There was a ladder in front of me stretching up to infinity. I climbed. And climbed. And climbed. I wouldn't look down; I couldn't stop. There was too much at stake here. There was a place I hadn't visited in a long, long, time and it was finally time for me to pay some respects and clean up some old messes.
I arrived at long last into a dimly lit, cluttered, grimy attic. I had known that the place was going to be a mess, but this was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. There was almost no light; if not for the vast amounts of STUFF inside I might have called it desolate. I began to try and sort through some of the objects, unsure of where to start. Large projects are always hard to tackle.
I turned around, and He was there with me. "Start here," He said, handing me a hunk of twisted metal, some sort of mass of bent arrows tangled together into...oh. It was a heart. It was supposed to be a heart. Really it was just a twisted mass of mistakes and projects gone wrong muddled together into a rough approximation of something sensible. He took the heart back out of my hands, and began to caress it. The arrows began to melt away into nothing, and soon the heart was golden, radiant. There was some love, some joy, in this place of confusion and disarray. I put my hands in his and together we worked on the heart until it was casting enough light to illuminate the attic. He carefully took the heart from my hands, and put it back in its container where it continued to shine.
I looked down at my feet and saw a series of plaques, the kind that usually are given as awards and have nice inscriptions on them. I cringed. There was a whole stack that said nothing more than things like "If I don't do this, then I won't be accepted." Or, "If I don't do this, he'll leave me for her tomorrow." Or, "She'll take him as soon as he doesn't want me" Or "It's so hard to keep up" Or "The pressure and stakes are so high" Or "I don't want to do this. Why am I?" Or "I'm betraying my family's trust for this" Or "I'm guilty." Or "I rationalize my guilt." Or "I had no idea he was doing that." The plaques were everywhere, printed in some fear-powered factory long ago. He approached me with a garbage bag and we began throwing them away. Piles and piles of plaques seemed to appear out of nowhere, but there was always a bag ready and waiting for them. I looked around and
I was back at Carroll High School. It was November of freshman year, and I was meeting someone after school. A friend of mine said that he had something to tell me, and I had a sinking feeling that I knew what it was. I was standing with him in front of my locker on the bottom floor. I looked up and there he was, hulking above me in typical CHS uniform, with white golf shirt untucked and poorly fitting khacki pants. A pen had leaked in his pocket and his pants displayed green smudges from it. He looked at me with terrified jade colored eyes and I took his hands, which were drenched in sweat. I took a breath, and watched while he mouthed the words
"I *like* you."
I had known it was coming, but I still didn't know what to do. A pit began to grow in the bottom of my stomach. I knew that he wasn't the type of guy I was looking for. He was funny, he was a good listener, but...he wasn't what I wanted. He wasn't what I needed. He was a good friend, though. Beyond that, I was lonely.
I told him that I wasn't sure if I could date him, that I wasn't sure if I liked him back or if I just liked that he liked me. I gave it a weekend. A week. Finally, my resolve broke down. The friday before Thanksgiving I told him that I could be his girlfriend. I wanted someone to hug and to care for, and I wanted to be cared for. Things fell apart, but in the beginning, I had the best of intentions.
I stopped. I'd had the best of intentions.
The girl in front of me, the girl that was holding his shaky, sweaty, hands was still innocent. She, standing there in her own untucked shirt and poorly fitting khacki pants, still knew what she wanted. She still knew herself, knew right from wrong, knew mind games from reality. Most importantly, she was still me. I was still her. Somewhere. I froze her in her moment, preserved her for always. Once I was sure she was safe and couldn't be tainted, I hugged her. I hugged her with everything I had. I hugged away the regret, the layers of rationalizing, the mistakes, the guilt. I was back at the source - maybe not *the* source, but definitely *a* source.
A few other hazy situations unfolded in front of me. Memories of semi-consciously finding ways to rationalize guilt with criticism, of rationalizing hurt with self-criticism. Realzing that things that were serious to me weren't serious to him, things that cut me deeply were surface amusements for him. Realizing that he isn't a bad person and honestly never wanted to hurt me - he just experiences reality differently than I do. Very differently - and therefore, I took things to heart and made things a part of myself, made judgments about myself, my world, my life, just because of some silly (and in the long run, insignificant) experiences and discussions. I let myself be pulled in so deeply, so hurtfully, just because I couldn't understand how fundamentally different we were.
It was time to let go, and let go I did. My mistake was not letting all of that go years ago after we broke up, but I was finally realizing that it was a mistake I could fix, if I would only let myself. I gathered me to myself, and took a deep breath. I found myself back in the attic, and saw that He had been making progress while I was away. Piles and piles of garbage bags were stacked up all over the place. I pushed them over the edge - they were gone.
The attic was still pretty grimy. There were still stacks of crud, of junk, all over...but I could definitely see some improvement. With every exhalation some of the grime dissipated. We sloshed some soapy water around on the shelves and floor, and unearthed some more plaques. Some of them were worth keeping, and some got thrown out. Finally, I was finished with all the work I could do right then. I left the attic a bit cleaner and less cluttered than it had been when I came. I don't know how many more visits it's going to take. Things take time, and even changes that seem to happen instantaneously take time before they really take root. It was a good start, though.
Surprisingly, I still even made it to class on time. wootwoot.
30 October 2006
28 October 2006
I love my Mom
Seriously.
I am so lucky. I know that not everyone can pick up the phone and just talk about worries, fears, insecurities, etc. with someone who's known them for 20 years and who can actually relate to a lot of their feelings while being experienced enough to give some valuable perspective and advice.
