Alter-Ego

Alicia staggered out the front door, lifted an unsteady foot toward the top step, and tumbled down to the ground in an unseemly mess. Too weak to pull herself back up, she propped herself up on her elbows and retched. Waves of nausea spilled over her as she slumped back down again. Remembering something she'd read in some poorly written spy novel years ago, she dug her thumbnails into her gums until she tasted blood.

There. A bit better. She took a deep breath. A few more deep breaths and she'd be able to force this emotional hologram back into the cozy space of real life. She shut her eyes as memories came back - briefly, visiting only in her weakness, soon be buried deep again.

Christmas had started out innocently enough. A lazy winter's day had dawned beautifully in her cozy suburban neighborhood. She'd awakened amind pleasant thoughts and voices, and tiptoed downstairs. The Others had started to appear later. Others - who were they, really? She thought she'd understood what she was getting herself into with this mission. It was supposed to be something comfortable, a bit of a reward for the challenging ones of years past and of the most recent, more serious missions. This was supposed to be normal practice - practice for real life, or whatever it was that awaited her when her service time was up. They hadn't warned her that this one was going to be worse than the others!

The woman - what was her name - another retch - Anne! God, she wasn't a woman. Nevermind what the programmers thought or tried to imagine they thought, this wasn't a prime example of normal human behavior. They'd overdosed Anne on self-pity and cynicism, resulting in some odd transposition of a spiteful fourteen year old personality into a middle aged body. Fucked if that was normal, Alicia reflected. Anne had that frightening, demonic, quality that arose when an Other either had a serious, real, psychological breakdown - or when the imbeciles they had down in R2N084 seriously slacked off on the robustness checks.

Never mind the cause. For now. Eventually, it would have to be examined, analyzed, documented. The difference between flipped bits and a bipolar Other was as much as the difference between a 2 minute mindFix and a 5 year stay in the rehab suite, unless she was able to do most of the damage control now, herself. Alicia couldn't afford the time in the rehab suite - monetarily or in terms of the impact on this supposed career she was forcing out of herself.

Anyway. Christmas. Damned, bloody, godforsaken Christmas. Alicia had stretched out on the sofa and allowed her e-pill to take effect. The e-pills were another supposedly genius invention by the Regulators to try and eliminate all of the false results that cropped up when agents couldn't snap out of agent mentality well enough for the "real world" simulations. She hadn't been thrilled at the prospect of taking it, but she'd been promised that the rewards would be both lasting and genuine if she just gave herself the chance to experience things from a "real" state of mind. Fucked if she'd ever do that again - agents were trained for a good reason.

Anne had been in a pretty good mood as the day started. Something was wrong with the Environment settings, though, and the two Others in the house hadn't interacted correctly. One of them kept forgetting that it was Christmas, and the other one kept forgetting that it wasn't the morning after a hard night of drinking - or whatever else causes a person to sleep until 1430 without having pulled an all-nighter or something similarly heinous the previous night. Most Others probably could have dealt with the funny Environment settings, but Anne's bugs were unusually adept at exploiting those particular vulnerabilities. She sat at the kitchen table, with her lips pursed and her eyes narrowed into little darts of hatred, working one of those mindless puzzles in the daily newspaper. Alicia, fully under the influence of her e-pill, offered a few cheery remarks only to be met with withering retorts. Confused and slightly dizzy, she'd returned to her post on the sofa.

Eventually, the Environment settings restored themselves and the characters acted like the family they were trying to represent. Anne turned to Luke, the Other that had slept in, and made some trite remark regarding her excitement about the impending holiday ritual. Alicia decided to increase her participation percentage for the simulation, and maybe get some better grip of the situation and the Others, by handing out the packages stored underneath the Evergreen tree temporarily residing inside the family's living room. It was when they were unwrapping the presents that things started to fall apart.

Alicia hadn't been warned that the e-pill made the user completely vulnerable to all of the emotions of an untrained human, and so she was unprepared for the magnitude of the depression that hit her when she realized the Others' - especially Anne's - utter lack of human regard for the holiday, even though this whole Simulation was supposed to stitch together something desired and created by the Others. It wasn't disregard. It was something bordering on hatred? No - there clearly wasn't enough love for the hatred to be there. Spite maybe?

Surreptitiously Alicia fingered the hidden "explain" button on her emergency controller for the Simulation. A hologram of Anne popped up, wandering around the supermarket with a shopping cart and talking to herself.

"FUCK IT!" She snapped to herself in a self-righteous tizzy. "They don't deserve anything - I'm too tired to do anything. I've given my fucking life - and - I just won't do it anymore." With one last bitter sigh and the dramatic gestures more suited to one living inside one of those awful Soap Opera worlds on the Fix, Anne swept a few boxes of fruit snacks into the shopping cart and headed for the checkout. Alicia checked Anne's status meters in the holographic projection and realized that her "Connection" fuse was completely blown out.

Great. This was an Other with a serious grudge who'd - either intentionally or not - completely disconnected herself from the EmotionWeb connecting herself to all of the Others. In other words - she just didn't realize what the implications of her emotions actually were and instead was locked in some sort of terrible feedback cycle, eating her own emotions and interpreting those as being the ones shared and expressed by everyone else. She was becoming jaded on resentment and negavtivity.

Catching her breath, Alicia looked up. She tried to remember the protocol, to force herself back into agent mode, to find the mental breadth and width of the problem space, but under control of the e-pill it was all but possible. This was Christmas, for fuck's sake. A time for love, enjoyment, for practicing the "good" skills, for experiencing thoughtfulness and for tasting some of that oft-fabled "magic" that the programmers liked to joke on about. It was Christmas, not another empty day on the holodeck. Right? The pill was strong. Alicia had to struggle to remember if this was another Simulation or if she'd been deposited back into actual Real Life for this assignment. She was human, natural - worst of all, vulnerable. She had to get a grip, even as the room started to acquire that uncomfortable, grimy sheen of an overplayed Sim. She had to let this be real. Be Real. The magic had gone, living a bland, slightly metallic taste in her mouth, but maybe the day could still be salvaged a bit.

An hour or two later, more Others showed up. Alicia was as prepared as she could have been - the e-pill was finally starting to wear off and she was regaining a few vestiges of sensibility. Weary as she was of approaching Others as an agent, she was beginning to slip back into her old self.

At least, she had been. Nobody had warned her that an increased number of Others would intensify the effects of the e-pill. Nobody had warned her that after an evening of catching a glimmer here and there of the insects residing inside Anne's rotten, hollow, body that it would only take a moment for that *other* Other to crack Alicia herself wide open with a renegade shot. Betrayal, distrust, and - that old friend - resentment all came flooding forth from Anne's proxy directed toward Alicia. The meter on the controller hadn't registered the full magnitde of the apathy and bland cruelty - and of course, the proxy hadn't been able to recognize the EmotionWeb disconnect, and fuck - fuck, she'd subscribed to Anne's reality herself, and - time to fall apart - ?

In an instant, the Simulation wavered and faded - no, those were tears. Damnit...was this the Simulation? So hard to remember again. Alicia wasn't convinced that the Others were Others - they seemed all of a sudden so real, even with the obvious discontinuties and - the pill - someone programmed the Others to make sure she'd get another pill as the first was wearing off - what bloody fucking sort of - oh, shit on it all. Alicia pulled herself through the soupy layers of perception and forced herself to find her way upstairs to get the e-pill remedy. She made it outside, and then swallowed, bracing herself for the impending weakness and nausea...

Another deep breath. The world was okay again. Not magical, not glimmering, not radiant, not wonderful - but okay. Her strength was returning in leaps and bounds. "I should have seen this coming," Alicia told herself ruefully. They wouldn't have put her through all those other Simulations just to give her this year off. She'd be okay - this was what they trained her for. The e-pills had probably been a part of their bloody game, trying to see if she was still as vulerable and gullible as she'd been before. It hadn't been fun, but she wasn't nearly as shaken or upset as she'd been the first time, before they'd given her any Training.

She'd figure it out some day. Some day - some day, she wouldn't be an agent confined to silly simulations and games. When she finally learned whatever it was that They were trying to show her - or maybe just when she had enough credits saved to buy herself passage away from here and into the Real Thing. Maybe then she'd find the magic - maybe then she'd have a reason to spend Christmas somewhere real.

Ranting about Politics

I'm guessing by now that most people have read about the Barak Obama Thing wherein he made fun of some college reporter at one of his events, and the reporter wrote a flaming article about it, and then he called the reporter to apologize.

Because of doing this, he's suddenly the "good guy", the "decent man", the one who "speaks the language of the younger generation and honestly wants to reach out to them", who will let NPR listen in on his phone calls out of the kindness of his heart just to indulge them and their audience.

I suppose it's probably par for the course, but I'm really irritated by the amount of headfirst feel-goodness that's coming from this - not because Obama did something decent, but because of the utter hypocrisy in people's responses to it.

Imagine that it hadn't been Obama, but some Republican instead. Then, instead of lauding him (or her) for doing such a great deed by reaching out to the youngsters, there would be accusations of "exploiting" the situation for personal political gain, accusations that the person was just using the publicity generated as free campaign capital. Letting NPR or some other media outlet listen in would have only emphasized that argument - instead of a pure act, it would have been seen as a slimy political maneuver. (And honestly - how pure are the intentions of a guy who can't simply call and apologize to someone without making sure that the rest of the world knows he's doing it?)

I thought this generation was supposed to be more savvy, more intellectual, more able to look at the "deep, underlying" aspects of a situation and make well informed decisions instead of being swept along by superficial acts and attitudes.

