Bring Me Men*

I realized today that I have extremely high standards.

I mean, that's something I've known for awhile but there are a number of exact principles or characteristics that I'm more choosy about than I really ever consciously thought about. Growing up as a military brat, and having a perfectionist for a father, has made me expect certain things of the people around me (more often guys than girls). I realized that I haven't dated anyone who's lived up to all of those standards, which has probably caused me to lose more respect for them on a subconscious level than I previously admitted.

For example, there was one guy. I'll call him "Billy." Billy was a mistake in more ways than one, but one thing I remember most about him was a conversation we had some while after 9/11. It went something like:

Billy: "If they have a draft I'm gonna blow my toe off."
Me: "WHY?! Wouldn't that hurt?"
Billy: "Yeah, but then I won't have to serve."

I told myself at the time that I admired him for standing on his principles, and that I didn't care about something as silly as wanting or not to serve in the armed forces, but...holy crap. You don't grow up seeing the incredible things that people have done for this country and then support someone who would go to lengths to avoid giving any of that back. Deep down I thought that his attitude was immature, childish, and ungrateful, and that he had just insulted my entire way of life. I was surprised that I had to be the one to end that relationship because by the time I dumped him I had lost all of my respect for him and wasn't being the most caring girlfriend anymore.

I realized that I haven't dated ANYONE who would even consider serving in the military. All of them have said something along the lines of "I don't want to get hurt" or "I don't want to die" or "It's just not worth it" or something. I think on some level I've translated that (perhaps unfairly) as "I really don't have the character to make sacrifices for the good of anyone besides my immediate self, and I'm really selfish and kind of wimpy." One of them told me he was glad that I'd never be a figher pilot because he said it made him feel like a wuss thinking about me wanting to do that when he had no urge or desire at all to get involved with the military.

Ummm. Well buddy no offense but...

Alot of this goes deeper than the military thing though, and it's probably not the smartest example to use because now people are going to think that means I want an abusive, violent, and irrational male figure in my life which isn't true at all. It does, however, matter a LOT to me that someone (myself included) would have the stomach to stand up and answer the call, and it matters to me that someone would have the character and perseverence to seek out and surmount challenges.

In some ways it's like I've been "too strong" for most of the guys I've dated. I've been too assertive and too firm in my convictions - or at least more assertive and firm in my convictions than they have been. I've had a "suck it up" attitude (also due in large part to being a military brat and being one of maybe 10 people on earth who probably heard the word "no" as much growing up as they heard the word "yes"). Most of them seem to have been raised with a "nurse it along niiiiiiice and slow till it's better" attitude - and my impatience with that has also caused conflight.

Another of my ex's - we'll call him "Fred" - was the oldest child (or the only child, I'm not going to be too specific). He was also his mother's favorite and was used to getting....really really babied. Which is fine. For some people, that's completely fine. And I am sure he will find the right woman to provide the sorts of things that he needs. At the same time, I tend to lose respect for people who seem to just nurse along their injuries, or their hurts, and don't seem to have any desire to actually get on with life. I also lose respect for people who always seem to have to be the victim in EVERY situation.

I am actually a very caring, compassionate, person. However, things with Fred got to the point where one day I mentioned that I'd hurt my ankle from working out and his (only) response was something like "yeah, my knee really hurt today" or "yeah, my back is really sore." It felt like he had to have something wrong with him so he couldn't be responsible for caring for me anymore. He always had some sort of ache or illness, and it was just getting ridiculous because he never worked out or did anything active. If someone is truly injured or sick, I'll do everything within my abilities and heart to help out and make them feel better, but it started to feel like he needed to be cared for too every time I needed anything, JUST because he always had to hurt worse, or need something more. And I can only play that game for so long...I know that sounds harsh, and it sounds harsher than it is, but...there, I've said it.

I remember one time when I was in 5th grade, living in Alabama. I was in a construction yard doing jumps with my crappy bike off of mounds we'd built from dirt and boards and whatnot. I hit a board just the wrong way, went flying, and scraped up my elbow and knee really badly. I walked my bike home (with my friend adivising me not to look at my knee because it was pretty gross and she didn't want me to flip out). Mom cleaned and bandaged everything up and I sat around watching TV for the rest of the afternoon, and then I still had to go to church that night. (Think about it. Church. Knee. Yeah. I didn't kneel outright, of course...)

I busted myself up so badly that day that 9 years later I still have the scars. And I didn't lay around wallowing in self pity over it. I don't think I even cried. My parents never let me sit around feeling sorry about anything. At times that's been hard but I certainly wouldn't change any of those experiences. And it's been strange sometimes to feel like I'm more capable of bouncing back, picking myself up and moving on, making plans, holding things together, than a supposed "man" in my life. I don't think that makes me a monster, or unfeeling. I think that makes me capable, strong, and resourceful. I think that I've ended up with guys that don't have that same attitude because I'm so assertive that I'll go for guys that I see as "gettable" - someone that I can approach and initiate a relationship with. I've noticed that a lot of those guys also seem to be the ones who have very little confidence or maturity themselves. That in turn means that I've ended up making a lot of the choices and pulling a lot of the weight in the relationships.

I'm tired of being the dominant figure in relationships. I think me fulfilling what I mentally label as the "man"'s role has caused harm in (at least) two ways. First, it's made me not see the guys I've been with in their true light and not give them the credit for who they are and what they do bring to a person's life. Second, it's made me see myself as less of a female. Which isn't fair because I can't change who I am, or my work ethic, or my personal drive and initiative. Having those characteristics doesn't make me any less caring, or loving. I love caring for people and making people happy...

I think that the answer isn't for me to change myself, though. I really need to change the type of guy that I date. Part of that is a real challenge (and this is something I've alluded to before) because I know I'm capable of finding someone and initiating a realtionship, if I really want one - but the problem is that if I do that, I'll probably fix myself up with someone who again isn't suited to me in the right way. I know that it's more a matter of waiting for the right person to show up into my life, without me having to chase him down and construct something. And that requires patience. Which I actually have a lot of, albeit begrudgingly so.


*A thousand cool points and a huge hug for anyone who gets the reference.