I'm about ready to head back from my awesome wonderful relaxing trip! I did a fair bit of writing and thinking while I was gone, and pulled out some of those thoughts to post here. Don't feel obligated to read any of it...it's kinda long and verbose. I don't tend to use very good English when I'm freewriting, and that's my perogative. :-)
Wednesday, 19 April 2006
One of my traditions when I'm heading out on a trip is that I always get to the airport early enough to have a meal at Friday's. I like to relax and have a good meal, and bask in the fact that I'm about to head out on another adventure. Right now I'm sitting at a table in the back (yes! I love the back!) facing the windows. The windows look out onto the runway, and I've hardly
seen a more beautiful day in Pittsburgh. The sky is completely clear and in the distance I can see a few cars on the highway.
It's funny; I've been sitting in this little back room before headig out in so many different directions over the past two years. It's really comforting to have a vantage point that remains constant even when my life is changing more rapidly than I ever imagined it could. Those little constants are what make it so enjoyable for me to run ahead into whatever comes. I guess
some would call that a crutch, but I call it balance.
(Later)
As the plane nosed down on the runway, I looked out the window at the mountains and the palm trees and tried to remember the last time I'd actually been in the Southwest. (Geographically, not the airline...:-P). Growing up, I always considered New Mexico and Colorado to be "home bases" just because I'd been born there (NM) and my grandparents lived there (both). A lot of our roadtrips growing up centered around driving from wherever we were living at the time to visit the grandparents out west. However, I realized tonight that I haven't been in the southwest for about five years, and even now I'm going to Arizona and not NM. The last time I was out here at all was the summer my grandfather died, which was after 8th grade. It really scared me to realize that I've spent nearly a quarter of my life being away from a region that I very much consider to be a part of me. At the same time, it's comforting to know that once something is a part of you, nothing can ever take it away or change it...
I spent another few minutes thinking and couldn't even put an exact number on the amount of trips we made; I just have a lot of snapshot memories.
Some of what I remember:
-Driving up to the house in Albuquerque in a hailstorm and Grandma running outside exclaiming "Oh, you poor people!"
-Sleeping in the office when my aunt was visiting at the same time we were, looking up at all her awards from riding that adorned the top border
-Flying out for Christmas and getting my first ever fifty dollar bill
-Being out on the patio one night in the summer with my grandfather and maybe my parents around, and getting admonished by Grandpa to quit taking life so fast and seriously (I think I was like 8 or 9 at the time, mind you....)
-Running up and down the spiral staircase that looked like something out of Beauty and the Beast
-Playing "Wee Sing" on the casette player and dancing around with my brother and having Grandma ask us to turn it down "just a touch"
-Eating at Gardunos and making a mess putting honey in the sopapias
-Long baths in the big tub in the master bedroom
-Looking through old photographs with Grandpa, and hearing stories from when he was dating my Grandma, as well as from my dad's childhood
-Walking through the street market in Santa Fe and hearing stories from the Native Americans
-Getting dragged into RC Gormon galleries in Santa Fe (admittedly, the art was much better than my young taste appreciated or had the patience for)
-Elton John, Sting, Steely Dan, The Beach Boys, and the Eagles on the stereo
-Going to a natural history museum and getting one of those perpetual motion planet satellite rotation things
-Getting this neat beaded bracelet and necklace set from Grandma and Grandpa and then breaking them both, sending beads flying all over
the tile in the living room...twice
-Being my Grandpa's "little princess" whenever we visited (or they visited us)
I'm really glad I came out here. On the plane I was thinking to myself about how silly I was being - dragging myself all the way across three time zones just for the sake of having some "space" and "relaxing." It's more than that, though. I feel like I'm retreating to something more fundamental in myself...and it strikes me just how lucky I am. The fact that I don't want to settle down into a sedentary life somewhere after college is more apparent than ever right now - it's so good to feel like I'm on the move again, even if it's only for a couple days. I never want to lose the expansive feeling that comes from experiencing so many different places...and it's not something I'm going to compromise again, for anyone. I'm promising myself right now that I won't settle down in one place until I'm good and ready...