Blah. This upsets me as much as when people vote for one particular party just because of a strong, overly emotional obsession with a single issue (and in many cases, an issue that the candidate or party won't be able to fix by itself) and don't take into account any of the issues that will more likely be affected by that candidate.

Fun In DC

Kathryn and I took the metro into DC this morning, and spent the day downtown. It was good fun.

We went to the Air & Space Museum first. Even though I go there...fairly frequently... I still found some things I really hadn't noticed before to look at. I liked looking at all the Cold War stuff, things that had a lot more relevance to me after taking that Cold War class last semester than they did before. We took the "free guided tour" given by a really sweet old man who was full of stories about some of the planes. He talked a lot about the early space program, too, which was cool.

After that we walked over to Union Station to eat and look at the model train. Union Station is one of my favorite places in DC - it's so elegant and grand...makes you feel like you're in some sort of romantic novel or movie just to walk around inside. Also on the walk over we were crossing a street and I caught this trucker checking one of us out and then when he saw me noticing, he revved his engine at us as we walked in front of the truck. Then when the light changed and he came around the corner, he honked and waved. It was silly and made us act like giggly high schoolers for a second.

After Union Station we went to the "In the Beginning: Bibles from 1000 and Before" exhibit at the Freer Gallery. Apparently the guy who established the Freer Gallery was also a collector of early Biblical texts, and this is the first time that some of them had ever been on display. There were some there that were dated to be from 75 or 100 CE at the latest. It was really incredible to be able to actually see artifacts that have lasted from when Christianity was just beginning...in some ways it made the faith seem a bit more tangible and less like some fantasy that was grown from legend and twisted into shape over centuries and centuries.

Finally, as dusk was approaching, we walked to the World War II memorial. We walked around the whole thing while the sun was setting - I know how sappy I tend to be, so I don't think we could have chosen a better time to see it than amidst the roar of the water in the fountains combined with the echo of the winds through the colums as the shadows grew longer and then faded into blackness...it was truly awe inspiring.

After the memorial, we walked over to the Ellipse and saw the National Christmas Tree. It was pretty neat. By then we were both rather tired and there was a plethora of screaming children, so we finished up and headed back to the Metro station. Kathryn indulged me while I stopped at the Tivoli's in Rosslyn to bring back some cookies for the family. Tivoli's is great. I practically grew up on those cookies. Good times.

Hopefully in the next few days I'll post some of the DC pictures - if not here, then on Facebook. Maybe both places. We shall see.

The End of An Era

Last Friday, Fisher DeBerry announced that he would step down as the head coach for the Air Force Falcons. (http://goairforcefalcons.cstv.com/sports/m-footbl/spec-rel/121506aaa.html)

He was head coach for 23 seasons - longer than I've been alive. I literally grew up watching him lead the team through a number of seasons; some mediocre and some outstanding.

Air Force Football was a - I won't say integral - but perhaps... consistent? part of my life growing up. One of my first winter hats wasn't really a hat; it was a piece of cloth fashioned in the shape of a Falcon Football helmet (complete with chin strap...)

When we lived in Colorado, we went to a lot of games. I remember cowering against the bleachers during the fly-bys, trying to find a compromise between hiding from that awfully loud noise and still keeping my eyes on the magnificent ships above - and closing my eyes at the last second when the planes would appear to be WAY TOO CLOSE. I remember a friend of my parents' walking me around the bleachers when I got too tired and cranky to watch the games, and helping me fish out blue and white pom-poms carelessly tossed aside by the fans. My brother and I built up quite the collection of blue and white pom-poms over the years.

The first practical joke I ever played involved a whoopee cushion, a Falcons game on TV, and yelling for Dad to come quick because Air Force was about to get a first down. (I didn't even know what a first down was at that point, but I learned soon after.)

Living in other places, Falcon football seemed like a way to tie some commonality into the vastly different places we'd live. If we were living close to Dad's USAFA buddies or other friends from work, there would usually be a game or two during the season that they'd come over and watch. Same group, same TV, same coach tossing his baseball cap on the ground in frustration and pacing back and forth in his characteristic stalking motion, same jokes, same stories, same food - different location, different job, different climate. There's something incredible about having essentially the same community regardless of physical location.

Living in DC and Ohio meant some trips to Annapolis or West Point for the game against whichever of the other service academies had a home game against Air Force that year. I remember finally getting over my fear of loud explosions at West Point watching Army and Air Force play what actually ended up being a pretty pathetic game on Army's part. (When was the last time Army actually won the Commander-In-Chief's trophy? Anyone?)

I remember going to the Navy game at FedEx field 3 weeks after 9/11. Talk about an emotional game. (Air Force won.)

In an odd happening of fate, the first time in years that I witnessed Air Force losing to Navy was on a weekend in early October during senior year of high school. We drove to DC for the game, staying with some friends who were living on Ft. Meade at the time. When we got back from the weekend on Sunday night, my letter of joy from the DoD-MERB was waiting for me. The only other thing I remember from that night was biting some poor kid's head off online when he asked me for some help on calc homework.

Needless to say, after that weekend I didn't quite feel the same affinity for Fisher or his Falcons. Air Force still hasn't beaten Navy again. I tease Dad about it every October.

I mean - DeBerry is just a man. Just an ex-coach for a team that I don't even follow that much anymore, or cheer for more than sporadically. But it's a name I grew up hearing, yet another figure of things from the past and hopes for the future that never really came to fruition. It's a symbol from Christmas break of years ago and the bowl season, of crisp fall days doing homework with College Gameday in the background, maybe of being young and of thinking that things aren't ever actually going to change that much.

The team's recent struggles (putting it mildly) aside, it seems only natural that he'd step down now. Not a day has gone by recently that I haven't felt - acutely - how much closer I'm inching to being out in that world by myself, trying to make something interesting of my life doing something halfway relevant for the world. It's pretty usual for college kids to feel like this, and I know I've written about it so many times that by now it's passe and worn out.

But. I don't know. It's hard not to worry about it. Thinking back - growing up was a lot of fun. I can't really complain about my childhood - so many experiences, so much laughter, surrounded by so many good friends of the family. I panic a bit thinking about what I'm in the process for carving out for myself. Where will my friends be? Will I ever find a man who actually wants to live the sort of life that I crave, achieve the sorts of things that I see possible (both in terms of family and career)? Is my family going to be able to carry on in the same spirit of adventure that I experienced growing up? I want to live in Colorado again. I want to live in the Southwest again. I want to live places that I've never been, I want to live overseas. I want my kids to have the same sense of identity, of community, of broad experience that I had growing up. The world is too big, and yet also too small not to at least try to experience as much of it as possible.

There was a lot of tension between Tom M. and myself after we were engaged. He fell in love with my spontaneity, my sense of adventure, my willingness to take on the world. And then for some reason he didn't understand why it upset me so terribly when he talked about wanting to settle down in a comfy neighborhood in whatever bland town somewhere near his buddies from work, and just not moving for 25 or 30 years. He couldn't understand why I wasn't comfortable with carving out a mellow, low-key, comfortable existence. I mean - I want comfort, but only comfort in the sense of stability - the sort of stability that I grew up with. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want my sense of adventure to retire with the old Coach. I want to keep pressing on, as much as I can, toward whatever I can. I'm afraid of things being out of my hands to the point where that won't be a choice I get to make. Blerg.

Shaking off the Night

Men See You As: Not a Challenge

When you're in love, you lay it all out on the line And while men do appreciate your honesty... Do you ever wonder if you're being a little too available? Pull back a little! He'll be wanting you even more.

Are You a Challenge?

--------

Thursday I plowed my way through a book Christina got me called "The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing." It was basically a novel that gave snapshots of this girl's life as she grew up and had various types of experiences with various men, always landing with a guy who fulfilled some of her needs but wasn't exactly for her in the end. In the final couple of chapters, she buys one of those "Rules of Dating" books ("Never accept a date less than three days in advance", "Never dance with a guy more than once at a party", etc.) because she's so desperate to meet "the one" and have him actually be interested in her. Of course, the author chooses for the self-righteous ending and has the main character nearly destroy the one man who is perfect for her, and who does love her "the right way" because she's busy playing by the rules of "the game"* in a desperate attempt to "keep him interested." Point being, supposedly, that when the right one comes along the "rules" aren't supposed to matter or apply, or even help in the end.

How true is that, though? Is the book (written by a female) simply looking to placate the zillions of women (myself included) who just aren't in the least bit comfortable trying to manipulate someone just for his affections? Does it maybe actually truly hurt things to be too open, too frank, "too available"? Maybe people are just messy equations of chemicals and physiology. If so, that would support the argument that manipulation is actually necessary, or at least helps quite a bit in keeping a man interested. Another book I'm reading has some psychological undertones, and it talks about the psychology of seduction.

One of the most important aspects of seduction is the aura of mystery. This experience with the unknown is intended to create an excitement that causes the release of phenylethylamine. Phenylethylamine apparently is the culprit for causing that wonderful "emotional" rush of feeling "euphoric, energetic, and optimistic" during sexual interactions. One can argue a good point about monogamy and waiting for marriage to have sex simply from the perspective of wanting this rush to be as good as it can be with the person that you're going to live with forever (a nice thing to want, given that it's going to be forever), and so accomplishing this by simply leaving everything as a big mystery until marriage. I get sidetracked though; that's not the point.