She also is the most intuituive person I know - which means I'm able to really trust her words when she tells me that I should consider things differently, or think about people differently, or anything. (And it's not that I don't trust people who are less intuitive on a personal level, it's just that it's easier for me to feel the sense in what she says, and believe in it more. So, it's an intention vs reality thing. Most people have good intentions, but Mom is almost always right about the way things end up turning out. And that means a lot to me.)
More than anything I may accomplish in my professional life - I really hope that when I'm her age with children and a husband of my own, I'll be able to give the same balance and perspective that she's given to us.
I am so lucky. I know that not everyone can pick up the phone and just talk about worries, fears, insecurities, etc. with someone who's known them for 20 years and who can actually relate to a lot of their feelings while being experienced enough to give some valuable perspective and advice.
She also is the most intuituive person I know - which means I'm able to really trust her words when she tells me that I should consider things differently, or think about people differently, or anything. (And it's not that I don't trust people who are less intuitive on a personal level, it's just that it's easier for me to feel the sense in what she says, and believe in it more. So, it's an intention vs reality thing. Most people have good intentions, but Mom is almost always right about the way things end up turning out. And that means a lot to me.)
More than anything I may accomplish in my professional life - I really hope that when I'm her age with children and a husband of my own, I'll be able to give the same balance and perspective that she's given to us.
Un-Miserable
I just got back from seeing Les Miserables at CAPA, which is the performing arts high school in Pittsburgh.
It was good. I spent the show drifting back and forth between the show and a lot of memories from high school. At one point I caught myself comparing the characters on stage to some of the actors from when I was involved with the Drama Club...and telling myself that some of the ones at CHS would have been as good as (in a couple cases, better than) the ones at CAPA.
I don't know if it was just nostalgia, or emotional attachment (?!) to high school, or what. But...there was really an incredible group of people at CHS. (I mean...the people here are great, too. I'm not saying any of this to cast negativity on anything.) But yeah. Good memories.
In any case, the show was damn good. Theater, especially musicals, always gives me that shivery electric feeling - something like total inspiration. Just seeing and experiencing such pure passion - something so beautiful, innocent, intellectual, and transitory does so much to uplift me and make me feel like there really is something to life. I mean, I *know* there is, but...I guess it's catharsis or something. I don't know. It's wonderful. I need to get out more (heh heh heh).
I've half a mind to go home next weekend. It's probably just a reaction to the academic stress here. But I won't have class on Friday and so it is way way tempting...mmmmmmm.
Also it appears that Kathryn is going to visit me in DC over Winter Break! I am so excited! It's going to be a blast. :)
It was good. I spent the show drifting back and forth between the show and a lot of memories from high school. At one point I caught myself comparing the characters on stage to some of the actors from when I was involved with the Drama Club...and telling myself that some of the ones at CHS would have been as good as (in a couple cases, better than) the ones at CAPA.
I don't know if it was just nostalgia, or emotional attachment (?!) to high school, or what. But...there was really an incredible group of people at CHS. (I mean...the people here are great, too. I'm not saying any of this to cast negativity on anything.) But yeah. Good memories.
In any case, the show was damn good. Theater, especially musicals, always gives me that shivery electric feeling - something like total inspiration. Just seeing and experiencing such pure passion - something so beautiful, innocent, intellectual, and transitory does so much to uplift me and make me feel like there really is something to life. I mean, I *know* there is, but...I guess it's catharsis or something. I don't know. It's wonderful. I need to get out more (heh heh heh).
I've half a mind to go home next weekend. It's probably just a reaction to the academic stress here. But I won't have class on Friday and so it is way way tempting...mmmmmmm.
Also it appears that Kathryn is going to visit me in DC over Winter Break! I am so excited! It's going to be a blast. :)
24 October 2006
The Blame Game
It's really hard to know how to deal with people sometimes.
I can't live people's lives for them; I can't be made to take responsibility for other people's actions, and it's just ...hard... to deal with people who seem ready and willing to take any difficult situation of theirs and make it somehow my fault.
I used to take it really personally when people would do that to me, and I have wasted a lot of emotional energy on situations like that just by letting myself get pulled into those situations and having to take on personal responsibility for things that didn't involve me at all.
I'm not going to do it anymore. For anyone.
It certainly could be that I interpret sentences more harshly than they're intended. (Not "maybe" - I know that I do at least occasionally.) But there's also definitely a difference between saying "Could you please help me do this?" and "You need to do xyz so I don't mess up again."
So I guess what I'm really getting at is:
1) It's okay to mess up. There doesn't have to be a blame assignment every time something goes a bit wrong. Admitting that you're fallible will actually make life less terrifying in the long run...
2) For goodness' sake - politeness, politeness, politeness!
I can't live people's lives for them; I can't be made to take responsibility for other people's actions, and it's just ...hard... to deal with people who seem ready and willing to take any difficult situation of theirs and make it somehow my fault.
I used to take it really personally when people would do that to me, and I have wasted a lot of emotional energy on situations like that just by letting myself get pulled into those situations and having to take on personal responsibility for things that didn't involve me at all.
I'm not going to do it anymore. For anyone.
It certainly could be that I interpret sentences more harshly than they're intended. (Not "maybe" - I know that I do at least occasionally.) But there's also definitely a difference between saying "Could you please help me do this?" and "You need to do xyz so I don't mess up again."
So I guess what I'm really getting at is:
1) It's okay to mess up. There doesn't have to be a blame assignment every time something goes a bit wrong. Admitting that you're fallible will actually make life less terrifying in the long run...
2) For goodness' sake - politeness, politeness, politeness!
22 October 2006
Roads
So, I am back in Pittsburgh...really tired, which is unfortunate given the amount of work I've yet to do.
Anyway.
On the drive back here I had one of those shivery moments of clarity, where everything came together (or at least seemed to). I'm going to give it a few weeks and see if I still feel the way I do about the "immediately post-graduation" plan that came together while I was zipping along the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Right now I feel like I'm definitely going to go for it, but I've been known to jump into things rather rashly before, and this is something that deserves some contemplation.
