
Friday, 21 April
I'm taking a break from doing some homework, and decided to write some. One conclusion (maybe the only one) that I've come to in the past couple days is that when I see someone faltering or hesitating with something I usually try to help them out of it - talk them past their indecision, nurse them along, and try to get them to find the confidence that they've been lacking. I think that if I keep doing that I'm at least going to have to drastically change my approach. Whenever I've done it in the past I've ended up taking on responsibilities that aren't mine to carry. I guess it comes from being an idealist (or an engineer), and from having a sense of responsibility to help out whenever I can. I don't call it a "responsibility" in a negative sense; I really like being there and doing what I can for people. (To be fair, 12 years of Catholic education also did instill a strong sense of social "responsiblilty" in me but I don't really see that as a bad thing either.) I also tend to expect that people as a general rule are going to be honest and responsible for themselves, and not take undue advantage of others. However, I've gotten myself into too many situations where "being there" for someone, or trying to make them feel better, or help them fix their problems, has caused them to walk even further away from their burdens as I shoulder them instead. I hate just watching people and situations self destruct, especially when it seems like the remedy is so easily apparent, but I'm going to have to learn how to say "no" sometimes and stop feeling guilty for other people's shortcomings. I can't play both sides of the game anymore (especially in relationships) and I'm going to have to learn when to walk away from a situation instead of trying to fix it.
More than anything, I don't want to walk into any more relationships where the very first thing I do is "fix" the other person (be the one to initiate the relationship because I can tell that they're too shy to do it and I'm too blunt and straightforward for games, constantly convince them that they do have worth as a human being and that they're "good" enough for me, constantly worry about the potential for my actions to upset them needlessly, etc.) That might sound cruel, but it really is true that you can't love or care for another person until you love and care for yourself and are capable of standing on your own feet with confidence in yourself.
I've had at least one relationship that took that insecurity to the extreme, and as time went on I started to feel like he wasn't dating me for who I was or because I was what he wanted in a girl, but rather as a way to show people more about _him_, and his success as a human. He would make an excessive show of me or of his affection for me, and I think it was just that he wanted attention for it because he was too insecure about himself and his qualities (and jealous of people with real relationships), and because he was too used to always being the poster child of perfection and being "ahead" of or better than everyone else. Which was really a shame, because I still think deep down that he's a great, albeit insecure, guy. It made me uncomfortable though, and I wish I'd said something earlier in the relationship because I always really hated feeling like I was just being put on display. I should have discussed it with him instead of just ignoring it for months and months...
I think people take the phrase "I need you" the wrong way. "I need you" shouldn't EVER mean something like "I need you in my life to be sure that I am a valid human being whose life has worth, promise, and meaning." I feel like it should mean something more like "You are my favorite person on earth and I make a better team with you than I would with anyone else." That's what relationships are (ideally), right? It's some sort of partnering, it's some sort of being together in which the pair is more than the sum of the individuals. It's kind of like the idea of group projects.
In grade school, I HATED working with other people because everyone knew that I cared too much to let work go undone, and I was smarter than most of them too, so "working together" really meant that I got to do all the work while they just sat there and screwed around. My biggest pet peeve was when the teacher would purposely put me with the laziest, dumbest, kid in the class in the hopes that I would "rub off" on them or something. (Although in fifth grade the teacher did it a fair bit but I actually got on well with the other kid, and we knew and respected each other - and actually worked really well together. But that was because he had ADD and shouldn't have been still in fifth grade, and not because he was just another degenerate...) It wasn't until high school that I found someone that actually made working together pay off (Kathryn, I miss you SOO MUCH!! AHHH!!!). Again, though, it only worked because we both already were smart and somewhat mature.
Anyways, to sum up. Too many people go into relationships to fix or fulfill something lacking in themselves, and that's a really, really, bad thing that I'm not going to fall for anymore.
Saturday, 22 April
Tonight's my last night here, and that makes me sad. I feel like I could go for a couple more days in this suspended state, left alone with my thoughts and the sunshine. The next time I come to this part of the country I want to have a car, though. It was hard to see the mountains and not be able to drive to and explore them. It's been good to just confine myself to a small, beautiful space and let go, but driving is so theraputic for me and I would have really enjoyed getting out and seeing the area. I do know that I've made the best of the time, and I'm mentally and emotionally ready to go back to these last few weeks of classes. On top of that, I'm darker than I've been at any point in the last 8 or so years, and it's good. My skin isn't suposedly to be pasty white and it finally isn't anymore.
It's been kind of nice being totally anonymous these past few days. It threw me off at first to get called "Ma'am" constantly by people (and get offered wine at dinner every night) but as the days went by it started to really sink in that, well, yeah - I'm not a little kid anymore, and the real world isn't going to perceive me as one. Far away from any situations where I feel like I have to worry about what I say or do, or shove emotions to the side to worry about classes, I was able to reach back into myself and was very pleased with the girl I found. I was flipping through the channels on the TV tonight and ran across "Sweet November." I watched it without knowing anything about the premise, so of course I cried at the end. It was good, though. There was a time in my life when I wouldn't have reacted at all - I would have been too numb and detached to really find anything sad in it. There was another time in my life where I would have cried an inordinate amount and then been depressed for hours afterward. It was good to feel myself get trapped in a silly movie for a moment and then feel myself turn back out to reality.
All of this time thinking has led me to a few conclusions about myself. Some of them:
-I'm not nearly the introvert I tell myself I am. I'm more introverted than extroverted, but there are a lot of times when I truly do enjoy being around people and I think a lot of my social discomfort in the past has come from just not knowing how to act - or from being bored stiff by the people around me. (Is that mean? Probably...)
-I have a very assertive "Go for it!" sort of attitude that tends to scare people (boys). For some reason this got kind of buried for a few years but recently it's been coming back out more and more, and I like it.
-Aforementioned boys can shove it up their @$$ because I can't change something as fundamental as that (even if I wanted to, which I don't), and I'll wait as long as I need to for someone who isn't terrified of my sweet self...
-I absolutely hate routines. I purposely go to lengths sometimes to arrange things or events so that there's a chance of being surprised. Doing the same thing at the same time, the same way, tends to take the flavor out of life for me. I think that this may be more of a right/left brained thing. I'm more right brained than I thought before which is also probably why I can't keep a binder organized to save my life but if I've got a neat CareBears folder and a spiral notebook then I never worry about where my notes/homework went.
-My strong dislike toward routines is going to go a long way in my life as a transient...hehehe
-This is going to sound like a contradiction to a lot of you but I promise, it's not: As much as I dislike routines, I crave security and reliability. I need to know that the people I care for are going to be there for me, and I need to do better at being there for the people I care for. I wouldn't want to have the same pattern of events every single day, but I do tend to like having plans or knowing what's going to happen.
-I'm over Tom. More, I'm over the insecurities and guilt that surrounded me when he decided he'd had enough...I'm greatful that he called things to an end before we ended up married and miserable. I've had some time to figure out more of the things I think I'm looking for in a guy. I'll never be quite sure until I do meet "the one", but...lessons have been learned, and I'm to the point where I could date someone again. That's not to say I'm going to go running around looking, but I'm no longer in that strange limbo state of "single but not emotionally available" that I was for awhile. I don't think I'm going to go "running around looking" ever again...I think doing that would result in me ending up with someone who doesn't really have the qualities I'm looking for. I want my next relationship, whenever it is, to happen because I see specific things in him and he in me...
Somehow I think I found some of the inner strength and peace that I've been missing these past few years. It is really good to be myself again. Having these past few days completely by myself has let me figure out some of what really matters to me, and given me the patience to stick more closely to those principles in the future.
I've also decided that I have the best friends in the known universe. You all are amazing - you've all been so there for me, so eager to just listen and care. I'm so lucky to know so many different people in different places, and to always feel like no matter what I'm up to or where I am, there's always going to be someone I can turn to. I love thinking about all the laughter I've shared with you, and I'm thankful for all the times we've had each other to lean on. Being alone has done wonders for me, but life in general would be so empty without all of you. So, one last thought about friendship. I think that the biggest sign of true friendship, or maybe the biggest compliment you can give a true friend, is when you let your friend help you. I'm talking about things as simple as asking "Can I get you anything?" or "Want some help carrying that?" One of the hardest things in the world is to admit that we need anything, and most of us feel uncomfortable allowing anyone to serve us (in an unpaid capacity, of course). It's easy to feel vulnerable when you allow someone to serve you, but when you're close enough to someone to lose that discomfort and just say, "Yeah, bring me a cheeseburger!" - that's true friendship, and it is wonderful.