The point is that if so much of human experience can be boiled down to "feelings" that really come from hormones, and that those hormones need certain stimuli for release - isn't that a really good argument for engaging in the sort of coquettish, manipulative, behavior that I tend to abohor (not to mention, completely fail at?) I've shifted away from the seduction and back into the more "emotional" realm, but really - isn't that how most people characterize falling in love - that heady, dizzy, feeling that comes from finally getting close to someone you've wanted for awhile and haven't ever known that you could have?

And - girls, let's be honest. How many times have we turned down dates from guys that seem just too open, too "there?" How many times has a previously "boring, available" guy seemed much more attractive after he's suddenly not single anymore?

Before I give the impression that I've given up on "real love" - let me say two things. First, while the experience of "falling in love" (the chemicals, maybe) maybe does rely on those hormones getting released, that's still not to say that maniuplation is necessary. (Note that it DOES say, however, that manipulation technically is sufficient.) I would contend that it's probably much more satisfactory to let things happen naturally, and given the wide variety of personalities out there, there probably is someone who is capable of having their happy hormones stimulated by someone who tends to be less distant and mysterious than others. It just takes some looking.

Second...it's important to realize that the behaviors which might be conducive to "falling in love" (especially taking the manipulative road) aren't really conducive to a long term relationship, especially having a family. I mean, in some ways, sure - in terms of sex, mostly, though. In the long run, though, I would think that most people would want an open, honest, reliable, trustworthy mate - especially if they have children. I think where most people get hung up is the "spark" - that hormonal rush. And that's where most girls will completely discount an otherwise fabulous (haha, okay maybe not fabulous ;-) ) guy - how many times have we all heard the phrase "He's perfect, but my stomach just doesn't do flip flops when I see him?"

For what it's worth, I've had a couple relationships that bypassed the "dizzy, falling in love" feeling. In the long run, it didn't actually seem to make any sort of negative difference - I always still ended up with a guy that I was close to, could trust, was comfortable around, and could have fun with. (Not to say that there wasn't any physical enjoyment. I think that the "falling in love" feeling is completely separate from the way it feels to kiss, hold, and caress someone you really care about. It's different for me, at least, although I think that some people who haven't experienced a healthy relationship might not agree.) Regardless of the fact that those relationships obviously still ended - at least they ended for pretty substantive reasons - personality conflicts, values conflicts, etc. - and not just because we "fell out of love." I was able to feel like I really learned from all of the relationships, and walked away from them with a better sense of who I am and what I need in a long term partner.

Uh, where was I going...oh yeah! The only real conundrum here is - what to do if you're the "perfect guy" or "perfect girl" who's getting rejected _solely_ on the grounds of being "too available?" I know a lot of people in this position. It's dangerous territory. On one hand, probably anyone worth your time is going to appreciate you how you are. On the other hand, millions of years of evolution and a deeply engraved physiological blueprint are likely going to tip the scales slightly in favor of the more mysterious types. It's a compelling argument for perhaps tweaking a couple behaviors - at least until they're head over heels for you, at which point you're somewhat free to at least be your loving, caring, and hopefully open, self. I guess it's a matter of deciding if the other person is really worth the effort it takes to make their happy hormones come out and play, just to win you the chance to show them how great you really are.

Be careful when playing with fire, though.



* I just lost The Game, speaking of such things. Damnit.

Tightrope Walking

I drove home from CMU today. It was a good drive...really peaceful and relaxing.
I had awhile to think, as usual.

I think about people a lot. People and how people try to relate to people.

I don't understand the point of lying to someone you've just met. Someone who hasn't yet made any judgments or value statements about you...and yet you're still playing the game of trying to do and say what they want to hear. What's the point of that? Isn't it better to be honest before things get to the point where someone could get hurt? Or even - isn't it better to give the other person a chance to accept you as you are? It just seems like making so many assumptions about other people leads to really pointlessly difficult situations in the end.

At the same time, I know people deserve a lot of slack. If someone's trying to do better than they did before, maybe it's reasonable for them to state something that's an ideal moreso than a reality in the hopes that it'll become a reality. Maybe someone doesn't want to drag something painful around with them if they don't have to, or maybe they were hurt in the past by telling the truth, or being too honest about what they want or are doing. It's not really my place to judge, it's just...when you know so many different people who are playing different roles in discrete (but analogous) situations, it just...yeah. In some ways it seems like a minor miracle that people are able to get anywhere with each other at all, given that there seem to be first so many shades of behavior as opposed to word, and then - so many shades of motivation and rationale for aforementioned behavior. I guess that's what getting to know someone is about, but regardless of how long you know someone - you can't ever know what you don't know. (Ha.)

How much should rationale matter, anyway? Does that make things needlessly complicated, or give too much of an easy excuse to people who don't actually deserve it? I don't think so, but where can one make the distinction in order to stop short of self-delusion?

Just. Happy.

Finals are over! Yay!

Let me see...Tuesday was a really long day. I hardly slept and then I had 6 hours of exams spread over 12 hours. The last one was Signals & Systems, which ended up being a pretty decent test. When I first sat down I was really nervous and went completely blank...I started working through it though, and felt really good about it by the time it was over. Not the same story with my CS test from Monday...yeah. That was a bad, bad, experience in spite of the fact that the CS department gives us chocolate halfway through. Blergh. It was awful. I wasted time studying important things from the class only to show up and have lots of...hard..."not so much stressed" things from class on the test. Blah. At any rate, everything was done quickly, so I'm not complaining too much.

Yesterday was a great day. I slept in (which for me is to about 9am) and then just...killed time...for awhile. I ran to campus really quickly (and forgot half the things I needed to do there) but had a good meeting with the staff advisor for one of the groups I'm involved with. I can't get over how wonderful all of CMU's...people...are. We were trying to come up with a speaker for our spring dinner and I get to send some e-mails to corporations begging. She also gave me some really good leadership advice, and we talked about some other stuff. It's funny how much different I feel about CMU this year after actually spending more time on campus and around people in the department compared to freshman and sophomore year. It's really starting to feel like I have a place here, and I'm not just another anonymous posing face. I mean, it took me forever to feel like I even deserved to be at CMU, much less be someone that had any kind of familiarity with the place and the department...

Along those lines, Laura and I are rooming together again next year. Yesterday it hit me that next year is going to be the 4th year I've been here, and the thought of staying with some random person and not being in a comfortable place filled with people I know and like just seemed...depressing. Which probably sounds like a somewhat obvious statement to most people (makes sense to want to be around friends) but I take so long to warm up and open up to people that for me to actually have strong feelings about it kind of surprised me. In a good way. I have the best friends in the world. Seriously. *Insert Hallmark sappy sh*t here.*

I also went book shopping yesterday - partly for myself, partly to have Chirstmas with the roomies + another friend. I picked up the new Thomas Harris book (I've got this odd fascination with the Hannibal series, what can I say...) and couple other more serious books. Then I got books from Laura and Chrstina! I'm so excited to have things to READ over break. It's going to be the first Christmas break in college ever that I'm not spending almost completely with someone else (the way I did with Charles and then Tom)...and I am really looking forward to having the time to myself to read, and sleep, and write, and think, and spend time with my family. Katie also got me this 3-D puzzle thing that's a sphere. It's going to be a lot of fun to build. I might see if my Mom wants to do it with me.

Break is going to completely rock. I'm looking forward to seeing so many people, and just enjoying life for awhile. Really, I haven't had this much freedom since ....ever....because before college there was always Charles, and then summers I've had work, and last year there was Tom...so....yeah. Wow. I don't think anything could put me in a bad mood right now.

Always Something There To Remind Me

Hmm. Finals week. More like finals day-and-a-half, but I'm not complaining.

It's been an interesting weekend. I got a lot of studying done, and still feel like I might be somewhat challenged on the 212 final. I guess it's supposed to be like that for everyone, though.

I decided to stick around in Pittsburgh for a few days after my finals. I really need the time to just decompress and think a lot, and get some sleep, and here seems like a good place to do it. There's a lot to think about. A lot of people to think about. I'm not going to sleep well until I get some things sorted out, or at least on their way to being sorted out.

Life is so tricky sometimes.

I was hanging out with a friend of mine last night, and we were sitting around talking while one of my playlists ran in the background. Whenever a song came on that he hadn't heard, he'd stop and listen to it. I gave him a hard time about it, but really...it was cool. I think it says a lot about a person. Then again, I'm probably biased when it comes to music and someone paying attention to my own playlist. Ha.

This is not good. I keep typing things, reconsidering, and deleting. I should be more focused than this if I'm going to go face down a CS final in 3.5 hours.

Lab-tastic

Tonight was my last lab for the school year. Oh man, was it a bitch. Laura and I got there at 4:30, started seriously working around 5, and finished up around 8:45 or so. It didn't seem like it should have needed to take so long, but there were just a lot of dumb MATLAB details to work out...like how to scale the x axis on a fft plot, and figuring out the frequency spectrum of a set of filters they gave, and dealing with the fact that MATLAB just quit doing the whole sound thing every few runs. Blah. We got through it, though, and as usual Laura put up with a fair amount of my pulling semi-plausible explanations for things that were totally wrong out of my butt and trying to work with them until a TA cleared things up for us. Heh.

It's going to be nice not having a lab next semester. I don't know why, but I always dread these days when I know that after class I have to stay around for another 3 hours and mess around with stuff. I think that even if it were extra homework I'd be happier...I just hate the general feel of labs.

In other news. I think I'm going to save all my blogs and give them to my future daughter, if I ever have one, to read if she wants. On one hand it'll be kinda strange, like letting her read my diary. On the other hand...well, hell. Let's hope I'm not putting anything out here for that I wouldn't want my own flesh and blood to see. I wonder how much my own perspectives on life are going to change between now and then...

