HoI

Last night a group of us gals went out to this really good Indian place in the area. It's the frist time I'd been back this summer. The trip was my idea; Indian food is one of those types of cravings that absolutely must be satisfied ASAP.

While we drove there, I amused some of the girls who hadn't heard about it with the story of my engagement to Tom the summer after freshman year. I realized during that telling that we were heading to the place where Tom and I had unofficially kicked off our relationship.

I hadn't thought about Tom with more than the most fleeting impulse, or as more than a funny story to tell, in quite awhile. Going to the restaurant didn't bring back traumatic memories or anything (it has been TWO YEARS, after all) but it did provide a forum for thinking about the past a bit. Ironically, some of the dinner conversation focused around Harry Potter and the impending release of the 7th book in July, which reminded me that after Tom and I went with the group to get Indian food that night we stood in line at Borders for the 6th Harry Potter book.

Although the relationship with Tom almost entirely changed my life, it seems as though the lessons I learned and the changes in attitudes and expectations which accompanied them are more or less independent of the actual PERSON himself. Maybe it just feels that way because we haven't had any contact at all in over a year. A few months ago I was having lunch with a friend and I mused about maybe getting in touch with Tom, and the friend said something like, "But why? What would you even say?"

It was a good point. So much of that relationship rested on making the other person into something or someone they weren't that looking back it's hard to believe that there was much of a truly personal connection there at all.

And really, what would I say?

It Pours

They say that life goes in cycles of drama/non-drama, and I believe it. The past few days have definitely been the most stressful ones I've had all summer. On top of the things I can't control, I've upset good friends of mine.

I hope things settle down soon. The human mind can be frightening at times, with its capacity for belief and reinforcement, and reality-creation. I have no idea what the next few days, or the rest of the summer for that matter, holds. I just hope I can get a decent night's sleep and have my stomach quit doing jumping jacks soon.

Light Grenades

A friend of mine recently let me borrow "Light Grenades," the new C.D. by Incubus.

Maybe I should preface this by saying that I'm not traditionally an Incubus fan. I liked their song about spontaneous combustion, and I liked the cute one that involved outer space and being together or something. Other than that, though, I tend to kind of ignore the band's existence.

I really enjoyed Light Grenades. My favorite tracks were 2 and 3 ("A Kiss to Send Us Off" and "Dig", respectively), and I was honestly surprised by the cohesiveness and texture of the entire album. It's true that I haven't listened to any of their other CD's that closely, and maybe I'd also enjoy them, but this one seemed to show a lot more musical maturity than I've noticed from them in the past.

There were still a couple things I didn't like, but those had more to do with my personal preferences about what constitutes a "pleasant" vs "unpleasant" sound. Structurally (and lyrically, in most places) it's an extremely solid, and somewhat unique effort. I highly recommend it.

The past week or so has been pretty good - interesting as usual, and a bit confusing. I've been a lot more cautious about some things this summer than I have in the past - I think overall I'm going to be glad, but perhaps for different reasons than I anticipated. I'm continually reminded of my tendency to go with the status quo just because there's nothing wrong with it, instead of actively looking around for something that might be a net positive.

But hey, I'm workin' on it. (grin)

Past

Today was a really busy day. Mom had an appointment in Silver Spring, and so I got up early so I could drive her since Dad got stuck coming back from a business trip. After her appointment we stopped at a Panera for food, and as we were going to sit down I noticed a girl that I used to run track with walking out. I don't think she would have recognized me, and I can't be certain that it was her, but I'm pretty sure that it was. After we ate we had to go pick up a package from the FedEx warehouse in Alexandria.

So, we got on 495 and headed east to Franconia. We picked up the package and kept driving on Franconia down to the Van Dorn exit to get back on 495 - which meant, of course, driving down Van Dorn past the townhouse development where we used to live. It was the first time I'd been by there since we moved to Ohio, and I almost felt like an intruder just driving through. 8 years goes by a lot more quickly than I'd realized. Oddly enough, the first thing to pop into my head while we were driving down Franconia was the awful crush I had on Chris Paul in 7th grade. Anyway.

