So, I just ran into Josh-from-high-school. He's at CMU majoring in Directing, and I'm doing my nerdly thing, so we hardly ever see each other. In high school we were really good friends, though.
We stopped to chat for a few minutes, and I caught him up on my life in the past few months since I've seen him. He told me about a show he's running on 17 February, and I'm going to try and make it over. (Something about the average person thinking at 180 words per minute, and having n seconds after decapitation of thoughts left, and presenting the internal monologues of 8 people after they die.)
I was walking away when it occurred to me that I've known Josh for, like, almost 7 years now. For someone who moved every 2-3 years growing up, that's an eternity. I realized that he's the one person on Earth (family excluded) who's actually witnessed me going through all of my relationships and all the funny family stuff and everything else that goes on over time...it also made me stop to realize how long it takes to really, really, get to know someone.
I probably know him as well now as I did in high school - not any better. So it takes, what, 3 or 4 years just seeing someone a few hours a day, watching how they act and interact with others, talking at lunch, etc. to really know them?
It makes sense...it's also not really something that can be engineered (damnit.)
Hmm.
There's something just about - time - that seems to enable really knowing someone. Maybe it's some kind of averaging effect.
Right. Time to head off and bask in the glory that is being young and having so many years of getting to know people to look forward to. And also possibly to finish that pile of work I've been cutting through over the day. Maybe a nap, too.
31 January 2007
30 January 2007
Thoughts Thinking
Well, I just woke up from a nice nap...in my A.I. class. Bleh. I hate falling asleep during lecture, especially when it's an interesting class covering stuff I haven't learned before. This is such a cozy auditorium, and I just had lunch, and they turned the lights way down...mmmm. The only saving grace here is that the lecturer uses nice function names in his code, like computePathWithReuse() so catching up isn't totally impossible.
The lecture today is being given by a guy who did some work on Red Team, talking about search-based planning in dynamic environments (ie, a robot trying to find the optimal path to a goal as it moves along.)
Hmm. I really like my classes this semester. I've found a lot to think about in all of them...and I think I'm getting back over the "How To Think" hurdle I seem to run into at the start of each semester.
I spent the larger part of Sunday trying to do a 213 assignment...basically a bunch of puzzles that we have to solve using bitwise operations. I didn't get much actually accomplished on Sunday, besides sitting around in frustration trying to figure out how to even...start. I'm not sure what the issue was; it was like I just couldn't even remember how to start thinking about the problems logically. After talking about one of the problems with a friend of mine, I had a bit of a realization - how to think about bits and binary representations, how to abstract myself from the integers and just express logic using the operators, and how to use the outcome of a problem to force the solution. I sat back down with it last night and got through nearly half of the assignment in about two hours. And that was even with a panda trying to distract me.
It's always a relief, and really satisfying to have those breakthroughs...I've always wondered what's going to happen if one day I just don't "get it", though.
Anyway. Matt sent me a copy of "Waking Life" and so hopefully I'll get to watch that tonight. He seemed pretty blown away by it...we'll see. I haven't found another human being who's even heard of it, much less seen it. :-P
The lecture today is being given by a guy who did some work on Red Team, talking about search-based planning in dynamic environments (ie, a robot trying to find the optimal path to a goal as it moves along.)
Hmm. I really like my classes this semester. I've found a lot to think about in all of them...and I think I'm getting back over the "How To Think" hurdle I seem to run into at the start of each semester.
I spent the larger part of Sunday trying to do a 213 assignment...basically a bunch of puzzles that we have to solve using bitwise operations. I didn't get much actually accomplished on Sunday, besides sitting around in frustration trying to figure out how to even...start. I'm not sure what the issue was; it was like I just couldn't even remember how to start thinking about the problems logically. After talking about one of the problems with a friend of mine, I had a bit of a realization - how to think about bits and binary representations, how to abstract myself from the integers and just express logic using the operators, and how to use the outcome of a problem to force the solution. I sat back down with it last night and got through nearly half of the assignment in about two hours. And that was even with a panda trying to distract me.
It's always a relief, and really satisfying to have those breakthroughs...I've always wondered what's going to happen if one day I just don't "get it", though.
Anyway. Matt sent me a copy of "Waking Life" and so hopefully I'll get to watch that tonight. He seemed pretty blown away by it...we'll see. I haven't found another human being who's even heard of it, much less seen it. :-P
25 January 2007
Chem + CS: A Close Relationship?
So, the past few days have been incredible. The dinner that I had to emcee on Tuesday turned out extremely well, and a number of people came up to me afterward and told me that I'd done a great job. Plus, I got to steal one of the huge flower arrangements and now it's busy making the apartment all cheerful and girly. I was able to resolve something that I'd been worried about for a long time, classes were amazing (more below), and I got to walk around in the snow with Tom for awhile between classes.
The walking thing is something I haven't really done before...just wandering around with someone, sometimes talking, sometimes not. The silences are always really comfortable silences, and I'm finding that it gives me a lot more time to get my thoughts together for class, or whatever else I've got on my mind. Plus the snow is so pretty and calm.
Anyway. I decided to be cute with the title of the post and give it a quasi-double meaning. For those wondering, here's meaning #1*, courtesy of my Artifical Intelligence class from today:
We were discussing various search algorithms for solving problems (specifically problems that can be framed in terms of beginning from a "start" state and ending up at the optimal "finish" state). On Tuesday the lecture had been about various graph algorithms that could also optimize either time or space; today the focus was on problems that would still be relatively inefficient to solve using the previously described algorithms, and whose "path to solution" doesn't really matter. (Traveling Salesperson is probably the most famous, although there are quite a few others...)