Anyway.
On the drive back here I had one of those shivery moments of clarity, where everything came together (or at least seemed to). I'm going to give it a few weeks and see if I still feel the way I do about the "immediately post-graduation" plan that came together while I was zipping along the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Right now I feel like I'm definitely going to go for it, but I've been known to jump into things rather rashly before, and this is something that deserves some contemplation.
21 October 2006
Stolen
I was in a room in a house in a room in my house.
Actually, I was two rooms into the inner house. I was staring into a mirror, trying to grasp at the essence of something just beyond my comprehension - something warm, wonderful, safe, and most of all - understanding. I was going to learn how to understand myself, and then - others.
I lowered my defenses completely, realizing that openness was the only way to
really accept the experience. It started to feel like I was standing in a soup comprised from a homogeneous mixture of my soul and some...other. I could perceive even the smallest fluctuation in my surroundings, and I inched closer to the mirror.
All of a sudden, the soup was sloshing all over the room in sick, disturbing waves. I could physically feel fear and distrust travelling in waves into my surroundings. A riotous disturbance right outside of the sanctuary - my sanctuary - was upsetting the balance inside, and as the waves began to crest a chunk of the ether vanished, as if it had suddenly become a cookie in the paw of cookie monster. I struggled to stay open - staying open was a mistake. The harder I tried, the more of me that vanished.
Soon, I was closed again - more closed than I had been before I started. I was clutching onto what remained, trembling, shying away from the tendrils of insecurity and mistrust which had been jealously gobbling at the byproduct of my intentions. The other was gone, too...
"I" was dead.
Not gone, or completely destroyed. But dead for the moment - connectionless, and lifeless. Burned out. A battery with a nonexistent voltage difference.
---------------------
No, I'm not going to interpret or contextualize ANY of that, beyond the following:
1. It is NOT an allegory for any specific event in my life (especially anything that happened within the last couple of months).
2. It is not the result of any sort of inebriation or intoxication.
Actually, I was two rooms into the inner house. I was staring into a mirror, trying to grasp at the essence of something just beyond my comprehension - something warm, wonderful, safe, and most of all - understanding. I was going to learn how to understand myself, and then - others.
I lowered my defenses completely, realizing that openness was the only way to
really accept the experience. It started to feel like I was standing in a soup comprised from a homogeneous mixture of my soul and some...other. I could perceive even the smallest fluctuation in my surroundings, and I inched closer to the mirror.
All of a sudden, the soup was sloshing all over the room in sick, disturbing waves. I could physically feel fear and distrust travelling in waves into my surroundings. A riotous disturbance right outside of the sanctuary - my sanctuary - was upsetting the balance inside, and as the waves began to crest a chunk of the ether vanished, as if it had suddenly become a cookie in the paw of cookie monster. I struggled to stay open - staying open was a mistake. The harder I tried, the more of me that vanished.
Soon, I was closed again - more closed than I had been before I started. I was clutching onto what remained, trembling, shying away from the tendrils of insecurity and mistrust which had been jealously gobbling at the byproduct of my intentions. The other was gone, too...
"I" was dead.
Not gone, or completely destroyed. But dead for the moment - connectionless, and lifeless. Burned out. A battery with a nonexistent voltage difference.
---------------------
No, I'm not going to interpret or contextualize ANY of that, beyond the following:
1. It is NOT an allegory for any specific event in my life (especially anything that happened within the last couple of months).
2. It is not the result of any sort of inebriation or intoxication.
20 October 2006
Amazing Day
Today was simply astoundingly wonderful.
I got home last night around 2030 and was completely exhausted, so I went to bed by 2100...of course that meant that I woke up at 0600 this morning. I ate breakfast with my Mom before she left for work, took my time showering and futzing around, then grabbed my stuff and headed out for the Metro station.
Oh yes. Today was going to be a DC kind of day. My only regret is that I let the battery on my camera run out and hadn't recharged it, so I didn't get to take pictures. Next time...
Anyway. I rode down to Farragut West and walked from there to St. Matthew's Cathedral. I hadn't been inside before and the inside was beautiful. For those of you who haven't seen it, most of the artwork consists of huge, detailed mosaics. And the altar came from India, and was white marble with flowers made from some kind of red stone set into it. Beautiful. I stayed for Mass, and then wandered around the Golden Triangle area looking for a place to eat. (Well...choosing a place to eat). I finally settled at some small Italian bistro, and the food was yum yummy. Then I stopped by the HUGE Borders on the corner of 18th and ... H? K? One of those streets.
After I was done at Borders, I decided on a whim to Metro down to Arlington National Cemetery. The sun was shining; the sky was cloudless - I couldn't have asked for a prettier day. The Cemetery was really peaceful and ... inspiring. I wandered around looking at tombstones a bit, and was really struck by the depth of human life and emotion. So much was expressed just in the labels on the tombstones...there was one of a woman, and next to it was the one for her daughter, who was only a day old. There was another of a WWII vet who died in 1956, and next to it was his wife's. She had died earlier this month - that makes 50 years of devotion, of love, for someone she didn't even get to physically touch, whose voice she didn't get to hear. For her, that must have been enough - how fantastic that love must have been (or is...)
Anyway, after a bit I headed back out on the Metro, and proceeded to spend several hours in a Starbuck's doing Signals & Systems homework. The incredible part was that I got it almost all the way finished, and felt like I understood the material relatively well. Which was...nearly a first for that class.
Finally, I met up with Adam and we had coffee. It was good to see him (and Chris!) and to laugh and catch up on old times. Also I had a fortune cookie, and the fortune was quite auspicious...