Overall, it was a good day. I got to spend time with my mom, and then later I got to spend time with my brother when we went to go pick up a dessert for Father's Day dinner. Dad got back from his trip, and the family went out to dinner. The whole family doesn't get to be together that often, and it was really wonderful to just enjoy everyone's company. He and Mom showed me the art they bought recently, and I really like most of it. I also got to hear about their continuing plans to install a media server, touchscreens, etc. all over the house...it's good to hear that they're finding projects and keeping busy doing stuff.

It was strange seeing bits and pieces of the past earlier - I'm not really a part of anything now that I was then, but they're still all pieces of me. I do wonder what it's like for people who have lived in the same place for their entire life to go visit home - I'm always really flooded with memories and emotions when I see places from a long time ago, and in some ways I like that I didn't really grow up or spend any real time at my parents' current place. It makes the house seem like a pleasant retreat without the emotional pangs of memory. Right now I really want to drive back to my place, and be somewhere even more familiar and recent, in spite of how awesome today was.

Honestly...

A friend of mine made the point awhile back that it's kind of scary to hear someone preface a statement with the word "Honestly..." because - aren't you supposed to be honest all the time? Why would you need to point out that you're being honest? (This is rhetorical, people.)

I've been doing a lot of thinking about friends, and friendships. I realized how easy it is to be hurt by someone and not admit it - even to yourself. I also realized though that I have this tendency to make the most excuses for the people who least deserve them, which is kind of ironic and unfair to...well, most people. It's as though seeing that someone is usually responsible and dependable automatically gives them the ability to hurt me MORE than someone I know deep down I can't trust to begin with.

I guess it makes sense to feel msot betrayed by the people you expect it from the least, because it's so easy to forget that those people are the ones who are actually going to care about making it right when the time comes. Losing faith in them seems just rotten as the original offense. (Well...that combined with having a sort of double standard for hurt-taking, I suppose.)

I'm done with making those excuses for people. Not only does it seem unfair to my real friends, but I realized that it's been giving me a pretty awful perspective about myself - I always end up dismissing my thoughts and feelings, and in a lot of cases, my self-worth. (Oh, it sounds like it belongs on Oprah, but it's TRUE, ya'll...hehe).

In other news, Christina called me last nights and we made plans for her to visit for my BIRTHDAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!!! *Does a backflip*

Also, one of my other friends e-mailed me a link to some article in a Berkely paper about the "Air Force Gay Bomb" plot. Those articles come out every few years people, coincidentally right around election time. It's sensationalism at its finest, and makes me really mad that FOXNews has done so much to damage the credibility of anything even remotely associated with conservatism - mostly because it makes people ready and willing to believe ANYTHING from the liberal press. Honestly. If something seems too ridiculous to believe, guess what, IT PROBABLY IS.

Talking Points

- I saw an article the other week about men, and why it seems like there aren't any good men left for women coming from my background and in my general situation. It basically came down to the fact that now that women have been liberated, we're expected to do things like hold down full time jobs and raise the kids and keep the house clean and do all the cooking. In other words, now that we're able to go to college (as a norm) and get full time jobs doing meaningful work, we're trying to do that in ADDITION to everything women used to do.

It brings up the question of what, exactly, are the men supposed to do? If they work hard and put in long hours, they can be seen as aloof and emotionally unavailable, and unsupportive of the hard working woman. If, on the other hand, they put family first, they can be seen as not fulfilling the role of provider, and not matching what the woman is accomplishing. Not only that, but they don't have biological clocks ticking away the same way women do, and so probably are a little bit less concerned about getting everything figured out and situated and planeed as women are. I just mention it because I was talking with a friend of mine recently about what I think I'm looking for in a guy. I listed off a whole bunch of things, and my friend said something like, "Wow. It sounds like a job interview..." and kind of stopped me in my tracks.