That time of the semester again...

Last night I had a conversation with my roommates that brough up some interesting thoughts...I just typed out the story that I told them, but it's irrelevant to what I'm actually wanting to get at here.

Fuck it, I don't even know what I'm trying to get at besides the fact that I ended up thinking about a lot of things that were perfectly fine just buried in the past, but that I ended up just upsetting myself over again and questioning a lot of things about myself (not their fault; I chose to talk...and of course it's normal to question one's self...)

I have one week of classes left, and one "week" of finals. This week has a lab, a problem set, and a quiz in one class. Two finals in other classes (both on the same day), meetings that I don't exactly have time for, and a project in another class.

All 3 of my "real" finals occur within 24 hours on Monday and Tuesday of finals week. It's true that I can get one of those changed since I have so many, but it's also true that the professor who teaches the one final I would choose to change only gives the option of taking it SOONER, and given my upcoming week....no. I don't have time to study for *anything* this week, much less my hardest class...

No matter where I go to study, people are...distracting. I wish I could just get away from EVERYTHING and everyone for a few days and concentrate on work. I'm getting into that nasty "no sleep => overly emotional => hard to think => work takes more time => hard to sleep => overly emotional => making things more difficult for myself => hard to think => no sleep" sort of cycle, and it sucks. I don't even have anything new or insightful to say about any of the emotional items, because most of them aren't even relevant to my life right now and aren't really the sorts of things that beg for much discussion...they're just *there*. Sometimes I hate being a girl!

I need a hug. :-P

The Little Mermaid

Was my favorite Disney movie when I was a kid.

The Little Mermaid You scored 60% Isolation, 77% Proactiveness, and 51% Reliance on Humans.

Congratulations. You're one of the few fairy tale heroines (in fact, the only one that I can think of) who doesn't get the guy. And if you think I'm wrong, throw aside your Disney misconceptions and read Hans Christian Andersen's original tale. Your life is not easy, and to be honest, you've caused a lot of your own trouble, but you have the consolation of knowing you are a virtuous person. While you may have the constant companionship of a prince, you know you don't have his whole heart. If that's not your exact situation, then at least I can say that while you're not fully alone, you don't feel fully included by anyone, either. The Little Mermaid's sisters did everything they could to bail her out of a tight spot, and you can rest assured that there is someone out there who would do the same for you. That might be your sisters, it might even be yourself, but it is certain that your friends & helpers are those close to your own heart. Probably your strongest feature is your proactiveness. When you want something, you (unlike many fairy tale heroines) will do your best to obtain it. You will struggle and strive, and you won't give up. Your reward may not be on this earth, but you will receive one.

Conversations with the Devil

If you read it carefully, it's a proof by contradiction regarding the possibility of "fortune telling" - ascertaining an exact outcome to anything. Even better, it doesn't play on any moral arguments or fire-and-brimstone rhetoric.


----------------
"God" he prayed, "I am too confused to see things through the window of my own heart. I am too weak in my impatience, but full of faith. I need you to tell me right away where my life is going."

"Young one, I am here. You need only ask your questions, and I shall answer you. I am the Way, the Truth, and the Light."

Sasha reached out his hand, and allowed himself to be led along the path by the tall, shadowy, figure. Trusting in this anonymous, confident person, he began his inquisition.

"Will my grades turn out okay?"

"Yes."

"Will my friend Betty find the love that she needs?"

"Yes."

"Will I ever be united with one of my own to love?"

"Yes."

"Soon?"

"No."

His heart sinking, but emboldened by the direct answers, the impetuous one pressed on.

"Is it really okay to ask God direct questions about the future?"

"No."

"But You'll give me the right answers if I keep asking anyway?"

"Yes."

The path grew narrow and difficult to travel. The boy - was he a man, or a boy? - realized that he was holding onto this - thing - supposedly God, for dear life. It seemed that the more he asked, the more he needed to know, and the more confused he became.

"Will I have to spend time with that other person?"

"Yes."

"Will it matter in the long run?"

"No."

"So now that I know, can't I choose not to?"

"No."

"You're saying that life is entirely predestined?"

"Yes."

"I thought I had choice."

"Yes."

"So, why do I have to do it?"

"No."

Sasha realized that he couldn't breathe. He wasn't sure who he was really walking with, but the temperature around them was quickly rising. Upset and fearful of the future, he tried to struggle free from the mysterious being. Saying nothing, the being kept a firm grip on his hand and kept on leading him - downhill. Intoxicated by the knowledge, and desperate to obtain the reassurance he craved, Sasha kept on.

"Am I talking to God?"

"Yes."

"Am I really talking to God?"

"No."

"Am I really talking to God?"

"Yes."

"Does me knowing what's going to happen give me the ability to change it?"

"No."

"Why don't I have real choice, then?!"

"Yes."

They came to the end of a path. In front of them was a river with a small canoe floating in it. Sasha climbed in uncertainly after the creature beckoned to him, and soon they were floating comfortably away. Sasha turned to contine his lines of questions, but suddenly found himself quite alone. The canoe started moving faster and faster, and Sasha had no choice but to hold on and wait. With a sinking feeling in his stomach, he began to realize the implications of his conversation. Before he could reflect for too long, however, his canoe crashed into shore.

Unsure of what to do, Sasha climbed out of the canoe and began walking along the shore. Presently he came to a hut and wandered close to it. An old woman was inside, and called for him to step in and join her.

"Young man, your heart is heavy. Tell me your troubles..."

Out poured the entire story - the girl, the mistrust, the illness - his studies, his job, his questions. His beginning on the path towards right, and his quest for knowledge and understanding, from the first stubling innocent mistakes to his most recent encounter with the discouraging, contradictory, shadowy figure.

"Ah," sighed the woman "once again, the innocent mortal wanders outside the sphere of hope into a realm where he has no influence. I can do nothing to fix your current reality - I can change nothing about your past or future - I can do nothing to change the choices that you will choose any more than you can choose to disown your very soul. There are two things I could do for you. First, I can make you forget - forget that you ever knew what you know now. Second, I can show you how to break free of your perspectives on life, and show you how to interact with that One on a more personal level. One will leave you as you were before, one will completely transform your being. One will allow you to continue on your former path, and one will lead you closer to the guide you had until he left you in the canoe. Man, decide what your life will be!"

As Sasha spoke his choice in words that trembled almost as much as his hands, he wondered if the tradeoff was going to be worth it.

Like the SAT, but for Compatibility **UPDATED**

You should take my "just for fun" compatibility test, and let me know how you scored. If you don't feel like saying who you are, that's fine; just leave an anonymous comment here - I'm collecting scores because I'd like to see if I made the test too hard. (So far nobody's scored above 64% awesomeness, which is kind of sad).

Anyway, have fun. and don't take it too seriously. :-)



(Uhhhhh blogger appears to be completely stripping out my html tags, so I
apologize for the non-hyperlinked web address below. Not cool.)


*Grumble* Technology hates me. It should work now. Sorry about that.

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=3986740252238524329

Home!

Am finally back home for Thanksgiving. The last few weeks have been really hectic, and it's good to have some time to take a few deep breaths, get some sleep, and do a lot of homework in the comfort of my parents' house. Thoughts:

*The drive back last night was wonderful. We drove the "long" way and took mostly all back roads. Once we were past Pittsburgh traffic was completely fine, and so the journey was mostly just driving at night through back roads, listening to good music and enjoying life. One thing I've really learned over the semester is the value in actually living in the moment, without even worrying about the past or trying to plan for the future...taking the long way back meant that there was this one big long awesomely zen moment to just soak up and enjoy some peace and quiet in between classes and the hectic holiday season, and it was just what I needed.

I then proceeded to come home and pass out for 10 hours, and am still trying to get over that groggy "Holy crap, I slept way way way too much" feeling, he he.
Per usual, I have work to do, so I'm going to get to that here shortly....

*I've been thinking a lot about the 212 assignment that was due shortly before break. I did an AWFUL job on it...I was in the typical college-y "wait until 3 nights before it's due to even look at or start it", and for the way I work, that just wasn't enough time. I've been able to do well on the other assignments because I've given myself the time to look at the problem descriptions, think, and then plan, and then write the code. I didn't need more than a day or so of coding, probably, to actually code up the solution to this one, but I just didn't have enough time to think about how to approach the problem...by early Monday evening ( it was due at midnight) I felt like I was just kind of killing time until the deadline, because sitting in front of a computer wasn't going to help me code, not sleeping wasn't going to get it any closer to finished (even though I really didn't sleep much while trying to get it done.) It's really embarassing, because I did a shitty job on the parts I got done (I didn't even get things down for all of it) and I woke up yesterday morning realizing that there were some some debugging things I'd left in the code that weren't still supposed to be there but I never changed into the correct things before submitting because I was so completely exhausted when I did submit it.

The whole thing could have been avoided, had I just reminded myself to even LOOK at the assignment earlier. That's what's frustrating. It wouldn't have taken too much more time away from anything else I was doing just to look at it, but for some reason I just took it for granted that I could get it done and...argh. It's in the past now, and I can't do anything about it. This was the first time I've run into a situation where I'm actually physically limited in being able to get something done, and the solution isn't a matter of staying up / pushing myself harder /etc. So I've learned a bit about myself, which is good, and next time I'll know exactly what I need to do so I don't have another embarassignly poorly done assignment to turn in...


*Finally, I had some strange dreams last night, per the whole sleeping for a long time thing. Here are the fragments I remember:

-Talking with some girl who looked kind of like me, but had a different face and bright red glasses. I liked her glasses, and my glasses bent funny so then I couldn't really wear them anymore.