Sunday, 23 April
I had a really vivid dream last night, involving a guy from CMU (one of many by whom I've been shot down in the past 2 years). So I was at home and somehow ended up e-mailing some random guy (not from CMU) that someone said was interested in me. I did it kind of hesitantly, because I didn't know much about the guy and didn't think that he was very attractive. However, he wrote back and we agreed to meet up, and when I got there it turned out to be the guy that had shot me down. So we were going to hang out, and then my mom told me that actually I had to go into school. For some reason I was in nursing school at the place Charles went and I had somehow gotten signed up to do 2 shifts that day as a student following people around and helping people out on the floor.
Now, blood and that whole nursing thing in general aren't really my cup of tea. At all. And yes it is very possible to feel faint in a dream.
Anyways, I e-mailed the guy back to let him know that I'd be indisposed for the next 24 hours, and he showed up and gave me a hug. At this point he was kind of faceless...and before I headed into school, I told my friends that I'd found someone but the name I used was different than the one I emailed, and different than the one that I'd associated when I first saw the guy.
And actually, the whole thing makes good sense to me.
Wednesday, 19 April 2006
One of my traditions when I'm heading out on a trip is that I always get to the airport early enough to have a meal at Friday's. I like to relax and have a good meal, and bask in the fact that I'm about to head out on another adventure. Right now I'm sitting at a table in the back (yes! I love the back!) facing the windows. The windows look out onto the runway, and I've hardly
seen a more beautiful day in Pittsburgh. The sky is completely clear and in the distance I can see a few cars on the highway.
It's funny; I've been sitting in this little back room before headig out in so many different directions over the past two years. It's really comforting to have a vantage point that remains constant even when my life is changing more rapidly than I ever imagined it could. Those little constants are what make it so enjoyable for me to run ahead into whatever comes. I guess
some would call that a crutch, but I call it balance.
(Later)
As the plane nosed down on the runway, I looked out the window at the mountains and the palm trees and tried to remember the last time I'd actually been in the Southwest. (Geographically, not the airline...:-P). Growing up, I always considered New Mexico and Colorado to be "home bases" just because I'd been born there (NM) and my grandparents lived there (both). A lot of our roadtrips growing up centered around driving from wherever we were living at the time to visit the grandparents out west. However, I realized tonight that I haven't been in the southwest for about five years, and even now I'm going to Arizona and not NM. The last time I was out here at all was the summer my grandfather died, which was after 8th grade. It really scared me to realize that I've spent nearly a quarter of my life being away from a region that I very much consider to be a part of me. At the same time, it's comforting to know that once something is a part of you, nothing can ever take it away or change it...
I spent another few minutes thinking and couldn't even put an exact number on the amount of trips we made; I just have a lot of snapshot memories.
Some of what I remember:
-Driving up to the house in Albuquerque in a hailstorm and Grandma running outside exclaiming "Oh, you poor people!"
-Sleeping in the office when my aunt was visiting at the same time we were, looking up at all her awards from riding that adorned the top border
-Flying out for Christmas and getting my first ever fifty dollar bill
-Being out on the patio one night in the summer with my grandfather and maybe my parents around, and getting admonished by Grandpa to quit taking life so fast and seriously (I think I was like 8 or 9 at the time, mind you....)
-Running up and down the spiral staircase that looked like something out of Beauty and the Beast
-Playing "Wee Sing" on the casette player and dancing around with my brother and having Grandma ask us to turn it down "just a touch"
-Eating at Gardunos and making a mess putting honey in the sopapias
-Long baths in the big tub in the master bedroom
-Looking through old photographs with Grandpa, and hearing stories from when he was dating my Grandma, as well as from my dad's childhood
-Walking through the street market in Santa Fe and hearing stories from the Native Americans
-Getting dragged into RC Gormon galleries in Santa Fe (admittedly, the art was much better than my young taste appreciated or had the patience for)
-Elton John, Sting, Steely Dan, The Beach Boys, and the Eagles on the stereo
-Going to a natural history museum and getting one of those perpetual motion planet satellite rotation things
-Getting this neat beaded bracelet and necklace set from Grandma and Grandpa and then breaking them both, sending beads flying all over
the tile in the living room...twice
-Being my Grandpa's "little princess" whenever we visited (or they visited us)
I'm really glad I came out here. On the plane I was thinking to myself about how silly I was being - dragging myself all the way across three time zones just for the sake of having some "space" and "relaxing." It's more than that, though. I feel like I'm retreating to something more fundamental in myself...and it strikes me just how lucky I am. The fact that I don't want to settle down into a sedentary life somewhere after college is more apparent than ever right now - it's so good to feel like I'm on the move again, even if it's only for a couple days. I never want to lose the expansive feeling that comes from experiencing so many different places...and it's not something I'm going to compromise again, for anyone. I'm promising myself right now that I won't settle down in one place until I'm good and ready...
Friday, 21 April
I'm taking a break from doing some homework, and decided to write some. One conclusion (maybe the only one) that I've come to in the past couple days is that when I see someone faltering or hesitating with something I usually try to help them out of it - talk them past their indecision, nurse them along, and try to get them to find the confidence that they've been lacking. I think that if I keep doing that I'm at least going to have to drastically change my approach. Whenever I've done it in the past I've ended up taking on responsibilities that aren't mine to carry. I guess it comes from being an idealist (or an engineer), and from having a sense of responsibility to help out whenever I can. I don't call it a "responsibility" in a negative sense; I really like being there and doing what I can for people. (To be fair, 12 years of Catholic education also did instill a strong sense of social "responsiblilty" in me but I don't really see that as a bad thing either.) I also tend to expect that people as a general rule are going to be honest and responsible for themselves, and not take undue advantage of others. However, I've gotten myself into too many situations where "being there" for someone, or trying to make them feel better, or help them fix their problems, has caused them to walk even further away from their burdens as I shoulder them instead. I hate just watching people and situations self destruct, especially when it seems like the remedy is so easily apparent, but I'm going to have to learn how to say "no" sometimes and stop feeling guilty for other people's shortcomings. I can't play both sides of the game anymore (especially in relationships) and I'm going to have to learn when to walk away from a situation instead of trying to fix it.
More than anything, I don't want to walk into any more relationships where the very first thing I do is "fix" the other person (be the one to initiate the relationship because I can tell that they're too shy to do it and I'm too blunt and straightforward for games, constantly convince them that they do have worth as a human being and that they're "good" enough for me, constantly worry about the potential for my actions to upset them needlessly, etc.) That might sound cruel, but it really is true that you can't love or care for another person until you love and care for yourself and are capable of standing on your own feet with confidence in yourself.
I've had at least one relationship that took that insecurity to the extreme, and as time went on I started to feel like he wasn't dating me for who I was or because I was what he wanted in a girl, but rather as a way to show people more about _him_, and his success as a human. He would make an excessive show of me or of his affection for me, and I think it was just that he wanted attention for it because he was too insecure about himself and his qualities (and jealous of people with real relationships), and because he was too used to always being the poster child of perfection and being "ahead" of or better than everyone else. Which was really a shame, because I still think deep down that he's a great, albeit insecure, guy. It made me uncomfortable though, and I wish I'd said something earlier in the relationship because I always really hated feeling like I was just being put on display. I should have discussed it with him instead of just ignoring it for months and months...
I think people take the phrase "I need you" the wrong way. "I need you" shouldn't EVER mean something like "I need you in my life to be sure that I am a valid human being whose life has worth, promise, and meaning." I feel like it should mean something more like "You are my favorite person on earth and I make a better team with you than I would with anyone else." That's what relationships are (ideally), right? It's some sort of partnering, it's some sort of being together in which the pair is more than the sum of the individuals. It's kind of like the idea of group projects.
In grade school, I HATED working with other people because everyone knew that I cared too much to let work go undone, and I was smarter than most of them too, so "working together" really meant that I got to do all the work while they just sat there and screwed around. My biggest pet peeve was when the teacher would purposely put me with the laziest, dumbest, kid in the class in the hopes that I would "rub off" on them or something. (Although in fifth grade the teacher did it a fair bit but I actually got on well with the other kid, and we knew and respected each other - and actually worked really well together. But that was because he had ADD and shouldn't have been still in fifth grade, and not because he was just another degenerate...) It wasn't until high school that I found someone that actually made working together pay off (Kathryn, I miss you SOO MUCH!! AHHH!!!). Again, though, it only worked because we both already were smart and somewhat mature.