Friday, 21 April
I'm taking a break from doing some homework, and decided to write some. One conclusion (maybe the only one) that I've come to in the past couple days is that when I see someone faltering or hesitating with something I usually try to help them out of it - talk them past their indecision, nurse them along, and try to get them to find the confidence that they've been lacking. I think that if I keep doing that I'm at least going to have to drastically change my approach. Whenever I've done it in the past I've ended up taking on responsibilities that aren't mine to carry. I guess it comes from being an idealist (or an engineer), and from having a sense of responsibility to help out whenever I can. I don't call it a "responsibility" in a negative sense; I really like being there and doing what I can for people. (To be fair, 12 years of Catholic education also did instill a strong sense of social "responsiblilty" in me but I don't really see that as a bad thing either.) I also tend to expect that people as a general rule are going to be honest and responsible for themselves, and not take undue advantage of others. However, I've gotten myself into too many situations where "being there" for someone, or trying to make them feel better, or help them fix their problems, has caused them to walk even further away from their burdens as I shoulder them instead. I hate just watching people and situations self destruct, especially when it seems like the remedy is so easily apparent, but I'm going to have to learn how to say "no" sometimes and stop feeling guilty for other people's shortcomings. I can't play both sides of the game anymore (especially in relationships) and I'm going to have to learn when to walk away from a situation instead of trying to fix it.
More than anything, I don't want to walk into any more relationships where the very first thing I do is "fix" the other person (be the one to initiate the relationship because I can tell that they're too shy to do it and I'm too blunt and straightforward for games, constantly convince them that they do have worth as a human being and that they're "good" enough for me, constantly worry about the potential for my actions to upset them needlessly, etc.) That might sound cruel, but it really is true that you can't love or care for another person until you love and care for yourself and are capable of standing on your own feet with confidence in yourself.
I've had at least one relationship that took that insecurity to the extreme, and as time went on I started to feel like he wasn't dating me for who I was or because I was what he wanted in a girl, but rather as a way to show people more about _him_, and his success as a human. He would make an excessive show of me or of his affection for me, and I think it was just that he wanted attention for it because he was too insecure about himself and his qualities (and jealous of people with real relationships), and because he was too used to always being the poster child of perfection and being "ahead" of or better than everyone else. Which was really a shame, because I still think deep down that he's a great, albeit insecure, guy. It made me uncomfortable though, and I wish I'd said something earlier in the relationship because I always really hated feeling like I was just being put on display. I should have discussed it with him instead of just ignoring it for months and months...
I think people take the phrase "I need you" the wrong way. "I need you" shouldn't EVER mean something like "I need you in my life to be sure that I am a valid human being whose life has worth, promise, and meaning." I feel like it should mean something more like "You are my favorite person on earth and I make a better team with you than I would with anyone else." That's what relationships are (ideally), right? It's some sort of partnering, it's some sort of being together in which the pair is more than the sum of the individuals. It's kind of like the idea of group projects.
In grade school, I HATED working with other people because everyone knew that I cared too much to let work go undone, and I was smarter than most of them too, so "working together" really meant that I got to do all the work while they just sat there and screwed around. My biggest pet peeve was when the teacher would purposely put me with the laziest, dumbest, kid in the class in the hopes that I would "rub off" on them or something. (Although in fifth grade the teacher did it a fair bit but I actually got on well with the other kid, and we knew and respected each other - and actually worked really well together. But that was because he had ADD and shouldn't have been still in fifth grade, and not because he was just another degenerate...) It wasn't until high school that I found someone that actually made working together pay off (Kathryn, I miss you SOO MUCH!! AHHH!!!). Again, though, it only worked because we both already were smart and somewhat mature.
Anyways, to sum up. Too many people go into relationships to fix or fulfill something lacking in themselves, and that's a really, really, bad thing that I'm not going to fall for anymore.
Saturday, 22 April
Tonight's my last night here, and that makes me sad. I feel like I could go for a couple more days in this suspended state, left alone with my thoughts and the sunshine. The next time I come to this part of the country I want to have a car, though. It was hard to see the mountains and not be able to drive to and explore them. It's been good to just confine myself to a small, beautiful space and let go, but driving is so theraputic for me and I would have really enjoyed getting out and seeing the area. I do know that I've made the best of the time, and I'm mentally and emotionally ready to go back to these last few weeks of classes. On top of that, I'm darker than I've been at any point in the last 8 or so years, and it's good. My skin isn't suposedly to be pasty white and it finally isn't anymore.
It's been kind of nice being totally anonymous these past few days. It threw me off at first to get called "Ma'am" constantly by people (and get offered wine at dinner every night) but as the days went by it started to really sink in that, well, yeah - I'm not a little kid anymore, and the real world isn't going to perceive me as one. Far away from any situations where I feel like I have to worry about what I say or do, or shove emotions to the side to worry about classes, I was able to reach back into myself and was very pleased with the girl I found. I was flipping through the channels on the TV tonight and ran across "Sweet November." I watched it without knowing anything about the premise, so of course I cried at the end. It was good, though. There was a time in my life when I wouldn't have reacted at all - I would have been too numb and detached to really find anything sad in it. There was another time in my life where I would have cried an inordinate amount and then been depressed for hours afterward. It was good to feel myself get trapped in a silly movie for a moment and then feel myself turn back out to reality.