So, the idea was that instead of taking time to find the most optimal "next" step at each current step, to just consider a randomly chosen neighbor at each step. If the neighbor could be shown to be a better choice than the current location, that neighbor would be visited. The interesting part, though, is that a certain percentage of the time (so, with a given probability) the "worse" neighbor would be chosen anyway. This is to ensure that enough of the problem space gets explored that the algorithm doesn't end up settling on a false "optimum" state that just happens to be better than its immediate neighbors. Over time, the probability for moving to another worse neighbor is exponentially decreased; given enough iterations the algorithm ends up at the optimal solution.
So, what's that got to do with chemistry?
Well...the name of the technique is "Simulated Annealing", because the equation used to calculate the probability for visiting a worse neighbor is the same thing as the equation for a Boltzman distribution (excepting k, since it's just a constant). Instead of delta(Energy), it uses delta("optimality" of state) and "T" in this context decreases exponentially with a given number of iterations.
The idea is that the original equation gives the probability of moving between two states of energy in a solid at a given temperature T. As the temperature is decreased, it will approach an equilibrium where the probability of being in that state is proportional to the temperature. Looking at the equation, this means that states of low energy (or a small difference in optimality) relative to T are more likely to occur, so as the simulation proceeds only states closer and closer to the optimum are accepted. The professor included a citation of the original proof in his lecture slides:
N. Metropolis, A.W. Rosenbluth, M.N. Rosenbluth. A.H. Teller
and E. Teller, Journal Chem. Phys. 21 (1953) 1087-1092
Ha. Tell me that's not one of the coolest things ever. (Okay, actually, I'm probably more excited than is absolutely necessary or warranted. Oh, well...)
* It doesn't get to be a double meaning because I'm not a CS major. But it can be a "one plus epsilon" meaning since I'm taking a CS concentration.
The walking thing is something I haven't really done before...just wandering around with someone, sometimes talking, sometimes not. The silences are always really comfortable silences, and I'm finding that it gives me a lot more time to get my thoughts together for class, or whatever else I've got on my mind. Plus the snow is so pretty and calm.
Anyway. I decided to be cute with the title of the post and give it a quasi-double meaning. For those wondering, here's meaning #1*, courtesy of my Artifical Intelligence class from today:
We were discussing various search algorithms for solving problems (specifically problems that can be framed in terms of beginning from a "start" state and ending up at the optimal "finish" state). On Tuesday the lecture had been about various graph algorithms that could also optimize either time or space; today the focus was on problems that would still be relatively inefficient to solve using the previously described algorithms, and whose "path to solution" doesn't really matter. (Traveling Salesperson is probably the most famous, although there are quite a few others...)
So, the idea was that instead of taking time to find the most optimal "next" step at each current step, to just consider a randomly chosen neighbor at each step. If the neighbor could be shown to be a better choice than the current location, that neighbor would be visited. The interesting part, though, is that a certain percentage of the time (so, with a given probability) the "worse" neighbor would be chosen anyway. This is to ensure that enough of the problem space gets explored that the algorithm doesn't end up settling on a false "optimum" state that just happens to be better than its immediate neighbors. Over time, the probability for moving to another worse neighbor is exponentially decreased; given enough iterations the algorithm ends up at the optimal solution.
So, what's that got to do with chemistry?
Well...the name of the technique is "Simulated Annealing", because the equation used to calculate the probability for visiting a worse neighbor is the same thing as the equation for a Boltzman distribution (excepting k, since it's just a constant). Instead of delta(Energy), it uses delta("optimality" of state) and "T" in this context decreases exponentially with a given number of iterations.
The idea is that the original equation gives the probability of moving between two states of energy in a solid at a given temperature T. As the temperature is decreased, it will approach an equilibrium where the probability of being in that state is proportional to the temperature. Looking at the equation, this means that states of low energy (or a small difference in optimality) relative to T are more likely to occur, so as the simulation proceeds only states closer and closer to the optimum are accepted. The professor included a citation of the original proof in his lecture slides:
N. Metropolis, A.W. Rosenbluth, M.N. Rosenbluth. A.H. Teller
and E. Teller, Journal Chem. Phys. 21 (1953) 1087-1092
Ha. Tell me that's not one of the coolest things ever. (Okay, actually, I'm probably more excited than is absolutely necessary or warranted. Oh, well...)
* It doesn't get to be a double meaning because I'm not a CS major. But it can be a "one plus epsilon" meaning since I'm taking a CS concentration.
22 January 2007
Ergo
This article on a study of altruistic behavior is fascinating.
It seems to be indicating that there may be more than just a selfish emotional reward for doing good...obviously without more studies it's hard to draw any sort of real conclusion, but I think it provides some good hope that maybe, just maybe, there's something innate to humanity that makes us capable of plain old understanding when it comes to others' needs. Maybe we're more than simple clockwork responding to an innate sense of reward/punishment.
If you really wanted to, you could take it a few steps furter and construct a decent argument for the existence of God based on the existence of an apparent "Moral Law" of humanity, but I don't even want to take it there.
Whatever it is, the answer's going to be fascinating.
In other news, I went to Mass at the Oratory this afternoon. It was the first time I'd been back since getting back from break, and it felt good, comfortable. The Gospel and the homily were both about the constancy of God and God's love - how God never changes His basis for the relationship with us, and it's humanity instead that has such a finicky, changing attitude.
More and more, I'm drawn to the idea of God simply as the ideal of love. The idea of constancy in love is nothing more than what I've said before (in other, locked entries) about love being the ultimate in acceptance and understanding of another person. Theology and doctrine aside, I've yet to find any sort of flaw in the Catholic conception of God, even (perhaps especially) just taking the idea of God as the idea of the perfect sort of love to share with another human.