All in all, today was extremely satisfying. It was awesome to be in DC, awesome to get things done, awesome to see a friend, and awesome to come home to my big warm snuggly bed with flannel sheets and lots of blankets.
I am a happy, happy, girl right now.
(Oh, yeah. There's also somehow a big crack on my windshield. I will have to figure out how to deal with that tomorrow...even discovering that today didn't do much to put a dent in the 'today rocks' index....)
I got home last night around 2030 and was completely exhausted, so I went to bed by 2100...of course that meant that I woke up at 0600 this morning. I ate breakfast with my Mom before she left for work, took my time showering and futzing around, then grabbed my stuff and headed out for the Metro station.
Oh yes. Today was going to be a DC kind of day. My only regret is that I let the battery on my camera run out and hadn't recharged it, so I didn't get to take pictures. Next time...
Anyway. I rode down to Farragut West and walked from there to St. Matthew's Cathedral. I hadn't been inside before and the inside was beautiful. For those of you who haven't seen it, most of the artwork consists of huge, detailed mosaics. And the altar came from India, and was white marble with flowers made from some kind of red stone set into it. Beautiful. I stayed for Mass, and then wandered around the Golden Triangle area looking for a place to eat. (Well...choosing a place to eat). I finally settled at some small Italian bistro, and the food was yum yummy. Then I stopped by the HUGE Borders on the corner of 18th and ... H? K? One of those streets.
After I was done at Borders, I decided on a whim to Metro down to Arlington National Cemetery. The sun was shining; the sky was cloudless - I couldn't have asked for a prettier day. The Cemetery was really peaceful and ... inspiring. I wandered around looking at tombstones a bit, and was really struck by the depth of human life and emotion. So much was expressed just in the labels on the tombstones...there was one of a woman, and next to it was the one for her daughter, who was only a day old. There was another of a WWII vet who died in 1956, and next to it was his wife's. She had died earlier this month - that makes 50 years of devotion, of love, for someone she didn't even get to physically touch, whose voice she didn't get to hear. For her, that must have been enough - how fantastic that love must have been (or is...)
Anyway, after a bit I headed back out on the Metro, and proceeded to spend several hours in a Starbuck's doing Signals & Systems homework. The incredible part was that I got it almost all the way finished, and felt like I understood the material relatively well. Which was...nearly a first for that class.
Finally, I met up with Adam and we had coffee. It was good to see him (and Chris!) and to laugh and catch up on old times. Also I had a fortune cookie, and the fortune was quite auspicious...
All in all, today was extremely satisfying. It was awesome to be in DC, awesome to get things done, awesome to see a friend, and awesome to come home to my big warm snuggly bed with flannel sheets and lots of blankets.
I am a happy, happy, girl right now.
(Oh, yeah. There's also somehow a big crack on my windshield. I will have to figure out how to deal with that tomorrow...even discovering that today didn't do much to put a dent in the 'today rocks' index....)
14 October 2006
Extra-intra-personal
I've been reading bits and pieces of a book called "Self Made Man" that I borrowed from my awesome roommate. It's about a female who cross-dresses as a male and so lives as a part of the "male" world for awhile, in order to get an idea of what things are like inside the male psyche. Of course, dressing and talking like a man didn't automatically convert her to a male with male thoughts, attitudes, etc. but it turns out that passing for a man meant that she got treated as males do, and so she gained a number of insights into at least the societal (and social) expectations placed on guys, as well as how guys act around their "buddies", how they act at work with "one of their own", etc.
She makes a couple of comments in her chapters about sex and romance that really stuck with me. Her sex chapter is mostly about her experience at strip clubs - dingy places with jaded men and burned out women. She talks a lot about the emotional void that both sexes involved there tend to carry about. In a lot of ways, it was actually comforting to read - I've always felt extremely threatened by the sex industry. I have no way to compete with those leggy, chesty, airbrush-makeup "beauties" but I don't feel like I want to anymore. To compete with them is to emulate it, and ... I don't want to be that, regardless of how it feels to be watching a movie with a boyfriend and notice him oogling the tits on screen.
She talks about men having some sort of inner "bestial urge" that drives them to those places, but I'm also confident that some men actually succeed in owning that urge and channeling it into a more substantial sort of relationship. (I would know. I've dated at least one guy who succeeded at that, and know a handful of others who tend to live that way...)
The other interesting point she makes is about the expectations that the different genders place on each other. She went on a number of dates with other girls (as a guy) and notes that she felt like she had to "prove" herself to them, even the ones who weren't exactly catches themselves. Apparently it's pretty common for girls to expect a guy to be their "emotional crutch" and to be different than that "uncaring jerk of an ex" (probably one in a long line of uncaring, unfriendly jerks....) My guess is that relationships like that fall apart so much from the tensions created when those overblown expectations fail, and by the resentment they cause on both sides when each person is trying to deal with their needs and their ability to give to the other person, respectively.
I'm not putting all the blame on women. Certainly one can generalize similarly about men and the physical demands they can place on girls, as well as the way that some men truly ARE insenstive and can play a pretty big "life wreker" role all by themselves.
So, I think that both extremes can be moderated a bit, and one ends up at the crossroads of most "typical" relationships, with the discrepancies in needs (or at least communication) described as the "seed of discontent" sown between man and women. Which is interesting, because the homily at Mass last Sunday was about this "seed of discontent" (SOD henceforth) and the best ways to handle it.
The Church traces this SOD back to the creation story, when Adam and Eve fell into disgrace with God because of Eve tempting Adam (and the devil tempting Eve, etc...) So, from the very beginning there has been this tension between men and women, and it originally came from men and women giving into their own selfish desires - note that I said selfish desires, and not "true and actual needs." So, (and even if one wants to treat the Bible as allegory) relationships are automatically packaged with the SOD ready and waiting to take root and blossom - but - there is salvation! (Both in the religious and in the relationship sense.)