Anyways, to sum up. Too many people go into relationships to fix or fulfill something lacking in themselves, and that's a really, really, bad thing that I'm not going to fall for anymore.
Saturday, 22 April
Tonight's my last night here, and that makes me sad. I feel like I could go for a couple more days in this suspended state, left alone with my thoughts and the sunshine. The next time I come to this part of the country I want to have a car, though. It was hard to see the mountains and not be able to drive to and explore them. It's been good to just confine myself to a small, beautiful space and let go, but driving is so theraputic for me and I would have really enjoyed getting out and seeing the area. I do know that I've made the best of the time, and I'm mentally and emotionally ready to go back to these last few weeks of classes. On top of that, I'm darker than I've been at any point in the last 8 or so years, and it's good. My skin isn't suposedly to be pasty white and it finally isn't anymore.
It's been kind of nice being totally anonymous these past few days. It threw me off at first to get called "Ma'am" constantly by people (and get offered wine at dinner every night) but as the days went by it started to really sink in that, well, yeah - I'm not a little kid anymore, and the real world isn't going to perceive me as one. Far away from any situations where I feel like I have to worry about what I say or do, or shove emotions to the side to worry about classes, I was able to reach back into myself and was very pleased with the girl I found. I was flipping through the channels on the TV tonight and ran across "Sweet November." I watched it without knowing anything about the premise, so of course I cried at the end. It was good, though. There was a time in my life when I wouldn't have reacted at all - I would have been too numb and detached to really find anything sad in it. There was another time in my life where I would have cried an inordinate amount and then been depressed for hours afterward. It was good to feel myself get trapped in a silly movie for a moment and then feel myself turn back out to reality.
All of this time thinking has led me to a few conclusions about myself. Some of them:
-I'm not nearly the introvert I tell myself I am. I'm more introverted than extroverted, but there are a lot of times when I truly do enjoy being around people and I think a lot of my social discomfort in the past has come from just not knowing how to act - or from being bored stiff by the people around me. (Is that mean? Probably...)
-I have a very assertive "Go for it!" sort of attitude that tends to scare people (boys). For some reason this got kind of buried for a few years but recently it's been coming back out more and more, and I like it.
-Aforementioned boys can shove it up their @$$ because I can't change something as fundamental as that (even if I wanted to, which I don't), and I'll wait as long as I need to for someone who isn't terrified of my sweet self...
-I absolutely hate routines. I purposely go to lengths sometimes to arrange things or events so that there's a chance of being surprised. Doing the same thing at the same time, the same way, tends to take the flavor out of life for me. I think that this may be more of a right/left brained thing. I'm more right brained than I thought before which is also probably why I can't keep a binder organized to save my life but if I've got a neat CareBears folder and a spiral notebook then I never worry about where my notes/homework went.
-My strong dislike toward routines is going to go a long way in my life as a transient...hehehe
-This is going to sound like a contradiction to a lot of you but I promise, it's not: As much as I dislike routines, I crave security and reliability. I need to know that the people I care for are going to be there for me, and I need to do better at being there for the people I care for. I wouldn't want to have the same pattern of events every single day, but I do tend to like having plans or knowing what's going to happen.
-I'm over Tom. More, I'm over the insecurities and guilt that surrounded me when he decided he'd had enough...I'm greatful that he called things to an end before we ended up married and miserable. I've had some time to figure out more of the things I think I'm looking for in a guy. I'll never be quite sure until I do meet "the one", but...lessons have been learned, and I'm to the point where I could date someone again. That's not to say I'm going to go running around looking, but I'm no longer in that strange limbo state of "single but not emotionally available" that I was for awhile. I don't think I'm going to go "running around looking" ever again...I think doing that would result in me ending up with someone who doesn't really have the qualities I'm looking for. I want my next relationship, whenever it is, to happen because I see specific things in him and he in me...
Somehow I think I found some of the inner strength and peace that I've been missing these past few years. It is really good to be myself again. Having these past few days completely by myself has let me figure out some of what really matters to me, and given me the patience to stick more closely to those principles in the future.
I've also decided that I have the best friends in the known universe. You all are amazing - you've all been so there for me, so eager to just listen and care. I'm so lucky to know so many different people in different places, and to always feel like no matter what I'm up to or where I am, there's always going to be someone I can turn to. I love thinking about all the laughter I've shared with you, and I'm thankful for all the times we've had each other to lean on. Being alone has done wonders for me, but life in general would be so empty without all of you. So, one last thought about friendship. I think that the biggest sign of true friendship, or maybe the biggest compliment you can give a true friend, is when you let your friend help you. I'm talking about things as simple as asking "Can I get you anything?" or "Want some help carrying that?" One of the hardest things in the world is to admit that we need anything, and most of us feel uncomfortable allowing anyone to serve us (in an unpaid capacity, of course). It's easy to feel vulnerable when you allow someone to serve you, but when you're close enough to someone to lose that discomfort and just say, "Yeah, bring me a cheeseburger!" - that's true friendship, and it is wonderful.
Sunday, 23 April
I had a really vivid dream last night, involving a guy from CMU (one of many by whom I've been shot down in the past 2 years). So I was at home and somehow ended up e-mailing some random guy (not from CMU) that someone said was interested in me. I did it kind of hesitantly, because I didn't know much about the guy and didn't think that he was very attractive. However, he wrote back and we agreed to meet up, and when I got there it turned out to be the guy that had shot me down. So we were going to hang out, and then my mom told me that actually I had to go into school. For some reason I was in nursing school at the place Charles went and I had somehow gotten signed up to do 2 shifts that day as a student following people around and helping people out on the floor.
Now, blood and that whole nursing thing in general aren't really my cup of tea. At all. And yes it is very possible to feel faint in a dream.
Anyways, I e-mailed the guy back to let him know that I'd be indisposed for the next 24 hours, and he showed up and gave me a hug. At this point he was kind of faceless...and before I headed into school, I told my friends that I'd found someone but the name I used was different than the one I emailed, and different than the one that I'd associated when I first saw the guy.
And actually, the whole thing makes good sense to me.
17 April 2006
Achoo!
Yeah, it's definitely allergy season. Blah. Hopefully it'll be over soon! The weekend was really good, though. I hadn't been to an Easter vigil in years and years and years and the one at the Cathedral was absolutely beautiful. And not as crowded as the Masses the next day, apparently.
I spent awhile today thinking over my schedule for next semester. I still haven't fully decided what to take yet...there are a lot of math classes that look interesting and I have to figure out what makes the most sense for my major and interests. I'm only certain of 3 classes (Signals & Systems, Principles of Programming, and Theories of International Relations). The math classes I'm debating among are diffEq, linear, number theory, and matrix. I had the professor that's teaching matrix for concepts of math in the fall and I really liked him, so that's tempting. I think number theory would be super interesting; it's just a matter of convincing myself that I can actually wrap my head around the concepts. diffEq and linear just seem like good ideas for the major and I heard that the diffEq professor is a decent lecturer. Also there's another International Relations class I want to take (Arab/Israeli conflicts). We shall see, though. It's been really nice this semester to be finally only taking classes that I really want to be taking. I'm going to have to be careful not to take too heavy of a load in the fall since I might also be doing research in the CS department (*crosses fingers*).
Also had a math foundations of ee test today. Boy was that painful. I didn't study too much for it but I don't think studying would have helped me...none of the things that I got tripped up on were things I would have thought to look up beforehand. I seem to have continued my streak of nailing the problems that most of the rest of the class got tripped up on, and not having a clue on some of the "gimmie" problems. I hate when I do that, and I wish I knew why it happened. You would think that if I could do the hard stuff without a problem then the easy ones would be even less of an issue, but that's just not so...
I spent awhile today thinking over my schedule for next semester. I still haven't fully decided what to take yet...there are a lot of math classes that look interesting and I have to figure out what makes the most sense for my major and interests. I'm only certain of 3 classes (Signals & Systems, Principles of Programming, and Theories of International Relations). The math classes I'm debating among are diffEq, linear, number theory, and matrix. I had the professor that's teaching matrix for concepts of math in the fall and I really liked him, so that's tempting. I think number theory would be super interesting; it's just a matter of convincing myself that I can actually wrap my head around the concepts. diffEq and linear just seem like good ideas for the major and I heard that the diffEq professor is a decent lecturer. Also there's another International Relations class I want to take (Arab/Israeli conflicts). We shall see, though. It's been really nice this semester to be finally only taking classes that I really want to be taking. I'm going to have to be careful not to take too heavy of a load in the fall since I might also be doing research in the CS department (*crosses fingers*).