-Being at my Grandpa's house (for some reason, a LOT of my strange dreams take place there) and there were a bunch of guys I didn't recognize sitting around. They all had their shirts off, and their um..."upper body anatomy" was decidedly FEMALE. I was serving them milk or something to drink, and they were all just hanging out like nothing strange was happening. Then Christina's ex showed up, and he was the only one who looked like a guy. At first he was really embarassed that I'd recognized him there (in my own grandfather's kitchen) and he was really hesitating to take one of the drinks, saying that he didn't really want to end up like a woman. So I pulled him into another room (for some reason I didn't want the other guys to hear) and told him that with the amount that he worked out, he'd have nothing to worry about.

Er. I'm not sure why I'd care at all about Christina's ex being emasculated. But for some reason my dream self did. Blerg. I mean, he's obviously a symbol for someone or something else but I don't know anyone like him...? Blah.

*Finally: I came across an awesome quote this morning.

Ahem.

"Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real." -Iris Murdoch

Existence and Other Questions

-I think there's a tendency to idealize people that we don't know very well. It's easy to take the surface of what a person presents when you hardly see them and genearlize that into being who they "really are"...and then when you're closer to a person, it's easier to nitpick and judge them becuase you see all of their imperfections. It's really easy to discount people and take them for granted the better you know them. Or perhaps a less cynical restatement is that maybe it's worth it, with the people you are close to, to remember who they "try" to be, and what that face they show to "the world" is. I really think in a lot of ways that the way we act around strangers is a good indication of the way we really are inside (or at least I'm that way), and so it helps to balance out the picture when it gets too easy to just build up a person's faults.

(Then again, there are a lot of counterexamples to that, like when you judge a person especially harshly when you first meet them. So that theory isn't really all it's cracked up to be, I guess. It made sense when I first thought of it, though.)

-I've had a lot of conversations this week that have gone something like, someone else says
"Yeah I was talking to so-and-so the other day, and...." or "Yeah, so-and-so and I did ____" - where the so-and-so has actually been ME, and the other person has forgotten and for some reason substituted in someone else. It's starting to feel a bit like that week when a bunch of people, none of whom knew each other, kept accidentally calling me Jessica. Heh.

Time Wasting

I just took a "what is your personality defect?" test. Here are the results:


He he he.

Emo Kid
You are 28% Rational, 28% Extroverted, 14% Brutal, and 42% Arrogant.

You are the Emo Kid, best described as a quiet pussy! You tend to be an intuitive rather than a logical thinker, meaning you rely more on your feelings than your thoughts. Not only that, but you are introverted, gentle, and rather humble. You embody all the traits of the perfect emo kid. You are a push-over, an emotional thinker, gentle to the extent of absurdity, and so humble that it even makes Jesus puke. (And Jesus almost never pukes, being immortal and not requiring an act of puke to dispell toxins from his corporeal manifestation.) If you write poetry, you no doubt write angsty, syrupy lines about depression, sadness, and other such redundant states of emo-being that go something like this:

life is a spike / upon which i have impaled mysefl / fuck you dad

So, your personality is defective because you are too gentle, rather underconfident in yourself, decidely lacking in any rational thought, and also a bit too inhibited. Plus, your poetry really upsets your father.

I probably made you cry, didn't I? Fucking Emo Kid.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Smartass.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hippie, the Televangelist, and the Starving Artist.

Truth

I had an interesting conversation with a good friend today about truth.

It's really interesting to watch how much energy people end up having to put into questions, analyzing, frustration, resentment...things that come up when trying to deal with someone who just isn't willing to be direct. And it's senseless even moreso when you consider how much energy it usually takes the other person to be nondirect....I think that a sharp emotional slap in the face is much easier to deal with (even if it hurts more at one given moment) than a series of misleading and opaque statements or situations, especially when it seems like two people may be looking (or worse, hoping for) different outcomes.

I think it tends to put people who tend to be either really analytic or really compassionate in some difficult situations. If you can think of easily 4 or 5 good reasons for someone's behavior, and some of the reasons are pretty divergent, it's hard to know whether it's better to keep approaching an ambivalent person/situation, or if the right thing to do is to step away from that person. The practial thing is to just let go and step away, but I think it's probably hard to actually do that, especially when there are real emotions involved. All the same...sometimes directness has to be self-imposed for one's own sake if it's not going to be offered by the real actor.

In all, I'm kind of preaching to the choir here. I'm thankful that there aren't that many people in my life that really put me through those sort of interactions.

blues brothers

I've been meaning to write about this for awhile, but finally remembered.

So, I'm sitting in Signals & Systems right now. A lot of the labs we've had this semester have involved various forms of speech processing. And one of the speech samples we've worked with a couple times has been the following...

"Four fried chickens, and a coke. And some dry white toast, please."

OMG Blues Brothers in lab. So so so incredibly awesome. I mean, if you're going to slave over some MATLAB for a few hours, you might as well have the cheery voice of Jake Blues to carry you along. Good times.

Happy

You know.

I have been honestly happy these past few weeks.

Earlier in the semester I wrote about how life seemed to be so much of an up and down all the time, without much in the middle, but I feel like I've actually been in that nice middle place a LOT recently. Classes are still hard and stressful, but...I'm more peaceful, more complacent, or something.

I've had a lot of long days recently, between meetings and labs and classes, but I've gotten through them all just fine, and I'm not waking up anymore and cringing against the day. I'm still getting to hang out a ton with Brian too, which is awesome, especially at the end of the longer days.

In other (slightly more interesting) news, I registered for next semester yesterday.

I'm not taking a SINGLE class in the ECE department. HA! HA! HA!*

I'm taking two CS classes, though - 213 (systems programming in C; the big lab is implementing malloc() ) and 381 (Artificial Intelligence! woo!). I also signed up for graph theory (apparently being taught by an awesome professor) and for my two humanities I've got Chinese History in Film and The Literature of War. Since the Chinese History one meets once a week for 3 hours in the evening it's kind of taking the place of an ECE lab; because of that, I'm tempted to sign up for another humanities class so my schedule will be more like it usually is...then again, the spring is going to be REALLY busy with Carnival and ECE day, and my hard classes are going to be *hard*, so...we shall see.

*Let it be known that I love my major. However, I'm not too upset about taking other classes for once.

buggy!

So, today was my first time using a radio for "real". I've had my license for about a month, but I've either been out of town or rolls have been cancelled whenever I've signed up to go out for buggy. And they got cancelled this morning but it was after everyone was out and ready to go and the net was running, so I still got a bit of the experience.

I knew I'd enjoy it, but it was actually more fun than I'd anticipated. So that was good.

And then I spent the rest of the day being semi-productive. Got my foreign policy project done, read half of the novel for Russian history, and got signals and systems 2/3 finished.

I also got to listen to a fascinating talk by a Pentacostal minister and his wife. My RA decided to run a series of religion events bringing different sorts of ministers of different religions in to talk with us (followed up by us going to their sevices), and today was the first one. The smallish group of us had lunch and just talked. The minister is actually a philosophy professor at Carlowe and got a PhD from Duquesne, and so it was kind of cool to see some religious arguments with intellectual depth attached to them (even if I did disagree slightly with some of what he said, or some of his perceptions about the nature of God, Holy Spirit, etc.) - it was great to hear a different, well-reasoned perspective. I went to Mass tonight, so I can go with the group to check out the Pentacostal service tomorrow...should be interesting, if nothing else. :)

Mindful Violence (aka Only A Dream)

I had had it. I really, once and for all, had had it.

"You're so unhappy all the time, but have you ever, even once thought about thinking about anyone besides yourself and what you want all the time?" I demanded. Her petty attitudes and self absorbed running commentary...ALWAYS running...combined with that aggravating whiny voice pushed me over the edge.

She glared at me in shock. "I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE TO TALK!" She said.

She said it again.

"You never think of anything but yourself! It's always about yourself! You're never even going to find happiness until you stop! You're never happy, and I don't think you even want to be!" I couldn't quit yelling, even as I realized that my words were (again) provoking her into action.

The closest object to her came hurtling through the air at me. "You aren't even a good friend, you never are!" Her words hurt more than the lamp, which shattered harmlessly off to the side.

I was stuck in the scene. It wasn't moving, wasn't changing. The same yelling. The same objects, always just barely missing me. I was yelling about her selflish attitude and she was retorting with comments about my lack of emotional involvement in the lives of people around me. We yelled. It turned into something heartless. The anger remained, but the newness of the moment was wearing off.

I finally woke up. My neck was tense and it was like I'd gotten more tired from being alseep.

Democracy, etc.

I voted today. I don't support all of the issues supported by the candidate I voted for. I voted for him primarily because I perceived his opponent as incompetent and generally useless, and because I think he might accomplish a couple goals that I think are really worthwhile. I died a bit inside to do it, though, because some of his perspectives and methods run counter to some of my deep-seated ideals and values, and so it makes me feel a bit like I'm betraying myself. At the same time...that's the price of progress? It's better than just voting for an empty figure who purports to stand for my values but fails miserably at carrying them out?

Overall, life is going pretty well, I think. I've been getting my projects and assignments in and still getting a relatively sane amount of sleep (at least 5 hours a night). Tomorrow I have to finish up a five page paper, and then Thursday I might actually start to get ahead a bit on the upcoming weeks' work.