Not that I'll ever stop questioning.
It seems to be indicating that there may be more than just a selfish emotional reward for doing good...obviously without more studies it's hard to draw any sort of real conclusion, but I think it provides some good hope that maybe, just maybe, there's something innate to humanity that makes us capable of plain old understanding when it comes to others' needs. Maybe we're more than simple clockwork responding to an innate sense of reward/punishment.
If you really wanted to, you could take it a few steps furter and construct a decent argument for the existence of God based on the existence of an apparent "Moral Law" of humanity, but I don't even want to take it there.
Whatever it is, the answer's going to be fascinating.
In other news, I went to Mass at the Oratory this afternoon. It was the first time I'd been back since getting back from break, and it felt good, comfortable. The Gospel and the homily were both about the constancy of God and God's love - how God never changes His basis for the relationship with us, and it's humanity instead that has such a finicky, changing attitude.
More and more, I'm drawn to the idea of God simply as the ideal of love. The idea of constancy in love is nothing more than what I've said before (in other, locked entries) about love being the ultimate in acceptance and understanding of another person. Theology and doctrine aside, I've yet to find any sort of flaw in the Catholic conception of God, even (perhaps especially) just taking the idea of God as the idea of the perfect sort of love to share with another human.
Not that I'll ever stop questioning.
19 January 2007
Rocket Man
Today has been an excellent day. It was like a bunch of small things got strung together and came out perfectly (the good day analogy to lots of little things building up and making a bad day).
This whole week kind of melted off in one big blur.
I ended up taking the Chinese culture through film class, even though I'd mostly talked myself out of it. The class that I was trying to get into already had an impossible waitlist, though. Plus, I went to the Chinese culture class last night and really enjoyed it. I had the professor for another class Sophomore year, and he actually remembered me and was glad to have me in class again - it was a good feeling. The film we watched last night was called "Three Times" and it basically presented three relationship scenarios in different time periods. Only one of them really reflected a successful manifestation of love, and it was the one in which the characters had the least opportunity for conversation or for any sort of physical intimacy. The only time the lovers even touched was to hold hands in the last scene, after the guy had tracked the girl down through city after city when she moved while he was away with the army.
Obviously the whole thing was a bit of an exaggeration, but it brought up a good point about the role of trust in relationships. Somehow it was enough for two people who had barely seen each other, and had only a few hours at a time together, just to hold hands while two other people who lived together and could constantly be in touch were barely holding things together (until the one girlfriend up and killed herself, and then they weren't holding things together anymore...)
Hmm. There was another thought I had earlier, but maybe it wasn't really distinct.
I miss Laura. She ran off to Denmark for the semester. I mean, yeah, having the room to myself and whatnot is cool, but...blah. She's a sweetie. So far I've kept one of my New Year's Resolutions (Embracing my inner neat freak) and haven't done hot with the other one (Being a better friend). There's a conversation I really want to have with her, though, damnit...related to a certain Shakespearian work turned chick flick. Hee.
Also, it finally snowed in Pittsburgh - finally seems all cozy, like winter. I like.
This whole week kind of melted off in one big blur.
I ended up taking the Chinese culture through film class, even though I'd mostly talked myself out of it. The class that I was trying to get into already had an impossible waitlist, though. Plus, I went to the Chinese culture class last night and really enjoyed it. I had the professor for another class Sophomore year, and he actually remembered me and was glad to have me in class again - it was a good feeling. The film we watched last night was called "Three Times" and it basically presented three relationship scenarios in different time periods. Only one of them really reflected a successful manifestation of love, and it was the one in which the characters had the least opportunity for conversation or for any sort of physical intimacy. The only time the lovers even touched was to hold hands in the last scene, after the guy had tracked the girl down through city after city when she moved while he was away with the army.
Obviously the whole thing was a bit of an exaggeration, but it brought up a good point about the role of trust in relationships. Somehow it was enough for two people who had barely seen each other, and had only a few hours at a time together, just to hold hands while two other people who lived together and could constantly be in touch were barely holding things together (until the one girlfriend up and killed herself, and then they weren't holding things together anymore...)
Hmm. There was another thought I had earlier, but maybe it wasn't really distinct.
I miss Laura. She ran off to Denmark for the semester. I mean, yeah, having the room to myself and whatnot is cool, but...blah. She's a sweetie. So far I've kept one of my New Year's Resolutions (Embracing my inner neat freak) and haven't done hot with the other one (Being a better friend). There's a conversation I really want to have with her, though, damnit...related to a certain Shakespearian work turned chick flick. Hee.
Also, it finally snowed in Pittsburgh - finally seems all cozy, like winter. I like.
16 January 2007
Blah
Having illogical energy levels - tired when I should be rested, rested when I should be exhausted. Incredibly hungry - craving bacon cheeseburgers. A bit fevery and definitely more irritable than usual.
Uh huh.
Classes look like they're going to be pretty interesting. I still have to make one more choice - think I know what I'm going with, as long as I can get in off of the waitlist. I realized yesterday that the IR class I'm taking is taught by that same "awesome" advisor that I talked to on Friday. Merg.
The technical classes should be good, though. Graph theory is going to be HARD. Artificial Intelligence doesn't look too bad - think I'm familiar with most of the concepts. I wish I was going to have time for a higher level AI class next year...and 213 (Computer Systems) is going to be a lot of fun. I mean, who doesn't completely love systems level programming?