In the Biblical sense, salvation comes through Christ, and is characterized by his giving. Through his gift, mankind finds freedom from sin and despair within the ultimate sacrafice. Relationships, at least in the Catholic perspective, are intended to mirror this sort of giving. Within giving, one finds freemdom from all those funny societal expectations and the glorified drama that one generally finds in relationships, and instead focuses on creating a true partnership with another. It's like groupwork in class - you both have a vested interest in the outcome, and you want to only work with people who are going to complement your skills (opposites attract!), and the project is going to fail if one person expects the other to focus both on the project and on things external to that ("Hey, write my MATLAB for me so I can paint my nails" Or "Hey, write my section of the final paper so I can watch the game.")
I guess what I'm saying is that healthy relationships seem to have at least two major prerequisites. The first is a confident, healthy attitude toward one's self, so that one doesn't end up imposing conditions or unfair expectations on the relationship. (This is kind of like...Christ didn't say "I'll die for you but only if you promise to love me forever." Instead, it was something like "I know that I am God and Man, and so I will die for you becuase I love you, and my death can save you. I will always be here for when you choose to love me.") The other prerequisite (which has the former as its own prereq, I think...) is, of course, giving. Giving is what follows from being as complete a person as one can be, and it is only through giving and believing that a relationship changes from an emotional association of two people into a truly productive union.
Um. Right.
*Steps off soapbox, dusts it off, picks it up, and walks away*
She makes a couple of comments in her chapters about sex and romance that really stuck with me. Her sex chapter is mostly about her experience at strip clubs - dingy places with jaded men and burned out women. She talks a lot about the emotional void that both sexes involved there tend to carry about. In a lot of ways, it was actually comforting to read - I've always felt extremely threatened by the sex industry. I have no way to compete with those leggy, chesty, airbrush-makeup "beauties" but I don't feel like I want to anymore. To compete with them is to emulate it, and ... I don't want to be that, regardless of how it feels to be watching a movie with a boyfriend and notice him oogling the tits on screen.
She talks about men having some sort of inner "bestial urge" that drives them to those places, but I'm also confident that some men actually succeed in owning that urge and channeling it into a more substantial sort of relationship. (I would know. I've dated at least one guy who succeeded at that, and know a handful of others who tend to live that way...)
The other interesting point she makes is about the expectations that the different genders place on each other. She went on a number of dates with other girls (as a guy) and notes that she felt like she had to "prove" herself to them, even the ones who weren't exactly catches themselves. Apparently it's pretty common for girls to expect a guy to be their "emotional crutch" and to be different than that "uncaring jerk of an ex" (probably one in a long line of uncaring, unfriendly jerks....) My guess is that relationships like that fall apart so much from the tensions created when those overblown expectations fail, and by the resentment they cause on both sides when each person is trying to deal with their needs and their ability to give to the other person, respectively.
I'm not putting all the blame on women. Certainly one can generalize similarly about men and the physical demands they can place on girls, as well as the way that some men truly ARE insenstive and can play a pretty big "life wreker" role all by themselves.
So, I think that both extremes can be moderated a bit, and one ends up at the crossroads of most "typical" relationships, with the discrepancies in needs (or at least communication) described as the "seed of discontent" sown between man and women. Which is interesting, because the homily at Mass last Sunday was about this "seed of discontent" (SOD henceforth) and the best ways to handle it.
The Church traces this SOD back to the creation story, when Adam and Eve fell into disgrace with God because of Eve tempting Adam (and the devil tempting Eve, etc...) So, from the very beginning there has been this tension between men and women, and it originally came from men and women giving into their own selfish desires - note that I said selfish desires, and not "true and actual needs." So, (and even if one wants to treat the Bible as allegory) relationships are automatically packaged with the SOD ready and waiting to take root and blossom - but - there is salvation! (Both in the religious and in the relationship sense.)
In the Biblical sense, salvation comes through Christ, and is characterized by his giving. Through his gift, mankind finds freedom from sin and despair within the ultimate sacrafice. Relationships, at least in the Catholic perspective, are intended to mirror this sort of giving. Within giving, one finds freemdom from all those funny societal expectations and the glorified drama that one generally finds in relationships, and instead focuses on creating a true partnership with another. It's like groupwork in class - you both have a vested interest in the outcome, and you want to only work with people who are going to complement your skills (opposites attract!), and the project is going to fail if one person expects the other to focus both on the project and on things external to that ("Hey, write my MATLAB for me so I can paint my nails" Or "Hey, write my section of the final paper so I can watch the game.")
I guess what I'm saying is that healthy relationships seem to have at least two major prerequisites. The first is a confident, healthy attitude toward one's self, so that one doesn't end up imposing conditions or unfair expectations on the relationship. (This is kind of like...Christ didn't say "I'll die for you but only if you promise to love me forever." Instead, it was something like "I know that I am God and Man, and so I will die for you becuase I love you, and my death can save you. I will always be here for when you choose to love me.") The other prerequisite (which has the former as its own prereq, I think...) is, of course, giving. Giving is what follows from being as complete a person as one can be, and it is only through giving and believing that a relationship changes from an emotional association of two people into a truly productive union.
Um. Right.
*Steps off soapbox, dusts it off, picks it up, and walks away*
12 October 2006
Tabula Rasa
I had a minor breakthrough today. I was having a conversation with my advisor, and a lot of things just sort of came together. It was the sort of "chest loosening, weight lifting off of shoulders" moment-of-clarity that I've been craving for....months...now. The words were all things that I'd heard before, and things I'd tried to work towards before, but...something just finally clicked. I can't describe it.
