Effort

Last night right before bed, I was reading through some of my old blog entries - particularly the ones I wrote on my Xanga site. I knew that I'd changed a lot since last year, but actually seeing the difference surprised me quite a bit. I've calmed down a lot, learned how to handle stress better, and become more introspective. Reading the entries where I prattled on about Tom made me *really* cringe...not because it hurts to think of him, but because it's embarrassing to see what a show I (and he) made of the relationship.

I think the single biggest lesson I learned from that relationship is just that there shouldn't ever be a reason to make such a spectacle of things. I can remember writing some of those entries knowing that he was going to be reading them and that he'd be hurt if I didn't mention what a great time I was having with him, everything we'd done over the previous weekends, etc. It was exhausting...there are one or two in particular that actually took a lot of effort to write because while I didn't want to say anything that was an outright lie, I knew that if I'd included certain details then it would have drastically changed the picture of our relationship and what we were each putting into it. It goes back to a lot of things I've written about before - engineering a relationship, playing both roles at times...things I'm not going to (have to) do again.

Any case. Enough jawing about the past - my guess is that most of you who read this were there watching things as they unfolded and already reached these conclusions long before they ever crossed *my* mind.

Denver is still dazzling - literally. It snowed a bunch yesterday, but today the sky is clear and sunny. Unfortunately the streets are still a bit - blah. I was hoping to see My First Best Friend today, but Mom nixed that. I haven't seen her in years and years, but somehow we've managed to stay in touch ever since preschool. The good part is that now I'm motivated to make a summer trip out here - Mom said I may be able to borrow Grandpa's car for a few days and drive myself around...which would be most excellent.