Angst

- I always tend to assume, when I talk to anyone, that the other person is always being genuine in what they say. I tend to forget that a lot of the time people's words are influenced by their own insecurities or by motives that I don't immediately see, and it seems like I take things to heart without realizing that other people may just be putting up a front. It makes it difficult to find support or feel supported, at least for me. I also detest feeling like conversations are competitions. They are not, or at least should not be always.

-North Korea OMG WTF. Nukes no cool. No go bang. Please no end world. Stop now. Just because one seemingly unbalanced individual seems to have a death wish for his country and for the last remaining semblance of world peace doesn't mean that the rest of us want to stand by and watch the rhetoric proliferate until one side blinks and the other jumps for the button. GAH!!!

-I am really freaking tired for no good reason. I have a pile of work to do and no motivation to do it. I keep going back and forth between being really happy and excited about my life, and feeling completely overwhelmed and apathetic. I just want to feel neutral, for like a week. Maybe even two. Or ten. Something different than this cycle that I just feel stuck inside. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing with my life - I feel like the reason I go up and down so much is that being an optimist means that I have the ability to talk myself into nearly anything, and work myself into a contented feeling glow about almost any situation, but deep down...something just seems wrong. I wake up in the mornings and I'm not excited about the day ahead, even though it's zillions of times better than waking up at 6am to get dressed in a uniform and go off to another day at CHS, and not having as much freedom as I want, etc. I should be doing things that make me happy, I should be interested in my classes, I shouldn't wake up each morning with a vague feeling of dread in the back of my mind, especially on days when I don't have ANYTHING going on - no tests or meetings or presentations. I was talking with my Mom on the phone tonight about how FAST days go by, and she was mentioning how much of a blur things have been for her too, recently. I am tired of the blur. I am tired of weeks ending before I barely realize they've begun. I just want some time - I want some quiet, some real quiet. Maybe I want to completely change the track my life is on - maybe I don't want to engineer things and do computer stuff all day, maybe I want a career helping people. Maybe I want to teach, maybe I want to be a psychologist, maybe I want to give motivational seminars, maybe I want to be a school psychologist or guidance counselor, or maybe I want to be a nun (I'm only half joking...) I feel like things go by so fast sometimes that I can't feel myself anymore; at the same time I feel like it wouldn't matter if things went fast if I were actually doing things that resonated with me and how I feel and what I want from my life.

And OMG how scary is that...I'm on my 3rd year of a major that may end up being completely irrelevant to what I actually feel called to do???

AHHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What am I DOING with my life; where is it going; why can't things just be comforting and normal and small and bounded and ....easy...anymore?

I believe that I am experiencing a combination of varying degrees of those which are known as "stress" and "quarter life crisis" and "....?"


-That last point ended up being a bit less bounded than I intended. Er. I think I'll go make tea....