Been really busy the past few days. 4 meetings yesterday, 1 today, 2 tomorrow, maybe 1 Thursday. I'm getting nervous about next week - I have to MC for a dinner featuring a fairly high ranking executive from a well-known company. I know I'll enjoy it once I'm actually there and in the thick of things, but right now I'm still intimidated. Last year things went a bit more awkwardly than I would have liked, and this year we're supposed to really try hard and make a good impression, so...at least I've already had the trial run? Or something?
I did something else today I should have done a long time ago, if only I could've put aside my pride about it.
Uh huh.
Classes look like they're going to be pretty interesting. I still have to make one more choice - think I know what I'm going with, as long as I can get in off of the waitlist. I realized yesterday that the IR class I'm taking is taught by that same "awesome" advisor that I talked to on Friday. Merg.
The technical classes should be good, though. Graph theory is going to be HARD. Artificial Intelligence doesn't look too bad - think I'm familiar with most of the concepts. I wish I was going to have time for a higher level AI class next year...and 213 (Computer Systems) is going to be a lot of fun. I mean, who doesn't completely love systems level programming?
Been really busy the past few days. 4 meetings yesterday, 1 today, 2 tomorrow, maybe 1 Thursday. I'm getting nervous about next week - I have to MC for a dinner featuring a fairly high ranking executive from a well-known company. I know I'll enjoy it once I'm actually there and in the thick of things, but right now I'm still intimidated. Last year things went a bit more awkwardly than I would have liked, and this year we're supposed to really try hard and make a good impression, so...at least I've already had the trial run? Or something?
I did something else today I should have done a long time ago, if only I could've put aside my pride about it.
14 January 2007
Calm Before The Storm
Ah. The past couple days have been good. I snapped out of that odd mood I was in Friday, and have been more or less just laying around the past few days. I got a few things organized for meetings that I've got in the next couple days, but other than that...complete laziness.
The break was really good. There were a few situations in one of my organizations that had me really frustrated and upset back in early December. I went back yesterday though, and was re-reading some of the correspondence and made a few realizations about the other person's perspective and intentions - was really glad that I didn't react to it in any of the ways I was consdering a month ago. She wasn't nearly as "out to get me" as I'd been feeling, and it was a relief to realize that without having offended anyone myself (for once!!!) It's funny how much of a difference time itself makes when it comes to situations and perceptions of them.
It's going to be an excellent semester. I'm so happy with all of the people in my life, happy with the direction that things are headed. I know that I'm not going to have all good days in the coming months, and that there are still going to be times when the thought of getting out of bed is nearly unfathomable, but for right now - I'm content.
I've been thinking more and more about the International Relations thing, and haven't reached a definite conclusion. I should be using my electives for classes that I really enjoy, and not just for something that might look decent on a transcript sometime down the line. At the same time, it would be foolish to shy away from something that could be useful *and* interesting just because of a couple distasteful courses. I'll have to figure out a good way to measure pro/con on this one.
The break was really good. There were a few situations in one of my organizations that had me really frustrated and upset back in early December. I went back yesterday though, and was re-reading some of the correspondence and made a few realizations about the other person's perspective and intentions - was really glad that I didn't react to it in any of the ways I was consdering a month ago. She wasn't nearly as "out to get me" as I'd been feeling, and it was a relief to realize that without having offended anyone myself (for once!!!) It's funny how much of a difference time itself makes when it comes to situations and perceptions of them.
It's going to be an excellent semester. I'm so happy with all of the people in my life, happy with the direction that things are headed. I know that I'm not going to have all good days in the coming months, and that there are still going to be times when the thought of getting out of bed is nearly unfathomable, but for right now - I'm content.
I've been thinking more and more about the International Relations thing, and haven't reached a definite conclusion. I should be using my electives for classes that I really enjoy, and not just for something that might look decent on a transcript sometime down the line. At the same time, it would be foolish to shy away from something that could be useful *and* interesting just because of a couple distasteful courses. I'll have to figure out a good way to measure pro/con on this one.
12 January 2007
I'm Only Me
The past couple days have been pretty good. I've been participating in Summit, which is a few days of oddball classes before the spring semester starts Monday. The only class I've been really attending is acrylic painting.
It turns out that I'm relatively decent at it, at least as far as mixing colors and working with lines/textures/shadows/feeling out an object go. It's been good to go and just sit for a few hours and listen to some really good music and just focus on something constructive and ...nonverbal, nonsymbolic...for awhile.
This afternoon I went and talked to my advisor for International Relations and got really, really, talked down to. She kept on making snippy remarks like "Oh, of course you don't know XYZ professor or ABC student" or "But then, you'd not do that" or when the half hour was thankfully done, "You're finished here." She got me to drop the major and switch to a minor, which was probably a good thing. I also have to take more policy classes than I'd really like...bleh. I was just totally unprepared for it; I was expecting a nice, courteous, civil conversation like the ones I have with the ECE advisor. I'm not sure if I want to stick with the department at all - I could always just a bunch of history classes instead.
Bleh. I'm in a really strange mood. Maybe it's just the gloomy weather.
It turns out that I'm relatively decent at it, at least as far as mixing colors and working with lines/textures/shadows/feeling out an object go. It's been good to go and just sit for a few hours and listen to some really good music and just focus on something constructive and ...nonverbal, nonsymbolic...for awhile.
This afternoon I went and talked to my advisor for International Relations and got really, really, talked down to. She kept on making snippy remarks like "Oh, of course you don't know XYZ professor or ABC student" or "But then, you'd not do that" or when the half hour was thankfully done, "You're finished here." She got me to drop the major and switch to a minor, which was probably a good thing. I also have to take more policy classes than I'd really like...bleh. I was just totally unprepared for it; I was expecting a nice, courteous, civil conversation like the ones I have with the ECE advisor. I'm not sure if I want to stick with the department at all - I could always just a bunch of history classes instead.
