- I saw an article the other week about men, and why it seems like there aren't any good men left for women coming from my background and in my general situation. It basically came down to the fact that now that women have been liberated, we're expected to do things like hold down full time jobs and raise the kids and keep the house clean and do all the cooking. In other words, now that we're able to go to college (as a norm) and get full time jobs doing meaningful work, we're trying to do that in ADDITION to everything women used to do.
It brings up the question of what, exactly, are the men supposed to do? If they work hard and put in long hours, they can be seen as aloof and emotionally unavailable, and unsupportive of the hard working woman. If, on the other hand, they put family first, they can be seen as not fulfilling the role of provider, and not matching what the woman is accomplishing. Not only that, but they don't have biological clocks ticking away the same way women do, and so probably are a little bit less concerned about getting everything figured out and situated and planeed as women are. I just mention it because I was talking with a friend of mine recently about what I think I'm looking for in a guy. I listed off a whole bunch of things, and my friend said something like, "Wow. It sounds like a job interview..." and kind of stopped me in my tracks.
I think my friend was taken aback at my seemingly cold-hearted approach, and I could definitely have expressed myself more delicately, but I've been thinking about it and I really don't think that I'm ever going to really change the way I consider relationships. There really just is a well-defined set of traits I want in a guy. It kind of throws me off when I realize that guys don't seem to have the same kind of thoughts about what they want in a mate...it just seems that if you're going to look at spending the rest of your life with someone, then you damn well better have a pretty solid idea of what your role is going to be, and what you want the other person's role to be. Even if those end up changing, the point is to think about it - and I know this is a terribly unfair generalization, but I do think that if guys my age did think about it and sort of plan for it, then they would seem like much better prospects.
Please note that I'm not advocating quick engagements, early marriages, or anything of that sort. I'm advocating THINKING, and self-awareness, and action. (Not that kind of action.) (Well, maybe eventually...) I guess the other option is to change society's expectations of women, but I don't think that's possible - women are too self driven and competitive for that to really happen.
Okay, yeah, so I just had a strong dose of "HOLY CRAP I'M GROWING UP SOON!" handed to me today. Is it that obvious? ;-)
- I saw another article recently about the role of positive feedback in relationships. I'm not talking about positive feedback in terms of "Oh, HONEY, you took out the trash MWAH MWAH MWAH!" but in terms of "Congratulations on your promotion!" Or "Awesome job on that test!" and things like that.
The article made an excellent point - it's actually MUCH, MUCH easier to support someone going through a hard time. Think about it. If someone's depressed and you cheer them up, that's more positive reinforcement for YOU and something YOU get to take credit for. If someone is excited about something, you've got jealousy and resentment to cope with at worst - and a situation in which you aren't going to get to take credit for ANYTHING at best. I think therefore that it's reasonable to consider that being selfless really does mean that - caring about someone so that their happiness in and of itself is something to make you glad, regardless of the source. I think we've all felt how much it hurts to have someone put us down when we're really excited, and I think we could agree how important the people who don't do that are to us.
(I have so many selfless, wonderful people in my life. You all are amazing.)
- Lastly, I had until recently forgotten why Catholics tend to piss me off so much. I think all religions tend to foster different dialects of pretension, and I'll admit it, the Catholic one can be particularly nasty. There's just this feeling of being made a spectacle of, or having certain parts of your life blown out of proportion into the receiving end of this self-righteous, pseudo-pitying, dogmatic, sadistic, funnel that's capable of the most pedantic sorts of judgments and exaggerations. And gossip. It's the sort of thing that makes the angry girl deep inside me want to stand up and stir up a bunch of shit, just for the hell of it. (I know, I know. The way to make it go away is to take the high road. I KNOW. But sometimes it's just too tempting...sigh.)
2 comments:
The way I (as a male) feel about it would be taken by many as sexist. I feel that a man's role is to provide for the family. Now that's not because the wife can't, but because the wife can do things I can't. She can raise my child, and so I'll do everything in my power to make it so that's all she has to do in life. If she WANTS to do other things as well, fine, but she will never HAVE to.
I think that even in this liberated society, it's still not totally acceptable to be a stay-at-home dad. For me, it's more like wanting to do more than just raise a kid. I want to do my EE stuff cause it's interesting to me.
As far as providing goes, I have no qualms with making less than my wife-to-be. Not being the primary provider isn't an issue, just making sure that there's enough coming in to support a family of whatever size is. I was prepared for that for a while when I was dating Ashley who would have graduated with a starting salary $40k-50k greater than my own. I don't think that my wife should have to stay home to raise any kids either, I feel like I'm equally capable of doing it if it came down to it, so it'd be up to whatever arrangement was made, really. It's weird to think of not working a EE job and staying home all day and I don't think I'd necessarily feel very satisfied, but who would I be to tell someone else that they had to do that if they wouldn't feel satisfied in the same position?
I hear you about the biological clock thing though. As someone who could potentially remain virile for quite some time and who doesn't have to worry about the physical toll of childbirth, I don't have the same feelings of "I've gotta do it soon." In fact, being a father any time in the next 2-4 years feels rushed. It's not that I don't like kids, it's more that I recognize that I'm not yet mature enough to handle the responsibility of a child.
I have a pretty good notion of how I feel about the roles of a man and a woman in a relationship though, I know what I expect out of myself and what I expect out of my wife, which I guess is abnormal for my sex and age...
I don't know much about actual Catholics, since you're about half of the real Catholics I know (family members and friends who are "Catholic" don't count), but I've met people in other religious establishments in my God-fearing stage of life who reminded me of the caricatures in Saved! and I find the things you mention to be equally frustrating from a secular point of view.
PS: I get so frustrated by the word verification schemes on websites I guess because I can't read. Better than the alternative though...
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