All of this time thinking has led me to a few conclusions about myself. Some of them:
-I'm not nearly the introvert I tell myself I am. I'm more introverted than extroverted, but there are a lot of times when I truly do enjoy being around people and I think a lot of my social discomfort in the past has come from just not knowing how to act - or from being bored stiff by the people around me. (Is that mean? Probably...)
-I have a very assertive "Go for it!" sort of attitude that tends to scare people (boys). For some reason this got kind of buried for a few years but recently it's been coming back out more and more, and I like it.
-Aforementioned boys can shove it up their @$$ because I can't change something as fundamental as that (even if I wanted to, which I don't), and I'll wait as long as I need to for someone who isn't terrified of my sweet self...
-I absolutely hate routines. I purposely go to lengths sometimes to arrange things or events so that there's a chance of being surprised. Doing the same thing at the same time, the same way, tends to take the flavor out of life for me. I think that this may be more of a right/left brained thing. I'm more right brained than I thought before which is also probably why I can't keep a binder organized to save my life but if I've got a neat CareBears folder and a spiral notebook then I never worry about where my notes/homework went.
-My strong dislike toward routines is going to go a long way in my life as a transient...hehehe
-This is going to sound like a contradiction to a lot of you but I promise, it's not: As much as I dislike routines, I crave security and reliability. I need to know that the people I care for are going to be there for me, and I need to do better at being there for the people I care for. I wouldn't want to have the same pattern of events every single day, but I do tend to like having plans or knowing what's going to happen.
-I'm over Tom. More, I'm over the insecurities and guilt that surrounded me when he decided he'd had enough...I'm greatful that he called things to an end before we ended up married and miserable. I've had some time to figure out more of the things I think I'm looking for in a guy. I'll never be quite sure until I do meet "the one", but...lessons have been learned, and I'm to the point where I could date someone again. That's not to say I'm going to go running around looking, but I'm no longer in that strange limbo state of "single but not emotionally available" that I was for awhile. I don't think I'm going to go "running around looking" ever again...I think doing that would result in me ending up with someone who doesn't really have the qualities I'm looking for. I want my next relationship, whenever it is, to happen because I see specific things in him and he in me...
Somehow I think I found some of the inner strength and peace that I've been missing these past few years. It is really good to be myself again. Having these past few days completely by myself has let me figure out some of what really matters to me, and given me the patience to stick more closely to those principles in the future.
I've also decided that I have the best friends in the known universe. You all are amazing - you've all been so there for me, so eager to just listen and care. I'm so lucky to know so many different people in different places, and to always feel like no matter what I'm up to or where I am, there's always going to be someone I can turn to. I love thinking about all the laughter I've shared with you, and I'm thankful for all the times we've had each other to lean on. Being alone has done wonders for me, but life in general would be so empty without all of you. So, one last thought about friendship. I think that the biggest sign of true friendship, or maybe the biggest compliment you can give a true friend, is when you let your friend help you. I'm talking about things as simple as asking "Can I get you anything?" or "Want some help carrying that?" One of the hardest things in the world is to admit that we need anything, and most of us feel uncomfortable allowing anyone to serve us (in an unpaid capacity, of course). It's easy to feel vulnerable when you allow someone to serve you, but when you're close enough to someone to lose that discomfort and just say, "Yeah, bring me a cheeseburger!" - that's true friendship, and it is wonderful.
Sunday, 23 April
I had a really vivid dream last night, involving a guy from CMU (one of many by whom I've been shot down in the past 2 years). So I was at home and somehow ended up e-mailing some random guy (not from CMU) that someone said was interested in me. I did it kind of hesitantly, because I didn't know much about the guy and didn't think that he was very attractive. However, he wrote back and we agreed to meet up, and when I got there it turned out to be the guy that had shot me down. So we were going to hang out, and then my mom told me that actually I had to go into school. For some reason I was in nursing school at the place Charles went and I had somehow gotten signed up to do 2 shifts that day as a student following people around and helping people out on the floor.
Now, blood and that whole nursing thing in general aren't really my cup of tea. At all. And yes it is very possible to feel faint in a dream.
Anyways, I e-mailed the guy back to let him know that I'd be indisposed for the next 24 hours, and he showed up and gave me a hug. At this point he was kind of faceless...and before I headed into school, I told my friends that I'd found someone but the name I used was different than the one I emailed, and different than the one that I'd associated when I first saw the guy.
And actually, the whole thing makes good sense to me.
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