Bleh. I'm in a really strange mood. Maybe it's just the gloomy weather.
Your Eyes Should Be Brown |
 Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart |
09 January 2007
Interstellar War
Yesterday was a crazy day...lots of fun, though.
Well, mostly fun. I finally got around to reselling the engagement ring. I should have done it back over the summer, but - story of my life and running out of time to do things.
I've actually gotten better about that over break, though. I've managed to see everyone I wanted to hang out with, and I got a lot of other small things left over from the summer taken care of - like renewing my passport.
Selling the ring was a very strange experience. I sold it for quite a bit less than it's worth - all I wanted was enough to cover the replacement for my High School ring, and I got something close to that. When I was in the store talking to the lady and signing the papers, I was really calm and detached. It wasn't until I was back in the car, driving away from the store, that I choked up a bit. I pulled myself together, though, and then I was fine. It's time to let the past really start sleeping in the past.
In other news.
I've learned a lot about myself and realized a lot about my family this break. In the past few weeks I've been vacillating between disgust, disappointment, resentment, and a deep desire to just understand and be understood. I think the healthiest thing for me to do is just to understand and accept things - and recognize that to expect that of everyone else isn't realistic or reflective of what love actually means. I love my family. I'll always be there for them; I'll always try my best to listen and to show I care. Family is so important. I don't think I'll be spending this much time at home again, but I don't think that physical time in this building is very related to the sorts of things I can contribute to them, at least not now.
I have this odd, unsettled feeling like I'm looking or waiting for something right now, but I'm not sure what. Some of it's a holdover from the family situation over the past month, I suppose. I should try to snap out of this so I can start the semester with a feeling of really having moved on.
It also occurs to me that going back to Pittsburgh is probably going to be what it takes. Time to pack up and sort things out so I can hit the ground running (or maybe floating, depending...hehe) when I get there.
Well, mostly fun. I finally got around to reselling the engagement ring. I should have done it back over the summer, but - story of my life and running out of time to do things.
I've actually gotten better about that over break, though. I've managed to see everyone I wanted to hang out with, and I got a lot of other small things left over from the summer taken care of - like renewing my passport.
Selling the ring was a very strange experience. I sold it for quite a bit less than it's worth - all I wanted was enough to cover the replacement for my High School ring, and I got something close to that. When I was in the store talking to the lady and signing the papers, I was really calm and detached. It wasn't until I was back in the car, driving away from the store, that I choked up a bit. I pulled myself together, though, and then I was fine. It's time to let the past really start sleeping in the past.
In other news.
I've learned a lot about myself and realized a lot about my family this break. In the past few weeks I've been vacillating between disgust, disappointment, resentment, and a deep desire to just understand and be understood. I think the healthiest thing for me to do is just to understand and accept things - and recognize that to expect that of everyone else isn't realistic or reflective of what love actually means. I love my family. I'll always be there for them; I'll always try my best to listen and to show I care. Family is so important. I don't think I'll be spending this much time at home again, but I don't think that physical time in this building is very related to the sorts of things I can contribute to them, at least not now.
I have this odd, unsettled feeling like I'm looking or waiting for something right now, but I'm not sure what. Some of it's a holdover from the family situation over the past month, I suppose. I should try to snap out of this so I can start the semester with a feeling of really having moved on.
It also occurs to me that going back to Pittsburgh is probably going to be what it takes. Time to pack up and sort things out so I can hit the ground running (or maybe floating, depending...hehe) when I get there.
06 January 2007
Effort
Last night right before bed, I was reading through some of my old blog entries - particularly the ones I wrote on my Xanga site. I knew that I'd changed a lot since last year, but actually seeing the difference surprised me quite a bit. I've calmed down a lot, learned how to handle stress better, and become more introspective. Reading the entries where I prattled on about Tom made me *really* cringe...not because it hurts to think of him, but because it's embarrassing to see what a show I (and he) made of the relationship.
I think the single biggest lesson I learned from that relationship is just that there shouldn't ever be a reason to make such a spectacle of things. I can remember writing some of those entries knowing that he was going to be reading them and that he'd be hurt if I didn't mention what a great time I was having with him, everything we'd done over the previous weekends, etc. It was exhausting...there are one or two in particular that actually took a lot of effort to write because while I didn't want to say anything that was an outright lie, I knew that if I'd included certain details then it would have drastically changed the picture of our relationship and what we were each putting into it. It goes back to a lot of things I've written about before - engineering a relationship, playing both roles at times...things I'm not going to (have to) do again.
Any case. Enough jawing about the past - my guess is that most of you who read this were there watching things as they unfolded and already reached these conclusions long before they ever crossed *my* mind.
Denver is still dazzling - literally. It snowed a bunch yesterday, but today the sky is clear and sunny. Unfortunately the streets are still a bit - blah. I was hoping to see My First Best Friend today, but Mom nixed that. I haven't seen her in years and years, but somehow we've managed to stay in touch ever since preschool. The good part is that now I'm motivated to make a summer trip out here - Mom said I may be able to borrow Grandpa's car for a few days and drive myself around...which would be most excellent.
