If Winter Won't Come to Me...

...then damnit, I'll go to winter.

Denver is wonderful. Grandpa's house is the same cozy place it's been - for all of my life. The snow makes everything so peaceful, so solid. I'm going to go outside and take pictures later, just in case lazy bum Winter never makes time this year to get all the way over to the East Coast.

Lots to write about - thoughts and dreams.

Thoughts:

Yesterday on the plane, I had some realizations - I think the result of finally having all the time I've had to just think over break.

To be honest, I kind of had my pride knocked down a level or ten. I was thinking about what I said before - about needing some sort of grand mystery about people and life in general, and how having exact, scientific answers would be somehow disappointing.

I realized that having that kind of attitude really implies that I've just assumed that whatever answers there are are going to be disappointing, and somehow not good enough or meaningful enough, and so I need to be able to hope for something better?

Bleh. Realizing that made me really uncomfortable with myself. I've always thought that I'm the type of person that doesn't take things for granted, and that can find value in anything or anyone - but maybe not? Why would I just automatically assume that what is, isn't going to be good enough?

No more of that.

Another - what does it really mean that I always talk about not wanting to settle down, always having to be someplace new? Isn't that the same kind of arrogance I was just writing about? Maybe it's not that I have to be someplace new; maybe it's just that I'm afraid of ending up in the wrong place, feeling meaningless or ... something? Always wanting to be somewhere else - isn't that just an excuse for not engaging myself and making something out of whatever place I'm in? It's so much easier to dismiss something as "not good enough" than to make an emotional investment in it.

I realized last night how much I've always loved coming back to Colorado. This house, this family hasn't ever changed much. It's true that people get old, grow up, pass away, but - there's still some constancy. I guess to some people this house would seem old fashioned, boring - but I love it.

In another year and a half, I'm going to have my entire life wide open in front of me. Maybe it's time to start living a bit more decisively, to take responsibility for my choices and to start really thinking about what I want from life. I'm not going to be able to run away forever, and keeping that mentality is just going to ensure that I'm unhappy in the long run. Choices matter, and it's time to start thinking about them - in a good way.

Dreams:

Had a couple really vivid dreams last night.

In the first one, I was in some sort of mansion with a bunch of guys from high school and a couple from CMU. The hallways and rooms were huge and empty, and the group of us for some reason had to stay at the light switches and turn them off and on. We were switching and switching, and then all of a sudden lots of the lights stopped working. There was still electricity in the house, though.

We walked into one of the rooms, and there was a staircase leading up to a platform. On top of the platform, there was a dark-haired woman standing behind a flag-draped casket. The casket was on another platform with wheels, and the woman was smiling and carefully wheeling the casket down the stairs. I asked someone who was inside it, and he told me that it was Kennedy, and the dark haired woman was Jacquie. When she got to the last couple steps, she tripped a bit and the casket tumbled over and opened a bit. I turned away, not wanting to see the body inside. Jacquie spread her arms, and walked out of the room. I woke up.

In the other dream, I was at some university somewhere with more guys; this time it was some guys from high school, CMU, and work. I was walking down the street trying to carry some items I'd just bought, and I kept dropping them. Then Brian and Mat S. (from CHS) came up to me, and Brian kind of pushed Mat forward. Mat asked me why I wouldn't ask for help, and I just said something like "Well, I don't know who'd help me."

He picked up some of the things I'd let fall to the ground again, and then gave me a hug. Then he apologized - said that he hoped "the past" wouldn't get in my way, that hopefully I'd let myself see how much he cared for me and what he thought of me, and that I wouldn't be bitter about the breakup, and maybe give him another chance. (Even in the dream that confused me, given that I definitely played the role of the heartless one in that breakup. Perhaps Mat was a symbol for someone else.) I hugged him again, and then he said that he had to run and catch a bus but that he'd get in touch with me later.

I walked back to the dorm and ended up in a room with a mixture of people from work and CMU. Two of the guys from work were arguing about something, and some of the CMU guys were playing video games. I wasn't doing anything besides sitting there enjoying that I was off in -someplace- surrounded by comfortable, familiar people. It made a good point, that no matter where I go or what I do, I think I always am going to have people to reach out to - and that no matter what I say, I do need people in my life. It was a good, happy, feeling. I woke up feeling so grounded and hopeful...the world isn't so big, and life isn't so cold and anonymous as it might seem. (Note the conflict between my supposed "adventuresome" bent, and my cravings for comfort and meaning...more support for my earlier argument.)

To conclude: I need to learn to separate the routine from the mindless, the comfortable from the bland, and the adventure from the escapeism. This is the right time to be thinking about all of that, the time in my life where I'm going to have perhaps the most freedom to figure out what I *really* want and to start going after it.