Also had a math foundations of ee test today. Boy was that painful. I didn't study too much for it but I don't think studying would have helped me...none of the things that I got tripped up on were things I would have thought to look up beforehand. I seem to have continued my streak of nailing the problems that most of the rest of the class got tripped up on, and not having a clue on some of the "gimmie" problems. I hate when I do that, and I wish I knew why it happened. You would think that if I could do the hard stuff without a problem then the easy ones would be even less of an issue, but that's just not so...
14 April 2006
The Remedy
So, this week has been pretty hellish. On top of the normal workload , my 211 project on file compression algorithms was due. I guess as far as it goes, it was a pretty cool topic but the coding was a major pain...by that I mean that between Sunday and Thursday I slept a maximum of 3 hours a night. Not nearly all of it was because of that project; but Tuesday and Wednesday nights that was a lot of it. We finally got it finished up today and handed in. I'm really glad we got to work with partners...I think it's the first time I've really had any satisfatction doing pair programming with anyone.
Anyways, the week was pretty intense, so Laura and I headed out this afternoon and had some fun.....shopping! Normally I'm not a big fan (too impatient) but I needed clothes and she needed clothes, so we headed down to Shadyside which is one of the cutest, most quaint neighborhoods I've seen! I wish that I'd bothered to get out more last year becasue I had no idea that there were so many neat places so close to campus...(that sounds like a commercial, doesn't it?) We ran around from store to store and I got an outfit to wear for Easter Mass and some super cute PJ's, and a couple shirts. She got some skirts and tops! We both kinda decided to splurge a bit and do something nice for ourselves...it was really good stress relief and I really like treating myself to nice things occasionally. I bought a skirt from Banana Republic (only one of the best stores EVER) and a sweater to go with it from the GAP. There was actually a super pretty blue/green dress they had a Banana Republic but they didn't have my size *cries*.
I think my favorite part of the evening was the music, though! There was a man wandering around Walnut Street playing the clarinet for tips, and he was really good. The first time we walked by him he was playing "Amazing Grace" and I got goosebumps. He was putting so much heart into it - it really sounded like something more than a guy with an instrument. Then we ran into him again and he was serenading a couple kids in a stroller with the Winnie the Pooh theme song!!! Then when Laura and I were walking back we sang Disney songs...I'm pretty sure that some people probably thought we were crazy but that's their problem.
Finally, we got back and watched The Little Mermaid. We agreed that the world needs more men like Eric.... Except the part where he's being stupid about kissing her and then where he thinks he loves Ursula just becasuse of "her" voice. I want a man like Eric. Not necessarily in appearance but definitely the personality. At least as much as a cartoon character can imitate a real person's personality.
All in all, a wonderful end to a stressful week. I've gotten kinda sick from the not sleeping and having a strange food schedule, but I came back tonight feeling more rested and refreshed than I did after my nap this afternoon. :-)
Anyways, the week was pretty intense, so Laura and I headed out this afternoon and had some fun.....shopping! Normally I'm not a big fan (too impatient) but I needed clothes and she needed clothes, so we headed down to Shadyside which is one of the cutest, most quaint neighborhoods I've seen! I wish that I'd bothered to get out more last year becasue I had no idea that there were so many neat places so close to campus...(that sounds like a commercial, doesn't it?) We ran around from store to store and I got an outfit to wear for Easter Mass and some super cute PJ's, and a couple shirts. She got some skirts and tops! We both kinda decided to splurge a bit and do something nice for ourselves...it was really good stress relief and I really like treating myself to nice things occasionally. I bought a skirt from Banana Republic (only one of the best stores EVER) and a sweater to go with it from the GAP. There was actually a super pretty blue/green dress they had a Banana Republic but they didn't have my size *cries*.
I think my favorite part of the evening was the music, though! There was a man wandering around Walnut Street playing the clarinet for tips, and he was really good. The first time we walked by him he was playing "Amazing Grace" and I got goosebumps. He was putting so much heart into it - it really sounded like something more than a guy with an instrument. Then we ran into him again and he was serenading a couple kids in a stroller with the Winnie the Pooh theme song!!! Then when Laura and I were walking back we sang Disney songs...I'm pretty sure that some people probably thought we were crazy but that's their problem.
Finally, we got back and watched The Little Mermaid. We agreed that the world needs more men like Eric...
All in all, a wonderful end to a stressful week. I've gotten kinda sick from the not sleeping and having a strange food schedule, but I came back tonight feeling more rested and refreshed than I did after my nap this afternoon. :-)
13 April 2006
Bus.
So, there's a really really busy street that divides most of campus proper from some of the dorms. And people always jaywalk across it, and I've seen (and had) some close calls but usually the cars slow down and nobody gets hurt.
A girl in the class of '08 here was killed a few days ago crossing that road.
Life.
Life is really, really important. Whenever anything like this happens, people always pause and reflect on life. The meaning of living life. We always say that we need to learn to not take the small things for granted, that we need to forgive as freely as we love, and love everyone as ourselves. We always say that we need to stop and enjoy things before they pass us by.
What does it really take to do that, though? What does it take to feel that so much in our core that we can't help but to live that way - really live it, instead of telling ourselves to live it?
Lent is almost over. I went into the season during one of the lowest points of my life. I set some personal goals, and I wish I could say that I'd reached them all. I've come close - I'm come farther than I ever have, but I'm not there yet.
Two things that I still miss from being with Tom are the way that we cared for each other (at least, in the beginning) and the way that he was the first person to really give me an outlet for the "girl" inside of me. Every time he knew I'd be crossing that busy street, he'd tell me to be careful. Every single time. It was so wonderful to be reminded of life constantly. I remember writing him long letters while I ate breakfast on my longer class days - writing without any practical reason except to care.
He was the first person that I could really be a girl around, too. It's been wonderful to have so many close guy friends - but the downside is that I've always had to hear about the babes they were into, I always had to just stand by and watch other girls in their perfect makeup and hair and designer clothes play games with the hearts of people I genuinely cared for. It was hard to feel like a legitimate girl myself since I never got the be the target of the flirting, the phone calls, the flowers, the nervous first dates...none of that.
But for some reason, to Tom, I was womanly. I even felt cute. I got to do things like giving backrubs, and caresses. I got to cook (and teach him how to cook!) while he stood there rubbing my back, or with an arm around me - just being more affectionate than anyone I'd dated before. I got to be someone other than the serious, sarcastic, touchy, overly moral and unreasonable Jenn that everyone else seemed to know, and instead I got to be seen as a caring, loving, sweet, intelligent, funny, cute, woman. It was like someone looked down and said "HEY! I know you! I can see your values and your hopes, fears, ideals, dreams, and flaws all together for what you are, and I think that you're actually just great!".
I miss being that girl, but I know I don't need another guy to bring her back. One of the hard things about going through difficult situations is that people tend to remember things that stick out a lot. This semester has really put a lot on my plate and recently I've been so worried that because people have seen me upset, and edgy, and really not myself lately that I'm going to be forever categorized as that to them. But I also realized today that I'm probably worrying too much (again) about what other people think and it's probably been keeping me from letting go and just taking days one at a time; situations one at a time, and living from moment to moment as happily as I can. So, that's my final challenge for Lent. I want to find that girl again and not let her out of my sight.
A girl in the class of '08 here was killed a few days ago crossing that road.
Life.
Life is really, really important. Whenever anything like this happens, people always pause and reflect on life. The meaning of living life. We always say that we need to learn to not take the small things for granted, that we need to forgive as freely as we love, and love everyone as ourselves. We always say that we need to stop and enjoy things before they pass us by.
What does it really take to do that, though? What does it take to feel that so much in our core that we can't help but to live that way - really live it, instead of telling ourselves to live it?
Lent is almost over. I went into the season during one of the lowest points of my life. I set some personal goals, and I wish I could say that I'd reached them all. I've come close - I'm come farther than I ever have, but I'm not there yet.
Two things that I still miss from being with Tom are the way that we cared for each other (at least, in the beginning) and the way that he was the first person to really give me an outlet for the "girl" inside of me. Every time he knew I'd be crossing that busy street, he'd tell me to be careful. Every single time. It was so wonderful to be reminded of life constantly. I remember writing him long letters while I ate breakfast on my longer class days - writing without any practical reason except to care.