I think the single biggest lesson I learned from that relationship is just that there shouldn't ever be a reason to make such a spectacle of things. I can remember writing some of those entries knowing that he was going to be reading them and that he'd be hurt if I didn't mention what a great time I was having with him, everything we'd done over the previous weekends, etc. It was exhausting...there are one or two in particular that actually took a lot of effort to write because while I didn't want to say anything that was an outright lie, I knew that if I'd included certain details then it would have drastically changed the picture of our relationship and what we were each putting into it. It goes back to a lot of things I've written about before - engineering a relationship, playing both roles at times...things I'm not going to (have to) do again.
Any case. Enough jawing about the past - my guess is that most of you who read this were there watching things as they unfolded and already reached these conclusions long before they ever crossed *my* mind.
Denver is still dazzling - literally. It snowed a bunch yesterday, but today the sky is clear and sunny. Unfortunately the streets are still a bit - blah. I was hoping to see My First Best Friend today, but Mom nixed that. I haven't seen her in years and years, but somehow we've managed to stay in touch ever since preschool. The good part is that now I'm motivated to make a summer trip out here - Mom said I may be able to borrow Grandpa's car for a few days and drive myself around...which would be most excellent.
05 January 2007
If Winter Won't Come to Me...
...then damnit, I'll go to winter.
Denver is wonderful. Grandpa's house is the same cozy place it's been - for all of my life. The snow makes everything so peaceful, so solid. I'm going to go outside and take pictures later, just in case lazy bum Winter never makes time this year to get all the way over to the East Coast.
Lots to write about - thoughts and dreams.
Thoughts:
Yesterday on the plane, I had some realizations - I think the result of finally having all the time I've had to just think over break.
To be honest, I kind of had my pride knocked down a level or ten. I was thinking about what I said before - about needing some sort of grand mystery about people and life in general, and how having exact, scientific answers would be somehow disappointing.
I realized that having that kind of attitude really implies that I've just assumed that whatever answers there are are going to be disappointing, and somehow not good enough or meaningful enough, and so I need to be able to hope for something better?
Bleh. Realizing that made me really uncomfortable with myself. I've always thought that I'm the type of person that doesn't take things for granted, and that can find value in anything or anyone - but maybe not? Why would I just automatically assume that what is, isn't going to be good enough?
No more of that.
Another - what does it really mean that I always talk about not wanting to settle down, always having to be someplace new? Isn't that the same kind of arrogance I was just writing about? Maybe it's not that I have to be someplace new; maybe it's just that I'm afraid of ending up in the wrong place, feeling meaningless or ... something? Always wanting to be somewhere else - isn't that just an excuse for not engaging myself and making something out of whatever place I'm in? It's so much easier to dismiss something as "not good enough" than to make an emotional investment in it.
I realized last night how much I've always loved coming back to Colorado. This house, this family hasn't ever changed much. It's true that people get old, grow up, pass away, but - there's still some constancy. I guess to some people this house would seem old fashioned, boring - but I love it.
In another year and a half, I'm going to have my entire life wide open in front of me. Maybe it's time to start living a bit more decisively, to take responsibility for my choices and to start really thinking about what I want from life. I'm not going to be able to run away forever, and keeping that mentality is just going to ensure that I'm unhappy in the long run. Choices matter, and it's time to start thinking about them - in a good way.
Dreams:
Had a couple really vivid dreams last night.
In the first one, I was in some sort of mansion with a bunch of guys from high school and a couple from CMU. The hallways and rooms were huge and empty, and the group of us for some reason had to stay at the light switches and turn them off and on. We were switching and switching, and then all of a sudden lots of the lights stopped working. There was still electricity in the house, though.
We walked into one of the rooms, and there was a staircase leading up to a platform. On top of the platform, there was a dark-haired woman standing behind a flag-draped casket. The casket was on another platform with wheels, and the woman was smiling and carefully wheeling the casket down the stairs. I asked someone who was inside it, and he told me that it was Kennedy, and the dark haired woman was Jacquie. When she got to the last couple steps, she tripped a bit and the casket tumbled over and opened a bit. I turned away, not wanting to see the body inside. Jacquie spread her arms, and walked out of the room. I woke up.
In the other dream, I was at some university somewhere with more guys; this time it was some guys from high school, CMU, and work. I was walking down the street trying to carry some items I'd just bought, and I kept dropping them. Then Brian and Mat S. (from CHS) came up to me, and Brian kind of pushed Mat forward. Mat asked me why I wouldn't ask for help, and I just said something like "Well, I don't know who'd help me."
He picked up some of the things I'd let fall to the ground again, and then gave me a hug. Then he apologized - said that he hoped "the past" wouldn't get in my way, that hopefully I'd let myself see how much he cared for me and what he thought of me, and that I wouldn't be bitter about the breakup, and maybe give him another chance. (Even in the dream that confused me, given that I definitely played the role of the heartless one in that breakup. Perhaps Mat was a symbol for someone else.) I hugged him again, and then he said that he had to run and catch a bus but that he'd get in touch with me later.
I walked back to the dorm and ended up in a room with a mixture of people from work and CMU. Two of the guys from work were arguing about something, and some of the CMU guys were playing video games. I wasn't doing anything besides sitting there enjoying that I was off in -someplace- surrounded by comfortable, familiar people. It made a good point, that no matter where I go or what I do, I think I always am going to have people to reach out to - and that no matter what I say, I do need people in my life. It was a good, happy, feeling. I woke up feeling so grounded and hopeful...the world isn't so big, and life isn't so cold and anonymous as it might seem. (Note the conflict between my supposed "adventuresome" bent, and my cravings for comfort and meaning...more support for my earlier argument.)
To conclude: I need to learn to separate the routine from the mindless, the comfortable from the bland, and the adventure from the escapeism. This is the right time to be thinking about all of that, the time in my life where I'm going to have perhaps the most freedom to figure out what I *really* want and to start going after it.