All she said came down to:
-You realize the difference between meaning to hurt someone, and hurting them unintentionally, so you shouldn't carry the emotional burden of unintentionally hurting someone - just learn from it, and do the best you can. You never get anywhere if you live in regret constantly. It's important to have compassion and to try and fix mistakes...but it doesn't accomplish anything to just mourn the past.
-It's really important to stop, or at least slow down, that inner critic. Especially the one that comes out when one is in uncomfortable situations, or situations that one doesn't necessarily even want to be in. Just because you're doing something that you don't think is "you" doesn't mean that you're incapable of handling it and keeping in touch with your inner self at the same time. Having a tendency to expect perfection in those situations just separates you farther from yourself, and makes it actually harder to actually function.
-Doing things for yourself is essential. Finding things that resonate - actually listening to those voices that say "I don't like this" or "This is exactly what I want" - not necessarily on an academic level (or I'd never get anything done! :-P) but on a values, passions, and inspirations level. It's so easy to let go of that, especially when sleep is lacking, and problem sets are long, and projects don't work, and nothing seems appetizing, and every single situation starts to feel like the "I'm on stage and I'm just a fraud" situation above....
I don't know. I guess I was finally able to feel everything in terms of a "whole picture" - instead of seeing little things to work on whenever I think of them, it's one big chunk of reality that needs to be cared for and nourished in its own way - and it finally got me in my soul, where I'd been trying to find it all along. I feel like the world just opened up in front of me.
Ummm and there has been a lot of weirdness that's happened recently, and I know it's going to take time for everything to truly fall into place and for me to really be myself again, and for me to get my life lined up the way I really want it to be...but I finally feel like I'm capable of getting there, both emotionally and in the "real world."
All she said came down to:
-You realize the difference between meaning to hurt someone, and hurting them unintentionally, so you shouldn't carry the emotional burden of unintentionally hurting someone - just learn from it, and do the best you can. You never get anywhere if you live in regret constantly. It's important to have compassion and to try and fix mistakes...but it doesn't accomplish anything to just mourn the past.
-It's really important to stop, or at least slow down, that inner critic. Especially the one that comes out when one is in uncomfortable situations, or situations that one doesn't necessarily even want to be in. Just because you're doing something that you don't think is "you" doesn't mean that you're incapable of handling it and keeping in touch with your inner self at the same time. Having a tendency to expect perfection in those situations just separates you farther from yourself, and makes it actually harder to actually function.
-Doing things for yourself is essential. Finding things that resonate - actually listening to those voices that say "I don't like this" or "This is exactly what I want" - not necessarily on an academic level (or I'd never get anything done! :-P) but on a values, passions, and inspirations level. It's so easy to let go of that, especially when sleep is lacking, and problem sets are long, and projects don't work, and nothing seems appetizing, and every single situation starts to feel like the "I'm on stage and I'm just a fraud" situation above....
I don't know. I guess I was finally able to feel everything in terms of a "whole picture" - instead of seeing little things to work on whenever I think of them, it's one big chunk of reality that needs to be cared for and nourished in its own way - and it finally got me in my soul, where I'd been trying to find it all along. I feel like the world just opened up in front of me.
Ummm and there has been a lot of weirdness that's happened recently, and I know it's going to take time for everything to truly fall into place and for me to really be myself again, and for me to get my life lined up the way I really want it to be...but I finally feel like I'm capable of getting there, both emotionally and in the "real world."
10 October 2006
Fragmented
-So, I am going home this weekend. I really really need the downtime. Right now I feel like an emotional sponge - like I'm picking up on all of the emotions and frustrations around me and just holding them inside myself, even the ones that don't involve or affect me directly. It's like the bell jar is starting to seal down again, and I don't like it.
-I really need to figure out how to resolve a conflict I've had for a long time: I want to be nice and caring toward everyone I know. However, some people really upset me - deeply - and it's not that it's still hard for me to be nice, it's just that I always end up feeling a bit walked over or invalidated. I know it just comes down to having confidence in myself and sticking to what my heart tells me, but it's hard.
-I need to remember not to overload on carbs when I've gone a couple days without eating properly. It doesn't actually cut the hunger when I do get my appetite back, and I just end up dizzy and groggy. Blerg.
-I really need to figure out how to resolve a conflict I've had for a long time: I want to be nice and caring toward everyone I know. However, some people really upset me - deeply - and it's not that it's still hard for me to be nice, it's just that I always end up feeling a bit walked over or invalidated. I know it just comes down to having confidence in myself and sticking to what my heart tells me, but it's hard.
-I need to remember not to overload on carbs when I've gone a couple days without eating properly. It doesn't actually cut the hunger when I do get my appetite back, and I just end up dizzy and groggy. Blerg.
04 October 2006
Angst
- I always tend to assume, when I talk to anyone, that the other person is always being genuine in what they say. I tend to forget that a lot of the time people's words are influenced by their own insecurities or by motives that I don't immediately see, and it seems like I take things to heart without realizing that other people may just be putting up a front. It makes it difficult to find support or feel supported, at least for me. I also detest feeling like conversations are competitions. They are not, or at least should not be always.
-North Korea OMG WTF. Nukes no cool. No go bang. Please no end world. Stop now. Just because one seemingly unbalanced individual seems to have a death wish for his country and for the last remaining semblance of world peace doesn't mean that the rest of us want to stand by and watch the rhetoric proliferate until one side blinks and the other jumps for the button. GAH!!!