I think my friend was taken aback at my seemingly cold-hearted approach, and I could definitely have expressed myself more delicately, but I've been thinking about it and I really don't think that I'm ever going to really change the way I consider relationships. There really just is a well-defined set of traits I want in a guy. It kind of throws me off when I realize that guys don't seem to have the same kind of thoughts about what they want in a mate...it just seems that if you're going to look at spending the rest of your life with someone, then you damn well better have a pretty solid idea of what your role is going to be, and what you want the other person's role to be. Even if those end up changing, the point is to think about it - and I know this is a terribly unfair generalization, but I do think that if guys my age did think about it and sort of plan for it, then they would seem like much better prospects.

Please note that I'm not advocating quick engagements, early marriages, or anything of that sort. I'm advocating THINKING, and self-awareness, and action. (Not that kind of action.) (Well, maybe eventually...) I guess the other option is to change society's expectations of women, but I don't think that's possible - women are too self driven and competitive for that to really happen.

Okay, yeah, so I just had a strong dose of "HOLY CRAP I'M GROWING UP SOON!" handed to me today. Is it that obvious? ;-)

- I saw another article recently about the role of positive feedback in relationships. I'm not talking about positive feedback in terms of "Oh, HONEY, you took out the trash MWAH MWAH MWAH!" but in terms of "Congratulations on your promotion!" Or "Awesome job on that test!" and things like that.

The article made an excellent point - it's actually MUCH, MUCH easier to support someone going through a hard time. Think about it. If someone's depressed and you cheer them up, that's more positive reinforcement for YOU and something YOU get to take credit for. If someone is excited about something, you've got jealousy and resentment to cope with at worst - and a situation in which you aren't going to get to take credit for ANYTHING at best. I think therefore that it's reasonable to consider that being selfless really does mean that - caring about someone so that their happiness in and of itself is something to make you glad, regardless of the source. I think we've all felt how much it hurts to have someone put us down when we're really excited, and I think we could agree how important the people who don't do that are to us.

(I have so many selfless, wonderful people in my life. You all are amazing.)

- Lastly, I had until recently forgotten why Catholics tend to piss me off so much. I think all religions tend to foster different dialects of pretension, and I'll admit it, the Catholic one can be particularly nasty. There's just this feeling of being made a spectacle of, or having certain parts of your life blown out of proportion into the receiving end of this self-righteous, pseudo-pitying, dogmatic, sadistic, funnel that's capable of the most pedantic sorts of judgments and exaggerations. And gossip. It's the sort of thing that makes the angry girl deep inside me want to stand up and stir up a bunch of shit, just for the hell of it. (I know, I know. The way to make it go away is to take the high road. I KNOW. But sometimes it's just too tempting...sigh.)

Catching Up

So, I changed the whole permissions thing back again. I thought about it and realized that if there are things I wouldn't want people to read, I probably shouldn't put them on the net at all. (Fifth grade, anyone?)

Anyway.

The past few weeks have been incredible. I can pretty much sum up everything that's happened by saying, "I'm having ideas again."

What I mean is that for most of the past year (or more) at school, I spent so much time online, chasing boys, taking classes, studying, doing homework, that by the end of the semester I was acutely aware that I had very little creative thought process left. I'm not even talking about artwork, or writing, or anything like that - just that I'd sit in on a lecture and absorb information without thinking of any questions. I'd hear a conversation and not have anything to add. I'd walk around on campus and have no passing thoughts besides "Car"..."Tree"..."Door"...etc.

I've had enough downtime recently to do things like read and watch tv and sleep that I'm having an actual thought process. (The first time I noticed happened while I was sitting at my parents' house a week or two ago. I saw something that reminded me of the book I was reading, and went off on this wild mental tangent...and then realized what I'd just done and sat there, amused.)

Yeah, not really exciting I suppose, but it's good to feel human again.