Denver is wonderful. Grandpa's house is the same cozy place it's been - for all of my life. The snow makes everything so peaceful, so solid. I'm going to go outside and take pictures later, just in case lazy bum Winter never makes time this year to get all the way over to the East Coast.
Lots to write about - thoughts and dreams.
Thoughts:
Yesterday on the plane, I had some realizations - I think the result of finally having all the time I've had to just think over break.
To be honest, I kind of had my pride knocked down a level or ten. I was thinking about what I said before - about needing some sort of grand mystery about people and life in general, and how having exact, scientific answers would be somehow disappointing.
I realized that having that kind of attitude really implies that I've just assumed that whatever answers there are are going to be disappointing, and somehow not good enough or meaningful enough, and so I need to be able to hope for something better?
Bleh. Realizing that made me really uncomfortable with myself. I've always thought that I'm the type of person that doesn't take things for granted, and that can find value in anything or anyone - but maybe not? Why would I just automatically assume that what is, isn't going to be good enough?
No more of that.
Another - what does it really mean that I always talk about not wanting to settle down, always having to be someplace new? Isn't that the same kind of arrogance I was just writing about? Maybe it's not that I have to be someplace new; maybe it's just that I'm afraid of ending up in the wrong place, feeling meaningless or ... something? Always wanting to be somewhere else - isn't that just an excuse for not engaging myself and making something out of whatever place I'm in? It's so much easier to dismiss something as "not good enough" than to make an emotional investment in it.
I realized last night how much I've always loved coming back to Colorado. This house, this family hasn't ever changed much. It's true that people get old, grow up, pass away, but - there's still some constancy. I guess to some people this house would seem old fashioned, boring - but I love it.
In another year and a half, I'm going to have my entire life wide open in front of me. Maybe it's time to start living a bit more decisively, to take responsibility for my choices and to start really thinking about what I want from life. I'm not going to be able to run away forever, and keeping that mentality is just going to ensure that I'm unhappy in the long run. Choices matter, and it's time to start thinking about them - in a good way.
Dreams:
Had a couple really vivid dreams last night.
In the first one, I was in some sort of mansion with a bunch of guys from high school and a couple from CMU. The hallways and rooms were huge and empty, and the group of us for some reason had to stay at the light switches and turn them off and on. We were switching and switching, and then all of a sudden lots of the lights stopped working. There was still electricity in the house, though.
We walked into one of the rooms, and there was a staircase leading up to a platform. On top of the platform, there was a dark-haired woman standing behind a flag-draped casket. The casket was on another platform with wheels, and the woman was smiling and carefully wheeling the casket down the stairs. I asked someone who was inside it, and he told me that it was Kennedy, and the dark haired woman was Jacquie. When she got to the last couple steps, she tripped a bit and the casket tumbled over and opened a bit. I turned away, not wanting to see the body inside. Jacquie spread her arms, and walked out of the room. I woke up.
In the other dream, I was at some university somewhere with more guys; this time it was some guys from high school, CMU, and work. I was walking down the street trying to carry some items I'd just bought, and I kept dropping them. Then Brian and Mat S. (from CHS) came up to me, and Brian kind of pushed Mat forward. Mat asked me why I wouldn't ask for help, and I just said something like "Well, I don't know who'd help me."
He picked up some of the things I'd let fall to the ground again, and then gave me a hug. Then he apologized - said that he hoped "the past" wouldn't get in my way, that hopefully I'd let myself see how much he cared for me and what he thought of me, and that I wouldn't be bitter about the breakup, and maybe give him another chance. (Even in the dream that confused me, given that I definitely played the role of the heartless one in that breakup. Perhaps Mat was a symbol for someone else.) I hugged him again, and then he said that he had to run and catch a bus but that he'd get in touch with me later.
I walked back to the dorm and ended up in a room with a mixture of people from work and CMU. Two of the guys from work were arguing about something, and some of the CMU guys were playing video games. I wasn't doing anything besides sitting there enjoying that I was off in -someplace- surrounded by comfortable, familiar people. It made a good point, that no matter where I go or what I do, I think I always am going to have people to reach out to - and that no matter what I say, I do need people in my life. It was a good, happy, feeling. I woke up feeling so grounded and hopeful...the world isn't so big, and life isn't so cold and anonymous as it might seem. (Note the conflict between my supposed "adventuresome" bent, and my cravings for comfort and meaning...more support for my earlier argument.)
To conclude: I need to learn to separate the routine from the mindless, the comfortable from the bland, and the adventure from the escapeism. This is the right time to be thinking about all of that, the time in my life where I'm going to have perhaps the most freedom to figure out what I *really* want and to start going after it.
04 January 2007
Ghostbusters
The past couple days have been really interesting.
I've been having a lot of conversations - with other people, and with myself. I've looked a couple of my fears (inner demons, for the more dramatically inclined among us) in the eye and faced them down relatively well.
Trust is important. It's hard to be a part of reality without trust - you can make a fine construction of it, as long as you're smart enough - but things are never really going to solidify, even on a personal level, without trust. I'd rather have this feeling of sitting on a chair inside myself ready to face the world, instead of that stifled, nervous, terribly empty and anxious "descent of the bell-jar" feeling I was carrying around last August. Much better to have a firm sense of self, and risk getting that self hurt, than to wander around selfness and numb.
Something else.
Experience and understanding.