He was the first person that I could really be a girl around, too. It's been wonderful to have so many close guy friends - but the downside is that I've always had to hear about the babes they were into, I always had to just stand by and watch other girls in their perfect makeup and hair and designer clothes play games with the hearts of people I genuinely cared for. It was hard to feel like a legitimate girl myself since I never got the be the target of the flirting, the phone calls, the flowers, the nervous first dates...none of that.
But for some reason, to Tom, I was womanly. I even felt cute. I got to do things like giving backrubs, and caresses. I got to cook (and teach him how to cook!) while he stood there rubbing my back, or with an arm around me - just being more affectionate than anyone I'd dated before. I got to be someone other than the serious, sarcastic, touchy, overly moral and unreasonable Jenn that everyone else seemed to know, and instead I got to be seen as a caring, loving, sweet, intelligent, funny, cute, woman. It was like someone looked down and said "HEY! I know you! I can see your values and your hopes, fears, ideals, dreams, and flaws all together for what you are, and I think that you're actually just great!".
I miss being that girl, but I know I don't need another guy to bring her back. One of the hard things about going through difficult situations is that people tend to remember things that stick out a lot. This semester has really put a lot on my plate and recently I've been so worried that because people have seen me upset, and edgy, and really not myself lately that I'm going to be forever categorized as that to them. But I also realized today that I'm probably worrying too much (again) about what other people think and it's probably been keeping me from letting go and just taking days one at a time; situations one at a time, and living from moment to moment as happily as I can. So, that's my final challenge for Lent. I want to find that girl again and not let her out of my sight.
Confuzzled
I'm in one of those situations right now where I kind of feel like I'm not being perceived for who I am, and I feel like there are some confusing things going on in the background (behind my back?). At least now I have the confidence to see that and not let things get to me so much that I get defensive and make things worse. I know that in the end it'll all turn out okay, and I know that in the long run I'll be glad for exercising some self-restraint for once. Sometimes I'm way too assertive and idealistic (read: critical) for my own good and end up hurting those around me...
It is frustrating, though. I never was a huge fan of being patient.
Also, I really really wish I could cuddle up with someone for awhile.
It is frustrating, though. I never was a huge fan of being patient.
Also, I really really wish I could cuddle up with someone for awhile.
10 April 2006
Logotherapy
One of my favorite books that I had to read during high school was Man's Search for Meaning, by Victor Frankl. It was divided into two sections: The first was an account of his experiences as a survivor of the Holocaust, and the second was a summary of logotheraphy, which Frankl devised as a result of his experience.
His idea resonated strongly with me because it provided a really good context for a lot of the conflict and tensions that seems typical of the high school years - everyone was searching for an identity, a uniqueness, a meaning. Out of this rose two (mostly imaginary, given the breadth of the actual "real world") difficulties: that there was not enough "identity" to go around, and that one's identity also had to be proven to be better than everyone else's. I think most people resolved both of these easily enough by finding a supportive, trusted, group of friends and letting the details resolve themselves.
One thing that I noticed was that most social groups didn't have very many people who were extremely similar. I mean, they might have dressed similarly, but beyond that there weren't actually that many matching personalities. I know that a lot of the tension I went through came from trying to figure out who I was and trying to differentiate myself from someone(s)who was/were, unfortunately, exactly like me in a lot of ways. Looking back, a lot of our "issues" weren't really issues and it's still sad to think that I lost a friend just because it seemed like there wasn't enough space, weren't enough different friends, in that one little school for the both of us to coexist without stepping on the other's toes. Being away from that environment, in a place mostly unconnected to all of them, has let me find the confidence in myself and the niche for myself that I really needed in high school.
I've noticed that finding meaning, for many people, indicates some sort of need to have an identity which is defined as much by what we do as by the perceptions of those around us. And I think that to some extent this is only rational - our view of ourselves can be as skewed as the views of those around us, and I think that to use others as our mirror is only human nature. I've also observed relationships (friendships and romantic bonds) ruined by tension caused in this search for meaning.
While I see the rationality and need for a moderate amount of the above, I also think that one of the most important challenges in life is finding this meaning (aka self confidence) from the inside out, instead of the opposite. I think that when people define their meaning in terms of having the same friends as a given person, or chasing the same boys as a given person, or making decisions based on the actions of another person, they cause themselves (not to mention the other person) an undue amount of hardship and hurt. Not only is a life fueled by jealousy and competition completey and utterly nerve-wracking and emotionally draining (speaking from experience here) but in the end, it only sets that person's own development back by quite a bit. What's happening to your real self while the outside "you" is running around chasing someone else's identity? Stagnating? Even worse, what happens when you're making life decisions based on the "outer" you and your inner you is sitting back, miserable and suffocating? Most people seem to deny themselves just because they think that their goals aren't normal, or mainstream, or profitable enough - but how many of our heroes are people who silenced those excuses and made something real out of their dreams?
My final thought is this: having one's own identity should not (automatically at least) imply that a person is incapable of successfully sharing one's life with another. Most of the successful marriages that I've watched seem to be successful in part because the couple has found a way to address the challenge of living a life that truly is one life, while still maintaining outlets for their identities. One of my favorite examples to think of is a military couple who never had children. The hustband has devoted his life to the military, and the wife does a lot of social/volunteer work that supports her husband's role. They both are extremely busy and spend their days completely differently, but the end result goes towards the same mission. It seems to be a good complement, and the sort of thing that I want out of my life some day.
His idea resonated strongly with me because it provided a really good context for a lot of the conflict and tensions that seems typical of the high school years - everyone was searching for an identity, a uniqueness, a meaning. Out of this rose two (mostly imaginary, given the breadth of the actual "real world") difficulties: that there was not enough "identity" to go around, and that one's identity also had to be proven to be better than everyone else's. I think most people resolved both of these easily enough by finding a supportive, trusted, group of friends and letting the details resolve themselves.
One thing that I noticed was that most social groups didn't have very many people who were extremely similar. I mean, they might have dressed similarly, but beyond that there weren't actually that many matching personalities. I know that a lot of the tension I went through came from trying to figure out who I was and trying to differentiate myself from someone(s)who was/were, unfortunately, exactly like me in a lot of ways. Looking back, a lot of our "issues" weren't really issues and it's still sad to think that I lost a friend just because it seemed like there wasn't enough space, weren't enough different friends, in that one little school for the both of us to coexist without stepping on the other's toes. Being away from that environment, in a place mostly unconnected to all of them, has let me find the confidence in myself and the niche for myself that I really needed in high school.
I've noticed that finding meaning, for many people, indicates some sort of need to have an identity which is defined as much by what we do as by the perceptions of those around us. And I think that to some extent this is only rational - our view of ourselves can be as skewed as the views of those around us, and I think that to use others as our mirror is only human nature. I've also observed relationships (friendships and romantic bonds) ruined by tension caused in this search for meaning.
While I see the rationality and need for a moderate amount of the above, I also think that one of the most important challenges in life is finding this meaning (aka self confidence) from the inside out, instead of the opposite. I think that when people define their meaning in terms of having the same friends as a given person, or chasing the same boys as a given person, or making decisions based on the actions of another person, they cause themselves (not to mention the other person) an undue amount of hardship and hurt. Not only is a life fueled by jealousy and competition completey and utterly nerve-wracking and emotionally draining (speaking from experience here) but in the end, it only sets that person's own development back by quite a bit. What's happening to your real self while the outside "you" is running around chasing someone else's identity? Stagnating? Even worse, what happens when you're making life decisions based on the "outer" you and your inner you is sitting back, miserable and suffocating? Most people seem to deny themselves just because they think that their goals aren't normal, or mainstream, or profitable enough - but how many of our heroes are people who silenced those excuses and made something real out of their dreams?
My final thought is this: having one's own identity should not (automatically at least) imply that a person is incapable of successfully sharing one's life with another. Most of the successful marriages that I've watched seem to be successful in part because the couple has found a way to address the challenge of living a life that truly is one life, while still maintaining outlets for their identities. One of my favorite examples to think of is a military couple who never had children. The hustband has devoted his life to the military, and the wife does a lot of social/volunteer work that supports her husband's role. They both are extremely busy and spend their days completely differently, but the end result goes towards the same mission. It seems to be a good complement, and the sort of thing that I want out of my life some day.
08 April 2006
More Random
-Regarding today: wtf? I will refrain from falling into a "AUGH WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME" type of post because it would be dramatic, unnecessary, and untrue.
