Bus.

So, there's a really really busy street that divides most of campus proper from some of the dorms. And people always jaywalk across it, and I've seen (and had) some close calls but usually the cars slow down and nobody gets hurt.

A girl in the class of '08 here was killed a few days ago crossing that road.

Life.

Life is really, really important. Whenever anything like this happens, people always pause and reflect on life. The meaning of living life. We always say that we need to learn to not take the small things for granted, that we need to forgive as freely as we love, and love everyone as ourselves. We always say that we need to stop and enjoy things before they pass us by.

What does it really take to do that, though? What does it take to feel that so much in our core that we can't help but to live that way - really live it, instead of telling ourselves to live it?

Lent is almost over. I went into the season during one of the lowest points of my life. I set some personal goals, and I wish I could say that I'd reached them all. I've come close - I'm come farther than I ever have, but I'm not there yet.

Two things that I still miss from being with Tom are the way that we cared for each other (at least, in the beginning) and the way that he was the first person to really give me an outlet for the "girl" inside of me. Every time he knew I'd be crossing that busy street, he'd tell me to be careful. Every single time. It was so wonderful to be reminded of life constantly. I remember writing him long letters while I ate breakfast on my longer class days - writing without any practical reason except to care.

He was the first person that I could really be a girl around, too. It's been wonderful to have so many close guy friends - but the downside is that I've always had to hear about the babes they were into, I always had to just stand by and watch other girls in their perfect makeup and hair and designer clothes play games with the hearts of people I genuinely cared for. It was hard to feel like a legitimate girl myself since I never got the be the target of the flirting, the phone calls, the flowers, the nervous first dates...none of that.

But for some reason, to Tom, I was womanly. I even felt cute. I got to do things like giving backrubs, and caresses. I got to cook (and teach him how to cook!) while he stood there rubbing my back, or with an arm around me - just being more affectionate than anyone I'd dated before. I got to be someone other than the serious, sarcastic, touchy, overly moral and unreasonable Jenn that everyone else seemed to know, and instead I got to be seen as a caring, loving, sweet, intelligent, funny, cute, woman. It was like someone looked down and said "HEY! I know you! I can see your values and your hopes, fears, ideals, dreams, and flaws all together for what you are, and I think that you're actually just great!".

I miss being that girl, but I know I don't need another guy to bring her back. One of the hard things about going through difficult situations is that people tend to remember things that stick out a lot. This semester has really put a lot on my plate and recently I've been so worried that because people have seen me upset, and edgy, and really not myself lately that I'm going to be forever categorized as that to them. But I also realized today that I'm probably worrying too much (again) about what other people think and it's probably been keeping me from letting go and just taking days one at a time; situations one at a time, and living from moment to moment as happily as I can. So, that's my final challenge for Lent. I want to find that girl again and not let her out of my sight.