Another somewhat odd dream of mine from the other day. In the dream, I was at church with Brian, and we both went up for communion. Instead of giving me one host, the priest gave me about 5 or 6. I walked back to the pew, unsure of what to do - if I was supposed to give the extra back to the priest, or consume all of them? I knelt down and just kept them cupped in my hand - afraid to do anything with them.

I think in some ways that's a metaphor for love (religious and romantic). You can be offered all of the grace and love in the world, but you have to be comfortable with accepting it...for some reason, I was still relatively uncomfortable with God in my dream; I was frozen and afraid to do the right thing...afraid to even try to listen to my heart.

I'm learning a lot about trust; real trust.

Men Are Ignorant Pigs

let val soapbox = Jennifer.angryRant("Men Are Ignorant Pigs",
emotions.disgusted (lots),
people.qualifiers(7/10) )
in
val rant:string = fn (soapbox => "

Okay, it is time for some male bashing. Males, I am sorry. Chances are that if you're reading this, it doesn't apply to you. Maybe.

I just can't get over the sheet NUMBER of men in the world who really honestly see women as nothing more than objects/pieces of meat/etc. I know, that sounds really naive, and needleslly confrontational - but, seriously. On so many levels. I have never seen females be so shallow and degrading towards guys as guys are in the opposite direction.

Case #1. Guys who don't listen to what you're actually saying. Where do you get "Please try to put your paws all over me and act like a borderline stalker and generally be creepy!" from "I'm really busy, I'm doing homework, no really, that's fine, I actually don't need anyone right now..." I have seen SO many guys do that to girls recently. It's like they already have your mind made up for you, just because there's something else they're looking for and they see you as the most available object to give it to them. It's disgusting. Instead of actually listening and caring and being a friend, it's just looking for opportunities.

Case #2. The more extreme case, and less of a generality. So I recently joined okcupid, but NOT TO FIND DATES. I actually joined because Brian showed me the site and there were some interesting personality tests and the site uses some interesting algorithms. Oh yeah and procrastination, and I decided to try and write a test of my own. On my "profile", I mention (in more than one place) that I'm not looking for dates...besides that, I have just about every characteristic that screams "conservative in relationships and excessively virginal" in my profile and...I guess I should have expected it, but I have gotten an insane number of messages from all sorts of scumbags...and yes, it's easy to ignore, and yes I do ignore it but my point is more that guys feel comfortable doing that sort of thing at all. I got one message from a guy saying something like he was really turned off by the fact that I'm an engineer but he'll deign to try to get to know me if I think we might have sex because I'm hot.

Why is there this assumption that I'm LOOKING to have sex with any asshole who happens to stumble across my existence? Why are guys so presumptuous when it comes to girls? It's like it doesn't even occur to them that someone might have actual standards, and thoughts and desires of her OWN. I mean, I can already hear the chorus of "But we're not all like that, Jenn!" and that's definitely true, (and I'm really lucky to know all of the "good" guys that I do :)) but....I'm just really shocked at the percentage of guys that seem to choose the opposite behavior.

I am probably going to delete my okc account after I finish writing my test and let people take it. It's kind of an interesting site but I have no interest in just putting myself out there to be degraded. I'm definitely more willing to make myself part of the solution and quit bitching about all the jerks of the world, but...the idealist in me is still asking why it's okay for people to act like that, and why it's really my responsibility to avoid it instead of other people's responsibility to act like decent, rational, human beings.

"
end

Stress Talking

It's been a pretty good day. Free rolls (buggy) got cancelled but I was up anyway so I tried to get some work done. The CS assignment I'm working on is just kicking my ass. Maybe I should stay up and work on it - it's due tomorrow at midnight - but I think I'll be better off going to bed and trying again tomorrow morning.

Right now I'm just sitting here listening to lots of Elton John and staring at the flowers I bought myself on Friday. The seller on the corner had a really pretty boquet of pink mini roses, and they were cheap, so I bought them. I figure it's okay to do something nice for myself, and I'm worth it.

Elton John has always been my comfort music, and it's become that even moreso this semester. I've been listening to a lot off of his self-titled album; songs I haven't listened to much since high school when I'd play the old vinyl while I did homework, or just laying in bed not doing anything at all. It reminds me of old thoughts, old feelings, old ideas, perspectives, beliefs, values. I can't quite find the words I'm looking for right now. It's not a bad feeling, though. Just kind of introspective without really looking for anything n particular.

It's funny how much life does go in cycles. It's so easy to all of a sudden be in a position where you're on the other side of a situation that you've been in from the other side. That keeps happening to me, and it's become more frequent recently. I like it. I feel like I'm learning a lot about people, and I'm gaining a lot of perspective. :)

More Dreaming Vividly

It took me awhile to fall asleep last night.

When I finally did, I was in a hotel in France. My parents got separated from me, and I think Brian might have been there somewhere, too. I wandered around the hotel, just feeling lost, looking for an idea of how to get to them. I had a vague idea that they were across a bridge or something (my parents.) I called them and wasn't able to reach them, so as soon as I found an elevator I jumped in and tried to go to their floor (4th).

I got off the elevator, and found myself in an area with lots of tables and rooms along the side. I saw inside one of the rooms, and there were a bunch of men with half-naked women on their laps. Great. I'd ended up in some sort of ... gentlemen's club. I panicked a bit and started to run. A bartender saw me and told me to relax, that they liked girls walking around. I shook my head at him and told him I was trying to find my family. His face clouded over and he told me that he wasn't sure what to tell me - I might try heading for one of the "other towers."

I got on the elevator, pushed a button, and got off. I was back in the same smutty place with scantily clad women grinding around on men all dressed in business suits. I think at this point I ran into Brian...he was off looking for someone or something else, and so he went on his way and I went on mine.

I headed off and tried the elevator again. When I got off the second time, I was on the roof. The sun was going down, and there was some homeless man standing next to me. My heart sank. I told him that I needed my parents, and he just pulled out a pair of binoculars and looked out into the distance. I was starting to become emotionally numb to the situation, resigned to the fact that I'd have to find my family eventually, and it just might take awhile. I couldn't just be alone. I couldn't.

I was going to try again - try something else - when my roommate's alarm went off and I woke up. I like to think that the dream was headed for a happy ending.

Cleaning House

There was a ladder in front of me stretching up to infinity. I climbed. And climbed. And climbed. I wouldn't look down; I couldn't stop. There was too much at stake here. There was a place I hadn't visited in a long, long, time and it was finally time for me to pay some respects and clean up some old messes.

I arrived at long last into a dimly lit, cluttered, grimy attic. I had known that the place was going to be a mess, but this was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. There was almost no light; if not for the vast amounts of STUFF inside I might have called it desolate. I began to try and sort through some of the objects, unsure of where to start. Large projects are always hard to tackle.

I turned around, and He was there with me. "Start here," He said, handing me a hunk of twisted metal, some sort of mass of bent arrows tangled together into...oh. It was a heart. It was supposed to be a heart. Really it was just a twisted mass of mistakes and projects gone wrong muddled together into a rough approximation of something sensible. He took the heart back out of my hands, and began to caress it. The arrows began to melt away into nothing, and soon the heart was golden, radiant. There was some love, some joy, in this place of confusion and disarray. I put my hands in his and together we worked on the heart until it was casting enough light to illuminate the attic. He carefully took the heart from my hands, and put it back in its container where it continued to shine.

I looked down at my feet and saw a series of plaques, the kind that usually are given as awards and have nice inscriptions on them. I cringed. There was a whole stack that said nothing more than things like "If I don't do this, then I won't be accepted." Or, "If I don't do this, he'll leave me for her tomorrow." Or, "She'll take him as soon as he doesn't want me" Or "It's so hard to keep up" Or "The pressure and stakes are so high" Or "I don't want to do this. Why am I?" Or "I'm betraying my family's trust for this" Or "I'm guilty." Or "I rationalize my guilt." Or "I had no idea he was doing that." The plaques were everywhere, printed in some fear-powered factory long ago. He approached me with a garbage bag and we began throwing them away. Piles and piles of plaques seemed to appear out of nowhere, but there was always a bag ready and waiting for them. I looked around and

I was back at Carroll High School. It was November of freshman year, and I was meeting someone after school. A friend of mine said that he had something to tell me, and I had a sinking feeling that I knew what it was. I was standing with him in front of my locker on the bottom floor. I looked up and there he was, hulking above me in typical CHS uniform, with white golf shirt untucked and poorly fitting khacki pants. A pen had leaked in his pocket and his pants displayed green smudges from it. He looked at me with terrified jade colored eyes and I took his hands, which were drenched in sweat. I took a breath, and watched while he mouthed the words

"I *like* you."

I had known it was coming, but I still didn't know what to do. A pit began to grow in the bottom of my stomach. I knew that he wasn't the type of guy I was looking for. He was funny, he was a good listener, but...he wasn't what I wanted. He wasn't what I needed. He was a good friend, though. Beyond that, I was lonely.

I told him that I wasn't sure if I could date him, that I wasn't sure if I liked him back or if I just liked that he liked me. I gave it a weekend. A week. Finally, my resolve broke down. The friday before Thanksgiving I told him that I could be his girlfriend. I wanted someone to hug and to care for, and I wanted to be cared for. Things fell apart, but in the beginning, I had the best of intentions.

I stopped. I'd had the best of intentions.

The girl in front of me, the girl that was holding his shaky, sweaty, hands was still innocent. She, standing there in her own untucked shirt and poorly fitting khacki pants, still knew what she wanted. She still knew herself, knew right from wrong, knew mind games from reality. Most importantly, she was still me. I was still her. Somewhere. I froze her in her moment, preserved her for always. Once I was sure she was safe and couldn't be tainted, I hugged her. I hugged her with everything I had. I hugged away the regret, the layers of rationalizing, the mistakes, the guilt. I was back at the source - maybe not *the* source, but definitely *a* source.