-Humorous: I walked into the study lounge to do some circuits homework and one of the TA' s for my Math Foundations of EE class is sitting at the other table grading homeworks. I've been biting my tongue to keep from cracking up, or making faces, or doing something else (chatting him up about that test we've got Wednesday, grubbing for more points on my homeworks, etc.). I don't know why it amuses me, I just tend to not think of my TA's as being persons who live in the same building as I. At least now I can put a face to those miniscule, scrawled, bright red comments that define my Monday mornings now...
-Humorous: I walked into the study lounge to do some circuits homework and one of the TA' s for my Math Foundations of EE class is sitting at the other table grading homeworks. I've been biting my tongue to keep from cracking up, or making faces, or doing something else (chatting him up about that test we've got Wednesday, grubbing for more points on my homeworks, etc.). I don't know why it amuses me, I just tend to not think of my TA's as being persons who live in the same building as I. At least now I can put a face to those miniscule, scrawled, bright red comments that define my Monday mornings now...
Cherries?
It's not a new or surprising fact that being extremely tired / stressed makes one's mind play games.Enter exhibit A, left. I did a poor job of taking the picture but one might notice a row of trees with pink blossoms in the foreground. The row is actually parallel to the front of my apartment building.
When I stepped outside for class Thursday, the trees were in full bloom. Overnight (or in the past few days since I tend to be oblivious) they'd exploded into pink blossoms eerily reminiscent of the cherry trees in DC every year during the cherry blossom festival.
My mom used to take us downtown every year during spring break (the week after Easter) to see the blossoms. The night before, she'd pack a picnic lunch (always hamburgers and chips and a fruit and cookies). We'd get up early and drive to a METRO station and ride into DC with the morning commuters. When we finally got off at the stop downtown (I don't remember which one) my brother and I would run around, picking up the petals and throwing them into the air. As I recall, there were actually a lot more white ones than pink ones, so we'd pretend that the white ones were snow. Then she'd walk us around the mall and we'd look at some of the monuments. One year we were down there was the year that Fresca made that comeback, and there were vendors all over handing out free samples of it. We carried back as much as we could, just because it was free.
Every year we tried to see something slightly different than we'd seen the year before. The only distinct memory of seeing a particular monument I have is from when we saw the Washington Monument. I think we got tickets beforehand, or something, and then stood in line for awhile. I was terrified of riding an elevator up that high (what if we got STUCK?!?!) but I survived the perilous journey and the vew at the top was...incredible.
At the end of the day, we'd ride the METRO home (considering outselves to be METRO veterans by that point), eat dinner, and collapse exhausted into our beds.
Those were really, really good days. As far as things go, my childhood was pretty awesome. It seemed like my family was always off on some adventure or another. If it wasn't road trips during the summer, it was bike rides on the weekends during the fall and spring, or small weekend day trips to visit Civil War battlefields, or to one of the museums in DC, or picking fruit at a local (or not so local) orchard, or making pies and desserts from fruit we'd picked, or any number of other things my parents could dream up. There was so much that we just experienced, that no amount of reading or watching or imagining could have simulated. There was so much that we lived - there's so much more that I want to do.
It wasn't until late middle school/early high school that I realized that when my family was out having adventures on the weekend was when other people were doing all the "normal" things that I got made fun of for not doing (you know, buying clothes at Abercrombie and Fitch and the GAP, playing soccer and lacrosse, going to the movies, watching TV, etc). I'm not saying that there's anything inherently wrong with any of that - but I wouldn't have traded my life for one of theirs. I mean it was really hard to get made fun of, and to feel like I was lacking just because my family didn't really behave like other families, but whenever I tried any of the "other stuff" I was just bored. (I still don't have much patience for shopping, as much as I've tried and tried and tried to be into it.) Actually I would have liked to learn to play lacrosse but by the time I was tossed into it in PhysEd and was just getting knocked around by WASP girls who'd been playing more or less since they could walk...not so hot on it.
Anyways. When I was stumbling out the door for my 10:30 class (I know, I can't complain :-P) and saw the trees, I forgot where I was. I remember thinking "Oooh. The blossoms...I'm home!" and just feeling this incredible relief and weight lift off of my shoulders. A split second later, I realized that actually I was still in Pittsburgh. And I had to get to my circuits class. So off I went. A few steps down the driveway, I turned around and took a picture of the trees - not so I could have a picture of the "trees that resemble cherry trees in bloom" but so I'd remember to remember some really good days.
07 April 2006
One Down
Today's been a really strange day. One thing that I'd been worrying about finally came to a bit of a resolution and it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Did something daring, with no results whatsoever and ended up feeling a bit silly. Am still waiting for a 211 grade to come back that I'm pretty worried about. (All I remember from spring break was decompressing from school and Tom, sleeping a lot, and working on that project and thinking to myself about what a sloppy job I was doing on it and I've been paranoid ever since...)
I tried to be productive this afternoon but didn't really succeed...just a lot on my mind and then a growing headache in the latter part of the evening. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to knock out the rest of the things I've got to worry about. I was thinking about going on a church retreat but I decided against it...Spent some time with a friend and watched Dogma and I think that was good. I can still never tell where I stand with some people, and it's really disconcerting. It's been raining off and on all day today and the apartment is really quiet. It's good to be alone, good to finally be able to let my guard down and not have to worry about everything and all the people going on around me. In some ways it's not good to be alone, but there are few enough people that I can truly be myself around that this still preferable.
Blah, right now I'm just really tired, really drained, and really mixed up emotionally...just being a typical girl not knowing what I want or need.
I tried to be productive this afternoon but didn't really succeed...just a lot on my mind and then a growing headache in the latter part of the evening. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to knock out the rest of the things I've got to worry about. I was thinking about going on a church retreat but I decided against it...Spent some time with a friend and watched Dogma and I think that was good. I can still never tell where I stand with some people, and it's really disconcerting. It's been raining off and on all day today and the apartment is really quiet. It's good to be alone, good to finally be able to let my guard down and not have to worry about everything and all the people going on around me. In some ways it's not good to be alone, but there are few enough people that I can truly be myself around that this still preferable.
Blah, right now I'm just really tired, really drained, and really mixed up emotionally...just being a typical girl not knowing what I want or need.
05 April 2006
Bring Me Men*
I realized today that I have extremely high standards.
I mean, that's something I've known for awhile but there are a number of exact principles or characteristics that I'm more choosy about than I really ever consciously thought about. Growing up as a military brat, and having a perfectionist for a father, has made me expect certain things of the people around me (more often guys than girls). I realized that I haven't dated anyone who's lived up to all of those standards, which has probably caused me to lose more respect for them on a subconscious level than I previously admitted.
For example, there was one guy. I'll call him "Billy." Billy was a mistake in more ways than one, but one thing I remember most about him was a conversation we had some while after 9/11. It went something like:
Billy: "If they have a draft I'm gonna blow my toe off."
Me: "WHY?! Wouldn't that hurt?"
Billy: "Yeah, but then I won't have to serve."
I told myself at the time that I admired him for standing on his principles, and that I didn't care about something as silly as wanting or not to serve in the armed forces, but...holy crap. You don't grow up seeing the incredible things that people have done for this country and then support someone who would go to lengths to avoid giving any of that back. Deep down I thought that his attitude was immature, childish, and ungrateful, and that he had just insulted my entire way of life. I was surprised that I had to be the one to end that relationship because by the time I dumped him I had lost all of my respect for him and wasn't being the most caring girlfriend anymore.
I realized that I haven't dated ANYONE who would even consider serving in the military. All of them have said something along the lines of "I don't want to get hurt" or "I don't want to die" or "It's just not worth it" or something. I think on some level I've translated that (perhaps unfairly) as "I really don't have the character to make sacrifices for the good of anyone besides my immediate self, and I'm really selfish and kind of wimpy." One of them told me he was glad that I'd never be a figher pilot because he said it made him feel like a wuss thinking about me wanting to do that when he had no urge or desire at all to get involved with the military.
Ummm. Well buddy no offense but...
Alot of this goes deeper than the military thing though, and it's probably not the smartest example to use because now people are going to think that means I want an abusive, violent, and irrational male figure in my life which isn't true at all. It does, however, matter a LOT to me that someone (myself included) would have the stomach to stand up and answer the call, and it matters to me that someone would have the character and perseverence to seek out and surmount challenges.
In some ways it's like I've been "too strong" for most of the guys I've dated. I've been too assertive and too firm in my convictions - or at least more assertive and firm in my convictions than they have been. I've had a "suck it up" attitude (also due in large part to being a military brat and being one of maybe 10 people on earth who probably heard the word "no" as much growing up as they heard the word "yes"). Most of them seem to have been raised with a "nurse it along niiiiiiice and slow till it's better" attitude - and my impatience with that has also caused conflight.