Humans are such strange, different, creatures. I don't think using the word "diversity" really hits what I'm getting at. I had a conversation last night about love, and emotions, and how much of it's really based on chemistry. Even if it is something so purely scientific, I wonder how much that honestly changes things. Happiness is happiness, yes? I guess it's all a matter of how you look at it, and if you're the type of person that finds a measure of solidity in quantifiable phenomena, or if you're the type that needs things to be a bit fuzzier - more room for "hope", or "magic" or "miracles."
I think I tend toward the latter, but the beauty of this is that given something as complex as a human being - the two trends blur, I think, and become something close to the same.
Along the lines of humanity and complexity....genes are funny things.
The past 16 or so hours have been interesting. I've seen and experienced behavior that comes from - where? Some combination of symbols handed out through some randomized process? In the end, people still need what they've always needed - love, and perhaps more than love - understanding and acceptance.
I learned something really important about myself last night, something that's always going to stay in the back of my mind. I'm still turning it over in my head, figuring out exactly what to do with it...it's given me something to think about, possibly something to research and work on. Taking a weakness and making a strength. Everyone likes a project, yes?
I'm off to Denver for a few days with the family. I should be pretty much always reachable on the phone (I'm talking to a couple of you in particular) ...looking forward to the quiet time with the family, the snow, seeing the mountains (OMG MOUNTAINS)...just living for a few more days.
I've been having a lot of conversations - with other people, and with myself. I've looked a couple of my fears (inner demons, for the more dramatically inclined among us) in the eye and faced them down relatively well.
Trust is important. It's hard to be a part of reality without trust - you can make a fine construction of it, as long as you're smart enough - but things are never really going to solidify, even on a personal level, without trust. I'd rather have this feeling of sitting on a chair inside myself ready to face the world, instead of that stifled, nervous, terribly empty and anxious "descent of the bell-jar" feeling I was carrying around last August. Much better to have a firm sense of self, and risk getting that self hurt, than to wander around selfness and numb.
Something else.
Experience and understanding.
Humans are such strange, different, creatures. I don't think using the word "diversity" really hits what I'm getting at. I had a conversation last night about love, and emotions, and how much of it's really based on chemistry. Even if it is something so purely scientific, I wonder how much that honestly changes things. Happiness is happiness, yes? I guess it's all a matter of how you look at it, and if you're the type of person that finds a measure of solidity in quantifiable phenomena, or if you're the type that needs things to be a bit fuzzier - more room for "hope", or "magic" or "miracles."
I think I tend toward the latter, but the beauty of this is that given something as complex as a human being - the two trends blur, I think, and become something close to the same.
Along the lines of humanity and complexity....genes are funny things.
The past 16 or so hours have been interesting. I've seen and experienced behavior that comes from - where? Some combination of symbols handed out through some randomized process? In the end, people still need what they've always needed - love, and perhaps more than love - understanding and acceptance.
I learned something really important about myself last night, something that's always going to stay in the back of my mind. I'm still turning it over in my head, figuring out exactly what to do with it...it's given me something to think about, possibly something to research and work on. Taking a weakness and making a strength. Everyone likes a project, yes?
I'm off to Denver for a few days with the family. I should be pretty much always reachable on the phone (I'm talking to a couple of you in particular) ...looking forward to the quiet time with the family, the snow, seeing the mountains (OMG MOUNTAINS)...just living for a few more days.
02 January 2007
Cartwheels
New Year's was excellent. I'm still smiling.
I think my resolution is going to be simply not to ignore my intuition anymore - and to listen to God more. Those might be the same thing; I'm not sure. I'm also going to start running more.
I've been thinking a lot about the upcoming semester. I think it's going to be a lot of fun, and be different in a lot of ways than the past two spring semesters. (Thinking back - none of my semesters have resembled each other. I think that's a good thing...lets me figure out what works for me.) I'm taking 5 classes, but it comes out to less credits than last semester (thank God...) and I don't think the classes themselves are going to be as consuming as last semester.
I've been reading "Interior Castle" by St. Theresa of Avila, and I was struck by the way that her description of progress through the Castles seems to resemble a lot of the characteristics represented by successive cards in the Major Arcana of a Tarot deck. I did a bit of research, and it turns out that Tarot cards weren't used for diviniation untill relatively recent times (18th or 19th century) and before that they were apparently used either as playing cards or as mnemonics for teaching various theological or philosopical belief systems.
Funny how it's human nature to try and take something ordinary and pragmatic and transform it into something "mystical" that allows man to reach past his actual faculties. It seems like a really sophomoric frame of mind to get into, especially when there's so much to find in "ordinary life" that usually just gets taken for granted.
I think my resolution is going to be simply not to ignore my intuition anymore - and to listen to God more. Those might be the same thing; I'm not sure. I'm also going to start running more.
I've been thinking a lot about the upcoming semester. I think it's going to be a lot of fun, and be different in a lot of ways than the past two spring semesters. (Thinking back - none of my semesters have resembled each other. I think that's a good thing...lets me figure out what works for me.) I'm taking 5 classes, but it comes out to less credits than last semester (thank God...) and I don't think the classes themselves are going to be as consuming as last semester.
I've been reading "Interior Castle" by St. Theresa of Avila, and I was struck by the way that her description of progress through the Castles seems to resemble a lot of the characteristics represented by successive cards in the Major Arcana of a Tarot deck. I did a bit of research, and it turns out that Tarot cards weren't used for diviniation untill relatively recent times (18th or 19th century) and before that they were apparently used either as playing cards or as mnemonics for teaching various theological or philosopical belief systems.
Funny how it's human nature to try and take something ordinary and pragmatic and transform it into something "mystical" that allows man to reach past his actual faculties. It seems like a really sophomoric frame of mind to get into, especially when there's so much to find in "ordinary life" that usually just gets taken for granted.
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