A few other hazy situations unfolded in front of me. Memories of semi-consciously finding ways to rationalize guilt with criticism, of rationalizing hurt with self-criticism. Realzing that things that were serious to me weren't serious to him, things that cut me deeply were surface amusements for him. Realizing that he isn't a bad person and honestly never wanted to hurt me - he just experiences reality differently than I do. Very differently - and therefore, I took things to heart and made things a part of myself, made judgments about myself, my world, my life, just because of some silly (and in the long run, insignificant) experiences and discussions. I let myself be pulled in so deeply, so hurtfully, just because I couldn't understand how fundamentally different we were.

It was time to let go, and let go I did. My mistake was not letting all of that go years ago after we broke up, but I was finally realizing that it was a mistake I could fix, if I would only let myself. I gathered me to myself, and took a deep breath. I found myself back in the attic, and saw that He had been making progress while I was away. Piles and piles of garbage bags were stacked up all over the place. I pushed them over the edge - they were gone.

The attic was still pretty grimy. There were still stacks of crud, of junk, all over...but I could definitely see some improvement. With every exhalation some of the grime dissipated. We sloshed some soapy water around on the shelves and floor, and unearthed some more plaques. Some of them were worth keeping, and some got thrown out. Finally, I was finished with all the work I could do right then. I left the attic a bit cleaner and less cluttered than it had been when I came. I don't know how many more visits it's going to take. Things take time, and even changes that seem to happen instantaneously take time before they really take root. It was a good start, though.

Surprisingly, I still even made it to class on time. wootwoot.

I love my Mom

Seriously.

I am so lucky. I know that not everyone can pick up the phone and just talk about worries, fears, insecurities, etc. with someone who's known them for 20 years and who can actually relate to a lot of their feelings while being experienced enough to give some valuable perspective and advice.

She also is the most intuituive person I know - which means I'm able to really trust her words when she tells me that I should consider things differently, or think about people differently, or anything. (And it's not that I don't trust people who are less intuitive on a personal level, it's just that it's easier for me to feel the sense in what she says, and believe in it more. So, it's an intention vs reality thing. Most people have good intentions, but Mom is almost always right about the way things end up turning out. And that means a lot to me.)

More than anything I may accomplish in my professional life - I really hope that when I'm her age with children and a husband of my own, I'll be able to give the same balance and perspective that she's given to us.

Un-Miserable

I just got back from seeing Les Miserables at CAPA, which is the performing arts high school in Pittsburgh.

It was good. I spent the show drifting back and forth between the show and a lot of memories from high school. At one point I caught myself comparing the characters on stage to some of the actors from when I was involved with the Drama Club...and telling myself that some of the ones at CHS would have been as good as (in a couple cases, better than) the ones at CAPA.

I don't know if it was just nostalgia, or emotional attachment (?!) to high school, or what. But...there was really an incredible group of people at CHS. (I mean...the people here are great, too. I'm not saying any of this to cast negativity on anything.) But yeah. Good memories.

In any case, the show was damn good. Theater, especially musicals, always gives me that shivery electric feeling - something like total inspiration. Just seeing and experiencing such pure passion - something so beautiful, innocent, intellectual, and transitory does so much to uplift me and make me feel like there really is something to life. I mean, I *know* there is, but...I guess it's catharsis or something. I don't know. It's wonderful. I need to get out more (heh heh heh).

I've half a mind to go home next weekend. It's probably just a reaction to the academic stress here. But I won't have class on Friday and so it is way way tempting...mmmmmmm.

Also it appears that Kathryn is going to visit me in DC over Winter Break! I am so excited! It's going to be a blast. :)

The Blame Game

It's really hard to know how to deal with people sometimes.

I can't live people's lives for them; I can't be made to take responsibility for other people's actions, and it's just ...hard... to deal with people who seem ready and willing to take any difficult situation of theirs and make it somehow my fault.

I used to take it really personally when people would do that to me, and I have wasted a lot of emotional energy on situations like that just by letting myself get pulled into those situations and having to take on personal responsibility for things that didn't involve me at all.

I'm not going to do it anymore. For anyone.

It certainly could be that I interpret sentences more harshly than they're intended. (Not "maybe" - I know that I do at least occasionally.) But there's also definitely a difference between saying "Could you please help me do this?" and "You need to do xyz so I don't mess up again."

So I guess what I'm really getting at is:
1) It's okay to mess up. There doesn't have to be a blame assignment every time something goes a bit wrong. Admitting that you're fallible will actually make life less terrifying in the long run...
2) For goodness' sake - politeness, politeness, politeness!

Roads

So, I am back in Pittsburgh...really tired, which is unfortunate given the amount of work I've yet to do.

Anyway.

On the drive back here I had one of those shivery moments of clarity, where everything came together (or at least seemed to). I'm going to give it a few weeks and see if I still feel the way I do about the "immediately post-graduation" plan that came together while I was zipping along the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Right now I feel like I'm definitely going to go for it, but I've been known to jump into things rather rashly before, and this is something that deserves some contemplation.

Stolen

I was in a room in a house in a room in my house.

Actually, I was two rooms into the inner house. I was staring into a mirror, trying to grasp at the essence of something just beyond my comprehension - something warm, wonderful, safe, and most of all - understanding. I was going to learn how to understand myself, and then - others.

I lowered my defenses completely, realizing that openness was the only way to
really accept the experience. It started to feel like I was standing in a soup comprised from a homogeneous mixture of my soul and some...other. I could perceive even the smallest fluctuation in my surroundings, and I inched closer to the mirror.

All of a sudden, the soup was sloshing all over the room in sick, disturbing waves. I could physically feel fear and distrust travelling in waves into my surroundings. A riotous disturbance right outside of the sanctuary - my sanctuary - was upsetting the balance inside, and as the waves began to crest a chunk of the ether vanished, as if it had suddenly become a cookie in the paw of cookie monster. I struggled to stay open - staying open was a mistake. The harder I tried, the more of me that vanished.

Soon, I was closed again - more closed than I had been before I started. I was clutching onto what remained, trembling, shying away from the tendrils of insecurity and mistrust which had been jealously gobbling at the byproduct of my intentions. The other was gone, too...

"I" was dead.

Not gone, or completely destroyed. But dead for the moment - connectionless, and lifeless. Burned out. A battery with a nonexistent voltage difference.


---------------------
No, I'm not going to interpret or contextualize ANY of that, beyond the following:
1. It is NOT an allegory for any specific event in my life (especially anything that happened within the last couple of months).
2. It is not the result of any sort of inebriation or intoxication.

Amazing Day

Today was simply astoundingly wonderful.

I got home last night around 2030 and was completely exhausted, so I went to bed by 2100...of course that meant that I woke up at 0600 this morning. I ate breakfast with my Mom before she left for work, took my time showering and futzing around, then grabbed my stuff and headed out for the Metro station.

Oh yes. Today was going to be a DC kind of day. My only regret is that I let the battery on my camera run out and hadn't recharged it, so I didn't get to take pictures. Next time...

Anyway. I rode down to Farragut West and walked from there to St. Matthew's Cathedral. I hadn't been inside before and the inside was beautiful. For those of you who haven't seen it, most of the artwork consists of huge, detailed mosaics. And the altar came from India, and was white marble with flowers made from some kind of red stone set into it. Beautiful. I stayed for Mass, and then wandered around the Golden Triangle area looking for a place to eat. (Well...choosing a place to eat). I finally settled at some small Italian bistro, and the food was yum yummy. Then I stopped by the HUGE Borders on the corner of 18th and ... H? K? One of those streets.

After I was done at Borders, I decided on a whim to Metro down to Arlington National Cemetery. The sun was shining; the sky was cloudless - I couldn't have asked for a prettier day. The Cemetery was really peaceful and ... inspiring. I wandered around looking at tombstones a bit, and was really struck by the depth of human life and emotion. So much was expressed just in the labels on the tombstones...there was one of a woman, and next to it was the one for her daughter, who was only a day old. There was another of a WWII vet who died in 1956, and next to it was his wife's. She had died earlier this month - that makes 50 years of devotion, of love, for someone she didn't even get to physically touch, whose voice she didn't get to hear. For her, that must have been enough - how fantastic that love must have been (or is...)


Anyway, after a bit I headed back out on the Metro, and proceeded to spend several hours in a Starbuck's doing Signals & Systems homework. The incredible part was that I got it almost all the way finished, and felt like I understood the material relatively well. Which was...nearly a first for that class.

Finally, I met up with Adam and we had coffee. It was good to see him (and Chris!) and to laugh and catch up on old times. Also I had a fortune cookie, and the fortune was quite auspicious...

All in all, today was extremely satisfying. It was awesome to be in DC, awesome to get things done, awesome to see a friend, and awesome to come home to my big warm snuggly bed with flannel sheets and lots of blankets.

I am a happy, happy, girl right now.

(Oh, yeah. There's also somehow a big crack on my windshield. I will have to figure out how to deal with that tomorrow...even discovering that today didn't do much to put a dent in the 'today rocks' index....)

Extra-intra-personal

I've been reading bits and pieces of a book called "Self Made Man" that I borrowed from my awesome roommate. It's about a female who cross-dresses as a male and so lives as a part of the "male" world for awhile, in order to get an idea of what things are like inside the male psyche. Of course, dressing and talking like a man didn't automatically convert her to a male with male thoughts, attitudes, etc. but it turns out that passing for a man meant that she got treated as males do, and so she gained a number of insights into at least the societal (and social) expectations placed on guys, as well as how guys act around their "buddies", how they act at work with "one of their own", etc.