-I am really freaking tired for no good reason. I have a pile of work to do and no motivation to do it. I keep going back and forth between being really happy and excited about my life, and feeling completely overwhelmed and apathetic. I just want to feel neutral, for like a week. Maybe even two. Or ten. Something different than this cycle that I just feel stuck inside. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing with my life - I feel like the reason I go up and down so much is that being an optimist means that I have the ability to talk myself into nearly anything, and work myself into a contented feeling glow about almost any situation, but deep down...something just seems wrong. I wake up in the mornings and I'm not excited about the day ahead, even though it's zillions of times better than waking up at 6am to get dressed in a uniform and go off to another day at CHS, and not having as much freedom as I want, etc. I should be doing things that make me happy, I should be interested in my classes, I shouldn't wake up each morning with a vague feeling of dread in the back of my mind, especially on days when I don't have ANYTHING going on - no tests or meetings or presentations. I was talking with my Mom on the phone tonight about how FAST days go by, and she was mentioning how much of a blur things have been for her too, recently. I am tired of the blur. I am tired of weeks ending before I barely realize they've begun. I just want some time - I want some quiet, some real quiet. Maybe I want to completely change the track my life is on - maybe I don't want to engineer things and do computer stuff all day, maybe I want a career helping people. Maybe I want to teach, maybe I want to be a psychologist, maybe I want to give motivational seminars, maybe I want to be a school psychologist or guidance counselor, or maybe I want to be a nun (I'm only half joking...) I feel like things go by so fast sometimes that I can't feel myself anymore; at the same time I feel like it wouldn't matter if things went fast if I were actually doing things that resonated with me and how I feel and what I want from my life.
And OMG how scary is that...I'm on my 3rd year of a major that may end up being completely irrelevant to what I actually feel called to do???
AHHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What am I DOING with my life; where is it going; why can't things just be comforting and normal and small and bounded and ....easy...anymore?
I believe that I am experiencing a combination of varying degrees of those which are known as "stress" and "quarter life crisis" and "....?"
-That last point ended up being a bit less bounded than I intended. Er. I think I'll go make tea....
-North Korea OMG WTF. Nukes no cool. No go bang. Please no end world. Stop now. Just because one seemingly unbalanced individual seems to have a death wish for his country and for the last remaining semblance of world peace doesn't mean that the rest of us want to stand by and watch the rhetoric proliferate until one side blinks and the other jumps for the button. GAH!!!
-I am really freaking tired for no good reason. I have a pile of work to do and no motivation to do it. I keep going back and forth between being really happy and excited about my life, and feeling completely overwhelmed and apathetic. I just want to feel neutral, for like a week. Maybe even two. Or ten. Something different than this cycle that I just feel stuck inside. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing with my life - I feel like the reason I go up and down so much is that being an optimist means that I have the ability to talk myself into nearly anything, and work myself into a contented feeling glow about almost any situation, but deep down...something just seems wrong. I wake up in the mornings and I'm not excited about the day ahead, even though it's zillions of times better than waking up at 6am to get dressed in a uniform and go off to another day at CHS, and not having as much freedom as I want, etc. I should be doing things that make me happy, I should be interested in my classes, I shouldn't wake up each morning with a vague feeling of dread in the back of my mind, especially on days when I don't have ANYTHING going on - no tests or meetings or presentations. I was talking with my Mom on the phone tonight about how FAST days go by, and she was mentioning how much of a blur things have been for her too, recently. I am tired of the blur. I am tired of weeks ending before I barely realize they've begun. I just want some time - I want some quiet, some real quiet. Maybe I want to completely change the track my life is on - maybe I don't want to engineer things and do computer stuff all day, maybe I want a career helping people. Maybe I want to teach, maybe I want to be a psychologist, maybe I want to give motivational seminars, maybe I want to be a school psychologist or guidance counselor, or maybe I want to be a nun (I'm only half joking...) I feel like things go by so fast sometimes that I can't feel myself anymore; at the same time I feel like it wouldn't matter if things went fast if I were actually doing things that resonated with me and how I feel and what I want from my life.
And OMG how scary is that...I'm on my 3rd year of a major that may end up being completely irrelevant to what I actually feel called to do???
AHHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What am I DOING with my life; where is it going; why can't things just be comforting and normal and small and bounded and ....easy...anymore?
I believe that I am experiencing a combination of varying degrees of those which are known as "stress" and "quarter life crisis" and "....?"
-That last point ended up being a bit less bounded than I intended. Er. I think I'll go make tea....
Travels and etc.
Another really vivid dream last night, although it wasn't too strange.
I was getting ready for some kind of formal ceremony - not sure exactly what it was. I was going to wear a dark blue dress and my hair needed to be curled. My parents were getting ready but they were taking too long and I needed to have everything ready, and be showered and dressed for the ceremony. Then for some reason I realized I needed to go and get something from CHINA.
So I flew to China, right then. I think I assumed that the time differences would work themselves out and I'd still be back in time for the ceremony. I stopped in the first gift shop I came to outside of the airport and got myself some post cards. That was all I needed - it was like I needed to show that I'd been to China and back or something, and it was really important.
I paid for the post cards using American money, and the woman at the desk tried to sell me some special "stamp" that was literally a rubber stamp to pay for postage. I bought regular postage instead, even though I never actually sent the cards. About the time I was finishing up buying everything, Brian showed up.
I gave him the backpack I had with the postcards inside and started back to the airport. Then I realized that my plane tickets were in the backpack, so I ran back to the store - thankfully Brian was still there - and got the tickets. As soon as I had the tickets in my hand again, the dream ended.
Also: I would like to (not so) proudly present the return of the death cough. After being free from its terrible grasp for the summer, I got sick again a few weeks ago and developed the cough right back. I've noticed a trend that goes "get mildly sick and cough for months afterward". I feel like I should probably go to a Dr. but I went billions of times last year, and all I got was an eventual chest x-ray and a diagnosis for something completely unrelated to the cough...?