Another of my ex's - we'll call him "Fred" - was the oldest child (or the only child, I'm not going to be too specific). He was also his mother's favorite and was used to getting....really really babied. Which is fine. For some people, that's completely fine. And I am sure he will find the right woman to provide the sorts of things that he needs. At the same time, I tend to lose respect for people who seem to just nurse along their injuries, or their hurts, and don't seem to have any desire to actually get on with life. I also lose respect for people who always seem to have to be the victim in EVERY situation.
I am actually a very caring, compassionate, person. However, things with Fred got to the point where one day I mentioned that I'd hurt my ankle from working out and his (only) response was something like "yeah, my knee really hurt today" or "yeah, my back is really sore." It felt like he had to have something wrong with him so he couldn't be responsible for caring for me anymore. He always had some sort of ache or illness, and it was just getting ridiculous because he never worked out or did anything active. If someone is truly injured or sick, I'll do everything within my abilities and heart to help out and make them feel better, but it started to feel like he needed to be cared for too every time I needed anything, JUST because he always had to hurt worse, or need something more. And I can only play that game for so long...I know that sounds harsh, and it sounds harsher than it is, but...there, I've said it.
I remember one time when I was in 5th grade, living in Alabama. I was in a construction yard doing jumps with my crappy bike off of mounds we'd built from dirt and boards and whatnot. I hit a board just the wrong way, went flying, and scraped up my elbow and knee really badly. I walked my bike home (with my friend adivising me not to look at my knee because it was pretty gross and she didn't want me to flip out). Mom cleaned and bandaged everything up and I sat around watching TV for the rest of the afternoon, and then I still had to go to church that night. (Think about it. Church. Knee. Yeah. I didn't kneel outright, of course...)
I busted myself up so badly that day that 9 years later I still have the scars. And I didn't lay around wallowing in self pity over it. I don't think I even cried. My parents never let me sit around feeling sorry about anything. At times that's been hard but I certainly wouldn't change any of those experiences. And it's been strange sometimes to feel like I'm more capable of bouncing back, picking myself up and moving on, making plans, holding things together, than a supposed "man" in my life. I don't think that makes me a monster, or unfeeling. I think that makes me capable, strong, and resourceful. I think that I've ended up with guys that don't have that same attitude because I'm so assertive that I'll go for guys that I see as "gettable" - someone that I can approach and initiate a relationship with. I've noticed that a lot of those guys also seem to be the ones who have very little confidence or maturity themselves. That in turn means that I've ended up making a lot of the choices and pulling a lot of the weight in the relationships.
I'm tired of being the dominant figure in relationships. I think me fulfilling what I mentally label as the "man"'s role has caused harm in (at least) two ways. First, it's made me not see the guys I've been with in their true light and not give them the credit for who they are and what they do bring to a person's life. Second, it's made me see myself as less of a female. Which isn't fair because I can't change who I am, or my work ethic, or my personal drive and initiative. Having those characteristics doesn't make me any less caring, or loving. I love caring for people and making people happy...
I think that the answer isn't for me to change myself, though. I really need to change the type of guy that I date. Part of that is a real challenge (and this is something I've alluded to before) because I know I'm capable of finding someone and initiating a realtionship, if I really want one - but the problem is that if I do that, I'll probably fix myself up with someone who again isn't suited to me in the right way. I know that it's more a matter of waiting for the right person to show up into my life, without me having to chase him down and construct something. And that requires patience. Which I actually have a lot of, albeit begrudgingly so.
*A thousand cool points and a huge hug for anyone who gets the reference.
I mean, that's something I've known for awhile but there are a number of exact principles or characteristics that I'm more choosy about than I really ever consciously thought about. Growing up as a military brat, and having a perfectionist for a father, has made me expect certain things of the people around me (more often guys than girls). I realized that I haven't dated anyone who's lived up to all of those standards, which has probably caused me to lose more respect for them on a subconscious level than I previously admitted.
For example, there was one guy. I'll call him "Billy." Billy was a mistake in more ways than one, but one thing I remember most about him was a conversation we had some while after 9/11. It went something like:
Billy: "If they have a draft I'm gonna blow my toe off."
Me: "WHY?! Wouldn't that hurt?"
Billy: "Yeah, but then I won't have to serve."
I told myself at the time that I admired him for standing on his principles, and that I didn't care about something as silly as wanting or not to serve in the armed forces, but...holy crap. You don't grow up seeing the incredible things that people have done for this country and then support someone who would go to lengths to avoid giving any of that back. Deep down I thought that his attitude was immature, childish, and ungrateful, and that he had just insulted my entire way of life. I was surprised that I had to be the one to end that relationship because by the time I dumped him I had lost all of my respect for him and wasn't being the most caring girlfriend anymore.
I realized that I haven't dated ANYONE who would even consider serving in the military. All of them have said something along the lines of "I don't want to get hurt" or "I don't want to die" or "It's just not worth it" or something. I think on some level I've translated that (perhaps unfairly) as "I really don't have the character to make sacrifices for the good of anyone besides my immediate self, and I'm really selfish and kind of wimpy." One of them told me he was glad that I'd never be a figher pilot because he said it made him feel like a wuss thinking about me wanting to do that when he had no urge or desire at all to get involved with the military.
Ummm. Well buddy no offense but...
Alot of this goes deeper than the military thing though, and it's probably not the smartest example to use because now people are going to think that means I want an abusive, violent, and irrational male figure in my life which isn't true at all. It does, however, matter a LOT to me that someone (myself included) would have the stomach to stand up and answer the call, and it matters to me that someone would have the character and perseverence to seek out and surmount challenges.
In some ways it's like I've been "too strong" for most of the guys I've dated. I've been too assertive and too firm in my convictions - or at least more assertive and firm in my convictions than they have been. I've had a "suck it up" attitude (also due in large part to being a military brat and being one of maybe 10 people on earth who probably heard the word "no" as much growing up as they heard the word "yes"). Most of them seem to have been raised with a "nurse it along niiiiiiice and slow till it's better" attitude - and my impatience with that has also caused conflight.
Another of my ex's - we'll call him "Fred" - was the oldest child (or the only child, I'm not going to be too specific). He was also his mother's favorite and was used to getting....really really babied. Which is fine. For some people, that's completely fine. And I am sure he will find the right woman to provide the sorts of things that he needs. At the same time, I tend to lose respect for people who seem to just nurse along their injuries, or their hurts, and don't seem to have any desire to actually get on with life. I also lose respect for people who always seem to have to be the victim in EVERY situation.
I am actually a very caring, compassionate, person. However, things with Fred got to the point where one day I mentioned that I'd hurt my ankle from working out and his (only) response was something like "yeah, my knee really hurt today" or "yeah, my back is really sore." It felt like he had to have something wrong with him so he couldn't be responsible for caring for me anymore. He always had some sort of ache or illness, and it was just getting ridiculous because he never worked out or did anything active. If someone is truly injured or sick, I'll do everything within my abilities and heart to help out and make them feel better, but it started to feel like he needed to be cared for too every time I needed anything, JUST because he always had to hurt worse, or need something more. And I can only play that game for so long...I know that sounds harsh, and it sounds harsher than it is, but...there, I've said it.
I remember one time when I was in 5th grade, living in Alabama. I was in a construction yard doing jumps with my crappy bike off of mounds we'd built from dirt and boards and whatnot. I hit a board just the wrong way, went flying, and scraped up my elbow and knee really badly. I walked my bike home (with my friend adivising me not to look at my knee because it was pretty gross and she didn't want me to flip out). Mom cleaned and bandaged everything up and I sat around watching TV for the rest of the afternoon, and then I still had to go to church that night. (Think about it. Church. Knee. Yeah. I didn't kneel outright, of course...)
I busted myself up so badly that day that 9 years later I still have the scars. And I didn't lay around wallowing in self pity over it. I don't think I even cried. My parents never let me sit around feeling sorry about anything. At times that's been hard but I certainly wouldn't change any of those experiences. And it's been strange sometimes to feel like I'm more capable of bouncing back, picking myself up and moving on, making plans, holding things together, than a supposed "man" in my life. I don't think that makes me a monster, or unfeeling. I think that makes me capable, strong, and resourceful. I think that I've ended up with guys that don't have that same attitude because I'm so assertive that I'll go for guys that I see as "gettable" - someone that I can approach and initiate a relationship with. I've noticed that a lot of those guys also seem to be the ones who have very little confidence or maturity themselves. That in turn means that I've ended up making a lot of the choices and pulling a lot of the weight in the relationships.