She makes a couple of comments in her chapters about sex and romance that really stuck with me. Her sex chapter is mostly about her experience at strip clubs - dingy places with jaded men and burned out women. She talks a lot about the emotional void that both sexes involved there tend to carry about. In a lot of ways, it was actually comforting to read - I've always felt extremely threatened by the sex industry. I have no way to compete with those leggy, chesty, airbrush-makeup "beauties" but I don't feel like I want to anymore. To compete with them is to emulate it, and ... I don't want to be that, regardless of how it feels to be watching a movie with a boyfriend and notice him oogling the tits on screen.

She talks about men having some sort of inner "bestial urge" that drives them to those places, but I'm also confident that some men actually succeed in owning that urge and channeling it into a more substantial sort of relationship. (I would know. I've dated at least one guy who succeeded at that, and know a handful of others who tend to live that way...)

The other interesting point she makes is about the expectations that the different genders place on each other. She went on a number of dates with other girls (as a guy) and notes that she felt like she had to "prove" herself to them, even the ones who weren't exactly catches themselves. Apparently it's pretty common for girls to expect a guy to be their "emotional crutch" and to be different than that "uncaring jerk of an ex" (probably one in a long line of uncaring, unfriendly jerks....) My guess is that relationships like that fall apart so much from the tensions created when those overblown expectations fail, and by the resentment they cause on both sides when each person is trying to deal with their needs and their ability to give to the other person, respectively.

I'm not putting all the blame on women. Certainly one can generalize similarly about men and the physical demands they can place on girls, as well as the way that some men truly ARE insenstive and can play a pretty big "life wreker" role all by themselves.

So, I think that both extremes can be moderated a bit, and one ends up at the crossroads of most "typical" relationships, with the discrepancies in needs (or at least communication) described as the "seed of discontent" sown between man and women. Which is interesting, because the homily at Mass last Sunday was about this "seed of discontent" (SOD henceforth) and the best ways to handle it.

The Church traces this SOD back to the creation story, when Adam and Eve fell into disgrace with God because of Eve tempting Adam (and the devil tempting Eve, etc...) So, from the very beginning there has been this tension between men and women, and it originally came from men and women giving into their own selfish desires - note that I said selfish desires, and not "true and actual needs." So, (and even if one wants to treat the Bible as allegory) relationships are automatically packaged with the SOD ready and waiting to take root and blossom - but - there is salvation! (Both in the religious and in the relationship sense.)

In the Biblical sense, salvation comes through Christ, and is characterized by his giving. Through his gift, mankind finds freedom from sin and despair within the ultimate sacrafice. Relationships, at least in the Catholic perspective, are intended to mirror this sort of giving. Within giving, one finds freemdom from all those funny societal expectations and the glorified drama that one generally finds in relationships, and instead focuses on creating a true partnership with another. It's like groupwork in class - you both have a vested interest in the outcome, and you want to only work with people who are going to complement your skills (opposites attract!), and the project is going to fail if one person expects the other to focus both on the project and on things external to that ("Hey, write my MATLAB for me so I can paint my nails" Or "Hey, write my section of the final paper so I can watch the game.")

I guess what I'm saying is that healthy relationships seem to have at least two major prerequisites. The first is a confident, healthy attitude toward one's self, so that one doesn't end up imposing conditions or unfair expectations on the relationship. (This is kind of like...Christ didn't say "I'll die for you but only if you promise to love me forever." Instead, it was something like "I know that I am God and Man, and so I will die for you becuase I love you, and my death can save you. I will always be here for when you choose to love me.") The other prerequisite (which has the former as its own prereq, I think...) is, of course, giving. Giving is what follows from being as complete a person as one can be, and it is only through giving and believing that a relationship changes from an emotional association of two people into a truly productive union.

Um. Right.

*Steps off soapbox, dusts it off, picks it up, and walks away*

Tabula Rasa

I had a minor breakthrough today. I was having a conversation with my advisor, and a lot of things just sort of came together. It was the sort of "chest loosening, weight lifting off of shoulders" moment-of-clarity that I've been craving for....months...now. The words were all things that I'd heard before, and things I'd tried to work towards before, but...something just finally clicked. I can't describe it.

All she said came down to:

-You realize the difference between meaning to hurt someone, and hurting them unintentionally, so you shouldn't carry the emotional burden of unintentionally hurting someone - just learn from it, and do the best you can. You never get anywhere if you live in regret constantly. It's important to have compassion and to try and fix mistakes...but it doesn't accomplish anything to just mourn the past.

-It's really important to stop, or at least slow down, that inner critic. Especially the one that comes out when one is in uncomfortable situations, or situations that one doesn't necessarily even want to be in. Just because you're doing something that you don't think is "you" doesn't mean that you're incapable of handling it and keeping in touch with your inner self at the same time. Having a tendency to expect perfection in those situations just separates you farther from yourself, and makes it actually harder to actually function.

-Doing things for yourself is essential. Finding things that resonate - actually listening to those voices that say "I don't like this" or "This is exactly what I want" - not necessarily on an academic level (or I'd never get anything done! :-P) but on a values, passions, and inspirations level. It's so easy to let go of that, especially when sleep is lacking, and problem sets are long, and projects don't work, and nothing seems appetizing, and every single situation starts to feel like the "I'm on stage and I'm just a fraud" situation above....

I don't know. I guess I was finally able to feel everything in terms of a "whole picture" - instead of seeing little things to work on whenever I think of them, it's one big chunk of reality that needs to be cared for and nourished in its own way - and it finally got me in my soul, where I'd been trying to find it all along. I feel like the world just opened up in front of me.

Ummm and there has been a lot of weirdness that's happened recently, and I know it's going to take time for everything to truly fall into place and for me to really be myself again, and for me to get my life lined up the way I really want it to be...but I finally feel like I'm capable of getting there, both emotionally and in the "real world."

Fragmented

-So, I am going home this weekend. I really really need the downtime. Right now I feel like an emotional sponge - like I'm picking up on all of the emotions and frustrations around me and just holding them inside myself, even the ones that don't involve or affect me directly. It's like the bell jar is starting to seal down again, and I don't like it.

-I really need to figure out how to resolve a conflict I've had for a long time: I want to be nice and caring toward everyone I know. However, some people really upset me - deeply - and it's not that it's still hard for me to be nice, it's just that I always end up feeling a bit walked over or invalidated. I know it just comes down to having confidence in myself and sticking to what my heart tells me, but it's hard.

-I need to remember not to overload on carbs when I've gone a couple days without eating properly. It doesn't actually cut the hunger when I do get my appetite back, and I just end up dizzy and groggy. Blerg.

Angst

- I always tend to assume, when I talk to anyone, that the other person is always being genuine in what they say. I tend to forget that a lot of the time people's words are influenced by their own insecurities or by motives that I don't immediately see, and it seems like I take things to heart without realizing that other people may just be putting up a front. It makes it difficult to find support or feel supported, at least for me. I also detest feeling like conversations are competitions. They are not, or at least should not be always.

-North Korea OMG WTF. Nukes no cool. No go bang. Please no end world. Stop now. Just because one seemingly unbalanced individual seems to have a death wish for his country and for the last remaining semblance of world peace doesn't mean that the rest of us want to stand by and watch the rhetoric proliferate until one side blinks and the other jumps for the button. GAH!!!

-I am really freaking tired for no good reason. I have a pile of work to do and no motivation to do it. I keep going back and forth between being really happy and excited about my life, and feeling completely overwhelmed and apathetic. I just want to feel neutral, for like a week. Maybe even two. Or ten. Something different than this cycle that I just feel stuck inside. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing with my life - I feel like the reason I go up and down so much is that being an optimist means that I have the ability to talk myself into nearly anything, and work myself into a contented feeling glow about almost any situation, but deep down...something just seems wrong. I wake up in the mornings and I'm not excited about the day ahead, even though it's zillions of times better than waking up at 6am to get dressed in a uniform and go off to another day at CHS, and not having as much freedom as I want, etc. I should be doing things that make me happy, I should be interested in my classes, I shouldn't wake up each morning with a vague feeling of dread in the back of my mind, especially on days when I don't have ANYTHING going on - no tests or meetings or presentations. I was talking with my Mom on the phone tonight about how FAST days go by, and she was mentioning how much of a blur things have been for her too, recently. I am tired of the blur. I am tired of weeks ending before I barely realize they've begun. I just want some time - I want some quiet, some real quiet. Maybe I want to completely change the track my life is on - maybe I don't want to engineer things and do computer stuff all day, maybe I want a career helping people. Maybe I want to teach, maybe I want to be a psychologist, maybe I want to give motivational seminars, maybe I want to be a school psychologist or guidance counselor, or maybe I want to be a nun (I'm only half joking...) I feel like things go by so fast sometimes that I can't feel myself anymore; at the same time I feel like it wouldn't matter if things went fast if I were actually doing things that resonated with me and how I feel and what I want from my life.

And OMG how scary is that...I'm on my 3rd year of a major that may end up being completely irrelevant to what I actually feel called to do???

AHHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What am I DOING with my life; where is it going; why can't things just be comforting and normal and small and bounded and ....easy...anymore?

I believe that I am experiencing a combination of varying degrees of those which are known as "stress" and "quarter life crisis" and "....?"


-That last point ended up being a bit less bounded than I intended. Er. I think I'll go make tea....