I was getting ready for some kind of formal ceremony - not sure exactly what it was. I was going to wear a dark blue dress and my hair needed to be curled. My parents were getting ready but they were taking too long and I needed to have everything ready, and be showered and dressed for the ceremony. Then for some reason I realized I needed to go and get something from CHINA.
So I flew to China, right then. I think I assumed that the time differences would work themselves out and I'd still be back in time for the ceremony. I stopped in the first gift shop I came to outside of the airport and got myself some post cards. That was all I needed - it was like I needed to show that I'd been to China and back or something, and it was really important.
I paid for the post cards using American money, and the woman at the desk tried to sell me some special "stamp" that was literally a rubber stamp to pay for postage. I bought regular postage instead, even though I never actually sent the cards. About the time I was finishing up buying everything, Brian showed up.
I gave him the backpack I had with the postcards inside and started back to the airport. Then I realized that my plane tickets were in the backpack, so I ran back to the store - thankfully Brian was still there - and got the tickets. As soon as I had the tickets in my hand again, the dream ended.
Also: I would like to (not so) proudly present the return of the death cough. After being free from its terrible grasp for the summer, I got sick again a few weeks ago and developed the cough right back. I've noticed a trend that goes "get mildly sick and cough for months afterward". I feel like I should probably go to a Dr. but I went billions of times last year, and all I got was an eventual chest x-ray and a diagnosis for something completely unrelated to the cough...?
01 October 2006
Autumnal
So, this weekend has been completely awesome. OH EM GEE completely awesome. I had tests and things due last week so I had absolutely no written work to worry about this weekend. And also they cancelled signals lab for this week, so I didn't even have a pre-lab to do! I think this is the first weekend I've ever had here that's been so light on work.
Saturday morning I got up and drove Brian and another guy from radio club around so they could do some tests trying to hit the CMU repeater from various places...mostly to make sure that a repeater that some other club about 25 miles wants to set up out isn't going to interfere with CMU's. So that involved driving out into some semi-rural areas which were absolutely gorgeous, especially with leaves changing color and whatnot. We ended up briefly at this one park where they had a couple barnes and pastures. Jeremy and Brian wnted to walk to the top of this one hill to do the tests and when we got there, there were super cute sheep behind a fence along the trail! They watched from behind the fence (well, all except the one that ducked out under the fence and came onto the trail) while Brian and Jeremy played with their radios. So cute!
Then we drove back and it was all grey and rainy and cold aka perfect nap weather. So Brian and I took a 2 hour nap. Then I woke up and studied for my amateur radio exam (to get the lowest class of amateur license from the FCC) while Brian slept more. After he woke up I decided that I wanted to cook dinner, so I ran to the store and bought stuff and he worked on homework while I cooked pasta Bolognese. It turned out pretty well, if I say so myself....
Then today was church, a bit more studying, and then passing the exam! Yay! I still don't get to operate a radio until the FCC actually gets the results and puts them in their database, but that shouldn't take more than a couple weeks. I'm really excited because I thought about joining radio club freshman year but (obviously) never did...and now I can help out doing radio stuff for Buggy during Carnival, and I'm also going to be Brian's assistant for telecom on Carnival Committee. After that we hung out in the Shack and watched TV for awile (The Colbert Report and Futurama). Then he took me out to dinner to celebrate me passing the exam. We took our time walking back because it is a beautiful day - complete with shining sun! :-) And now I'm sitting in the ECE undergrad cluster getting around to studying for my Networks quiz on Wednesday.
Earlier last week I was thinking about how strange my own life feels to me sometimes - how it seems like I'm still in a place that's completely foreign and uncomfortable, even after I've been here for over 2 years. I'm still searching for that feeling of "place" but right now I'm pretty happy and I think I'm getting closer to finding out what "home" means to me.
Saturday morning I got up and drove Brian and another guy from radio club around so they could do some tests trying to hit the CMU repeater from various places...mostly to make sure that a repeater that some other club about 25 miles wants to set up out isn't going to interfere with CMU's. So that involved driving out into some semi-rural areas which were absolutely gorgeous, especially with leaves changing color and whatnot. We ended up briefly at this one park where they had a couple barnes and pastures. Jeremy and Brian wnted to walk to the top of this one hill to do the tests and when we got there, there were super cute sheep behind a fence along the trail! They watched from behind the fence (well, all except the one that ducked out under the fence and came onto the trail) while Brian and Jeremy played with their radios. So cute!
Then we drove back and it was all grey and rainy and cold aka perfect nap weather. So Brian and I took a 2 hour nap. Then I woke up and studied for my amateur radio exam (to get the lowest class of amateur license from the FCC) while Brian slept more. After he woke up I decided that I wanted to cook dinner, so I ran to the store and bought stuff and he worked on homework while I cooked pasta Bolognese. It turned out pretty well, if I say so myself....
Then today was church, a bit more studying, and then passing the exam! Yay! I still don't get to operate a radio until the FCC actually gets the results and puts them in their database, but that shouldn't take more than a couple weeks. I'm really excited because I thought about joining radio club freshman year but (obviously) never did...and now I can help out doing radio stuff for Buggy during Carnival, and I'm also going to be Brian's assistant for telecom on Carnival Committee. After that we hung out in the Shack and watched TV for awile (The Colbert Report and Futurama). Then he took me out to dinner to celebrate me passing the exam. We took our time walking back because it is a beautiful day - complete with shining sun! :-) And now I'm sitting in the ECE undergrad cluster getting around to studying for my Networks quiz on Wednesday.
Earlier last week I was thinking about how strange my own life feels to me sometimes - how it seems like I'm still in a place that's completely foreign and uncomfortable, even after I've been here for over 2 years. I'm still searching for that feeling of "place" but right now I'm pretty happy and I think I'm getting closer to finding out what "home" means to me.
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