Tabula Rasa

I had a minor breakthrough today. I was having a conversation with my advisor, and a lot of things just sort of came together. It was the sort of "chest loosening, weight lifting off of shoulders" moment-of-clarity that I've been craving for....months...now. The words were all things that I'd heard before, and things I'd tried to work towards before, but...something just finally clicked. I can't describe it.

All she said came down to:

-You realize the difference between meaning to hurt someone, and hurting them unintentionally, so you shouldn't carry the emotional burden of unintentionally hurting someone - just learn from it, and do the best you can. You never get anywhere if you live in regret constantly. It's important to have compassion and to try and fix mistakes...but it doesn't accomplish anything to just mourn the past.

-It's really important to stop, or at least slow down, that inner critic. Especially the one that comes out when one is in uncomfortable situations, or situations that one doesn't necessarily even want to be in. Just because you're doing something that you don't think is "you" doesn't mean that you're incapable of handling it and keeping in touch with your inner self at the same time. Having a tendency to expect perfection in those situations just separates you farther from yourself, and makes it actually harder to actually function.

-Doing things for yourself is essential. Finding things that resonate - actually listening to those voices that say "I don't like this" or "This is exactly what I want" - not necessarily on an academic level (or I'd never get anything done! :-P) but on a values, passions, and inspirations level. It's so easy to let go of that, especially when sleep is lacking, and problem sets are long, and projects don't work, and nothing seems appetizing, and every single situation starts to feel like the "I'm on stage and I'm just a fraud" situation above....

I don't know. I guess I was finally able to feel everything in terms of a "whole picture" - instead of seeing little things to work on whenever I think of them, it's one big chunk of reality that needs to be cared for and nourished in its own way - and it finally got me in my soul, where I'd been trying to find it all along. I feel like the world just opened up in front of me.

Ummm and there has been a lot of weirdness that's happened recently, and I know it's going to take time for everything to truly fall into place and for me to really be myself again, and for me to get my life lined up the way I really want it to be...but I finally feel like I'm capable of getting there, both emotionally and in the "real world."