I'm tired of being the dominant figure in relationships. I think me fulfilling what I mentally label as the "man"'s role has caused harm in (at least) two ways. First, it's made me not see the guys I've been with in their true light and not give them the credit for who they are and what they do bring to a person's life. Second, it's made me see myself as less of a female. Which isn't fair because I can't change who I am, or my work ethic, or my personal drive and initiative. Having those characteristics doesn't make me any less caring, or loving. I love caring for people and making people happy...
I think that the answer isn't for me to change myself, though. I really need to change the type of guy that I date. Part of that is a real challenge (and this is something I've alluded to before) because I know I'm capable of finding someone and initiating a realtionship, if I really want one - but the problem is that if I do that, I'll probably fix myself up with someone who again isn't suited to me in the right way. I know that it's more a matter of waiting for the right person to show up into my life, without me having to chase him down and construct something. And that requires patience. Which I actually have a lot of, albeit begrudgingly so.
*A thousand cool points and a huge hug for anyone who gets the reference.
Open ze Mouth, Insert ze Foot, Chew
So I was talking today with a couple guys in NROTC. And one of them was talking about how he's planning on going to OCS (Officer Candidates School)...
For all you non-miliary brats, OCS is what the Marines put people through so they can be an officer. It's a few solid weeks of hell; literally one of those "if it doesn't kill you, it'll make you a better person" sorts of things. It's not usually thought of as being a pleasant experience, and I have SO much respect and admiration for someone dedicated and strong enough to choose to do that. I think that for someone to choose that path says a lot about their values and character, and also about the lengths they'll go to fulfill a dream that they really believe in. That plus serving the country is just awesome is my book.
And I wanted to say something to acknowledge that to the guy, and I open my mouth, and the following sentence comes spilling out...(in a completely cheery, non sarcastic, "I'm a complete blithering idiot" tone of voice)
"OH! That'll be fun!"
I meant to say something like "OH, awesome, you'll make a great Marine!" or something more along those lines, but...
Umm they definitely corrected me on my use of the "f" word and...yeah. I don't know why the ability to make intelligent, meaningful, comments escapes me at the worst times. I don't think I made a very graceful save of the conversation, and it wasn't like I could say much in my defense because then it would have sounded, well, defensive, and probably not believable and...... It also wouldn't matter except that I hate for people to think that I'm completely clueless about something I'm not.
Anyways, I've got a lot of stats to learn in the next 10 or so hours, so I'm gonna hit that up....
For all you non-miliary brats, OCS is what the Marines put people through so they can be an officer. It's a few solid weeks of hell; literally one of those "if it doesn't kill you, it'll make you a better person" sorts of things. It's not usually thought of as being a pleasant experience, and I have SO much respect and admiration for someone dedicated and strong enough to choose to do that. I think that for someone to choose that path says a lot about their values and character, and also about the lengths they'll go to fulfill a dream that they really believe in. That plus serving the country is just awesome is my book.
And I wanted to say something to acknowledge that to the guy, and I open my mouth, and the following sentence comes spilling out...(in a completely cheery, non sarcastic, "I'm a complete blithering idiot" tone of voice)
"OH! That'll be fun!"
I meant to say something like "OH, awesome, you'll make a great Marine!" or something more along those lines, but...
Umm they definitely corrected me on my use of the "f" word and...yeah. I don't know why the ability to make intelligent, meaningful, comments escapes me at the worst times. I don't think I made a very graceful save of the conversation, and it wasn't like I could say much in my defense because then it would have sounded, well, defensive, and probably not believable and.....
Anyways, I've got a lot of stats to learn in the next 10 or so hours, so I'm gonna hit that up....
03 April 2006
Ruminations
Right now I'm in the middle of a pre-lab for circuits and (this is so nerdy) but it's such a neat lab. We're designing toy versions of the Dolby filters they use to cut out hiss and some background noise on audio tapes, and the filters used to decode the signal into something that sounds good to listen to. I can't help but think back to elementary school, how getting to do anything hands on was a TREAT. This semester my only huge complaint about the labs is that they're so late... by the time 6:30 rolls around I'm not all mentally there, especially after having classes straight through for most of the day.
(awhile later)
Also I've been thinking a lot today about a conversation I had last night. I was talking to a guy friend of mine and we were discussing "women are crazy and men are stupid." Which sounds funny but it was interesting because we were tossing hypothetical based-on-fact situations at each other that represented some of the conflicts we'd had in past relationships and you could just feel the old frustrations come creeping out again. I don't know if it's scary or reassuring that some things seem to be just really common sources of conflict between guys and girls.
I think there are only two conclusions I can draw for sure. The first is that while those problems are so common, they are surmountable. For example, my parents have been married like forever (>25 years) and most people I know have parents who have also been. The second is that I'm definitely willing to wait around awhile before jumping into my next relationship: I want to be with someone, undeniably - but I want to be with someone real, I want to have a relationship based on more than "being lonely sure sucks a lot and you're kinda cute and funny."
I'm willing to just get to know people, take life a day at a time, and wait for something real to grow. Having the past month-ish (however long it's been) to just think about the relationships I've been in has been good for me. I think it's fair to say that I'm ready to step forward with life (into whatever that brings) but I'm not going to try and push at life anymore. Also much introspection regarding the past to come soon.
(awhile later)
Also I've been thinking a lot today about a conversation I had last night. I was talking to a guy friend of mine and we were discussing "women are crazy and men are stupid." Which sounds funny but it was interesting because we were tossing hypothetical based-on-fact situations at each other that represented some of the conflicts we'd had in past relationships and you could just feel the old frustrations come creeping out again. I don't know if it's scary or reassuring that some things seem to be just really common sources of conflict between guys and girls.
I think there are only two conclusions I can draw for sure. The first is that while those problems are so common, they are surmountable. For example, my parents have been married like forever (>25 years) and most people I know have parents who have also been. The second is that I'm definitely willing to wait around awhile before jumping into my next relationship: I want to be with someone, undeniably - but I want to be with someone real, I want to have a relationship based on more than "being lonely sure sucks a lot and you're kinda cute and funny."
I'm willing to just get to know people, take life a day at a time, and wait for something real to grow. Having the past month-ish (however long it's been) to just think about the relationships I've been in has been good for me. I think it's fair to say that I'm ready to step forward with life (into whatever that brings) but I'm not going to try and push at life anymore. Also much introspection regarding the past to come soon.
02 April 2006
I need
To get away from here. Also, and I've said this so many bajillion times before, but I need to learn to not be so open with people.
Right now I'm in one of those moods where it just feels like *nobody* knows me or understands.
Final rant: I was trying to be cute and put pseudo ML tags on my entry last night but blogspot ate them as html tags. Bite me, modern technology. (Also: bite me, inner nerd for thinking that ML tags would be cute.) :-P
Right now I'm in one of those moods where it just feels like *nobody* knows me or understands.
Final rant: I was trying to be cute and put pseudo ML tags on my entry last night but blogspot ate them as html tags. Bite me, modern technology. (Also: bite me, inner nerd for thinking that ML tags would be cute.) :-P
01 April 2006
Why Must My Teams Always Lose?
I'm watching George Mason, celebrated Cinderella team, slowly self destruct to UF. Nice job, guys. Almost the whole country behind you and yes, you find a way to CHOKE. Sweet. I know, it's just a game. I know, I know. And it's not that big of a deal, but just for *once* why can't MY team win?!?
Also there's something I realized today which kind of bothers me. Ever since Tom dumped me and I had to take off my ring and tell everyone and all that crap, guys who used to talk to me all the time suddenly don't. It's not like they were close friends, but they were people I'd see around in class and whatnot. I can think of two reasons why they'd quit being so nice as soon as I got dumped: 1)They have girlfriends that only want them talking to girls who are also taken, or 2)?? Paranoid Jenn says that it's because they're either now scared and shy or because they don't want to feel hit upon (even though I'm definitely not that kind of person), or something? I have no idea, but it's just a weird feeling all around. Grarrrrhghgh. That and there's this other person who is frustrating because he seems like he'd make a great friend but I think he thinks I have feelings for him and is avoiding me because of it, and that's just awkward and awful because I _don't_ and it's just...sigh. I think I just try to hard to get to know some people.
I also have a new theory regarding boys who have an above average interest in sci fi but that one is still under development.
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